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 Post Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 8:48 pm 
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Mecha Flunky
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it's been a month since One Year War has ended..

Zeon lose to EF.

but..

the Zeon Remnants begin their force to assault EF,once again.

UC 0080..

the EXAM Pilot,Nimbus Schterzen,was found alive. a group of Zeon Elite finds him when patrolling around the ruins of Side 11.

Robert : g-goddamit! that's Major Nimbus! everyone,help him!

Nimbus was taken to Side 7 by the Group of Zeon Remnants called themself,the "Hydra Team". a week has passed,Nimbus has regain himself. when he awoke,he looks around him. talking with the team's leader,Robert Ensbraun,he realize the One Year War has ended with the glory for EF.he shocked that Zeon has been disbanded. however,the soldier who still remains wants to get their revenge on EF. they discovered that Nimbus is a pilot who can withstand EXAM system effect. they beginning to do a research,once again,to revive the EXAM system..

Nimbus : you people.. what do you think of EXAM!? it's dangerous! you think you can handle it!?

Robert : we dont have any choice.. they have a powerful newtype,Amuro. Char Aznable has been defeated. if he's here,we wont told you to help us,Major..

Nimbus : but with EXAM system!? that cursed system makes me Unconscious in space for long!! and do you realize what if your normal soldier wears that!?

Robert : no.. we created EXAM system,it's all for you.. you're the only one who can handle it. only you're the one,Major. the "Paladin of Zeon". our only hope..

Nimbus : but. the system requires Newtype to operate,and how we can find a Newtype to do it!?

Robert : dont worry. Chlust Morses actually didnt only use Marion as his research. we've discovered another Newtype in his lab. come with me,you'll see her.

Nimbus and Robert walks to the sealed room. a girl with strange examination machine is there. the red haired girl,named Maria,tied along the machine.

Nimbus : is she.. a Newtype..?

Robert : certainly. no doubt. our rearcher has identified she as a Newtype. we will examine her and then we will make a new EXAM system. just for you,Major

Nimbus : my.. glory.. has started..? is this the time i'll regain my pride as the "Paladin of Zeon" once again..?

Robert : together,we will raise the Zeon flag,once again! Zeon will never dies!!

Nimbus : HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! GREAT!! it's the time to seek revenge against EF! Zieg..Zeon!!

Robert leaves Nimbus in the room. Nimbus then talked to the girl called Maria. he feels curious about her. it seems like the girl resemble Marion,the first Newtype to create the EXAM system.

Nimbus : *silently looking at Maria*

Maria : ........ *unconscious*

Nimbus : (i feel strong resemble to her. is she Marion..? no,Marion should have died when the end of my fight against Yu Kajima. but i fear.. i maybe can handle the previous EXAM system,but for this new,i cannot sure..)

Maria : uhh.. *barely talk*

Nimbus : *holding Maria's hand* please guide me to our glory. our hope is only you.


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 Post Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 10:47 pm 
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Newtype Emo Guy
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Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2007 1:27 pm
Posts: 329
Location: Heaven's Pillar
Uh...yeah.

It's really hard to understand what's going on here for starters. I have no idea who these people are or why I should even care about them.
You need to expand the story, which should fix the above issue. There's nothing that really hooks you in. Just a snippet of info and some dialogue, so it never grabs you to begin with.

Also, you really need to capitalize in your sentances.

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 Post Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 10:53 pm 
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Hot-blooded Gattai
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Posts: 8068
Location: Detroit, MI
Actually this was meant to be an opening to an RPG that he was trying to start here earlier this evening. Said attempt is in violation of the RPG selection process and looking like a fanfic at first, this thread was moved here from the UC RPG forum.

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 Post Posted: Sat Jun 14, 2008 11:06 pm 
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Traitor Villain
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Joined: Sun Mar 05, 2006 12:59 pm
Posts: 5914
Location: California
Better lose the script format, too. You're probably not going to go very far with it.


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