Wow, I didn't expect you to kill her
here. But that will certainly make it easier for you to plan for Shinn and Kira having it off. I was actually surprised about how little Kira seemed to react, but maybe that's something you're saving up. It would make sense that the shock didn't quite register yet.
And also kudos on changing the narration on Cagalli. To my mind, she was pressed but not in any real danger before she was grabbed, which makes Kira's actions a bit redundant but quite understandable given what had just happened. And it also takes Cagalli away from controlling the Seirans, who will most likely jump at the chance.
I'm not so sure about Canard; I don't know what you plan to do with him. At least Athrun doesn't know him... all in all he seemed to get into the story (and Kira's inner circle) a bit too effortlessly, maybe work in a small exchange on that somewhere? Good thing to bring in Rondo Mina Sahaku in there as well so it's not just the Seirans v. Cagalli in Orb, but I thought she basically stayed at the orbital satelite more or less permanently... Again, that could be explained by a simple sentence on her part why she felt she needed to be there.
One issue that is slightly bigger, you said e.g.
She turned, and there was Mina, dressed basically the same as usual.
Now, this is OK for a fanfic, but you clearly expect people to have a working knowledge not only of the series but also the manga. If I had only seen GSD
but not read e.g. Astray X
, I wouldn't have a clue about a) who Rondo Mina Sahaku is and b) how she would dress. I think this has been a conscious decision on your part not to explain things that are shown in canon material, but I just wanted to make you aware that you cover a lot of potential exposition in this way. As said, it's OK in fanfic to run the risk (even with fanfics some readers won't necessarily know what you mean), less OK elsewhere.