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 Post Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 12:14 pm 
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Elitist Earth Politician
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Location: Wh-what the HELLLLL???
Ascension wrote:
Thundermuffin wrote:
MIKAELA:
Do you guys have religion? A deity?

OPTIMUS:
There is only…the UTENSIL. But Ratchet over there is a devout follower of Furmanism.

RATCHET:
(Indignantly)
Hey, the almighty Furman honors us with the written word. CAN I DO LESS??


The laughter... IT NEVER ENDS!


Except when it's OVER- FINISHED!

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 Post Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 2:22 pm 
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HE IS NOT A CHAR!
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Thundermuffin wrote:
Ascension wrote:
Thundermuffin wrote:
MIKAELA:
Do you guys have religion? A deity?

OPTIMUS:
There is only…the UTENSIL. But Ratchet over there is a devout follower of Furmanism.

RATCHET:
(Indignantly)
Hey, the almighty Furman honors us with the written word. CAN I DO LESS??


The laughter... IT NEVER ENDS!


Except when it's OVER- FINISHED!


I suppose the laughter never DID want to live forever!

If we keep doing this eventually we're going to REAP THE WHIRLWIND!

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Nadesico: Akito x Ryoko
G Gundam: Domon x Allenby
SEED: Athrun x Lacus, Kira x Fllay
Macross Frontier: Alto x Ranka, Mikhail x Klan


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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 10:51 pm 
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Elitist Earth Politician
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Joined: Sun Jun 18, 2006 12:16 pm
Posts: 673
Location: Wh-what the HELLLLL???
Ascension wrote:
Thundermuffin wrote:
Ascension wrote:
Thundermuffin wrote:
MIKAELA:
Do you guys have religion? A deity?

OPTIMUS:
There is only…the UTENSIL. But Ratchet over there is a devout follower of Furmanism.

RATCHET:
(Indignantly)
Hey, the almighty Furman honors us with the written word. CAN I DO LESS??


The laughter... IT NEVER ENDS!


Except when it's OVER- FINISHED!


I suppose the laughter never DID want to live forever!

If we keep doing this eventually we're going to REAP THE WHIRLWIND!


Hey, better to stand and fight than live with the knowledge that we ran!

AHHHHH! VAST PREDATORY BIRD!

Okay, we'll stop. :lol:

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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 5:48 am 
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OMG Doomsday Laser
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The funniest line to me was:

Thundermuffin wrote:
FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
Yeah, now go before people start questioning why a dog and a severed, walking alien robot head speaking two completely different languages can converse fluently.


That is a classic indeed, and brining the MIB in was a totally awesome corssover! Keep up the great work.

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 Post Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 1:32 am 
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Location: Wh-what the HELLLLL???
(Other agents emerge from their cars, looking professional- springing to appointed tasks with machine-like precision as befitting agents of a top-secret government agency. John Turturro, however, acts like he’s in a Disney movie. He sidles up to the Witwicky’s front door and rings the bell, all the while making rubbery and humorous facial expressions. The door opens and Ron Witwicky answers.)

RON:
Yes? Can I help you?

JOHN TURTURRO:
Are you Ronald Wacksmelly?

RON:
That’s Witwicky. This gag isn’t funny anymore.

JOHN TURTURRO:
(Not paying attention, makes a funny face)
I’m from the government. I request access to your premises, Mr. Wetwillie.

RON:
Why?

JOHN TURTURRO:
The government doesn’t have to explain itself, Mr. WilmaFlintstone. Let us in or we’ll nail you for tax evasion.

RON:
(Infuriated)
I don’t evade my taxes! I meet them head-on and throttle them into submission!

JOHN TURTURRO:
So, you don’t want anyone thinking you are a wuss, do you?

RON:
Hell no!

JOHN TURTURRO:
(Makes another funny face)
Soooooo?

RON:
(Stands aside)
Come the ZOINKS in!

JOHN TURTURRO:
(Smiles)
I knew you’d see things my way.

(Turturro enters the house, and moments later is in the living room with Ron and Judy.)

RON:
So, uh…what are you guys wanting here?

TURTURRO:
(Bewildered)
What? Aren’t ya even gonna ask me if I want some coffee or something??

JUDY:
(Smiles)
Do you want some coffee, Mr. Government Man?

TURTURRO:
(Disgusted)
No, of course not, you filthy rat-whore. Why would you even ask?

RON:
(Confused)
But you said-

(Turturro whirls and flashes a badge in Ron’s face.)

TURTURRO:
GOVERNMENT!

(At that moment, Sam and Mikaela come down the stairs, looking in confusion at the scene unfolding in the living room.)

SAM:
Dad, who is this guy? And why are there men all around the house?

(Turturro sees Sam and his eyes get comically wide.)

TURTURRO:
Ah, the boy! You ARE here. Agents, secure the premises.

(More suited men swarm into the house and begin looking everywhere, in different rooms, just totally scattering around the house.)

RON:
Oh, for God’s sake! What is this??

TURTURRO:
Give it the full thrice-over, turn everything upside-down.

SAM:
What’s going on??

(Turturro gets right in Sam’s face.)

TURTURRO:
What IS going on, son? What is going on?

SAM:
With what?

TURTURRO:
(Eyes bulge out)
So there IS a WHAT!

MIKAELA:
Dude, you’d better lay off the medication…or…take more of it, maybe.

JUDY:
(Watching the agents run about)
What are you doing?? You are making a mess of my house!

RANDOM AGENT:
Yeah, like that’s hard. This place is a sty, lady.

ANOTHER RANDOM AGENT:
Would it kill ya to dust under the coffee table once in the proverbial while?

(Another agent comes out of the kitchen, eating something from a pan partially-covered with tin foil.)

RANDOM AGENT # 3:
And this casserole is a culinary abortion! What do you put in these, lady? Toenails and farts?

RON:
(Chuckles)
He’s got your number there, hon.

JUDY:
(Turns to Ron)
Well, they’re tearing up your front yard.

RON:
WHAT???

(Ron runs over to a window and sees agents tearing up random tuffs of grass and dirt.)

RON:
(Horrified)
NO! They’re violating my supple lawn! Defiling and sullying her green purity with their sterile skin-tight gloves!

(Mikaela raises an eyebrow and looks to Sam. Sam sighs and looks embarrassed.)

SAM:
Yeah, sometimes it sucks having a dad who is sexually obsessed with his lawn.

(Ron runs into another room and comes back with a rake, then runs outside and tries to rake the agents tearing up his lawn. They restrain him.)

RON:
(Screaming)
Get off her! Get the hell off her!

(Turturro makes a wavey hand signal which all the agents seem to pick up on, and they start wrapping it up, handcuffing Judy and leading the kids outside.)

TURTURRO:
(Yelling instructions while making a funny face)
The parents get locked down. Or up. Whichever one is the bad one. And the kids are coming with me.

BUMBLEBEE’S RADIO:
(Plays the song “Oh, not EVEN, guy from Mr. Deeds!”)

(Bumblebee pulls out from his spot on the street and drives straight up to Turturro. The other agents scatter in confusion as Bumblebee skids next to him, pops a door open and ejects a seatbelt, which snares Turturro and yanks him inside the car.)

TURTURRO:
(Comically panicked)
Ah! Stop this crazy thing!

(Bumblebee proceeds to do donuts in the middle of the street, as the agents all make room and watch. Finally, Bumblebee transforms to robot mode, with no sign of John Turturro.)

RANDOM AGENT:
(Levels a gun)
Let him go, right now, alien!

(Bumblebee shrugs and squats, and then a panel on his butt opens and he “craps” Turturro out. Turturro is now covered in Bumblebee‘s internal fluids, mostly motor oil and gasoline.)

TURTURRO:
(Wipes some gunk off)
Eugghh! I think that thing just raped my childhood! Take it down!

(The agents all surround Bumblebee and toss a LARGE MESH NET over him, rendering him helpless somehow. More agents bring out backpacks attached to guns that shoot Freon gases to freeze Bumblebee. Sam and Mikaela look on in horror.)

SAM:
STOP! Leave him alone! HESNOTGONNAHURTCHOO!

(Sam drops his backpack and charges at the agents, tackling one to the ground. All the while, VAGUELY-PATRIOTIC MUSIC starts playing in the background, because there’s nothing more American than fighting to keep a giant alien robot from being slowly frozen. Sadly, Sam gets taken down and he and Mikaela are slowly prodded into a waiting SUV.)

MIKAELA:
(Looking around wildly, yelling)
OPTIMUS! OPTIMUS, help us!

SAM:
(Shakes his head in despair)
It’s not good, we can’t tell where they are! They’re all in DISGUISE. Optimus could be ANY one of the giant tricked-out trucks with a custom flame paint job parked on this street!

TURTURRO:
That’s right, junior. Abandon hope. Those aliens that don’t really exist aren’t coming to help you now.

(Finally, the kids are packed up, and the entire convoy, dragging a frozen and netted Bumblebee behind them, drives off. Seconds pass, then the remaining Autobots pull out from their hiding spots to confer.)

JAZZ:
Dude, why’d we let them take Bumblebee?

IRONHIDE:
Cuz’ he’s worthless. Duh.

RATCHET:
Yeah, can’t argue with that logic.

(Optimus transforms to robot mode and picks up Sam’s backpack carefully. He extracts the glasses from it, and transforms back to truck mode.)

OPTIMUS:
Alright, Autobots. We have what we need. We’ll rescue Bumblebee later, if there’s time. Now…let’s go to the Griffith Observatory for no readily apparent reason!

(Meanwhile at the Pentagon or NSA or somewhere, Jon Voight greets the newly-arrived TOM BANACHEK. Tom is NOT related to the Decepticons’ HOLOGRAM MUSTACHE MEN. Nope. He just coincidently looks like one.)

JON VOIGHT:
Jon Voight is glad to see you! Who are you?

TOM BANACHEK:
(Shakes Voight’s hand)
Tom Banachek, sir, here to advance the plot.

VOIGHT:
Well, why didn’t you say so?? Come, sit down with Jon Voight!

(Tom and Voight sit down at a table. Tom puts a briefcase down and prepares to open it.)

TOM:
Now, sir, I’m about to show you something that will shatter the glass of your perceptions and blow the lid off the can of your beliefs. So I need to know before I proceed that you can handle it.

VOIGHT:
Jon Voight fathered Angelina Jolle. Jon Voight can handle anything.

TOM:
Fair enough.

(Tom pops open his briefcase to reveal a smaller briefcase, then pulls that one out and opens it to reveal a small bell. He picks the bell up and rings it. A moment later, a suited man walks into the room and hands Tom a cell phone. Tom dials a number on it as Voight watches astutely.)

TOM:
(On phone)
Hello? Yes. How soon? That’ll be lovely. Thank you.

(Tom folds the cell phone back up and hands it back to the suited man who just entered the room. The man sticks the cell phone and the bell back into the small briefcase, closes it, sticks the small briefcase back in the larger briefcase, then closes the larger briefcase. Then he pulls a revolver out from his shirt.)

SUITED MAN:
Gentlemen, please cover your ears.

(Voight and Banachek do so and the suited man empties his revolver into the briefcase, riddling it with holes. He drops a spent clip and pulls another one out, reloads and empties that clip into the briefcase as well. Finally, he puts the gun back in his shirt, picks up the remains of the tattered briefcase and nods at Banachek and Voight.)

SUITED MAN:
Thanks for your patience, gentlemen.

(The suited man takes the shredded briefcase out of the room and Voight gives Banachek a dubious glance.)

VOIGHT:
Jon Voight thinks that all seemed unnecessarily complicated.

TOM:
Sorry, sir, but security must be maintained. I just called a helicopter to pick us up and take us to Hoover Dam.

VOIGHT:
Well then, Jon Voight’s new advisers will accompany Jon Voight.

(Voight press a button on the table and “buzzes” Maggie Madsen and Anthony Anderson in. They enter the room and Voight stands to introduce them to Tom.)

VOIGHT:
(Motioning to Maggie)
Outback Steakhouse here is the one who cracked the alien code. And her pal there…helps…maybe.

ANTHONY:
(Nods indignantly)
I helped! Yeah!

MAGGIE:
So, uh, wheah we going?

TOM:
Hoover Dam.

MAGGIE:
Why?

TOM:
Stuff.

MAGGIE:
Okay.

(Somewhere else, at a US Air Force base, Lennox and Epps have recently arrived back in the States, and are currently walking away from an ambulance.)

EPPS:
Man…sucked how Fig died off-screen just then.

LENNOX:
Yeah. We’ll miss his quirky anecdotes. That he said in Spanish and we couldn’t understand.

EPPS:
Yeah.

(A jeep pulls up alongside them, a RANDOM PERSON talks to them.)

RANDOM PERSON:
Captain Lennox? I have orders to bring you and your remaining men to Hoover Dam in a helicopter.

LENNOX:
(Confused)
For what?

RANDOM PERSON:
Dunno. Something to do about fighting robots.

(Lennox and Epps give each other a look. Epps looks back to the random dude.)

EPPS:
(Shouts)
BRING US!

(An indeterminate amount of time later, at GRIFFITH OBSERVATORY, the Autobots lounge around in robot mode on the roof. Optimus Prime is examining the glasses.)

RATCHET:
Well, Prime?

OPTIMUS:
This code does indeed reveal the location of the Allspork. We must go to it at once…and destroy it.

IRONHIDE:
Gotcha…wait, WHAT? We’re destroying it now?

OPTIMUS:
Yes. I just spontaneously decided it. We cannot allow it to fall into Decepticon hands. With its immeasurable power, they could destroy us utterly.

JAZZ:
Uh, Optimus m’man…suggestion? Why don’t WE just use the power to destroy THEM?

OPTIMUS:
No, Jazz. It is too risky. I don’t want harm to come to this planet.

IRONHIDE:
Since when? We should leave the fleshlings to their fate- they are violent, barbaric beas- A BIRD!

(Ironhide whips his cannon up and shoots a passing bird. It explodes in a shower of feathers. Ironhide turns back to Prime.)

IRONHIDE:
Like I said, the humans are violent animals, capable of countless forms of depravity and barbarism.

RATCHET:
He makes a point, Prime.

OPTIMUS:
(Nods)
It is true. Atrocities are committed on this planet every day. Saved By The Bell fan fiction is written, Firefly gets canceled, and Pat Lee is allowed to continue drawing things.

JAZZ:
(Pipes up)
And then there’s Fall Out Boy…

OPTIMUS:
(Optics narrow)
AND THEN there’s FALL OUT BOY.

RATCHET:
So why-?

OPTIMUS:
These humans deserve another chance, no matter their mistakes. Besides, global warming will render this planet uninhabitable in a matter of decades anyway.

IRONHIDE:
(Grimaces)
That hasn’t been proven.

OPTIMUS:
Whatever. To quote myself and at the same time, slavishly cater to aging fanboys…“Freedom is the right of ALL sentient beings.”

JAZZ:
(Nods)
I’m with you, Prime.

(Optimus smiles and looks to Ratchet, who also nods his affirmation.)

RATCHET:
(Recites)
“Better to fight and die than live with the knowledge that we ran.”- Furman 67:19.

(Optimus turns at last to Ironhide, who is looking away with his arms folded.)

OPTIMUS:
And you, old friend? What say you?

IRONHIDE:
(Sighs and turns)
What the hey. I’ve stood by you through worse. Like that time we fought the quiche people from the Quiche Planet. Primus, that was a nightmare.

JAZZ:
(Smiles)
A DELICIOUS nightmare.

OPTIMUS:
But a nightmare nonetheless. Thank you, my Autobots. We go now…to meet our destiny!

(Optimus and the others prepare to make their journey to the Allspork’s location. Meanwhile, at Hoover Dam, various helicopters have arrived and the various survivors of Transformer encounters disembark and gather. Sam and Mikaela, John Turturro, Jon Voight and his assistants Maggie and Anthony Anderson, Tom Banachek, and the remainder of Lennox’s unit, which amounts to Epps, Fat Tattooed Nameless Guy, and just regular nameless guys. Voight walks up to Tom Banachek and John Turturro, who are preparing to lead the mob.)

VOIGHT:
Jon Voight DEMANDS to know what the balls is going on here!

TOM:
Sir, if you’ll just calm down and follow me, I can answer all of everyone’s questions.

TURTURRO:
(Makes a funny face)
You guys are about see just how funny this whole situation is!

LENNOX:
I don’t find much of this situation to be funny. Unless you mean “ironic” funny, and not “ha-ha” funny. Then I might be down.

EPPS:
Word.

TURTURRO:
I can assure I meant “ironic” funny.

(Sam walks up and grabs Turturro by the shirt.)

SAM:
Where’s my car, you off-putting jackass?

TURTURRO:
(Eyes bug out with amusement)
Well, well, Mr. Witzoney. They’ve finally dropped, have they? Don’t fret. We’re merely probing your car with probes at the moment. It IS the second live alien robot we’ve retrieved intact.

MAGGIE:
The second?

TOM:
(Motions to a stairwell)
Please, all of you. Follow me.

(As the group walks inside Hoover Dam, Mikaela’s cell phone leaps out from her purse and transforms into the head of FRENZY. He skitters down the side of the dam, and into a drainage pipe to enter the facility. Meanwhile, Tom leads the whole mob down into a massive hangar, where MEGATRON, leader of the Decepticons stands inert and frozen as many people monitor him.)

TURTURRO:
This is N.B.E.-1. The first robot we uncovered.

SAM:
Uncovered by my great-grandfather, right?

TURTURRO:
(Rolls his eyes)
Well, yeah, but that was really more of an accident. Sure he may have found it, but we were the ones who had the idea to call it “N.B.E.-1”.

MIKAELA:
His name is actually Megatron.

TURTURRO:
(Funny face)
What? That’s silly. You're silly.

SAM:
It’s true- the Autobots, the good guy robots, call him Megatron. He’s leader of the Decepticons. The two factions have been at war over millions of years because of something called the “Allspork”.

MAGGIE:
(Smirks)
Sounds like the plot to some Sata-day morning cartoon show.

(Tom and Turturro give each other a look.)

TOM:
(To Sam)
This Allspork…would it happen to be a giant alien rune-covered spork?

MIKAELA:
(Nods slowly)
Yeeeeah, and….?

TOM:
(Shuffles uncomfortably)
Well, we…might have that here too.

VOIGHT:
(Getting flustered)
First a giant frozen alien ro-but, and now you tell Jon Voight you have a giant alien eating utensil that is the cause of a civil war between other giant ro-buts???

TOM:
We’re sorry, sir, but this thing is incredible! Its mysterious power had to be concealed- a power that I guess I have to reveal to you people…

SAM:
(Rolls his eyes)
We know what it does; allows the wielder to eat any soup or salad of their choosing.

ANTHONY ANDERSON:
(Excited)
Wow, that’s awesome!

TOM:
(Nods)
And it also grants life to inanimate machines.

SAM:
Right, grants life to…wait, HUH?

MIKAELA:
Optimus didn’t mention THAT to us…

TOM:
Follow me.

(Tom leads them to another hangar, where we see the massive ALLSPORK utensil, easily the size of a skyscraper. Everyone gapes at it in awe.)

EPPS:
So…maybe Mega-jerk’s Deceive-icons-

SAM:
(Admonishing)
DeCEPTicons.

EPPS:
Whatever, Decepticons, want to use this thing to bring our machines to life to make an army?

TOM:
That would seem to be the popular piece of baseless speculation.

SAM:
You need to bring my car in here. He’ll know what to do. Maybe.

(Meanwhile, down on the hangar floor, Frenzy emerges from a nearby grate and looks upon the Allspork. A bolt of energy randomly leaps off of it and strikes him, regenerating his full body.)

FRENZY:
(Excited subtitled shriek)
Aw, random! Now to call in the cavalry.

(Frenzy emits a garbled transmission that reaches across the United States and is received by the remaining Decepticons. They all respond in their native tongue.)

STARSCREAM:
(Subtitled)
Starscream here. Decepticons! Super-action roll call, GO!

BARRICADE:
(Subtitled)
This is Barricade. Headed to you.

BONECRUSHER:
(Subtitled)
Confirmed, Bonecrusher rolling.

DEVASTATOR…I mean BRAWL…I mean DEVASTATOR:
This is Devastator…I mean Brawl…I mean Devastator. Whatever my name is, I’ma coming!

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled)
Save a piece of the action for…Blackout! Huh, what an odd thing for me to say aloud.

(Frenzy cuts off the transmission and heads towards the Megatron hangar.)

FRENZY:
(Subtitled shriek)
And now we play…the waiting game.

(Meanwhile, Bumblebee has been brought into the Allspork hangar. Sam runs up to greet him.)

SAM:
Hey, buddy! Did they hurt ya?

BUMBLEBEE’S RADIO:
(Plays the song “Nah, They Just Probed And Violated Every Inch Of Me. But I’m Good Now.”)

SAM:
Bumblebee, we need to get the Allspork out of here. Can you think of a way?

ANTHONY ANDERSON
He’s gotta have some kinda robot magic to pull out of what passes for his ass…

TURTURRO:
He doesn’t. I’ve been up in there.

(Bumblebee walks up and under the Allspork.)

BUMBLEBEE’S RADIO:
(Plays the song “Stand Aside, Ye Of Little Faith”.)

VOIGHT:
Jon Voight believes the ro-but’s gonna do something.

(Bumblebee stands under the Allspork and reaches out to it. It immediately begins to shrink and condense, much to the astonishment of everyone watching. MICHAEL BAY walks up next to Mikaela, munching on some popcorn.)

MIKAELA:
(Eyes still on the diminishing Allspork)
I thought you said no mass-shifting in this movie.

MICHAEL BAY:
Well, mass-shifting for giant robots is unrealistic and silly. Mass-shifting for a giant spork-shaped alien artifact? Not so much.

(Finally, the Allspork is the size of a human rowboat paddle. Bumblebee hands it to Sam. A random dude comes running up to Tom Banachek.)

RANDOM DUDE:
Sir! N.B.E.-1 is thawing-out!

TOM:
WHAT?

LENNOX:
(Motioning to the Allspork in Sam’s hands)
We need to get that thing away from here, now. We’ll make a stand in Mission City!

EPPS:
(To Lennox)
What?? Dude, didn’t I already say before that using a heavily-populated civilian area as a combat zone was not-

LENNOX:
Not now, Epps! Rules mean nothing when compared with the potential for a dramatic fight scene!

VOIGHT:
He’s right! All of you, go! Jon Voight and Jon Voight’s advisers will remain here and call in the Air Force!

(Bumblebee transforms to car mode and Sam and Mikaela get in. Lennox’s team get on other nearby vehicles and prepare to move out. Turturro leads Voight’s group deeper into the base. And in the Megatron hangar, the Decepticon leader slowly comes back online. Many humans try in vain to re-freeze him, but it is a futile effort.)

RANDOM DUDE:
Keep at it! We can’t let this thing reawaken! Get more men down here!

(Megatron breaks free of his restraints and the ice and looks down at Random Dude.)

MEGATRON:
(Deadpan)
Human, your men are already dead…

To…be…CONCLUDIFIED!!!

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 Post Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 9:55 am 
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Sweet! Good as always, in ways I will not spare time to describe.

(And did I grab first reply?)

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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 4:05 am 
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Solid as usual. :D Maintaining this level of funny has to be tiresome. :wink:

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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 12:13 pm 
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Location: Wh-what the HELLLLL???
Antares wrote:
Maintaining this level of funny has to be tiresome. :wink:


Oh it is, it is!

The hardest part is filling in the spaces between the main jokes I write in my outlines. Sometimes I get really funny conversations for filler...and sometimes I wonder what the hell I was thinking.

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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 2:14 pm 
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Thundermuffin wrote:
OPTIMUS:
(Nods)
It is true. Atrocities are committed on this planet every day. Saved By The Bell fan fiction is written, Firefly gets canceled, and Pat Lee is allowed to continue drawing things.

JAZZ:
(Pipes up)
And then there’s Fall Out Boy…

OPTIMUS:
(Optics narrow)
AND THEN there’s FALL OUT BOY.


Fall Out Boy: That which kills more people in the movie than Megatron.

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 Post Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 2:00 am 
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Elitist Earth Politician
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Location: Wh-what the HELLLLL???
(Minutes later, Bumblebee is leading a convoy of military vehicles out of Hoover Dam. Inside him, Sam and Mikaela look into the backseat, where the Allspork is snugly belted-in.)

SAM:
(Shakes his head)
I still don’t believe it! That thing can grant life to inanimate machines?

MIKAELA:
It is unassuming, isn’t it? We’ve just got to hide it in Mission City where Megatron won’t think to look!

SAM:
Yeah, if we hide it, eventually Megatron will get tired of looking and give up and go home, right Bumblebee?

BUMBLEBEE’S RADIO:
(Plays the song “Er, Yeah…Whatever Helps You Sleep At Night, Sam”.)

MIKAELA:
(Looks ahead)
Look! Optimus and the others are ahead!

(We see the other Autobots headed on the opposite side of the road towards the convoy. As they pass, Optimus and the others power-slide and quickly join it.)

OPTIMUS:
Ooooooh, we got a great big convoy…

(Meanwhile, Megatron streaks out of Hoover Dam in jet mode, transforms to robot mode to land and take stock of his surroundings. STARSCREAM transforms to robot mode and lands nearby, then opens what passes for his mouth to emit CHARACTERIZATION.)

STARSCREAM:
Hi, Megatron.

MEGATRON:
‘Sup, Starscream. NOW LET’S GO GET US THAT MACGUFFIN!

STARSCREAM:
Okay.

(The two transform back to jet modes and take off in the direction of Mission City. Meanwhile up ahead, the Autobot/human convoy has hit the interstate highway. Unfortunately, BARRICADE and BONECRUSHER follow close behind, barreling through civilian vehicles. Optimus Prime transforms to robot mode, skids along the pavement and turns to face the two oncoming Decepticons.)

BONECRUSHER:
(Subtitled shriek)
How we handling this?

BARRICADE:
(Subtitled shriek)
You go fight the largest and most powerful Autobot alone, Bonecrusher. I’ll leave and never come back.

BONECRUSHER:
(Subtitled shriek)
Cool.

(Barricade leaves and never comes back. Bonecrusher transforms to robot mode and lunges at Prime.)

BONECRUSHER:
(Best line in the movie)
URRRRRAAAUGGGGH!!!

(Bonecrusher crash-tackles Prime off a highway bridge. The two crash to the ground below and square off.)

BONECRUSHER:
(Subtitled shriek)
Optimus Prime, you shall die now by my-

OPTIMUS:
(Motions with his hand)
Look over there.

BONECRUSHER:
(Looks around)
Hu-?

(Optimus deploys a large sword from his wrist and swiftly decapitates Bonecrusher. Bonecrusher’s head clatters to the ground.)

BONECRUSHER:
(Subtitled squeak)
Ass.

(Prime retracts his sword and steps over Bonecrusher’s body. Meanwhile, the Autobot/human convoy has reached Mission City. Instead of warning innocent civilians that SERIOUS ZOINKS IS ABOUT TO GO DOWN, everyone kind of loafs around a bit. Lennox and Epps confer.)

LENNOX:
The Air Force has been advised to use sabot rounds now.

EPPS:
See, I don’t get it. These things travel through space, right? And they go through planet-fall into Earth’s atmosphere by themselves with no apparent heat-shielding, yeah? And yet super-hot missiles and bullets hurt them? What the hell?

LENNOX:
(Nods)
It profoundly makes the no-sense, but whaddaya gonna do? I say roll with it.

(Over by Bumblebee and Jazz‘s vehicle modes, Sam and Mikaela nervously wait around.)

SAM:
(To Jazz)
Yeah, so the Allspork grants life to inanimate machines too, huh?

JAZZ:
That’s right, my lad from another dad.

MIKAELA:
(Arches an eyebrow)
Seems like something worth mentioning before…

JAZZ:
Sorry, my sister from another mister.

MIKAELA:
(Irritated sigh)
Shut up.

JAZZ:
(Quietly)
Skanky-ass ho.

MIKAELA:
What?

JAZZ:
Nothin’.

SAM:
She’s right though; how come you didn’t mention-

(Ratchet rolls up and nearly knocks Sam over)

RATCHET:
(Adamantly)
SOUP AND SALAD, Sam. SOUP AND SALAD.

SAM:
Ow, alright, alright! Geez!

(Suddenly, Starscream blazes overhead in jet mode, firing missiles into their midst. Everyone is thrown around and everything goes into SLOW-MOTION to show how IN SHOCK everyone is. Sam and Mikaela slowly struggle to their feet to see that Bumblebee has taken the brunt of the blast and is missing his legs.)

SAM:
Bumblebee?? You alright?

BUMBLEBEE’S RADIO:
(Plays the song “Do I LOOK Alright, Dumbass?”)

SAM:
Right, right. We gotta get you outta here.

(Bumblebee shakes his head painfully and pulls the Allspork out, offering it to Sam. Sam quickly backpedals and holds his hands out.)

SAM:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. I can’t take that!

MIKAELA:
We’ve got no choice, apparently. You’ve got to take it and keep it safe.

SAM:
But-!

(Bumblebee shakes the Allspork insistently and jabs Sam with it.)

BUMBLEBEE’S RADIO:
(Plays the song “Take The ZOINKING Spork, Sam, Or I WILL Rape You.”)

SAM:
Okay, okay! Geez.

(Sam takes the Allspork and prepares to run away, but Mikaela grabs his arm.)

MIKAELA:
Sam, wait!

SAM:
(Turns back)
What?

MIKAELA:
I just wanted you to know…

SAM:
(Hopefully)
Yeah?

MIKAELA:
Your shirt sleeve’s on fire.

(Sam looks at his sleeve, which is ON FIRE. He yelps and quickly tries to put it out. He succeeds and nods at Mikaela.)

SAM:
Thanks. Well then.

(Sam runs in the opposite direction. Meanwhile, Devastator…I mean, Brawl, I mean Brawlastator, appears at the end of the street in tank mode. Jazz, Ironhide, and Ratchet quickly move to attack him.)

BRAWLASTATOR:
(Sighs)
You know what? I’m Candace. My name is Candace now.

IRONHIDE:
Idiot, Hasbro can’t trademark that.

CANDACE:
Aaron Archer doesn’t own me! Die!

(Everyone totally fights Candawlastator until HE DIES. The fight is HIGH-OCTANE, ARM-THUMPING BRILLIANCE. It TOTALLY ABSOLVES Michael Bay of any and all perceived sins attributed to him by LONELY FANBOYS. Meanwhile, at Hoover Dam, John Turturro, Jon Voight, Maggie, and Anthony Anderson huddle in fear in a room as FRENZY tries to get through the door. Jon Voight hefts a shotgun and pumps it.)

JON VOIGHT:
Enough’s enough. No scrawny alien ro-but’s gonna get the drop on Jon Voight!

ANTHONY ANDERSON:
(Panicked)
Look out! A government official wielding a loaded shotgun!

MAGGIE:
(Mutters)
Too easy.

JOHN TURTURRO:
(To Maggie, makes a funny face)
Are you a criminal? Criminals are HOT!

MAGGIE:
(Rolls her eyes)
Augh.

FRENZY:
(From outside)
C’mon, fleshies. Let me in. I just want to kill you and wear your skin as clothes.

JON VOIGHT:
If Jon Voight had a nickel for every time Jon Voight heard THAT…

(Meanwhile back at the city battle, Lennox and Epps confer.)

EPPS:
Man, this is a dire-ass situation.

LENNOX:
It’s about to get worse- look!

(BLACKOUT lands on a nearby building in robot mode.)

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled shriek)
I dunno WHAT you meat-bags did to Scorponok, but he’s huddled in his room and refuses to come out!

LENNOX:
Crud. Our only hope is to help that Sam kid get the Allspork away from this area.

EPPS:
Yeah, keep it outta bad guy hands, right?

LENNOX:
Well, yeah, but the kid makes a good distraction too. They can’t shoot at us if they’re shooting at him. And we’ll shoot them while they’re not shooting at us because they’re shooting at him.

EPPS:
That plan is seriously-

LENNOX:
(Interrupts)
We’re doing it. I have decided thusforth.

EPPS:
Is “thusforth” a word?

LENNOX:
It is…because I have made it so. Now move!

(Suddenly, MEGATRON arrives on the scene. He swoops over the Autobots and snatches Jazz up, pulling him into the air. They land on a tall building and Megatron grasps Jazz by an arm and a leg. Jazz futilely fires on the larger Megatron with his free hand.)

JAZZ:
Don’t be illin’ on me, Mega-ho!

MEGATRON:
Tell me, Mr. Jazz. What good is your urban slang if you’re unable…to speak?

(Megatron BRUTALLY TEARS Jazz in two pieces. A moment passes, and then Jazz’s head looks up from his bisected upper-half.)

JAZZ:
(Strained)
Yuh-y’know…this would be a mild inconvenience to Waspinator.

MEGATRON:
That was a cartoon. This is REAL LIFE.

JAZZ:
Puh-point taken.

(Jazz slumps and dies. Below, OPTIMUS PRIME arrives on the battlefield and transforms. The transformation is AWESOME, panning 360 degrees around Prime and showing just how much PAINSTAKING DETAIL and WORK went into the CGI models for the Transformers that people relentlessly DECRY and BITCH about. Optimus finishes his over-dramatic transformation with a battle-ready pose and peers up at his rival.)

OPTIMUS:
(Steely)
Mega-

MEGATRON:
THINK FAST!

(Megatron chucks the two chunks of Jazz down at Prime, knocking him over and making him look like a total JACKASS. Optimus quickly brushes his former subordinate’s remains off and stands as Megatron jumps down to street level and faces him.)

MEGATRON:
Prepare for destruction, my brother.

OPTIMUS:
Brother?? Since when are we brothers?

MEGATRON:
Since always! It’s a unshakable, long-standing tradition in Transformers lore for Optimus Prime and Megatron to be brothers.

OPTIMUS:
…No it isn’t.

MEGATRON:
Well, in any case, it adds much-needed poignancy to our bitter rivalry.

OPTIMUS:
Right, the millions and millions and millions of years of fighting each other, neither of us gaining ground on the other, just doesn’t do it for you anymore, huh? Next thing you’ll tell me is that it was YOU who killed my parents.

MEGATRON:
(Jack Nicholson-y)
Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

OPTIMUS:
(Optics widen)
GREAT BUDIANSKY! You DID kill my parents!

MEGATRON:
(Smirks)
And what are you gonna DO about it?

OPTIMUS:
(Optics narrow)
One shall stand, one shall fall.

MEGATRON:
Why quote the ‘86 movie so recklessly?

OPTIMUS:
That’s a question you should ask yourself, Megatron.

MEGATRON:
(Infuriated)
NO! I’ll quote you with my bare hands!

(Megatron makes a crude hand-puppet with one of his hideously clawed hands.)

MEGATRON:
(Mimicking Optimus with his “hand-puppet”)
“My name is Optimus Prime and I’m a great big doody-head!”

OPTIMUS:
(Mad)
I don’t recall saying that! Your dishonesty knows no bounds, Megatron!

MICHAEL BAY:
(Off-screen)
HEY!

(Optimus and Megatron both turn and look down at Michael Bay, who is standing nearby on the roof of a car.)

MICHAEL BAY:
What is this, Dragonball Z?? HIT SOMETHING!

(Optimus points intently at Michael Bay.)

OPTIMUS:
You can just go eat a dick.

MEGATRON:
(Takes fighting stance)
He does have a point though. Let us COMBAT! Dare to believe you CAN survive!

OPTIMUS:
(Defiantly)
Nothin’ gonna stand in my way! Not tonight!

(Optimus and Megatron rush each other and collide. And they FIGHT and FIGHT and FIGHT SOME MORE. Meanwhile back at Hoover Dam, Frenzy shoots it out with Jon Voight. Whirling razor-sharp CDs and shotgun blasts fly back and forth.)

ANTHONY ANDERSON:
(Excited)
I sent for the Air Force! They’re headed for the city!

MAGGIE:
That doesn’t help US, though.

ANTHONY:
I guess not. AIGH! WE’REALLGONNADIE!

JON VOIGHT:
By God, man, sit down and shut up! Jon Voight hasn’t YET lost a death-struggle with a ro-but and Jon Voight doesn’t aim to start now!

FRENZY:
Wait, you’re THAT Jon Voight?? I liked you in Baby Geniuses 2.

JON VOIGHT:
(Stands up)
Really? Cuz Jon Voight’s always thought that was one of Jon Voight’s strongest performances.

FRENZY:
Too bad there won’t be a Baby Geniuses 3, because I gotta kill you now!

(Frenzy lets off another razor-sharp CD. Jon Voight swings the butt of his shotgun and bats it back. It DECAPITATES Frenzy. The headless Frenzy flails around aimlessly like some kind of spastic robot chicken. Also like Robot Chicken. That show couldn‘t find a focal point if its life depended on it. Jon Voight smugly rests the shotgun against his shoulder.)

JON VOIGHT:
Jon Voight WINS.

(Frenzy’s head flops on the ground and skitters up to him. Jon Voight picks it up by a leg. Frenzy angrily snaps and flails helplessly.)

FRENZY:
I’ma kill you! You hear?? I’ma kill you!

JON VOIGHT:
(Smiles)
Aw, that tickles Jon Voight’s heart.

(Jon Voight reaches nearby and grabs a glass jar, then stuffs Frenzy’s head in it. Frenzy desperately scratches at the insides, to no avail.)

JON VOIGHT:
Jon Voight will keep you as a pet.

FRENZY:
(Muffled by the jar)
Nations will burn for this! I swear, nations will burn!

(Meanwhile back at Mission City, Sam is running the Allspork to a high building, where US helicopters can take it to a safer location. Unfortunately, Blackout is chasing him, slicing up cars with his rotor blades.)

SAM:
(Panicked)
I’m just Will Smith’s sidekick! And occasionally Keanu Reeves’ sidekick! Don’t kill me!

BLACKOUT:
(Screams)
ALL OF THIS COULD HAVE BEEN PREVENTED IF YOU FLESHLINGS JUST TOLD ME WHERE AN AUNT ANNIE’S PRETZELS WAS!

(Blackout lets off a charged-up 360-degrees burst of energy, devastating everything around him and sending Sam flying. Sam bangs the Allspork on the ground and unseen by him, a few jolts of energy shoot out and hit various machines on the street. A Mountain Dew soda machine is granted life and TRANSFORMS into CAN DEW. Various pedestrians look at it in horror, except for two long-haired SURFER DUDES, who give each other a high-five.)

SURFER DUDES:
(Scream at each other)
EXTREMEEEEE!!!

CAN DEW:
(Mimicks them with an inhuman shriek)
EXTREMEEEEE!!!

(Can Dew fires two hyper-velocity cans of Mountain Dew into the surfer dudes, blowing large holes in them and knocking them to the ground. One of the dudes looks up weakly.)

SURFER DUDE # 1:
(Dying)
Dude, harsh.

(The surfer dude slumps over and dies. Meanwhile another bolt of Allspork energy strike an X-Box 360 package. The package shreds open and X-BOT MICROSOFTIMUS transforms and jumps out.)

X-BOT MICROSOFTIMUS:
(Smiles a hideous grin)
Heehee, time to wreak some-

(Suddenly, X-BOT suffers the RED RING OF DEATH and keels over, dying.)

X-BOT MICROSOFTIMUS:
(Weakly)
Urk…my time…in the light…was short!

(X-BOT slumps and dies, but no one despairs because Microsoft will send you a new one in three-to-six weeks. Meanwhile, as Sam makes it inside the building, Optimus Prime and Megatron rush at each other, firing their weapons at point-blank range. They leap into the air and crash together to the ground, pointing their weapons at each other.)

MEGATRON:
You’re EMPTY.

OPTIMUS:
So’re you.

MEGATRON:
No I’m not.

OPTIMUS:
ZOINKS then.

(Megatron BLASTS Optimus several city blocks away and moves to chase Sam. Minutes later, Sam makes it to the roof and signals for a US chopper to pick him up. But STARSCREAM blows it out of the air. Megatron reaches the roof as well, and confronts Sam.)

MEGATRON:
Why, Mr. Witwicky? Why do you do it? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Why, Mr. Witwicky, why do you PERSIST??

SAM:
(A beat)
Wow…that fit REALLY well to this situation.

MEGATRON:
(Smugly)
Yeah, the “humans are actually viruses” speech would have been even better, but I couldn’t find the right time to say it.

SAM:
I’m NEVER GIVING YOU THIS ALLSPORK!

MEGATRON:
Wow, that’s the best you’ve got? Just die already, meatball.

(Megatron knocks Sam off the roof. But Optimus Prime catches him. Megatron peers over the edge of the building and sees this.)

MEGATRON:
Oh hell if I let that douchebag live to be in Indy 4!

(Megatron leaps off the building and crashes into Prime, sending them both slamming into the ground again. Prime regards Sam for a moment as they recover.)

OPTIMUS:
You’d sacrifice your life to protect the Allspork?

SAM:
(Smiles)
Soup and salad, Prime. Soup and salad.

OPTIMUS:
Listen Sam, if I cannot defeat Megatron, you must push the Allspork into my chest. It’ll destroy the utensil and kill me at the same time. It is the only way to keep it from Megatron.

SAM:
Yeah…but…what about the rest of us? Megatron will have the run of the place with you gone. And we’ll all be killed or become slaves.

OPTIMUS:
(Sighs)
Sam, I’ve committed suicide over a video game and given Earth up to the Decepticons based on a crappy VHS recording in past incarnations. Do you really think I CARE what happens to your planet after I’m gone?

SAM:
Point taken.

(Sam runs to cover as Megatron and Prime square off.)

MEGATRON:
Now I’m annoyed, Prime. Now you are going to die.

OPTIMUS:
Ahhh, you’re just pissy cuz’ your toy sucks.

(Meanwhile nearby, Lennox’s team sneaks up on Blackout from behind.)

LENNOX:
Okay, if we’re gonna do this, we’re gonna do this right. Epps, you paint the target for the Air Force to come in and bomb him.

EPPS:
And what are you gonna do?

(Lennox spies an abandoned motorcycle nearby. He moves towards it.)

LENNOX:
Look cool.

(Meanwhile, Blackout is slowly stalking towards Prime and Megatron’s fight, intent on assisting his commander.)

BLACKOUT:
(Eagerly)
If I help Megatron kill Prime, he’s sure to reward me by giving me the location of the nearest Aunt Annie’s Pretzels!

(Epps and the other soldiers target Blackout from behind with laser-sights. Lennox stands the motorcycle up and gets on.)

LENNOX:
(Softly singing)
Ameeeeerica, ZOINKS yeah…

(As the Air Force comes in, Lennox rides the motorcycle underneath Blackout and shoots him in the CYBER-GENITALS with his sabot launcher. All the while, VAGUELY-PATRIOTIC MUSIC is playing in the background. Because there’s nothing more American than killing something whilst riding a motorcycle. The Air Force bombs Blackout to death and the giant Decepticon falls over.)

BLACKOUT:
(Weakly)
Just…wanted…pretzel. Juh-just wanted…pret..z…urk-

(Blackout dies. Lennox and the others jump on his body in triumph.)

EPPS:
(To Blackout)
Yeah, bitch! How you like it now??

LENNOX:
Superb work, guys. Freakin’ sublime!

(Meanwhile, Megatron is totally owning Prime. Prime desperately looks to Sam.)

OPTIMUS:
(Weakly)
Sam…I can’t win!

SAM:
Oh, c’mon, you aren’t even TRYING!

OPTIMUS:
The Allspork! Stab me in the chest with it!

SAM:
Okay, fine then!

(Sam runs up to Prime with the Allspork, but gets knocked down by Megatron.)

MEGATRON:
I’ll be taking that, fleshling.

OPTIMUS:
Sam, throw the Allspork at me!

SAM:
Dude, why don’t I just-

OPTIMUS:
(Adamant)
No! I must die! Optimus Prime must always die!

(Optimus lurches up and knocks Megatron over, trying to get to Sam. Megatron falls right over Sam, his chest exposed to the boy. Sam sucks in a deep breath and utters the magic words.)

OPTIMUS:
No, Sam!

SAM:
Deus…Ex…MACHINA!

(Sam stabs the Allspork directly into Megatron’s chest, puncturing his spark. Megatron reels back in agony as the Allspork begins to overload and extinguish his spark.)

MEGATRON:
(Pained)
How bitterly ironic! The very thing I was seeking is the very thing that destroys me! Which makes one wonder why I even wanted it in the first place!

(Megatron spasms as the Allspork begins to disintegrate and he falls to his knees.)

MEGATRON:
(Weakly)
This…never would have happened if I was voiced by Frank Welker!

(Megatron collapses, totally inert. The Allspork is shattered to pieces. Optimus and Sam stand over Megatron’s body solemnly.)

OPTIMUS:
(A beat)
I swear, if this turns him purple and he comes back calling himself “Galvatron”, I’m going to be rightly pissed.

(From above, Starscream sees Megatron fall.)

STARSCREAM:
Earth, Wind, and Fire! Back to the Shire!

(Starscream transforms and leaves Earth forever until the next movie. Meanwhile, the survivors gather around Megatron’s body. Mikaela walks up to Sam.)

MIKAELA:
Sam, I-

SAM:
Yes, yes, I know. You’re totally in love with me now that I saved Earth.

MIKAELA:
Well, not really. I was gonna tell you to stay the hell away from me.

SAM:
(Downcast)
Oh…

MIKAELA:
Well…maybe one pity make-out session.

SAM:
(Cheers up)
That’s all I ask.

(Ironhide gives Jazz’s remains to Prime.)

IRONHIDE:
Here.

OPTIMUS:
(Confounded)
What do you expect me to do with these?

IRONHIDE:
I dunno, eulogize him or something.

(Optimus drops Jazz’s remains to the ground.)

OPTIMUS:
And put a damper on our moment of triumph? Yes, it is sad that Jazz is beyond repair, but…

RATCHET:
(Interrupts)
Actually, I could probably fix him pretty eas-

OPTIMUS:
(Glares at Ratchet)
BEYOND repair, Ratchet. He’s BEYOND repair.

RATCHET:
Er, okay. Fine. We’ll just…fine.

IRONHIDE:
Maybe we could make him into a coffee table to honor him or something…

BUMBLEBEE:
(Speaks in proper British accent)
Capital idea, old bean!

(Sam looks to Bumblebee in shock.)

SAM:
You can speak now?? And you’ve got a British accent??

(Sam looks to Ratchet in anger.)

SAM:
(Irate)
Dammit, Ratchet! I coulda had a robot with a British accent as a friend! That’s every American kid’s dream growing up! But nooooo, you just had to leave his voice broken!

RATCHET:
(Shrugs)
I still think it was funny.

OPTIMUS:
(Laughs)
Oh, Ratchet. You and your practical jokes that border on gross medical negligence!

(Everyone laughs, seemingly having forgotten about Jazz’s corpse. A LINKIN PARK song that has NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING starts playing in the background. We see a montage of stuff signaling the wrap-up of the movie. Jon Voight is addressing some government dudes, including Tom Banachek.)

JON VOIGHT:
And Sector Seven will be disbanded and the remains of the dead aliens will be dumped into the ocean, thus solving the problem forever.

TOM BANACHEK:
(Meekly)
Uh…but-

JON VOIGHT:
(Screams)
FOREVER!

(Lennox is shown seeing his wife and meeting his baby girl for the first time. Epps isn’t shown. We are made to assume he is playing BASKETBALL somewhere. What? He likes playing basketball. It was established in the very first scene of the movie. Meanwhile, Sam and Mikaela MAKE OUT on top of Bumblebee in front of a sunset while the other Autobots watch. It’s totally NAUGHTY.)

SAM:
(Looks down at Bumblebee)
Uh, sure you don’t mind this, Bumblebee?

BUMBLEBEE:
What? Oh, no, no. Keep at it, old chum.

(Sam and Mikaela go back to making out, squirming on Bumblebee’s hood.)

BUMBLEBEE:
(Quietly)
Yes, that’s it…work the hood. Oh yes.

(Optimus Prime looks to the sunset, deep in contemplation.)

OPTIMUS PRIME:
So…we beat Megatron for the time being and lost the Allspork. But we get to live here now. So I guess…things…really turned out poorly, huh? Oh well. There’s always next movie.

(MICHAEL BAY walks up alongside Prime, dragging a large sack with a dollar sign on it.)

MICHAEL BAY:
You BET YOUR ASS there is! HAW!

THE END
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TRAILER FOR TRANSFORMERS 2: THE REVENGE OF MEGATRON’S REVENGE


(We see several scenes cut to dramatic music, leading off with Ratchet standing over a downed Ironhide. Ironhide isn’t moving and has a LARGE KNIFE in his back. Ratchet shakes his fists at the heavens.)

RATCHET
Whodunnit, damn you, WHODUNNIT???!!!

(We cut to a scene of a wide-eyed, disheveled-looking Sam being confronted by a police officer in a WALGREENS.)

SAM:
(Crazed)
I’m not leavin’! You CAN’T MAKE ME LEAVE! AUHAUAGH!

(Sam spazzes out and gets tasered by the police officer. Cut to Optimus Prime, wounded, but on his feet. He resolutely activates his sword-arm and points it at the screen.)

OPTIMUS PRIME:
(Coolly)
Hello, my name is Optimus Prime. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

(We cut over to MEGATRON, who is now colored COMPLETELY PURPLE.)

GALVATRON:
STOP SAYING THAT!

(Cut to a scene of Jon Voight wearing an orange safety vest and wearing a hunting cap. He raises a shotgun up and aims.)

JON VOIGHT:
PULL!

(Frenzy’s head is launched from off-screen into the air.)

FRENZY:
(Makes the “R2-D2 screech”.)

(Jon Voight shoots Frenzy’s head out of the air. It drops to the grass, a large hole in it. Frenzy whimpers a bit in Cybertronian.)

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
I want to renegotiate my contract…

(Cut to Bumblebee and Mikaela sitting together. Bumblebee appears downcast.)

BUMBLEBEE:
Why didn’t I just leave them? Do I have a fear of abandonment?

MIKAELA:
It’s not your fault, Bumblebee.

BUMBLEBEE:
(Voice breaking)
Don’t ZOINKS with me.

MIKAELA:
(Just keeps repeating it)
It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.

(Bumblebee breaks down crying. Mikaela pats him on the head in a comforting manner. Finally we cut to Starscream, standing on the surface of the Earth’s MOON, not doing much of anything, just kicking dust around and whistling. He stops and looks directly at the camera.)

STARSCREAM:
Oh, that’s right. The sequel.

(Starscream immediately takes off and transforms, flying towards Earth.)

TRANSFORMERS 2- COMING in 2009...10...11, maybe? Really depends on the writers strike.

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 Post Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 6:05 am 
Offline
Retconned MSV Ace

Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2006 3:44 am
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Solid gold. I was waiting for this last installment!

Quote:
OPTIMUS:
Ooooooh, we got a great big convoy…

Brilliant. Now that frickin' song is stuck in my head for ages.

Quote:
BARRICADE:
(Subtitled shriek)
You go fight the largest and most powerful Autobot alone, Bonecrusher. I’ll leave and never come back.

Fantastically summed up. :D

And I like "Brawlastator". I was surprised you didn't mention his cannon rounds which were made of cardboard, apparently, given the damage they did when he fired the main gun.

Quote:
BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled shriek)
I dunno WHAT you meat-bags did to Scorponok, but he’s huddled in his room and refuses to come out!

Another loose end expertly tied up! :P

Quote:
The transformation is AWESOME, panning 360 degrees around Prime and showing just how much PAINSTAKING DETAIL and WORK went into the CGI models for the Transformers that people relentlessly DECRY and BITCH about.

Indeed. And yet, moan I shall. A randow whiz of gadgetry up close isn't going to impress me. :wink:

Hugo Weaving quotes were just excellent in this context. Sadly, they show how little writing went to either movies. And I liked seasons one and two of Robot Chicken. The third one, not so much. :P

Quote:
OPTIMUS:
(Adamant)
No! I must die! Optimus Prime must always die!

The sequel, man, wait for the sequel! Because it has to be SAD and TRAGIC and even more SELF-SACRIFICING. :twisted:

And finally, I loved the bit of the ending. It IS naughty. It IS even a bit dirty. I maybe would have added a bit of Optimus deciding to screw Earth over for good by inviting his comrades "from the stars" to come and hang out on Earth, since with only five Autobots they caused only moderate damage. With twenty or so they should attract the same amount of Decepticons too! Yay, sequel!

Quote:
TRANSFORMERS 2- COMING in 2009...10...11, maybe? Really depends on the writers strike.

This suggests they will actually have writers this time around. :D I'm sure Bay could cough it up by himself since it is common knowledge that your usual sequel only reheats the idea of the first one. :twisted:

Thanks for brining us this piece of comedy, and for the record, I do own the Transformers DVD too. :)

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 Post Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008 8:15 am 
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A great ending, to say the least. Jon Voight remained epically funny and the ending was very well done. The only down side was that this chapter seemed to have a few more jokes that 'missed' than normal, although that's probably just my opinion. Still, it's great.

And now, we have to wait for Michael Bay to make the next movie so you can do the next spoof... ...damn it...

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As I mentioned before, I'm a bigger Transformers fan than a Gundam fan.

And I really enjoyed the movie and was willing to accept some changes to the mythos.

Of course, the plot holes and spastic camera work I was less forgiving about.

But I tried to make light of the movie and also make light of the people who criticize the movie for "NOT BEING GEEWUN!"

Hmmm, now what shall I do next?

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 Post Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 3:14 pm 
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Thundermuffin wrote:
Hmmm, now what shall I do next?


A typical episode of Gundam 00. T'would be epicly funny.

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Strike Zero wrote:
Thundermuffin wrote:
Hmmm, now what shall I do next?


A typical episode of Gundam 00. T'would be epicly funny.


You are quite close to what I have in store. Might take a bit. But you are close.

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Thundermuffin wrote:
MEGATRON:
Why, Mr. Witwicky? Why do you do it? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you're fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Why, Mr. Witwicky, why do you PERSIST??

SAM:
(A beat)
Wow…that fit REALLY well to this situation.


:lol:

That was awesome. While I still would have rather heard Frank Welker, when I saw that they had cast Hugo Weaving I was really hoping they'd let him sound a little like himself... Hugo Weaving is pretty darn good at being Hugo Weaving, and I wouldn't really mind Agent Elrond as Megatron... It'd be very different, but still menacing. As it turned out, he didn't really sound like Hugo Weaving or Frank Welker's Megatron, and he didn't have nearly enough lines anyway, so it all ended up falling flat.

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Thundermuffin wrote:
Strike Zero wrote:
Thundermuffin wrote:
Hmmm, now what shall I do next?


A typical episode of Gundam 00. T'would be epicly funny.


You are quite close to what I have in store. Might take a bit. But you are close.
Let it be noted that I in no way copyrighted, stole, or otherwise unlawfully used that as a title for one of my own earlier 00 drabbles.

Really. I swear. Don't look at how much worse it is compared to the traditional Thundermuffin quality. Please.

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 Post Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:33 pm 
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Dean_the_Young wrote:
Thundermuffin wrote:
Strike Zero wrote:
Thundermuffin wrote:
Hmmm, now what shall I do next?


A typical episode of Gundam 00. T'would be epicly funny.


You are quite close to what I have in store. Might take a bit. But you are close.
Let it be noted that I in no way copyrighted, stole, or otherwise unlawfully used that as a title for one of my own earlier 00 drabbles.

Really. I swear. Don't look at how much worse it is compared to the traditional Thundermuffin quality. Please.


I rather like yours. Keep at it. Mine'll be different. :wink:

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I'd say try doing this to G1, but G1 is already so silly it doesn't need help. :D

Of course, I say that in the most affectionate way possible. Especially after Soundwave somehow managed to make an alligator out of Optimus Prime's body.

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Believe it or not, I did start rewriting the original '86 movie years ago in a humorous format.

I only got up to about the Decepticons' attack on Autobot City.

I abandoned it though. Maybe one day I'll finish it.

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