The first one describes pretty accurately the writing skill of a vast majority of YouTube commentators. The two others were included for your further enjoyment. This can also serve as a discussion thread for other instances of our language used not goodly.
So, without further ado, here we go.
LETTER TO A TRIPLE-THREAT GRAMMARIAN
by George W. Feinstein
Dear sir; you never past me in grammar because you was prejudice but I got this here athaletic scholarship anyway. Well, the other day I finely get to writing the rule's down so as I can always study it if they ever slip my mind.
1. Each pronoun with their antecedent.
2. Just between you and I, case is important.
3. Verbs has to agree with their subject.
4. Watch out for the irregular verbs which has crope into our language.
5. Don't use no double negatives.
6. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
7. When dangling, don't use participles.
8. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
9. Don't write a run-on sentence you got to punctuate it.
10. About sentence fragments.
11. In letters themes reports articles and stuff like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
12. Don't use commas, which aren't necessary.
13. Its important to use apostrophe's right.
14. Don't abbrev.
15. In my opinion I think that an author when he is writing shouldn't get into the habit of making use of too many unnecessary words that he does not really need in order to put his message across.
16. Check to see if you any words out.
17. In the case of a business letter, check it in terms of jargon.
18. About repetition, the repetition of a word might be real effective repetition--take, for instance, Abraham Lincoln.
19. As far as incomplete constructions, they are wrong.
20. Last, but not least, lay off clichés.
ENGLISH AS SHE IS GOODLY SPOCKEN
adapted from Nino Lo Bello and other sources
People could die laughing as they travel from one end of the globe to the other and observe how English is spoken or written:
In London itself
- A hospital sign states: Visitors. Two to a Bed and Half-an-Hour Only.
- A cafe boasts: Our Establishment Serves Tea in a Bag Like Mother
In Belgrade
- The elevator instructions at the Slavija hotel say: To move the cabin push button of wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor.
- In another Yugoslav hotel: Let Us Know About Any Unficiency as well as Leaking on the Service. Our Utmost Will Improve.
In a Soviet ship in the Black Sea
- These lifesaving instructions are posted: Help savering apparata in emergings behold many whistles. Associate the stringing apparata about the bosoms and meet behind. Flee then to the indifferent lifesaving shippern obediencing the instructs of the vessel chief.
From a menu of a Swiss restaurant
- Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
From a long Luxembourg publicity brochure
- Only just now that wars--if any--are fought, as radically ruinous as insidiously onerous but usually even so mercilessly on the battlefields on which the market economy faces the planned economy, the history (sic) of the City of Luxembourg does appear like a tragicomical showing off of quite absurd impregnability.
In an Athens hotel
- Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.
In Spain
- A toy fair had this description of what happens when you toss a doll in the air: Laughs while you throw up.
In a Kansai international dormitory
- An invitation to a picnic stated: Join! You will meet strange people!
- A notice said: Do not bring the newspapers to your room. It might disturb other residents.
From a Soviet weekly
- "There will be a Moscow exhibition of arts by 15,000 Soviet republic painters and sculptors. They were executed over the last two years."
In a Swiss mountain inn
- Special today--no ice cream.
In a Tokyo shop
- Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in long run.
From a Japanese instruction booklet
- The instructions about using a hotel air conditioner state: Cooles and heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
And in the Philippines
- "Slow by slow, we will success."
- The story--perhaps apocryphal--of teachers telling students to broom the floor; of politicians misusing the words fuchsia, chrysanthemum, fencing, and ambience; of movie stars talking about their wall-to-wall carpeting ("No, it's just floor-to-floor.") or of beauty queens who won in contests because they "have long legged."
SOME OF THE WORST ABUSES OF THE QUEEN'S ENGLISH
by Paul Ames
It's enough to make a grammarian groan. The European Community--no stranger to the tortured language itself--has collected some of the worst abuses of the Queen's English from around the world.
Take the Paris hotel that told guests: "Please leave your values at the desk."
Or the Bangkok dry cleaner's boast: "Drop your trousers here for best results."
And what did an Austrian ski resort mean when it urged guests "not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension"?
Dozens of such doozies have been compiled by traveling EC translators since July, when they were asked to look for examples of odd English. Others were taken from published collections.
Under the title "Mind Your Language," the fractured phrases are displayed on boards in the lobbies of EC's Centre Borschette office complex. This compilation of linguistic lulus shows English is spoken widely but not always well.
An Acapulco hotel, for instance, reassured guests about the drinking water: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
A Tokyo hotel advised guests it "is forbidden to steal hotel towels please." But politely added, "if you are not a person to do such thing please not to read notice."
Another Tokyo hotel, seemingly more relaxed about morals, said, "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."
But a sign at a German campsite warned: "It is strictly forbidden on our camp site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent, unless they are married with each other for that purpose."
A Zurich hotel with similar worries offered this solution: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."
A temple in Bangkok warned visiting tourists: "It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner, if dressed as a man."
In Paris, a boutique advertised "dresses for street walking."
A notice in a Norwegian cocktail lounge stated, "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
A Rome doctor specialized in "women and other diseases" and a Swedish furrier offered coats "made for ladies from their own skin."
A Prague tourist agency urged tourists: "Take one of our horse driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages."
In Tokyo, a car rental agency offered these instructions to clients: "When passenger of foot heave into sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."
For people suffering toothache in Hong Kong, a dentist advertised tooth extractions "using the latest Methodists."
A tailor on the Greek island at Rhodes couldn't guarantee he could finish summer suits ordered by tourists. Why? "Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."
A sign in a zoo in Budapest showed times are tough in Eastern Europe. "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
Also in the Hungarian capital is a hotel that once had elevator problems and told guests: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."
And if you thought flying was fun, go to the Copenhagen airport where an airline vowed to "take your bags and send them in all directions."