Gundam SEED Eagle

Your own tale of two mecha.

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assault gundam
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Gundam SEED Eagle

Post by assault gundam » Wed Jun 13, 2007 6:15 pm

let us try this again. 2nd time changing this and the last. This is Gundam SEED Eagle. Please critisize, good or bad way.
Last edited by assault gundam on Sat Jun 23, 2007 7:59 am, edited 1 time in total.
"The person who said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons"

assault gundam
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Post by assault gundam » Fri Jun 22, 2007 1:30 pm

On the weat cost of Vancouver Island, The Earth alliance's base were hard at work. This is because they were building the latest MS in the EA, the Dagger X. This MS not only has supperior weapons the the Strike Dagger, but also has an extra baterie to substain power for the beam weapons it has and it's Phase Shift armour. Everything was peacefull though. Seaguls sailling over the sky, the soldiers were laughing. The 6 piltos for the new Dagger X were talking about how cool it was to be pickd to pilot the Dagger X. Then one of the pilots pointed to the sea, swearing he saw the top of a Vusgoloves class ZAFT battleship. They all laughed thing it was just the pilots imagination. He thought so to and just started to laugh with them.

Under the ocean, though, there was a Vusgulov class ship. Inside A bunch of new pilots were getting ready to invade the Vancouver Island base. 1 of the 8 young pilots was a ZAFT elite red. His name was Connor Dranee. He was 17, with balck medium lenght straight hair and emerald green eyes. He was the squadron leader of a groop of 8 Dinn Ravens. All the Dinn Ravens were piloted by the 8 new pilots. Connor was all by himself in his room, looking at a picture of his parents, currently deceased. He only had his sister younger brother who was living at a relatives house in the PLANTs. Connor kissed the picture, set it down on his dresser ad started to pray, which he did before h got into a MS. This was going to be his most challenging mission yet. His mission was: Lead his squad of Ravens to the base; sidetrack the base to allow the rest of the ZAFT army get to the base; prevent te death of his squad; return when the rest get there. The reason for the Attack is because of the Dagger X MS.

He quickly got dressed and made his way to the hanger where the rest of his squad already was. He took the lift to where he could board his Dinn Raven. He got on board his Raven. As did the rest of his squad. He made his way to the launcher and brased himself.

"Connor Dranee, launching!"

His MS was shot out and emerged from the ocean and quickly deploying his wings and flying high above the clouds. The rest of his squad followed him into the clouds. They all made their way to the Vancouver Island base where the EA had no idea what was going to happen. Connor's squad came into visual contact with the base.

" All Pilots, spread out and launch a barrage of missiles at the Base! Once we launch them atack the base in full assault!" Connor commanded.

At the base. It was still calm and quiet. Suddenly one of the engineers who was takng a look at the Long Daggers that he just repaired, looked up into the sky and noticed 48 shinning objects coming towards the base. As he was trying to figue out what it was he looked harder to realize they were missiles. He ran to the wall beside him that held an alarm, he pushed the button sounding the alarm. It was to late, the misseles hit before many of the EA pilots could tell what was happening. one fith of the base was destroyed. The Dagger X hanger wasn't hit though. As the pilots sparng to there MS, Connor's squad already came down in a full frontal attack. They all took out their shotguns and machineguns and were destroying anything in their path. Many Long Daggers were launched but were quickly picked off. The Pilots for the Dagger X's were quickly getting into their Daggers, but instead of retaliating they made their way to a Spengler Class where they wer to take under the hidden river under the base to the East side of Vanouver Island. They did keep one behind so the rest could get away. The pilot that was left behind took out his beam rifle and sheild and deployed the PS armour.

" Hold up," Connor said." It's a Dagger X. They supposedly have PS armour so our weapons won't work. We will have to dodge his shots for 5 minutes until the rest arrive."
"The person who said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons"

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Big B
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Post by Big B » Sun Jun 24, 2007 1:56 pm

Interesting idea. What kills it is the lack of context, characters, and some spelling errors. I'd start by fleshing it out with some more details and dialogue. The story goes by too quickly without really establishing much. You can still get into the action, but some sort of context would really help to draw people in.

A couple ideas (that inspired me to try my hand at fanfics) would be the Gundam SEED Phoenix fic in this forum, and ShadowCell's Destiny rewrite.
I've always gained something by reading other people's work for ideas on layout and progression.

Good luck!

assault gundam
Newtype Emo Guy
Posts: 259
Joined: Sat Dec 02, 2006 9:21 am
Location: PEI, Canada

Post by assault gundam » Sun Jun 24, 2007 2:10 pm

thanx for the advice, i will look into it
"The person who said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons"

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