im in the process of making a armored core fanfic need help

[mrbananaisamonkey]

im in the process of making a armored core fanfic need help, so i am going to asked if you could change some stuff or help me make it

[mrbananaisamonkey]

ARMORED CORE
ARMORED CORE FANFIC
Chapter 1- RAVEN (Armored core 3)

Your objective… a small group of MTs have entered trene city
-Eliminate them. Most people don’t get this chance- don’t screw up.

Commencing AC drop…

“Lets work together,” said a fellow pilot. “ If we do this we will be ravens in the cortex“ come on lets do this!” I said.
I boosted of moving through buildings, “target sighted”
I shot at I three times then- boom. Suddenly, the other AC, losing 264 AP, hit me. I looked back, it was nineball! “ Finish the mission –destroy nineball”
I couldn’t destroy nineball, he is a 1st rank Raven. He pointed his linear rifle at me. I didn’t see anything, my vision was just black. I heard gunshots. My vision was back. The instructor was down on the ground. I opened the door. I ran to the instructor’s AC, jumped inside and turned it on. The AC slowly rised, nineball turned back getting ready for a fight. I pointed the karasawa at him, and shot. He dodged every shot, so I turned on the over boost, in seconds I was right beside him. Zwang! I sliced him a bit with the moonlight.
He lost a lot of AP after that. My EN gauge was low I took out the vertical missile, centaur. The lock on was hard he kept boosting back and forward. Finally I got a lock on him, I activated it. The missiles zoom to the clouds and soared back down with a pop of speed. It hit him. Now nineball was low on AP. He shot three bullets at me. Now, I was low on AP too, I dispatched all my weapons but the moonlight, nineball did that too. It was up to the timing of the swords. We boosted to each other than nineball boosted back and activated exceed orbit. Now he was winning the battle. I had about 100 AP left, he had about 400 AP left. I boosted. With a slash from the moonlight he was destroyed.
Then 6 MTs surrounded me. I can’t finish them off, but I tried. I managed to destroy two MTs but the four left finished my AC off.

Mission failed……………….

Beep…beep…beep… I woke up. “His pulse is stable.” Man I feel beat up. I opened my eyes, I was in a hospital. “ What kind of fight were you in you broke part of your ribs!” a doctor said. I sat up. I was in bandages. I clasped my hands, and cracked them, stood up and walked out the room. I drove home in a taxi. Three blue vans were at my house. I went inside, I saw three people in tuxedoes. I creped upstairs and changed clothes, and walked downstairs. I came to the people.” Uh, hello why are you here?” “Because you are now a raven” “how? I failed the test,”
“But you beat nineball a 1st rank raven, that takes skills, and ravens are very skilled, I am your new partner, on missions I will inform about the changes in the mission.” “What’s your name?” “It’s Cicely, oh by the way your not in cortex your with the nest- the raven’s nest.”

Inside raven’s nest………………

You have mail. I opened the mail file. It was from crest, dear raven congratulations on the test, since you’re a raven your part of an elite group, we present you an award, check the garage.
I checked it was an AC part a head, and 20 000 cr.

Equip head part “CR-H98XS-EYE2?” “Yes equip” equipping…equipping…equipping…equipping…equip complete. I went to the mission’s folder, mission, clear out MT part factory.
Employee: mirage. Reward: 10000 cr. Next. Raven we are sending you to clear out a MT part factory to destroy a large-scale terrorist syndicate that are hiding in an abandoned MT factory, AC street enemy is leading them destroy them within 50 minutes and disable a nuclear bomb deep inside there HQ.

Arriving at the mission area, “raven be careful, MTs are no match to an AC but in large scale can prove quite annoying, don’t underestimate them.”

The AC has entered the mission area, commencing AC drop.

“Three MTs spotted, wiping the factory clear.” I boosted and slashed them. And Mt got a parry blade hit on me. I lost 1000 AP.
I shot the rifle; it took five shots to destroy one Mt. I cleared the factory out. “Hmm… a raven, I hear we shouldn’t underestimate you guys.” I activated the over boost and flew past by him. I started defusing the bomb. He tried to shoot me but he shot the bomb and it exploded making my AC fly and slam into the wall.

I lost 4000 AP and my AC had output down. My AC had 1000 AP left due to the output down. “ Raven get out of there! The bomb is defused! And they’re deploying reinforcements plus spraying a deadly corrosive chemical!” I over boosted and ditched street enemy, my en gauge was low I turned it off and walked while destroying other MTs. My en gauge was full after a few minutes.
I boosted out the door and a few miles a way. I was in a forest, and then I walked to a open grassland. I hoped the Mts wouldn’t get my signal, luckily they didn’t. I was safe, but AC street enemy picked it up, he hastily boosted to my deserted location. Good for me that his AP was much lower than mine due to his own comrades spraying the chemical. “Raven we will be arriving soon make sure no targets are here, should we deploy an AC with us to guard you? Oh, it will take out some money out of your reward.” “ Yeah, and bring him quickly, I’m being hunted down by AC stree-----“ “hey raven I can tell you’re a rookie,” said street enemy. I shot him. Click oh my god, I ran out of ammo.

Commencing AC drop…

“Hey, raven I know you need some help right? I’m on it” I boosted to the helicopter. “Sorry for the trouble raven” I said. “Oh. Its okay and who cares I’m getting paid for an easy mission.”

Part 1 end

Part 2 commence

My career as raven has started off to a bad start, but I can still survive.

1 month later…

No corporations are hiring me in a long time so the nest gave me a break, but whenever a mission starts, vacations stop.

Finally, Crest hired me.
Employee: Crest reward: 15000 cr. Raven, we are sending you to destroy a mirage AC currently a raven in rank 17 in the arena, his AC name, AC Gaea. Mirage sent Gaea to spy on one of our meetings, they found out we are in the process of making new AC parts and are sending an AC to seize them or destroy our building.
Destroy the AC with any means necessary. We will tell you if they are attacking or stealing the AC parts. Two lightweight MTs will accompany you.

The AC has entered the mission area, commencing AC drop.

So we slowly, moved around the building, we were going down a hall when I saw a booster of an AC so I picked up the paste and followed it. “Raven, Crest found out that they are stealing the data on the AC parts hurry!” I opened the door were I saw that robot; the room was red and the alarm triggered off. I thought it was me, but then I saw Gaea. I quickly chased him out to the roof of the building. The MTs were coming up the elevator. Gaea looks at me. Boosted backwards and jumped off the building. I jumped off, then Gaea boosted up so high he ran out of energy. I boosted up to him and landed an Ariel blade hit on him. And I lost all my energy trying to blade him again while boosting to slow the drop down. I fell on his AC and we were still like 200m away from the ground. I hit his ac and hit part of the building. When I hit the building, my seatbelt snapped and I hit a control on the system keyboard. My AC activated it’s over boost. And we were going like the meteor that made dinosaurs extinct. I pushed his AC and he hit the ground shredding the metal at the back of his AC. His AC was destroyed but he still had the data. I turned my ac so the legs would stop the drop and not break my AC. So I landed but the joints on the legs snapped and my core ripped of the legs and I fell upside down lying on Gaea. I took out the distress signal box and held it. the glass on my helmet was shattered but stayed in place, I took it off.

I held on my pistol and pulled it out. The cockpit opened up slowly. My left arm was bleeding and I was coughing out blood. I climbed out the cockpit and fell. Gaea’s pilot was running away
I shot him but missed. My vision was very blurry now. I chased him. We were limping so I shot him and hit his legs. I tripped from debris and fell rolling on my back gasping in pain. He was dragging himself with his arms balancing the data canister on his arm. I picked myself up and walked towards him holding my bloody arm. I stepped on his body weakly. I took the canister from his arm and walked to a shelled building. The took my distress signal out and clicked the button. I was lying out the wall. “ Hey, we will be coming soon, wait patiently” I started to sleep. A few minutes later I heard the roar of the helicopter rotor. During the ride back, Cicley told my how I did on the mission. I was brought to a hospital.

Mission complete…………

Things were going smoothly now, I finished 16 missions in 6 weeks, so I finally started to customize my AC. I started with the arms because I was satisfied with the heads and arms. CR-A92XS. Buy? Part purchased. Ahh… this must be boring so to the next mission.
Open file. Mission: destroy ACs. Client : unknown reward : 50000 cr. Mission accepted? Yes.

The AC has entered the combat area commencing AC drop.

“Hey, be careful you don’t know who your against.”
“Don’t worry I got it” I took an elevator down. the door opened.
On the other side was a pink AC on the ground. It was Gaea and Nineball. Man I guessed there pissed. “Well raven, lets see what you can do.” “ Hey guys, long time no see I just got my AC customized well, I will test it on you.” Nineball laughed. So then lets do this! Gaea came up first, I stayed at my place pointing my shiny brand new karasawa at him. Shot three times his head and left arm flew off. He backed away, then Nineball jumped over me and I took out my moonlight. I slashed his linear rifle. He tried to blade me. Suddenly Gaea went ka-boom. Nineball looked back
The pink AC punched his head. I knew that was the perfect time. I slashed his right leg and he fell. He turned over to me. I shot. The fight was over, for now. A door opened behind the pink AC. She boosted back. I radioed her. “Hey, what is tha----“ her AC fell back.
“Is that possible? A disorder unit? In a humanoid form?” it looked like Ibis’ head, arms, and legs. But the core was from a disorder unit. “Hey, what is that raven?” “I dunno, and it looks like it formed with ibis, oh, can I get backup? My AC is low on AP.”
“Uh, yeah sure. Help is on the way.” I toke some cover. I turned off my AC and jumped outside. I snuck past the disorder unit and climbed on to the pink AC. The cockpit was open so I hoped in. a woman was unconscious I opened the cockpit all the way up. Ibis looked at us I fell as if I were dead. The door opened. Ace, Kaiser, and huntress came out amazed to see an Ibis disorder thing. I carried her to my AC and laid her on the seat behind me. I turned it on. My AC started moved up and I picked up my Karasawa. 23-ammo left. Ace shot of its head with 6 shot with a grenade launcher. Kaiser was taking cover. Huntress was destroyed. Ibis saw me and flew passed Ace and Kaiser. Ace messaged me. “ Hey I called for more reinforcements we gotta stall It.” It bladed me, I bladed it. I took out my plasma canon crouched and shot. Ace bladed it 2 times. AC Uranus, appleboy, oracle and fascinator came in. ravens, were everywhere. And were all being paid 50 000 cr.

Part 2 end

Part 3 commence

“All of you will not publicize this event or will be taken into custody, you will be forced to be in a top secret group” “Blah blah blah man” We were under surveillance 24/7 it was pissing me off. The only time I was alone was when I was doing a mission, not including Cicley, and the person watching me was weird. When I went home he followed me upstairs. I went into the bathroom. I told him to not come in. I snuck in my laptop. I turned it on. I told him to play video games if he wanted to. I messaged my friend. They told me they ditched their guard. So at night I stayed up, he was asleep. I changed clothes, brought extra, my wallet and other stuff. I ran outside. Zinaida and the Evangel were outside waiting for me. I went in the car. “So, what’s your guard like?” said Zinaida. “He’s a total weirdo.” We laughed. “It sound like you two known each other.” Said Evangel. Zinaida answered, “ Yeah, we are childhood friends.” I whispered to her. They drove me to the ark. They opened the door. “C’mon lets go.” I said, “I’m not in the Ark. I’m in the ravens nest.” So they told me to take the car and drive other members of the nest there. I messaged some people and picked them up. First appleboy, then the pilot of AC Uranus, and then the pilot of the pink AC. I knocked on the door. The guard opened it. “ Sorry, no visitors allowed here.” “Uh, but I’m her friend.” I called her and she told him to let me come in. she dressed up and came to the door. She whispered to me, “hey follow my lead.” She told him we were going on a date tonight. He said he could come but she said not to or she’ll hurt him. It was funny because he actually toke a step back in fear. Appleboy toke the drivers seat. “ Hurry,” she got in beside me. I talked to her, “You look familiar, and let’s ditch him before he gets suspicious of the other two.” and surprisingly her guard can read lips. He chased after us, “ appleboy start driving!” he floored the acceleration pedal. I slammed the door shut. The guard kept chasing us until we drove past a busy street. I saw him take a photo of me before so I was worried. It was like 1 in the morning so we got far parked and slept in a camping area. Appleboy kept snoring, so that kept me awake. A few minutes later, she started sleeping and she leaned over to my right shoulder. I slept.

The next morning I woke up and leaned her to the other side of her seat. I got out the car. Appleboy was drinking bottled water. The pilot of AC Uranus asked appleboy and I if we wanted a cigar, “no thanks” I said. Appleboy said sure. But he forgot his match. The one from Uranus’ pilot just ran out. I gave him mine. “Why do you have a match if you don’t smoke?” “I dunno” she woke up. I walked and leaned on a tree. An ad or something was on it. I ripped it off. It was a wanted poster and my picture was on it. We drove to the nest. I opened the door. I slid my raven ID card. It said they shut down. Our ACs were being shipped somewhere else. It saw them on three vessels. I celled Zinaida. “Hello?” “Uh, hey do you have your AC?” “ Yeah, why?” “ Can you get here, our ACs are being taken away.” Appleboy opened the door. We found one thing left, a Raven plane. We got in. I suited up. “Hey Appleboy, once we get there open the hatch.” “Sure, got it.” I toke a weapon off a wall. I toke a few clips with me. I cocked the gun. The door opened. I jumped out. It was dark. I hid, and a few hours later the ship stated to dock at a base guarded by two ACs, one spider legged. And the other one a lightweight humanoid AC. I look up at the plane. When it was coming close. A beam from the karasawa came from the clouds above hit it. Then another one hit it. The plane exploded. But I saw them, they had parachutes, so they were okay. My AC was put underground. I moved out. I looked up at the sky, I saw an AC drop down. It was a white; the eye was sort of orange. It looked at me. I thought it was Zinaida but her fighting style was different. I went in an elevator. Somebody said hi. I turned around. It was a soldier. I hit him unconscious. The door opened. A group of soldier was waiting in front of the door. We just stared at each other. A guy from the back of the group yelled intruder!! I ran. The ceiling began to collapse due to the fighting above. I got to my AC and jumped in the cockpit. The ceiling broke above the elevator. I saw Zinaida’s AC, but my AC couldn’t turn on. I finally found out the problem, since I wasn’t an officially a registered raven, my card was useless. I turned the menu on but couldn’t get in to the system that allows me to pilot the AC. I opened the circuit board. And toke out the data inside of it. I jumped out. And ran to a room full of computers. I connected the data on my AC to the computer by using a USB cable. Ahh, USB cables are so useful. I uploaded the data to the data folder. I opened it, and started rewriting programs and hacking in the “top secret” data. By the morning, I finished. I disconnected the USB cable. I toke the Data back to my AC and had to reprogram my AC. Uploading was quick. I went to the other ACs and did the same but used the same files from my AC (not including the not needed stuff exclusively on my AC though.) it was a breeze. I turned on the other ACs and put them on autopilot to follow my AC. I boosted out. The battle was over. I saw the white ac damaged so I went to take a look. The pilot was on the ground bleeding a bit. So I picked her up and boosted away.

Chapter 1 End…

ARMORED CORE
CHAPTER 2- SILENCE- (Armored Core 3; Silent Line)

It was 1 year since the incident of the controller was destroyed. All corporations stopped waging war. At least 90% of the ravens quit, retired, disappeared, or was K.I.A. AC parts were still being produced. The raven’s nest was completely destroyed and shut down. All charges were taken off me. The other pilots settled down, but I was the only one that was worried about earth. 6 weeks later, ravens start disappearing, all assigned the same missing. I was suspicious. I decided to join global cortex.
The raven test started. I was using my old AC. “So, if you want to be ravens you must destroy targets placed throughout this arena. You go first”
I turned on my AC they gave me default weapons. First, 4 heavyweight MTs came out. This was easy. 10 shots and they exploded. So I used about 40 bullets on them. I finished them off within 1 minute. “Part 2 of the test destroy an AC” an AC came out. This guy is a rookie. I dodged every shot, evaded every blade attempt, and destroyed him. “You are a very skilled pilot. Your rank was the highest we’ve ever witnessed, you given rank is rank S, you’re not to be underestimated.”

Inside global cortex………………………

I was assigned a mission. “Explore unexplored region.” “Raven, we are sending you to explore a region never seen before by man kind, you will be accompanied by two other ravens.” Accept mission? “Mission accepted…”

We’re here, now dropping AC…

I opened an electric door. “If man kind was never here, how can there be this?” Evangel said. “… Maybe a trap.” She said. “Oh, yeah I never got your name.” “Its Cicley.” “Cicley? So you were in the pink AC and calling for help at the same time? Man, I am really confused.” She giggled. Suddenly a disorder unit came from out side the door and destroyed it. It fell on Cicley’s AC “SHIT!” evangel yelled, “ We’re trapped,” “Hey Cicley, go in Evangels’ AC, your ac is useless with no legs.” She hopped into mine, I sighed. “ Lets move out.” So we moved throughout the base. Finally we reach what seemed to be the last door according to our radar. The door opened. All what was there was a huge room covered in rocks leaves and moss. There was something at the end of the room- it was IBIS, about more than two dozen disorder units, and the dead remains of AC parts scattered throughout the room, some looked like AC parts from the subterranean war and prototype parts, and behind IBIS was a computer covered by an energy shield. “Uhh… hey we are pretty much screwed, you know that Evangel?”
“ Yeah isn’t that obvious?” “ Hey Evangel take that disorder units, I’ll take ibis.” “ Got it.” terminate intruders. Terminate intruders. I took off my karasawa. “ Evangel, take my karasawa if you want to” I boosted to IBIS. It took my arm and spun my AC and threw me. My right arm was ripped off. I boosted towards it. It shot its beams. “AARRGGHH!!” I sliced off IBIS’ arm. IBIS held my head and lifted up my AC, pointed its weapon pods, aimed and then- I Fell. “ You should pay attention to ME too!” I stood up.
It shot Evangel’s head off. I kicked its head off and bladed it. I activated my vertical missiles. Shot. Physical body damaged beyond repair, disengaging combat. ANNOUNCEMENT: Purpose complete destruction of all ravens complete- mission finished. The computer self-destructed behind it was Zinaida’s AC. “ It seems I haven’t finished my mission yet. I’ll take care of you two personally.” “ Why…” BBOOOOMMMM!


ARMORED CORE
CHAPTER 3- “LOST” –ARMORED CORE NEXUS-

[LeonFloyd]

im in the process of making a armored core fanfic need help, so i am going to asked if you could change some stuff or help me make it

Explain: What do you mean?

[mrbananaisamonkey]

oh thanks leonfloyd

[Kenji]

I'm afraid I'm kind of at a loss...

For starters, is this a fanfic of the Armored Core world, or a fanfic of the Armored Core game? I ask this because a lot of narration is being spent on the equipment and menu screens as you guide us through several aspects of playing the game that, in and of itself, would have no bearing on the storyline.

Also, break up your paragraphs some. Most writers assign one line of spoken dialogue per paragraph to make reading easier... and their reasoning is justified here. There's also this odd feeling that comes when you go from one sentence of straightforward prose to another sentence that's like a frat dude trying to describe how he got that headshot in Halo 3, and both are narration.

In short, be a bit more careful and take the time to revise your draft. It'll help both you and us readers.

Oh, and...

Somebody said hi. I turned around. It was a soldier. I hit him unconscious.

Best. Line. Ever.

Seriously, though, this is a prime example of what I'm talking about. It looks like your protagonist just decked a guy for being polite, and I sincerely doubt it was your intention to turn him into a massive dick, so you need to be much more careful about your word choice.