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 Post Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 12:20 am 
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AEUG Slapping Boy
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Time for rewrite. Because the previous one had so many flaws in it, it wasn't even funny.

------------------------------------

Mobile Suit Gundam: Malebolge

Setting: Kemal Dynasty (K.D.) 25

It is Kemal Dynasty 25, four years after the end of Federation-Purgatorus War, now named the Throne War. Following the Pyrrhic defeat of the Earth Federation, the Purgatorus began to establish its control over the Earth. Amid the abrupt regime change, Earth’s orbiting space colonies erupted into a 2 year long civil war.

The result: Severe economic imbalance and a massive depletion of the colonies’ small military power. As reconstruction begins to unfold, the colonies find themselves potentially defenseless and without support from the Earth.

With the Purgatorus establishing diplomatic and military order around the world, domesticating itself in America, Antarctica, Europe, Asia, Africa and Australia, they have now set their eyes on space. With the space colonies still in the process of reconstruction, the Purgatorus is only a fraction away from dominating the entire galaxy.

------------------------------------------------
Characters List (By order of introduction)

-None-
------------------------------------------------

FAQ’s

Q: So, you’ve come up with a fictional setting, huh? Why not the After Colony or Anno Domini Eras?
A: This was originally intended to take place in the After Colony Era, using the current After Colony Gundams. I then found out I was being to thick headed and unoriginal for my own well being.

Q: Malebolge? What kinda funky name is that?
A: Malebolge is the codename for the featured Gundam in this series. Its name is roughly translated to ‘Evil Ditches’ in Italian. The other Gundams will have the namesakes of the Malebranche, the supposed ‘Guardians’ of the Malebolge. Malebranche translates to ‘Evil Claws’.

Q: Woah, woah, WOAH. The Federation lost?! Um wtf nub feddies nvr luz
A: I realize that in the ongoing Gundam Metaseries, the Earth Federation; and its multiple incarnations, has never lost any major conflicts. I made the Federation lose their “One Year War”-ish scenario to portray the… how you would say, “Dark Side” of Gundam. I wanted to see what would happen if “Zeon” defeated the Federation and took control the Earth.

Q: This seems to go borderline with Gundam Wing-
A: I’ve gone over this with Big B (Mobile Suit Gundam Deus); I assure you, this’ll have little to no relation with Gundam Wing whatsoever.


Last edited by 'Dustin' on Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 12:58 am 
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A Frequently Asked Questions section implies that there are people asking questions.

The problem with the last one, as I recall, is that there was no story and it was just mecha stats and fluff. And there's still no story. So before you worry about FAQs and dramatis personae, maybe you should give us the story.


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 Post Posted: Tue May 27, 2008 2:47 am 
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I've been asked such questions when I discussed it with others.

And yes, there was no story previously because what I had down on paper sucked at the time. I've got material this time around.

As I said, I'm getting help from Big B, so everything should be more organized from now on. My last attempt was embarassing.


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 Post Posted: Wed May 28, 2008 9:25 am 
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Yes, it's different. There's details and characters which do exist, but I'm not going to reveal as not to spoil anything.

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 Post subject: Chapter 1, Episode 1
 Post Posted: Mon Nov 17, 2008 6:52 pm 
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Episode 1; Chapter 1: Bisbigli Nello Scuro (Whispers of the Dark)

Kemal Dynasty 19. Following the events of Operation: END GUNDAM, the Earth Sphere Federation had ceased to exist. In its place rose the Purgatorus, the totalitarian polar opposite of its predecessor. The moment the Purgatorus seized power, their plans for Earth were put underway.

Two years later, in due part to the loss of the Earth Federation, Earth’s orbiting space colonies erupted into civil war. The warring factions battled fiercely, each side callously burning through lives and resources in futile attempts at gaining the upper-hand. After two long years of bloodshed, the conflict ended in stalemate.

Kemal Dynasty 25. The Purgatorus has completely taken over Earth and now looks towards the stars, towards outer space…

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

--Colony of Allerta Silenziosa; L2 Area--

The stars rolled by as the vacuum of space hissed quietly. The space colonies could be seen, the damage, gruesome scars from the civil war, still obvious. Behind them sat the Earth, the center of so many conflicts in the past; the center of so many conflicts to come. But for now, a strange tranquility flowed through her thick, blue aura, and all seemed at peace.

Azim Kemal longed for the planet with careful eyes. He sighed, folding his arms. “The Earth is just one of many beauties of this solar system.” He blinked, looking towards the other outlying space colonies. “And the space colonies… man’s solution to the baby boom. But to segregate the people of space from the people of Earth… would God be proud? Did the Federation go too far too quickly?”
Behind him, a monitor suddenly flickered to life, flooding the room with the cheers of millions. Azim turned; his new focus the images on the screen.

“To bring peace,” the monitor boomed, “Earth and the space colonies, both centers of conflict for too many years, must become one. That is why, effective immediately-“
The speech was cancelled as Azim shut the monitor off, sighing.
“He’s going about this the completely wrong way. If he wants the attention of the people…” He looked back towards Earth, putting his hands behind his back.
“He needs to inspire them with proper ideals, not sweetened words backed by sharpened swords. That always leads to empty, worthless promises; made to be broken and tossed aside without a second thought.” And I hate that.”

--Colony of Lato di Sun; L1 Area--

If it was anything, it was dark inside Hangar 9. One could barely see shadows, cast by the grand celestial body, otherwise called the Sun. The only thing that could be made out, maybe, were voices.
“It’s funny how after just four years those guys are already hungry for Outer Space,” A young, masculine voice mused.

“I think it’s a good change of pace, for once,” another noticeably gruffer voice called out. “What’s the matter; is life going by too fast, or are you just nervous?”

The younger voice scoffed, loudly. “Nope, I lied. I’ve been waiting for this day a long time now.”

A feminine being giggled. “You’re anxious, aren’t you, big boy?”

The younger voice smiled to himself. “Who wouldn’t be? This’ll be the best fun I’ve had in a while!”

The light behind the male powered on, revealing what was, or what seemed to be a large mech. Its dark colors blended with its pitch black surroundings, conveying a rather sinister feel; a dark feel. Several blades poked out from its back in a complete circle.

“We even get cooler toys to play with now.” He cackled.


The Luminoso Sector of Lato Di Sun was no deviation from the suggestion of its Italian namesake; bright. Named after its location, Lato di Sun was stationed in the L1 area of the Langrangian Points throughout space, in the path of the Sun’s light. Luminoso was the area where the Sun’s rays hit the hardest, so it was only natural to call the place bright.

He sat at in the warm interior of a coffee shop, a silent anomaly among the chattering, more frequent patrons of the area. Asleep, maybe, for the most part; his eyes were shut and his breaths were few and far-out. His dark-skinned hands rested together, fingers interlaced. His chin carefully positioned on his closed hands, he seemed at a peace long-forgotten by his fast-paced era of metal and machinery.
Looking on, the bartender questioned the customer’s state; he had been in that position for over two hours. Turning his head, the bartender looked at the clock: half past ’11. He shook the man’s shoulder lightly.
“Hey, man, wake up. You’ve been here two hours and haven’t done a thing. I’m gonna have to ask ya to leave.”

He got no response. Slowly however, the patron opened his eyes, giving the bartender a rather icy, if not stale gaze. Parting his hands, his palms touched the table.

“Sorry, sir, but if you’re going to stay here, you need to buy something. If not, you’re gonna have to find some other place to loiter.”
The patron sat up in his stool, his wild hair slightly disheveled. Artificial gravity had apparently worn it down. Leaning into the light behind him a bit, something reflected around the man’s neck.
The bartender gasped lightly.
“Those are… you’re a soldier…?” He asked, seeming panicked.
Without a word, the patron stood up, careful to lift the door’s veil on his way out of the store.

Stepping into the sunlight, reflected off of the colony’s solar mirror panels, the patron was dressed in a dull green t-shirt, matched by a jungle themed pair of camouflage pants. Around his neck lay a set of dog tags, each one sporting a different name. White bandages wrapped around his lower arms, coupled with fingerless green gloves over his hands. His skin color was a moderate chocolate brown; his face a stoic, indifferent expression. His left cheek was lined with a scar, as was the left side of his neck. Attached to his belt was a sheath, containing what could easily be a combat knife, and further off, hidden underneath his shirt looked like a gun. Desert Eagle type. His left arm raised to spare his face from harsh solar rays, the man walked along the side of the road.

“Wasn’t there another one of us…?” A frail female voice spoke out, accompanied with a small Spanish accent.

“Yeah, there was… must be some kind of jerk for being this late.” The young male voice barked.

The man strode into the wet alley, putting his hands in his pockets. A chain hung from one of the belt loops of his pants, flowing all the way to another loop on the posterior end. His hair seemed normal, now.

“I hear he’s some professional soldier like us. He apparently fought in the war.” An older female voice said, seeming calm.

“A soldier wouldn’t be so late.” The male responded in a mocking tone.

Opening the side door to the hangar building, the man entered, pushing aside the brownish, aged veil. He stepped forward, keeping silent, his eyes shut.

“Nobody’s perfect,” The woman said sharply, folding her arms.

One of the attendants looked behind him, seeing the dark skinned man come up. “Oi, you’re late.”

“”Either way, we were all here on time. That doesn’t excuse this guy.”

Slowly, the hangar bay lights powered on one by one, revealing five more machines similar to the one presented before. While the same in form and structure, their designs were quite different from their predecessor. One of the blonde women turned to face them, flashing a grin.
“Marvelous,” she said.

One of the main doors opened from another side of the hangar, a man entering the main bay with a second behind him. The four individuals turned to face the lead man, the young male’s hands on his hips.
“Well, well, who’s this?” He questioned.
The elder man smiled lightly, moving to the side to give the four others a good view of the man behind him. “Sure thing, I’ll skip straight to introductions.”

The dark skinned man stood there, silent. After an awkward moment of silence, the other man spoke.

“This… is the boy that defeated you guys two years ago. Amadi Akintunde.”

Amadi opened his eyes slowly, giving everyone a indifferent stare.

[Proofread and edited]


Last edited by 'Dustin' on Thu Jan 08, 2009 7:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post Posted: Tue Nov 18, 2008 8:09 pm 
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Not bad. I can't wait for the next chapter.


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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 08, 2009 6:23 pm 
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No Chapter Update for today, but I can definately say it will be in soon. Chapter 1 has been revised a bit in the way of description and grammar usage thanks to a proofreader.

But what I do have is OPs 1 and 2 for the first Season of Gundam Malebolge. It's funny, I never expected the music and lyrics of these select BeForU songs to have such... relevance to my story. D:

Gundam Malebolge OP 1: Morning Glory (BeForU) [Ep 1-10]
Gundam Malebolge OP 2: Ki-Se-Ki{Miracle} (BeForU) [Eps 11-?]

To be frank, there are going to be five openings for Gundam Malebolge. How I plan to fit them all in accordingly, is my secret. Chapter 2 will be up once I finish it, and get it proofread. I'm halfway in.


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 Post Posted: Sat Jan 10, 2009 4:31 am 
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Hey, Dustin.

I wanted to give this a read before I considered other *certain things.

Your OP choices sound pretty good. I went out to look for them. By the way, if it's ever possible for you to provide a resource for your readers, you should probably do that. =)

Morning Glory
Ki-Se-Ki

But onto your chapter, you can say that I liked it. I can tell from your writing that you're actually pretty talented. The narrative is good, and you have good word choice. It's nice to see that you take the time to describe the environment and also narrate the dialogue instead of just having a long series of characters speaking lines. That's annoying when it happens, right? In that format, you might as well just put it in script form so we can tell who is talking. Thank you very much for doing the dialogue well.

Again, I feel that your handle on the language and narrative is very good, but there are a few spots that were strange. I'm sure you can identify and work through them yourself in the future.

I don't think that I have a strong enough impression of the story yet to offer a general opinion. Not enough has happened for me to say anything, especially since you are still introducing your stuff. So far, all I know is that there have been some wars and civil conflicts, and there are at least two groups of people collaborating over operations dealing with these mobile suits they have.

Asides from your good writing, there is nothing yet that has caught my attention very much. Azim Kemal and his insight seemed interesting, but of course that scene was very short and I didn't get to see any more. I'm waiting to see more of what your main protagonist is about. I hope you can get more out soon so I can get a good impression of your work, and I hope things are going well for you.

Good work, sir. =o

_________________
"Red particles are bad, they mutate you into... dead? But green/blue particles are good, apparently, for reasons and for purposes yet to be determined. Isn't science sometimes nicely color-coded?"
-Antares

GW: The Sword . Sera's Art . Gameplay . The Lost Citadel


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 Post Posted: Sun Jan 11, 2009 10:32 pm 
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That version of Ki-Se-Ki is the incorrect one; the Album Version is what you're looking for. Sounds much better. xP

Thanks for the input, hopefully I'll have chapter 2 out with no problems; it features the first battle in the series, by the way.


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 Post Posted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 5:27 pm 
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Episode 1; Chapter 2, Part 1: Bisbigli Nello Scuro (Whispers of the Dark)

--Sydney Point, the Outback; Australia—

With a crashing thud, the Excellius Mobile Suit hit the ground, its torso cut to ribbons. Standing over the battered Federation war machine, was the Purgatorus PMS-X02 Vengeance, particle beam saber in hand. Coated a dull turquoise and manufactured at a massive rate, the Vengeance was a generation ahead of its Federation-era predecessor, the PMS-X01 Legion.

The Suit’s pilot blinked under his helmet, chuckling to himself. “This thing’s perfect, truly a work of modern art!” He cheered, tapping a selection of keys on the holographic keypad taking residence on the rightmost main monitor. Grasping the controls, he shot the Vengeance towards the next target, a second Excellius model.
Bringing the Suit’s particle beam saber to the side, the Vengeance pilot reached for the hip mounted beam rifle, squeezing off three shots towards the enemy. Stepping to the side, the Excellius avoided the oncoming barrage, raising its shield to ward off the high density beams. The impact sent the Federation Suit stumbling backwards in recoil.

“At least you’re intelligent,” the Vengeance pilot mused, bringing his Mobile Suit into a one hundred and eighty degree spin, lashing out with the beam saber once more. The first cut sheared through the top half of the shield, leaving the Excellius open for attack.

“T-this isn’t fair!” The Excellius pilot gasped, frantically pulling his Mobile Suit away from its Vengeance counterpart. Yanking his helmet from his head, his chestnut tinted hair was frazzled by the beads of sweat lining his forehead.
“None of this was supposed to happen! We couldn’t have lost to you people so badly that we’ve been reduced to becoming target practice!”

Saying this, he literally spat at the main monitor. The Vengeance pilot chuckled, pulling his own helmet off as well. A bright violet pile of hair covered his head, several locks leading trails down the back of his skull, with a neat cluster of bangs lining his forehead. His crimson irises took in a good measure of natural light, constricting the pupils they surrounded. Smiling to himself, the pilot opened up a channel with the Excellius.

“You seem like a decent individual; what’s your name?” He asked. His audience gasped lightly, quite obviously flabbergasted that his enemy would even bother communicating with him.

“I’m Beriszl Paki of the Earth Federation’s 3rd Garrison. What’s it to you?”

At least he has a name, the Vengeance pilot thought, laying his head against his right fist.
“Jean-Michael Russo of the Purgatorus’ 22nd Mobile Close Combat Battalion. It’s a pleasure to finally get to know you, Feddie Pilot.” He said, almost sarcastic.
Beriszl’s mouth was slightly agape, as he stared into the communications monitor.
“Why come all the way to ask my name, though?” He asked, easing his grip on the controls.
Jean shrugged, giving off a wry smirk.
“Maybe it’s because I want to remember your name, for when I end your pitiful existence,” He grinned, launching his Vengeance forward, particle beam saber held out in front of the Mobile Suit, its point aiming for Beriszl’s cockpit.
“What the- damn!” Beriszl hissed rather loudly, raising the lower half of his suit’s shield to defend against whatever attacks Jean had to offer.

Pulling back on his suit’s control sticks, Jean banked high, already feeling the effects of gravity’s downward pull as he ascended. Had the G-Force dampeners not been present, he'd have experienced a rather deadly redout. Pulling even further on the controls, Jean brought the Vengeance into an aerial backflip, indicators beeping simultaneously with the constant red flash that accompanied it.
"Didn't even try to retreat, I see," He observed, calmly weaving in and out of the Excellius' oncoming linear rifle shots.

"Fighting for your life, huh?" He eased forward on the controls, heading towards the Excellius at an alarming rate. As Jean approached him, Beriszl brought his suit back a couple of steps, firing off several shots from the suit’s Linear Rifle. The Vengeance went into a diving barrel roll, the oncoming shots missing their target once more.
“It’s over for you!” Jean barked as he slammed his feet on the pedals below him, kicking the Mobile Suit’s booster pack to life.

It came quicker than Beriszl had estimated. A triad of particle beam shots struck his suit’s legs and rifle arm, searing the respective limbs from the main body. As the torso hit the rocky ground below, its adversary sent off another shot, this time taking the Excellius’ head from its shoulders. The cockpit of the Excellius buckled, thrashing Beriszl about in the restraints. The massive amounts of static and system malfunctions running throughout the suit’s frame prompted the monitors to shut down, with several other system shut downs following suit. Anxiety quickly welled up in Beriszl as his suit was rendered useless.
“I can’t even see anything…!” He cried, yanking at the control sticks.

The Vengeance’s beam saber plunged into the Excellius’ upper torso, the head of the saber sliding through the cockpit, down the middle of the ravaged suit. Jean smirked, tapping his fingers against the head of his right control stick. “And I suppose that’s that,” he murmured, pressing a switch next to the said control, initiating the beam saber’s self destruct. He then eased the Vengeance back, avoiding the ensuing explosion.

Adjusting the collar of his flight suit, Jean sighed lightly to himself as a virtual monitor came up in front of him, obscuring a portion of the main monitor. The visage of a young blonde male addressed him.
“Marion Sabre,” he began. The one known as Marion scoffed, twirling a long of hair around his gloved fingers.
“Arbitus Desiderous, I thought I told you not to call me by my birth name. It irks me so.”
“If you’re done mopping up over there, return to Torrington Base. Representative Ackman’s giving an address and the commander wants all pilots that are out on sortie here at once.” Arbitus explained, blinking.
The cockpit suddenly became stale from the pilot’s perspective. Clenching his teeth behind pursed lips, he averted his green eyes.
Is he now? What’s the old man prattling about now, I wonder.
Sliding his fingers across a virtual keypad, a second screen appeared alongside the one occupied by Arbitus. Adjusting the volume level on the second screen, Marion sat back in his seat.
“Marion-“
“I apparently found it.”

---------------------------------

The audience died down as Ackman calmly lifted a hushing gesture. The chamber was in captive silence as the politician dabbed small beads of sweat from his brow, quickly adjusting his posture to a more appropriate one.

“The instability of outer space has now come to our attention. As a result of an apparent civil war, the neighboring space colonies are now in dishevelment, all thanks to the indiscriminate and wanton destruction caused by the warring citizens. As our local governments had only begun to establish themselves a year after the devastating civil conflict, several minor foundations supplied the colonies with minimal funds to provide an at least stable economy to replace the one that was regrettably distorted following the end of the Federation-Purgatorus War.”

The hushed murmurs of reporters and fellow politicians were filled with slight shock and understanding as they took in Ackman’s words. Alecander Ackman cleared his throat. All eyes were once again on him.

“And as anticipated, these said funds would eventually deplete in consistency within a few months. Many suspect this is in due part to the former Federation’s rather unorganized socialist policies that were enacted, leaving the Earth and its colonies little to no wealth available after an eventual collapse. Without an efficient economy, the colonies will once again fall into instability and anarchy that will last for decades. To believe the citizens of outer space can handle themselves without the assistances of a thriving government is absurd and self centered. This is why I authorize the immediate annexation of Lagrange Point into the Earth System.”

He concluded, extending his right arm and fist towards his clamorous audience. The thunder of applause cracked a smile from Ackman’s parched lips as he backed away from the pedestal in front of him, proceeding down the small steps that lead off the stage. The expected flashing of cameras caught Ackman’s already wayward attention, prompting him to put in a wave or two.

His brow furrowed as he cleared his clogged throat again, once he slipped into a narrow corridor, a pair of security guards flanking his front and back.
“The citizens of outer space have given me no choice, ruling family,” he muttered, running a hand through his gelled back hair.
“Proper guidance is what they need; that foolish war of theirs cost us trillions in damages alone, let alone resources to clean up the miles upon miles of space debris.”

Ackman sighed to himself, tilting his head to the marine sky as he exited the stadium lobby.
“If they need a leader, they most certainly will get one.”

--Colony of Lato di Sun; L1 Area--

The young blonde haired male scoffed in blatant disbelief at the sudden revelation. “You’re kidding,” he said. “This is the guy that singlehandedly raped us during the war? Doesn’t really look like much.”
The older man at Amadi’s side stroked his chin, seeping air out through his nostrils in an annoyed sigh.

“Contrary to your beliefs, this is the guy.” He said, turning his head towards the new arrival, who said nothing. Amadi’s eyes seemed fixed on Justus, however. “I’d let him speak for himself, but he doesn’t exactly… talk much.”
Justus snickered out loud. “Then he’s a robot; what kinda human being doesn’t speak?”

Sliding his hands into the pockets of his blue jeans, Justus walked over towards Amadi, wearing a rather dissatisfied expression on his already unimpressed face.
“I mean sure, the guy looks tough, what with the scars and the getup. But does that prove anything?” He asked, the question aimed towards himself more than the others in the room. “Don’t think so,” he shrugged, closing his eyes.

One of the women stepped forward, whipping her back-length hair over her right shoulder. She smiled, lapping one arm over the other beneath of bosom.
“Come on Justus, he can’t be all that bad. In fact,” she raised her hands, spreading the extremities to mimic a picture frame. Framing her fingers around Amadi’s visage, she grinned.
“He’s got the look of a real soldier about him; burly, adamant and handsome. I get a few dark vibes from him, but that’s no problem I can’t handle.” She lowered her hands, winking suggestively at Amadi. “The name’s Lena Cestis. You interested?” She asked.

The dark skinned man insisted on keeping silent, instead turning his attention towards the six colossal structures that loomed over their human counterparts. His elder companion turned to face them as well, smiling broadly.
“Spectacular, right?” he said aloud, placing his hands on his hips.

((So, I decided to do some spacing of the paragraphs and whatnot, seprating some dialogue from description. Not sure I did too well on that, but that's the best I can work with. D: ))


Last edited by 'Dustin' on Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post Posted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 11:49 pm 
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Hey, Dustin.

I have no idea why, but whenever someone puts up lines that describe dates or setting, I just automatically overlook them like they're not there at all. It's the same deal with titles. >.> For inattentive people like me, I think you should go ahead and describe the setting visually in your text. It'll help things seem more wholesome, and altogether less lazy.

The fight was well written, but I found a problem in that the background was never described at all. It felt like they were just fighting with nothingness as the backdrop. If you can go ahead and add that detail, I think that would help me. His beam saber self detonates! :shock: I also think that your vocabulary concerning flight controls probably exceeds my own. And while the fight was decent, I find fighting named grunts and killing them easily to be a bit stale. Why does everyone open with that? I'm sorry if I sound mean, but lately I think my expectations for fight choreography are set a little too high. :x Don't worry, this is mostly my problem, not yours.

I don't know why, but once Jean and Marion start talking, I have no idea what's going on. Was it not written correctly? I can't tell. Also, I think there may have been some parts that you meant to have in Italics, but didn't show up when you copy/pasted. You have to put the Italics tags when you post for that to show up.
Code:
[i][/i]

My story actually has two files for each chapter because one version contains all the tags necessary for the forum post. Doing this might be a good idea for you. Why yes, I did pull my hair out trying to find all of the modified text in my long-as-hell chapters.

The sentences spoken by that Ackman guy were too long. Once I got halfway through one sentence, I forgot the beginning of it! And is his name really Alecander instead of Alexander? Typo?? Breaking up his speech more would help a lot.

I know they teach you differently in school, but I tend to only doublespace or move down a few lines for dialogue only when a different person speaks. If a person speaks, followed by narrative, and then the same person speaks again, I tend to leave that all as the same paragraph. I think it helps organization and reduces confusion.

You should definitely doublespace more, especially for dialogue and character interaction.

In the last segment, I think you just begin to refer to Justus without even introducing him there. Over all, I'm having a hard time telling who is who or why things are happening.

I suppose these aren't easy fixes, Dustin, but no one said it'd be a walk in the park. Take your time with these chapters and these repairs, since it can be rather rigorous.

I also saw your new comic. It was psychotic, but also hilarious. I really loved it. I think even I can't match those kinds of expressions. It really felt like art, if you asked me. It felt like it expressed something, rather than it being some thing someone happened to put down on paper and called a drawing.

I'll probably have to go back and re-read all of Malebolge for a proper review. Otherwise, good luck in your endeavors. Don't hesitate to ask if you need some specific help. =o

_________________
"Red particles are bad, they mutate you into... dead? But green/blue particles are good, apparently, for reasons and for purposes yet to be determined. Isn't science sometimes nicely color-coded?"
-Antares

GW: The Sword . Sera's Art . Gameplay . The Lost Citadel


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 Post Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:19 pm 
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I didn't take their surrounding into consideration mainly because I kind of didn't think of it while writing the fight scene. I'll edit that part later when I have time. Or in the movie version lols

When I write death scenes, I normally give details as to the character's death. Keep in mind no such thing was done with mister Paki here; so his 'death' may not have happened at all. The 'self detonation' of the beam saber is more like the saber's reactor overloading, causing an eventual meltdown, and release of energy. That was a pretty good choreographed fight, by the way.

Jean-Michael Russo and Marion Sabre are the same person. Marion is JEan's real name, with Jean being his assumed one. You'll get the clue as to why very soon. And yes, I know what you're talking about with left italics. I'll fix that in a bit.

Yeah, so is the woe when you write speeches. Even I can't read it all too well without getting lost in the narrative. I'll see what I can do; when describing actions following vocalization, there aren't many words or phrases I can think of to fill the gaps in between.

Double spacing seems messy and unnecessary to me, though. Seperating paragraphs is so hard to do because I don't know where to seperate them right.

The 'odd introduction' of Justus and the others is actually intentional. In order to expand on some characters throughout the story, minimal to little description of them will be used in the beginning, or their debut. Broader, more visual ones will be used as teh story progresses. There's reason for this.

And finally, the name issue. Alecander is a derivative of Alexander that I made myself. My rule with typos is that if you see it once, it's a typo. If you see it throughout the chapter/story, it's intentional.
I used Alecander because it's meant to provide a corrupted or false, more contradictory meaning to the name Alexander. Which means 'Defender of Mankind'. So in a sense, Alecander is a contradiction to the meaning of his name.


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 Post Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 8:20 pm 
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Pilot's Doomed Girlfriend

Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2007 5:08 pm
Posts: 434
Location: Ontario
Once again, a decent chapter. As was already stated, some of it was a bit confusing, and overall, it could be better. However, that's not to say I didn't enjoy it.
But, could you please elaborate on the Malebolge/Evil Ditches thing? What does it mean?


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 Post Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 10:13 am 
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AEUG Slapping Boy
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Joined: Wed Dec 26, 2007 8:19 pm
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Location: Colony 01
According to Dante Alghieri's 'The Divine Comedy', the Malebolge is the 8th circle of hell, most undoubtedly the worst place you can afford to be in. Each 'ditch' of the Malebolge is an area of 'punishment' for every kind of sinner. There're ten swords on the Gundam Malebolge, representing 10 seperate sins. At the end of the Malebolge is Cocytus, the pool of ice that God condemned Satan to for eternity.

The Malebranche serve as the guardians of the Malebolge, and though each member is supposed to be 'infallible', each of them is corrupt in their own way, making them walking contradictions; or decievers.


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 Post Posted: Sat Apr 25, 2009 10:48 pm 
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Elitist Earth Politician
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And due to the thing apparently not finding my e-mail, I had to succumb and make a new account. Dunno if this was an understandable or allowed move on my part, but bah.

After a nice chat with an 'advisor' of mine, I realized what I've been doing now has been completely wrong, and has had me delving into 'Sunrise Territory'. Which is what I've been trying to evade all along. So, with a better incentive of what I'm doing, I should be able to write this better than what I've done already, and with... better understanding of what's going on. Cause apparently most of the military characters in this so far have not acted like military officials at all.

Sorry for the breaking news. But I'm 'sorta' starting over with a better rewrite. I don't want to do with the Kemal Dynasty what Sunrise has done to Gundam: Move away from the main point of Gundam; Military versus Military.

The changes won't be major; more minor-large than anything else. I just want to do things... correctly. Enough so that they make sense literally and Gundamy.


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