Mobile Suit Gundam SEED TWILIGHT

Your own tale of two mecha.

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ShadowCell
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Mobile Suit Gundam SEED TWILIGHT

Post by ShadowCell » Mon Oct 29, 2007 3:14 am

Oh yeah. New fanfic, new thread. It feels goooood.

Okay. So. This fanfic is a sequel to the fanfic that everyone here is probably malevolently familiar with by now, my rewritten version of Mobile Suit Gundam SEED DESTINY. Here we have the beginnings of the sequel that I kept harping about. Yessirree Bob and other assorted men's names, because writing one gigantic fanfic was not enough for me, I'm going to do it again!

This one is meant to consist of one 12-chapter prequel thing that I haven't even begun to write yet, one 50-chapter story, and another 50-chapter story. Why? Because I hate myself. They're meant to go together--think Zeta and ZZ, although without the bipolar shifts in tone and content. And right now they are, like, hardly anywhere even remotely close to being done, to the point where not even copious amounts of liquor will convince me otherwise (although copious amounts of liquor may have been involved in my decision to undertake this project...oh well).

Anyways, you of the Mecha Talk flock (all thirteen or fourteen of you, I think) got to watch the first fic mutate from its original form into its final evolution like some kind of deranged Pokemon. Now you get to do it again, if you so choose. I'm going out on a limb with a lot of stuff in this fic, and I need y'all to act as the beta readers. Particularly, I'd appreciate it if you'd pay attention to the new protagonist, Emily von Oldendorf, and let me know at the first sign she starts looking like a Mary Sue--because I don't necessarily trust my own abilities to discern if she does. And if she does start turning into a Mary Sue, that's my cue to make with the lead pipe, so I would be quite appreciative if you were to keep your eyes peeled for that.

Here are the first six chapters. Please alert me to any $%@-ups, especially concerning Emily:

Phase 01
Phase 02
Phase 03
Phase 04
Phase 05
Phase 06

As with the last fic, the projected completion date for this fanfic is "when it's done," a date that I will stick to as tenaciously as ever.
Last edited by ShadowCell on Mon Oct 29, 2007 2:18 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by RedShirt0909 » Mon Oct 29, 2007 9:06 am

Seems to be very good so far. Emily surviving for any time against three veterans seems a little... much as a virgin pilot, but that is a Gundam tradition, so that fits. The Charlemagne, at least to me, seems to be ridiculously overpowered. For comparison's sake, are you basing available power off the Archangel being 345 or 420m long, because if it was 420, then that monstrosity has way too many guns. It would end the fight against the Minerva, Archangel, or your Megami in seconds, seeing as how it only takes a few hits from weapons of that scale to destroy a ship. Still, this seems like another great fic in the making. I only hope the one I'm trying to write is this good. Also, check the links - Phase 5 & 6 both direct to phase 1.
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Post by Omnislasher » Mon Oct 29, 2007 2:18 pm

Would you mind defining "Mary Sue", please?
I'd like to think I'm a forgiving person...

...but thought and action are two different things...

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Post by ShadowCell » Mon Oct 29, 2007 2:55 pm

Links fixed. Seeing as how I typed that all up at midnight, I'm amazed I even got four of them right.
RedShirt0909 wrote:The Charlemagne, at least to me, seems to be ridiculously overpowered. For comparison's sake, are you basing available power off the Archangel being 345 or 420m long, because if it was 420, then that monstrosity has way too many guns.
I know I listed its length as 530 meters, but as later chapters will demonstrate, the Charlemagne's supposed to be a class beyond the Archangel and Minerva. It's what you get to do with the resources of the entire Earth Sphere and a massive blank check on military spending. The debut of the Charlemagne in combat is coming up shortly, so that should clarify things.
Omnislasher wrote:Would you mind defining "Mary Sue", please?
Wiki has a fuller explanation, but the key points of a Mary Sue in my experience (both as writer and reader) are as follows (and since the Mary Sue is generally a female, I'll stick with the feminine pronoun):

-Popular and liked by everyone, without having to exert much effort to make herself so
-Melodramatic and angst-ridden past
-Automatically good at what she does, sometimes better than the canon characters, without having to work very hard at it
-Steals the spotlight from the canon characters (I'm not altogether sure how much that would apply here, though, since this fanfic is predicated on a rewritten, non-canon version of DESTINY--and I definitely want to avoid the other extreme on this spectrum, which is what happened in the DESTINY series)
-Stunningly attractive, again, without having to work much at it
-Screws up relationships and such (not necessarily romantic ones) between the canon characters, making them act in ways they probably wouldn't

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Post by RedShirt0909 » Mon Oct 29, 2007 4:44 pm

ShadowCell wrote:Links fixed. Seeing as how I typed that all up at midnight, I'm amazed I even got four of them right.
RedShirt0909 wrote:The Charlemagne, at least to me, seems to be ridiculously overpowered. For comparison's sake, are you basing available power off the Archangel being 345 or 420m long, because if it was 420, then that monstrosity has way too many guns.
I know I listed its length as 530 meters, but as later chapters will demonstrate, the Charlemagne's supposed to be a class beyond the Archangel and Minerva. It's what you get to do with the resources of the entire Earth Sphere and a massive blank check on military spending. The debut of the Charlemagne in combat is coming up shortly, so that should clarify things.
My fault for not being clear on the question. If the Archangel was 420m long as was using all available electrical power for its pair each of Gottfrieds, Lohengrin, and Valiants, then how the heck does a ship a hundred and ten meters longer generate enough power to support five times the armanent? SEED never really explained how its capital ships are powered, so you do have some leeway if you make it nuclear, I suppose. My question really was how would you cram that much firepower and that size air wing into a hull only 100m longer than an Archangel or 180 than a Minerva? The air wing alone, being at least triple what you're saying the Minerva carries would eat up at least half the extra room, and then with only 1/2 the extra space for weapons, that space being 1/3 the size of the Minerva, you have five to six times the firepower. Also, where the heck does the crew sleep? As someone whose spent 20 days on a US Navy Submarine, about 140m long with 150 people on board, let me tell you that the bunking situation on that ship would start a mutiny.
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Post by ShadowCell » Mon Oct 29, 2007 4:50 pm

Obviously I need to draw the Charlemagne.

So I guess that'll answer all that.

I will add that this served as the inspiration for the Charlemagne's design, however. Although I can't remember where I found it.

An even better solution, of course, would be to just beef the thing up by 200 meters. But hey, this is the sorta details that I overlook sometimes and need someone to smack me upside the head and say "hey, dumbass, fix this."

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Post by Thundermuffin » Mon Oct 29, 2007 9:59 pm

Nice. My only nags are the aforementioned Emily surviving all that through pure luck/possible Newtype-y magic.

Shinn makes a nice impression as having greatly matured over three years, I'm no tso sure about the rest, but I'm sure we'll get to spend more time with them and see.

Just how many of Rau's machinations were Athrun and Shinn aware of? Because I'm not so sure they wouldn't shoot him on sight. Athrun, especially knows what Rau did to Kira and then what Kira ended up doing to Cagalli and Lacus.

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Post by ShadowCell » Wed Nov 07, 2007 12:04 am

Phase 07 is up.

Gonna have to get used to this again.

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Post by Thundermuffin » Wed Nov 07, 2007 1:03 am

Question; is the re-directing missiles bit a Newtype thing or just an ability the Destiny has?

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Post by RedShirt0909 » Wed Nov 07, 2007 1:38 am

The storylines are good so far. However, I think Emily is getting overpowered. Surviving with heavy support from Shinn while trying to do nothing but evade is one thing, dogfighting a major ace in his own Gundam is another. She has no training, and no basis for any mobile suit related skills. Kamille was a junior MS pilot. Kira was a computer science nut, and knew his way around the OS. Amuro was a mechanic, so he could try at least. Emily has nothing to go on but pure instinct and her SEED/Newtype powers. Its a Gundam tradition, but I think there are limits. Considering her lack of training, not to mention her open fear and lack of desire to fight, I think she'd be toast in Phase 07.
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Post by ShadowCell » Wed Nov 07, 2007 2:31 am

Thundermuffin wrote:Question; is the re-directing missiles bit a Newtype thing or just an ability the Destiny has?
A Newtype thing the Destiny has.

=D

I don't remember how clear I made this in the DESTINY rewrite, but among the Destiny's many new gizmos is a variant of the DRAGOON system that works sort of like a Cosmic Era psycoframe, allowing the pilot to manipulate the mobile suit mentally as though it were a bunch of DRAGOON units, in addition to the traditional method in the cockpit. Part of that includes an amplifier that lets a pilot with sufficient power take control of weapons like missiles, or--as Rey discovered the hard way--another mobile suit's DRAGOONs. The next couple chapters feature, among other things, Shinn playing with cruise missiles, so that should clear it up.
RedShirt0909 wrote:The storylines are good so far. However, I think Emily is getting overpowered. Surviving with heavy support from Shinn while trying to do nothing but evade is one thing, dogfighting a major ace in his own Gundam is another. She has no training, and no basis for any mobile suit related skills. Kamille was a junior MS pilot. Kira was a computer science nut, and knew his way around the OS. Amuro was a mechanic, so he could try at least. Emily has nothing to go on but pure instinct and her SEED/Newtype powers. Its a Gundam tradition, but I think there are limits. Considering her lack of training, not to mention her open fear and lack of desire to fight, I think she'd be toast in Phase 07.
There's another explanation for Emily's managing to not die so far, but providing it would spoil some hugely major plot points down the road. However, I see what you mean, so I'll try to tone down her performance either in the future (she is supposed to be getting better, anyway) or when I go back in the editing phase. Either way, this whole thing is sort of a long, agonizing process of beta reading.

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Post by RedShirt0909 » Wed Nov 07, 2007 2:49 am

ShadowCell wrote:
There's another explanation for Emily's managing to not die so far, but providing it would spoil some hugely major plot points down the road. However, I see what you mean, so I'll try to tone down her performance either in the future (she is supposed to be getting better, anyway) or when I go back in the editing phase. Either way, this whole thing is sort of a long, agonizing process of beta reading.
Now you've got me all curious. If there is a good explanation, I won't bring it up again. She is getting better, but without that ace in the hole you've mentioned, it wouldn't be enough. Please keep this coming then. I greatly enjoyed your Destiny rewrite, and this is panning out to be just as good. Looking forward to seeing exactly how Emily's got the touch.
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Post by ShadowCell » Wed Nov 07, 2007 9:51 am

Those plot seeds will be sown in coming chapters, but they won't really bear fruit until, like, the last half of "SEED ETERNITY." It's a major part of Emily's character, which I have yet to fully establish and will take a long time in revealing itself. But I guess that would be why Emily seems to actually have a guardian angel--so when editing time comes around, I'll need to make her look a bit more hapless.

And it's an explanation, but I guess we'll just have to wait and see if it's a good one.

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Post by ShadowCell » Fri Nov 09, 2007 4:42 am

Phase 08 is up.

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Post by Ragormha » Fri Nov 09, 2007 6:29 am

I think this is good, I'm not sure if I like your narrative style and I do argue about the practicality of the Charlemagne and its weapons.

For instance, why have a triple-barrelled Gottfried?

But aside from that is is a highly refined and enjoyable work, where may I obtain the prequels so this makes a little more sense?

Secondly, I must ask, where do you get inspiration? TV, Books, everyday life?
"I don't CARE if the mechanaught can't handle it, I want Wings of Light, the few seconds it'd last and the pilot mortality would be worth it." -me, eXteel closed beta.

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Post by ShadowCell » Fri Nov 09, 2007 1:21 pm

Ragormha wrote:But aside from that is is a highly refined and enjoyable work, where may I obtain the prequels so this makes a little more sense?

Secondly, I must ask, where do you get inspiration? TV, Books, everyday life?
The prequels are on the same website.

As for where I get my inspiration, God only knows. It comes from all over the place and I couldn't possibly pin it down to one source.

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Post by ShadowCell » Sat Nov 10, 2007 8:18 pm

Phase 09 is up. This is abnormally high output for me.

Next one has character development, I promise.

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Post by Thundermuffin » Sat Nov 10, 2007 11:42 pm

I'm glad Shoyou died; he was a butthead.

And cool that you've addressed Emily's lack of experience now by having Shinn rigorously run her through simulations on her off-time.

One possible error though; I might have missed it, but Destiny utilizes his solid shield at one point in this latest chapter, but in previous chapter Shinn pulled off his "throw shield ricochet" move. I don't recall it ever mentioning that Shinn recovered the solid shield after that. Minor nitpick though.

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Post by ShadowCell » Sun Nov 11, 2007 12:23 am

Thundermuffin wrote:I'm glad Shoyou died; he was a butthead.
He was! I'm glad he died too. Not one of my better antagonists. Maybe I should do something about that. Hm.
One possible error though; I might have missed it, but Destiny utilizes his solid shield at one point in this latest chapter, but in previous chapter Shinn pulled off his "throw shield ricochet" move. I don't recall it ever mentioning that Shinn recovered the solid shield after that. Minor nitpick though.
...oh, right, well, I should do something about that then. Guess this is what happens when you split battles up over two chapters.

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Post by ShadowCell » Wed Nov 14, 2007 11:31 pm

Phase 10 is up.

It has character development! I promise!

It also has Cyrillic, and I guess it'll be fun to see how many people won't be able to see it.

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