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 Post Posted: Fri Jul 16, 2010 12:21 pm 
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Elitist Earth Politician
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No! Team Issac crashed and burnt!

Nice description of Robinson's death though. Always nice to see the bastards get it in the face.

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 Post Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 3:14 am 
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bam! Phase 04 of "Red Planet" is up. i'm serious guys i actually want to finish these two this year. possibly even by October, although i may be a little too optimistic for that one...

and posting two chapters within seven days of each other is totally fast for me. =P


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 Post Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:02 pm 
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Y'know, I'm starting to feel bad for Kira. I mean, aside from the occasional crazy evil sex, he hasn't got a lot going for him, has he?

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 Post Posted: Mon Jul 19, 2010 10:15 pm 
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Think of it as a karmic counterbalance for the TV show, where he had everything going for him.

=P


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 Post Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 11:40 pm 
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hahgslahglk Phase 46 is up

holy jesus balls i might actually finish this thing this year like omg gaiz

on the other hand, school resumes in mid-August, so, well, yeah


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 Post Posted: Thu Jul 29, 2010 2:40 am 
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Okay, you wanted feedback, I’m going to give you feedback.

Thoughts after reading Phase 1: good overall.

One of the things that could use some work is the dialog, it’s a little awkward, granted there isn’t that much in this phase so I’ll hold off on detailed criticism on that for now. Another thing that crops up in the first Mecha battle is your method of description. There a lot of “thunderous crashes” and “Cold flashing eyes.” Although it can sometimes bring emphasis to certain things, when used with every action, sound or sight, it looses that emphasis and clutters up the flow and pacing of the fight. I personally think that combat should be fast paced, Action, reaction/counter action. Set up the descriptions before the fight beguines, then once shots start flying keep it to a minimum, focusing only on action and reaction, then add the descriptions for dramatic emphasis near the climax. If the situation is one where one combatant quits the fight before there is a conclusion, like the battle in Phase 1, it’s alright to leave out the climactic emphasis since the fight is unresolved. It will leave the reader hanging just enough to make them want to see how the fight will be concluded later on.

With all criticism, it’s worth what you paid me. Take it or leave it. I’ll read on to the next phase (and probably end up distracted and writing my own fan fic) then give you more commentary.

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 Post Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2010 1:40 am 
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woot feedback! thanks.

Can you explain what you mean by the description in my action scenes? I'm not sure I'm following.

Also, while I in no way discourage critique of my style and mechanical use of the language, if you're going to keep reading I want to hear more about the plot and the characters and whether or not they're coming out well/what needs work among them. I've been perusing some of the opinions of my DESTINY rewrite and it looks like I succeeded in creating a story as polarizing and divisive as DESTINY itself was, which is kind of awesome I guess. But the critics raised some fair points about out-of-character-ness, killing too many characters too casually and abruptly, and going overboard on the grimdark. And while I'm not exactly crushed to hear that /m/ hates me, I do want to avoid the pitfalls I fell into the first time.


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 Post Posted: Fri Jul 30, 2010 11:14 pm 
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You use a lot of Adverbs and Adjectives can actually slow down the pacing of the fight.

Here’s the clearest example.

Quote:
The Destiny darted up into the air, firing its long beam cannon down towards the Blu Duel. Mudie ducked to the side, pitching through the air and nearly losing her sub-wing unit in the process. The Destiny came roaring down, a huge anti-ship sword raised high. Mudie raised the Blu Duel's shield, but with a crash, the Destiny's sword went tearing through the Blu Duel's shield, snapping it in two. The Destiny brought the sword down through the Blu Duel's arm and leg, and ripped the sub-wing unit in two— and with a thunderous crash, delivered a devastating kick to the Blu Duel's face, sending it careening into the ocean.

The Destiny turned its cold green eyes on the Strike Noir. Sven glared in frustration at his shimmering foe, leveling off both his beam pistols and opening fire. The Destiny danced around Sven's shots as though they weren't there, swinging its sword wildly— Sven sent the Noir pitching backward desperately. "He'd tear apart reinforcements," Sven grunted, ducking another sword blow and taking off along the water. "Dammit!"


Near the start of phase 2 it’s mentioned that this whole fight took only thirty seconds. But as a reader it didn’t feel like thirty seconds. It is in no way a bad fight, but it feels much longer. Part of this is because you are trying to describe too much. Streamlining the action could help you in this regard.

Here is how I would rewrite this section of the battle:

Quote:
The Destiny darted upwards, firing its long beam cannon down towards the Blu Duel. Mudie ducked to the side, pitching through the air and nearly losing her sub-wing in the process. The Destiny dropped down after her, an anti-ship sword raised high. Mudie brought her shield around, but the Destiny's sword sliced it in two. The Destiny brought the sword down, severing the Blu Duel's right arm and leg, then through her sub-wing. There was a thunderous crash, as the Destiny delivered a devastating kick to the Blu Duel's face, sending it careening into the ocean.

The Destiny turned its cold green eyes on the Strike Noir. Sven glared in frustration at his foe, leveled off both his beam pistols and opened fire. The Destiny danced and spun around his shots as if it could see where Sven was aiming before he even pulled the trigger. The Destiny’s sword swung towards the Strike Noir— Sven sent the Noir pitching backward desperately. "He'd tear apart reinforcements," Sven grunted, ducking another sword blow and taking off along the water. "Dammit!"


Again, this is just how I would do it. In the first paragraph you can see that I just pruned things down and replaced a few words so that the events and meaning are the same, just conveyed with fewer words. Second paragraph required a bit more liberty on my part, since I changed some of the metaphors a bit. “The Destiny danced around Sven's shots as though they weren't there” sounds fine at first, but when you think about it, doesn’t make much sense in this context. The shots are obviously there, otherwise the Destiny wouldn’t be dancing around them. If the Destiny were moving like the shots weren’t their, it would be coming strait on without bothering to dodge them.

The second part of that original sentence also doesn’t fit right, “swinging its sword wildly” this sounds wrong to anyone with even the most minimum of experience with swords (or padded sticks in my case). You don’t swing a sword around wildly unless you have no idea what you are doing with it. Vermillion clearly knows what he is doing, so wildly swinging a sword just doesn’t fit.

Again, this is just my opinion, not saying your way is wrong and my way is right. This is just how I would alter things according to my experience and preference.

As for critiques of your plot and characters, that will have to wait until I’ve read more.

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 Post Posted: Tue Aug 03, 2010 8:08 am 
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Finally got to 46. Good fight all around, you made it especially brutal but I guess Emily's rampage called for that. One of the rare moments in your writing when it seems like the protagonists don't have to fight that hard for their kills. I suppose it is unavoidable that there was some repetition again in that sense; there was a lot of arms of mobile suits going in through the chest and out the back and also a lot of cutting into two. I suppose it heightens Emily's killer instinct, but was the Twilight built to handle this sort of pressure? I mean, slamming arms through torsos requires a hefty punch (or a cutting edge, maybe there was one mention, I'm sorry I can't remember).

So we're going to see another smackdown but you're only 4 episodes down to the end of this one. Interested to see how it ends.

On Red Planet 04, I especially liked this bit:
Quote:
And the round-the-clock suicide watches in that miserable first year were probably necessary in the long run, as some people simply could not keep up with the strain.
Sounded very familiar to Max Brooks' World War Z and how some people who survived to safety were so demoralized they just went asleep and never woke up again.

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 Post Posted: Mon Aug 09, 2010 8:08 pm 
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Phase 47 up


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 Post Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 7:47 am 
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Describing the Twilight's blood-soaked and intestine-splattered appearance was very good; I could actually visualize it. And I noticed the cast also wondered about the mobile-suit-impaled-by-arm -trick. ;)

Another good spot was Stella's inner monologue, that seemed very well in character.

And God I love Rau. In a bad way, though. I wish Emily had gone to chat with Athrun and repeated word for word what the masked bastard had said. Athrun and Shinn might've felt obliged to drown him in a bucket. :mrgreen:

Just one linguistic note:
Quote:
They called him the Seer, but anymore, that just seemed ironic.

Wouldn't They called him the Seer, but now that just seemed ironic [to her]. be better?

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 Post Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 12:29 pm 
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Yeah, Stella's reasoning was very nicely-written and you've given her far more dimension than she's probably ever received elsewhere.

I get the feeling that whenever Athrun or Shinn cast a suspicious look towards Rau, he just looks at the ceiling and starts whistling innocently. :)

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 Post Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 6:38 pm 
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Now that I have finished chapter 26 and am at the half way point for the story of Twilight, I figured now would be a good time to give you a review before I forget some of the nitpickings that I have. However, first I would like to say that I love this story. I remember you back in the day when you first started posting Destiny on Fanfiction and I loved it.

Once you start posting Twilight, I have no doubt that you will be in the top three most popular writers for Gundam Seed on Fanfiction. The other two are: Manderfole who is finishing his Golden Age Trilogy (I must recommend this series to everyone...but it will take months for you to catch up due to the length, but it is so epic it is unbelievable) and Mail who is writing: Gundam Seed Dauntless, Serenity, and Divinity (over-rated and one of the most frustrating fanfics I have ever read... but I will not start on that.)

In other words, I am seriously looking forward to the second coming of ShadowCell. You have defiantly improved as a writer and I can't wait for you to show a thing or two to those kids who have taken over fanfiction with their rewrites of rewrites and chapters that are about a paragraph long...but I digress. My feedback for this series will mostly be that of story elements and not so much of grammer and the like...so lets jump straight into the firefight shall we?

Now, for Twilight… I must recommend that you consider changing that name of this series...it isn't your fault that everything related to Twilight is now been associated with a terrible book series (I am a girl and even I think they suck!), but at the same time when people see the word “Twilight” their mind jumps to a sparkly vampire in a inexplicable cultural phenomena and not a BA Gundam Fanfic. I know that it will take a lot of time going through every chapter and changing the name Twilight...but the alternative might be worse. Of course, this is your decision, but I just thought I should mention it. Hmmm, if this series didn't take place in the future and Emily wasn't part of Project Evolution and was just a normal girl...I think she would love Twilight. Hmmm, maybe that was what you were going for? :)

All joking aside, here are some things I think you should take a look at before you post this up on fanfiction. Over all I think that story is great, but these are just some small things that I think you should look at to make the story flow better.

First, you may want to look at the battle in Chapters 7 and 8, I don't know why but I just don't think they flow as well as the rest of your battles. Maybe it is just me...

When looking at other people’s comments I think you may want to make it more clear that Rau helps Meyrin with her tactics, so people will not be questioning why Shinn or Athrun doesn't just shoot the SOB. Either that or you can have Shinn and Athrun discuss why they couldn't just shoot Rau...or Meyrin and Athrun have a talk on why he hates Rau...just something to make the reason of Rau on the ship much more clear. Also you may want to put more of a highlight on Colonel Meyer’s combat ability, so we get more of an image that Emily has defeated an ace and not just some jerk who kills his subordinates.

I think that capture of Emily could be a little longer. It just seemed like it happened so suddenly and since it is an important part of the plot you may want to make it a tad longer.

Also Stella shouting "It’s not scary!" in every battle gets a little annoying. Changing that line every now and then would be nice. Maybe like, "They are going down!" or "Stella smash!" Something like that.

Oh and I hate myself for mentioning this, but in the chapter The Face of the Enemy when Grey and Emily are fighting for the first time...you wrote in the battle that both Gundams were "struggling for dominance" or something like that. You must have meant mobile suits, because Grey doesn't pilot a Gundam. It just caused me some confusion.

One more little written fluke (I feel like a jerk writing this you know!) but in chapter 26 Rau says this line to Meyrin "Certainly, this is attack is lost," I think you meant it to read, "Certainly, this attack is lost."

One last thing and it isn't necessarily a problem… I just find it kind of weird. In this story and in Destiny you mention that the Aegis is pink, but in the show it was red. To be sure I am not crazy I went and checked maqh and… yes the Aegis is defiantly red. Is this just some kind of funny quip you added in to your series or did you mistakenly write that once and decided to just roll with it? Because if the Aegis is pink then everything Char flew in Mobile Suit Gundam is pink too...

Well, that sums it up. Sorry for being so critical! I really love this story and in my defense you did ask for feedback!


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 Post Posted: Tue Aug 10, 2010 7:04 pm 
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I am totally down with you being all critical. Lord knows I need it. =D

I don't really want to change the name for the same reason Michael Bolton refused to go by Mike in Office Space. It's a compelling argument, I must say. On the other hand, if Emily were normal, she probably would like Twilight, so I guess no one can say she's an author stand-in character.

As for the Aegis, I always think of it as pink because the initial lineart of it and the HG model kit are both unambiguously pink. Either way I guess it doesn't matter, since one of the edits I intend to make is replacing some characters' mobile suits, and the plain old Aegis is getting replaced with the nice crimson Rosso Aegis anyway.


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 Post Posted: Sat Aug 14, 2010 4:08 am 
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aaaaaaaand Phase 05 of "Red Planet"

Agnes is a butthead


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 Post Posted: Fri Aug 27, 2010 8:31 pm 
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hlarghblarghl Phase 48 is up

muuuuuuuuuuuuust fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiish


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 Post Posted: Fri Aug 27, 2010 9:00 pm 
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Uh oh, EPIC GIANT ROBOT BATTLE looming!

You did a particularly good job of capturing the sense of panic reigning around everyone (and our main characters' attempts to remain cool).

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 Post Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 5:20 pm 
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We demand the impending conclusion with appropriate epic mecha-smackdown! :)

You know, I half-thought maybe Athrun would kiss Vivieka in the cockpit, even if oh-so-very-chastely. Oh well, I guess that would've meant a death-flag going up. I hope none is flying in the mast for these two. And Rau really is a bastard. :P

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 Post Posted: Wed Sep 01, 2010 11:32 pm 
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Rau is always a bastard. XD

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 Post Posted: Tue Sep 07, 2010 8:28 pm 
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it is an unwritten rule of the Cosmic Era that Rau must be a bastard at least 80% of the time

anyway Phase 06 of "Red Planet" is up


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