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 Post Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 8:21 pm 
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Elitist Earth Politician
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Joined: Sun Jun 18, 2006 12:16 pm
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Location: Wh-what the HELLLLL???
WARNING- Bad language and vulgar/offensive humor abound. I'm just working with what they gave me.

DISCLAIMER- I by no means hated this movie. It might come off as that way. I am a diehard Transformers fan and I rather enjoyed this film. It was exactly what I expected it to be. Doesn't mean I can't make fun of some very obvious flaws and funny bits, however. My motto is "if you truly appreciate something, you'll make light of it."

I wrote this in a little bit of a different style than ATEOGSD, trying not to focus so much on descriptions and more on dialogue and situations. But the script format still is the best for comedic value.


-


(We open in SPACE, where lots of IMPORTANT STUFF happens FOR SURE. An object, covered in alien runes floats by. We hear a voice-over. It’s OPTIMUS ZOINKING PRIME, speaking in a tone that prepares the listeners for something intense...like an epic movie, or a train wreck.)

OPTIMUS PRIME VOICE-OVER:
Before time began…there was…the Allspork. We know not from where it came, only that it grants its wielder the ability to eat both soup AND salad with impunity. ANY soup or salad.

(We see the alien rune-covered ALLSPORK utensil floating through the endless black of space, directionless.)

OPTIMUS PRIME VO:
But like all miraculously-convenient utensils, some wanted it for good, others wanted it for not-so-good.

(The Allspork is struck by an asteroid and sent spinning away in another direction…towards a sickeningly familiar-looking planet.)

OPTIMUS PRIME VO:
So the Allspork was launched into space, where it was assumed lost forever and beyond the reach of any evil alien warlords fully-capable of space-travel…

(The Allspork is sucked into Earth orbit and begins planet-fall.)

OPTIMUS PRIME VO:
Yeah, we’re frickin’ morons.

-

TRANSFORMERS: The REWRITE 2007

-

(We open up in QATAR. That’s in the Middle East, apparently. Flying over the desert in a REAL EXPENSIVE-LOOKING military aircraft, Captain William Lennox’s squad of racially-diverse soldiers sit and eagerly await their trip back home to America.)

FIGUEROA:
(Excited)
Aw, man. I can’t wait to get home and eat some ethnic food!

DONNELLY:
And I will watch American baseball when I get home. To America. Also, I will drink beer…but only if it is American.

FAT, BALD, TATTOOED NAMELESS GUY:
I will eat and shove people out of the way! Because I am fat! Haw!

LENNOX:
(Sighs contently)
Well, I just can’t wait to get home to see my newborn baby girl…

(Everyone in the ship razzes Lennox, he just smiles. Epps regards him with an annoyed look.)

EPPS:
(Irritated)
Man, you can’t say that ZOINKS in here with us, dude! You’re gonna jinx it!

LENNOX:
(Smiles)
Here, let me show you a picture of her.

(Lennox reaches into his pocket for a picture of his daughter and passes it around. Everyone “oohs” and “awws”. When it reaches Epps, he just tosses the picture out the back of the aircraft.)

LENNOX:
(Angered)
What the hell, man!

EPPS:
Man, the dude who shows the pics of his loved ones is always the dude who gets killed first! Ain’t you got any sense?

LENNOX:
(Admonishingly)
“DON‘T” I “HAVE” any sense, Epps.

EPPS:
Man, ZOINK you.

(The aircraft lands at the US SOCCENT military base, where Lennox’s unit split up and enjoy some downtime. Epps plays basketball, because he is black. Fat, Bald, Tattooed Nameless Guy shoves people out of the way to take a shower, because he is fat. And Lennox goes to talk via videophone-link with his wife and newborn daughter, because he’s a wholesome American white boy. Meanwhile, in the main command post of the base, COLONEL AARON FROM “24” receives a unsettling report from one of his officers.)

OFFICER:
Sir, the incoming bogey bears the same ID-number as a chopper that was shot down in Afghanistan some months ago.

COLONEL AARON FROM “24”:
Must be some kinda mistake. Double-check that information, son.

OFFICER:
I did, sir. My sister’s cousin’s best friend’s half-brother’s evil twin was on that chopper when it went down.

COLONEL AARON FROM “24”:
(Upraised eyebrow)
So…what you’re telling me, is that it’s a ZOMBIE-copter, then.

OFFICER:
Well…not as such…but…

COLONEL AARON FROM “24”:
(On walkie-talkie)
All troops, prepare to repel zombie invaders.

(Meanwhile, Lennox has reached the videophone set-up. You know- one of those things like in those “It’s a GURL, huh-yuk!” commercials. His wife and newborn daughter appear on-screen. At the same time outside, the unidentified helicopter has landed and is surrounded by troops who point guns at it. Colonel Aaron From “24” radios the copter‘s pilot from his command post.)

COLONEL AARON FROM “24”:
Attention, zombie-pilot. Power down now. If you do not power down, we will have no choice but to KILL THE ZOINK OUT OF YOU.

(Suddenly, the helicopter begins a startling TRANSFORMATION! The human troops immediately open fire on it.)

SOLDIER:
AHHH!!! He’s a witch!

(Finally, it is complete and DECEPTICON BLACKOUT stands in robot mode in all his glory. He emits a shrieking, TERRIFYINGLY-LOUD, incomprehensible string of gibberish as the human soldiers continue to fire upon him- this is the native Cybertronian language.)

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled)
Greetings, Earth-humans! I am lost and am simply seeking a mall directory. Would one of you kindly point me in its direction?

(No response, the troops just keep unloading ammunition as Blackout stands there. After a few seconds, Blackout emits another shrieking string of gibberish.)

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled)
I ask a question and your only response is to rapidly hurl hundreds of tiny, shaped bits of metal at me? Well, if that is your custom, allow me to reciprocate with my own greeting.

(A massive burst of energy radiates outward from Blackout’s body, totally decimating everything around him. Everyone dies. Blackout waits for another response, but all the humans around him are dead. He speaks aloud in Cybertronian again.)

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled)
Hmm, troubling. I seem to have terminated your life functions with my greeting. Such was not my intent. I only wish to find the mall directory.

(Blackout looks around and sees the main command center. He speaks aloud again.)

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled)
Ah! Perhaps there!

(Blackout stalks over to the command center and casually tears the ceiling off. He sticks his hand down and touches a giant computer tower, accessing it with tiny wires that shoot off from his fingers. Colonel Aaron From “24” peers into the room and sees what Blackout is trying to do.)

COLONEL AARON FROM “24”:
No ZOINKING zombie Communist robot is gonna get information outta us!

(The colonel rushes over to the hard-line connections and severs them with an axe, cutting off Blackout’s access to their network. The giant Decepticon recoils in annoyance.)

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled)
I just want to find an Aunt Annie’s pretzel stand! Is that so much to ask?

(Meanwhile, Lennox’s unit has snuck up behind Blackout. Epps pulls out a portable imaging-device and points it at the alien robot.)

EPPS:
Say cheese, jumbo.

(Blackout seems to know when his picture is being taken and turns around.)

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled)
Damn paparazzi! Away with you!

(Blackout begins building up another burst of energy, but Figueroa shoots him in the face with a flare. The Decepticon reels back in pain.)

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled)
Agh! Leave me alone! You people are parasites!

(Blackout flounders back and stumbles and falls back into the command center, crushing everyone inside.)

LENNOX:
Okay, we’ve pissed it off now, let’s get the hell out of here.

(Lennox and co. quickly abscond with the images of Blackout, as the Decepticon slowly pulls himself out of the wreckage of the command center. He scraps something off his frame in disgust.)

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled)
Ewwwww, I got dead Earth-organism all over me!

(Blackout turns around and sees Lennox’s unit running off into the desert. He ejects SCORPONOK from his back.)

BLACKOUT:
(Subtitled)
Clearly those small creatures know where an Aunt Annie’s pretzel stand is located! After them, Scorponok!

(Scorponok emits a similar shrieking noise.)

SCORPONOK:
(Subtitled)
I shall befriend them and then subtly ply the information from their soft, pink cerebral-centers through the use of verbal flattery! Away!

(Scorponok dives under the sand and goes off in hot pursuit of Lennox’s group.)

-

(We’re in the United States of America now, at an American high school in an American classroom filled with American teenagers. SAM WITWICKY is about to give a presentation in front of his class. He briefly glances over at the too-hot-to-reasonably-exist-on-this-planet MIKAELA BANES, the object of his desire to bone, but she’s too busy being possessively groped by STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87. Sucking in a nervous breath, Sam begins his report.)

SAM:
For my genealogy project, I chose to base it on my great-grandfather Archibald Witwicky.

(The class is utterly bored. Sam nervously unravels a large, old-looking portrait of his great-grand pappy and shows it around before continuing.)

SAM:
My great-grandfather was born at the age of 65. He grew up on Awesome Island, in the province of Winland, well-known for its high levels of EPIC WIN.

(The class is still unimpressed. Sam’s teacher furrows his brow and pulls a large book out from his drawer to peruse through.)

SAM:
At age 67, he decided to become a sailor and did. He went to the Arctic Circle in a boat, then went crazy and blind. Then one day he died. The end.

(The class claps half-heartedly as Sam produces a few artifacts to show around.)

SAM:
Um, I have some of his old stuff here…this is his sextet, his compass, and his glasses.

(The class snickers at the word “sextet”.)

RANDOM STUDENT:
Heheh, “tet”.

(Sam nervously smiles and holds the cracked glasses up.)

SAM:
These are his glasses. I’m told he used them to see things, because his eyes were broken. I’m not quite sure why he just didn’t get contact lenses. I guess he was just a stubborn guy.

STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87:
(Shouts out)
I’ll bet he was gay, just like you, Wiltwonky!

(Everyone in the class laughs at this, but Sam only frowns when he sees Mikaela crack a smile as well.)

SAM:
Erm, yes. Well-played. In any case, all these items are up for sale on Ebay. So if you aren’t currently entertaining the thought that I’m a monster for selling off my family’s legacy for some quick cash, please, please check it out. Thank you.

(The class adjourns, but Sam’s teacher motions for him to stay. Sam nervously stands in front of his teacher’s desk as the older man flips through a large, wide book.)

SAM’S TEACHER:
You know, I’ve got my atlas here…

SAM:
(Fidgety)
Yeah…

SAM’S TEACHER:
(Closes book)
…And well, there’s no “Winland” on Awesome Island, Sam.

SAM:
Oh…about that…

SAM’S TEACHER:
(Holds his hand up)
You made “Winland” up, didn’t you Sam?

SAM:
(Looks down)
Yesum.

(Sam’s teacher sighs and sits back in his chair.)

SAM’S TEACHER:
You know I can’t give you an “A” for this, Mr. Weltgaggy.

(Sam looks up sharply.)

SAM:
(Panicked)
No, nonono. You HAVE to give me an A!!! If I don’t get an A, my dad won’t bring me to buy my first car! And-and that’s all important and ZOINKS!

SAM’S TEACHER:
Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you slandered the good citizens of Awesome Island with your fraudulent research.

(Sam looks down- despondent. Perhaps feeling a little charitable, Sam’s teacher leans forward with a sympathetic expression.)

SAM’S TEACHER:
Well, okay, Sam. I’ll tell you what…

(Sam looks back up with renewed hope.)

SAM’S TEACHER:
I’ll give you that A, but you have to do a “favor” for me.

SAM:
(Nervous)
What sort of “favor”?

(Sam’s teacher stands up from his seat and begins unbuckling his belt.)

SAM’S TEACHER:
Come over here, Sam.

(Sam hesitantly steps over to the other side of the desk, as his teacher begins to pull his pants off.)

SAM’S TEACHER:
(Folding his pants neatly)
There we are…now…

SAM:
(Nods)
Okay, I get the picture.

(Sam begins to lower himself down towards his teacher’s lower body, when suddenly Sam’s teacher shoves him away.)

SAM’S TEACHER:
(Flabbergasted)
What do you think you’re DOING??

SAM:
Um.

SAM’S TEACHER:
(Realizing)
Mr. Wenstalin, I just wanted you to take my pants to the dry cleaners!

SAM:
(Awkwardly)
Oh.

SAM’S TEACHER:
(Puts his hand on his forehead)
I mean, Jesus Christ, Sam! I have the lunchlady to do stuff like…“that” for me!

SAM:
(Falters)
Ms. Lansfield does WHAT now?

(Sam’s teacher shoves the folded-up pants into Sam’s hands and ushers him out of the room.)

SAM’S TEACHER:
Just-just get out of here! You’ve got your A as long as I get my pants back, nice and clean!

SAM:
(Excited)
Really? Oh, thank you! Thank you!

(Sam turns to give his teacher a hug, but Sam’s teacher leaps back and puts his arms up.)

SAM’S TEACHER:
(Points at the door)
Just go! Go!

(Sam dashes out the door, excited as Sam’s teacher exhaustively walks back to his desk and sits down. He hits a button to activate the intercom.)

SAM’S TEACHER:
Gloria? Can you please send Ms. Lansfield to my classroom? I’ve got some “dry-cleaning” for her to do.

(Meanwhile outside, Sam runs over to his dad RON WITWICKY, who is waiting to drive him home from school.)

SAM:
(Excited)
I got it, Dad! I got an A!

RON:
(Suspiciously)
Let me see…

(Sam proudly hands Ron a paper that says “A” on it in red marker. Ron examines it closely for several long seconds.)

RON:
Yes…yes, this indeed appears to be an “A”. I recognize its distinct shape from the alphabet! Okay then! Let’s go get your first car!

SAM:
(Puts his fist in the air)
EXCELSIOR!

(A random kid walks by and abruptly hits Sam in the kidney. Sam immediately drops to the ground in pain.)

RANDOM KID:
(Just keeps walking by)
Nerd.

(Minutes later, Sam is being driven by Ron to a used car dealership. They arrive there and BERNIE MAC greets them.)

BERNIE MAC:
(Genial)
Hi, y’all! I’m Bernie Mac!

SAM:
Holy ZOINKS! Bernie Mac! I know you from TV and that Chris Rock movie no one liked!

RON:
(Proudly)
Mr. Mac, my son is looking to buy his first ca-

(Sam quickly steps in front of his father and interrupts.)

SAM:
No, no! I’ve changed my mind! Instead, I want to spend my four-grand on an autograph from Bernie Mac!

BERNIE MAC:
Well, I don’t usually charge for autographs…

SAM:
(Turns to Bernie Mac)
No! I insist you charge me for this! Here’s the four-grand in advance!

(Sam slaps four-thousand dollars into Bernie Mac’s hands. He smiles and shrugs, then pulls out a piece of paper and a marker.)

BERNIE MAC:
Okay then, son! This’ll make you popular with ALL the ladies, I guarantee it!

(Sam watches, barely able to contain his excitement as Bernie Mac signs his name in marker on the piece of paper, then hands it to him.)

RON:
Uh, Sam? You sure about this?

SAM:
(Excited)
Sure as sure can be! Wait I tell everyone at school that I got Bernie Mac’s autograph!!!

RON:
(Smiles and shrugs)
Kids nowadays.

BERNIE MAC:
(Counting his money, smiles)
Y’all come back now, y’hear?

(Ron drives Sam away from the used car dealership. Unbeknownst to either of them, a beat-up 1976 yellow Camaro begins tailing them all the way home. Oh, did I mention that the Camaro HAS NO DRIVER??? Well, it doesn’t.)

-

(Now we’re on AIR FORCE ONE. A flight attendant opens the door to the PRESIDENT’s room.)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Sir? Can I get you anything?

NOT-GEORGE W BUSH:
Ah reckon yah kan, lil’ darlin’! Howsabout ya wrangle meh up sumathem Ding-Dongs? Ah LAHIKE Ding-Dongs.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
(Smiles and shakes her head)
Oh, Mr. President.

NOT-GEORGE W BUSH:
(Bobs his head)
Heh. Heh. Thas’ righ. Ah’m th’ Pres-zi-dent.

(The flight attendant closes the door as another flight attendant walks up behind her.)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
I’m going down to the stock room to get the President some Ding-Dongs.

OTHER FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Ding-Dongs for a dingbat. I get it! Making fun of the President…how very topical and progressive!

(Elsewhere on the jet, we see a CD player resting under someone’s chair. Suddenly, the CD player TRANSFORMS into the imposingly-tiny robot form of FRENZY! He quickly skitters out of plain sight and jumps into an elevator that leads to the stock room. Once inside, Frenzy sighs and leans against the wall. He speaks aloud in weird, alien gibberish, which must be a different language than Cybertronian because we all know by this point that Cybertronian sounds like a retarded dial tone.)

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
If someone plays one more Fall Out Boy song on me, I swear I will cut that person’s fingers off.

(Frenzy rides the elevator down to the stock room, then begins looking around for a computer terminal…which is apparently in the stock room. Suddenly, a noise!)

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
Uh-oh. Time for robots in disguise.

(Frenzy leaps backwards into a rack of coats hanging behind him as the flight attendant exits the elevator. She goes over to the freezer to retrieve the President’s Ding-Dongs. As she walks back to the elevator, she passes Frenzy, who is simply standing there, wearing a flight attendant’s jacket and a hat.)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
(To Frenzy)
Hey.

FRENZY:
(In English)
Sup’.

(The flight attendant walks a few more steps, then turns back to Frenzy with a dubious look on her face.)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
WAAA-AIT-a-minute! You’re not one of the crew!

FRENZY:
(Shrugs)
Yeah, you got me.

(Frenzy KILLS HER DEAD, then goes back to looking for a computer terminal. He finds it and inserts his APPENDAGE into an opening.)

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
Aw yeah, jacked-in. Now talk to me, baby.

(Frenzy hacks into the network, searching through computer files. While he’s doing this, he grinds rhythmically against the terminal, closes his optics, and emits weird, groan-like noises. Everyone in the audience is SERIOUSLY uncomfortable.)

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
Come on, baby, give it to me! GIVE IT TO ME!

(The images on the screen begin shifting faster and faster, until they become a blur. Frenzy’s body gyrates faster in step with the images. Suddenly, smoke begins pouring from the computer terminal and the images abruptly cut out as the computer terminal dies. Frenzy stops moving and calms down. He emits a rapid string of alien gibberish in annoyance.)

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
Dammit, bitch! Right before you gave up the motherload!

(Two secret service agents rush into the room and behold Frenzy in shock.)

AGENT # 1:
Holy crap! That CGI Muppet was the intruder hacking our network!

AGENT # 2:
(Narrows his eyes)
General Grevious…you’re shorter than I expected…

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
Human SLIME.

(The agents open fire, but Frenzy leaps up acrobatically and lets off two razor-sharp FALL OUT BOY CDs from his chest launcher. They hit the two secret service agents.)

AGENT # 1:
(Falling to the ground, dying)
Thnks fr th Mmrs!!!

AGENT # 2:
(Also falling to the ground, dying)
Sugar, we’re going down!

(As the two agents begin bleeding to death, Frenzy lands and stalks over their fallen bodies. He regards them for a second, then looks to the audience and speaks in alien gibberish.)

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
Remember boys and girls, Fall Out Boy KILLS.

AUDIENCE:
Wow! Now we know!

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
And knowing is half the-CRAP!

(Frenzy turns and sees more secret service agents coming into the room, he leaps up and transforms into CD player mode, resting on a nearby table. Another agent comes up and examines the two dead agents on the ground.)

AGENT # 3:
(Shakes his head slowly in sorrow)
Another two lives cut short by Fall Out Boy! (Clenches his fist, quavering) God, do I hate that band…!

AGENT # 4:
(Looks around)
But where did the intruder who used these deadly weapons go?

(Frenzy speaks aloud in English, still in CD player mode on a nearby table.)

FRENZY:
(Not actually indicating any direction)
He went THAT way, guys!

(The two agents turn to Frenzy and determinedly stand up.)

AGENT # 3:
Thanks, magical talking CD player! We’ll take it from here!

(The two agents and several more run off-screen, past CD player-mode Frenzy. He transforms back to robot mode and trots out the door once they’ve all passed him. Minutes later, Air Force One has made an emergency landing. Once on the runway, Frenzy scampers out through the landing gear hatch and runs to meet the waiting BARRICADE in police car mode. Once inside, Frenzy regards a HOLOGRAM MUSTACHE MAN, the generic body-avatar used by larger Decepticons to escape scrutiny.)

BARRICADE’S HOLOGRAM MUSTACHE MAN:
(Subtitled)
Well?

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
I found something related to the Allspork when I jacked into that slut. But first we need to go to a Best Buy.

BARRICADE’S HOLOGRAM MUSTACHE MAN:
(Subtitled)
Why?

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
I got cut off before I finished, man! It ain’t healthy to just…leave it like that!

BARRICADE’S HOLOGRAM MUSTACHE MAN:
(Subtitled)
Sigh, very well. But no luxuriating! Just pop and drop!

FRENZY:
(Subtitled)
Huugggh, you’re no fun, dude.

(Barricade drives off. We cut to the NSA, where JON VOIGHT is pretending to be a CHARACTER in a MOVIE.)

JON VOIGHT:
So, we need to find out who was hacking our system.

NSA OFFICIAL:
We’ve narrowed it down to…foreigners.

JON VOIGHT:
Good start, man. Good start.

(Suddenly, MAGGIE MADSEN walks in the room. She’s oh-so Australian, oh you can’t even BELIEVE how AUSTRALIAN she is.)

MAGGIE:
Excuse me, mates…theah’s something I need to-

JON VOIGHT:
(Interrupts)
Ah, the Aussie hooker I ordered has arrived! But I thought I told you to go wait in my office!

MAGGIE:
Uhm, I’m not a hookah. Theah’s something important that aive discoveahed.

JON VOIGHT:
Does it concern the plot, at all?

MAGGIE:
Well, sort of…it leads in that direacshon…but to elaboreate furhtha, I’m going to have to breang Anthany Anderson into this…

JON VOIGHT:
Anthony Anderson, huh? Pass.

MAGGIE:
But-!

JON VOIGHT:
(Cuts her off)
What part of “pass” didn’t you understand, Captain Kangaroo? Do they not have that word in your backwards upside-down little nation?

MAGGIE:
(Offended)
Sir, I’m an American citizen!

JON VOIGHT:
(Sighs)
Fine. If bringing Anthony Anderson into this is the only way to advance the plot, then so be it! But let it be on YOUR head, Crocodile Dundee!

MAGGIE:
Uhm…okay.

TO BE CONTINUED!

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 Post Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 9:20 pm 
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OMG Doomsday Laser
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Genius! Genius! I loved the Fall Out Boy jokes. Thundermuffin does it again, but if he really doesn't like Fall Out Boy, he'll be banned.


*Note: Folkenm is a freakishly huge FOB fanboy.

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 Post Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 9:48 pm 
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XD Not only does he ruthlessly persecute Fall Out Boy, but he also makes fun of Australians! Yay!

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 Post Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:00 pm 
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Epic, as always. It's just as funny as ATEOGSD, although it seems a little on the short side. I can't wait for more of this to be done.

And ignore Folken's threats. Everyone else does. :P

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 Post Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:18 pm 
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Elitist Earth Politician
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Folken Fanel wrote:
Genius! Genius! I loved the Fall Out Boy jokes. Thundermuffin does it again, but if he really doesn't like Fall Out Boy, he'll be banned.


*Note: Folkenm is a freakishly huge FOB fanboy.


:wink:

No. Nonononono.

Only Frenzy and Air Force One's secret service compliment hate Fall Out Boy.

Not I.

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 Post Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 10:32 pm 
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DUUUDE!!!! This is so freakin' awesome...I haven't laughed this hard since...I dunno.
But as awesome as the Fallout Boy(I hate FOB) and Blackout "Auntie Anne's" jokes are, this right here is made of epic win:

Quote:
AGENT # 2:
(Narrows his eyes)
General Grevious…you’re shorter than I expected…


Ripping off STAR WARS: REVENGE OF THE UGLY MAN AND HIS ANGSTY SIDEKICK(aka SITH) in a freakin' TRANSFORMERS spoof.

You rock. Can't wait for the rest.

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 Post Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 11:27 pm 
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Elitist Earth Politician
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There's a general basic law of the universe that you can pull a Star Wars reference out of ANYTHING.

ANYTHING.

But in this particular case it worked rather well, if I do say so m'self.

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 Post Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 1:17 pm 
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The second I spotted this thread and who was wiriting it I actually said out loud that "This is going to be good." And right I was, excellent work again Thundermuffin! Although I felt the bits about Sam werre not as good as the ones with the robots in it... whaddayaknow, that seems to apply to the movie itself as well! :P
A few quotes just scream out to be mentioned...

Quote:
ALLSPORK utensil

The ALLSPORK? Which is it, a fork or a spoon? Pick a side, we're at war! :D

Quote:
All troops, prepare to repel zombie invaders.

This hit the spot so well after just having read this which was absolutely hilarious.

Quote:
OTHER FLIGHT ATTENDANT:
Ding-Dongs for a dingbat. I get it! Making fun of the President…how very topical and progressive!

Exactly my thoughts when I watched that scene. But that would then mean that Jon Voight is not *gasp* just CHARACTER in a MOVIE, he is... ow, let's not go there. :wink:

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 Post Posted: Sat Aug 25, 2007 6:13 pm 
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I nearly died laughing at Optimus' line about the Allspork letting one eat soup AND salad with impunity.

Scorponok's one line is made of EPIC WIN...

...speaking of which, Sam's whole schpiel was great.

I LOVE the FOB bashing. The fact that the dying agents muttered lyrics as they died was hilarious beyond words.

I'm surprised you didn't rip on the horrendous Sony product placement in the form of Frenzy's CD player-mode, but I'll bet you're saving some of that for later. I can't wait to see it.

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 Post Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 2:54 am 
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Wow, this beats Robot chicken any day! :lol:

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 Post Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 3:13 am 
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I died laughing at this. This is just as good as ATEOGSD. Hell, I even cracked up on the FOB bashing, and I'm a fan of Fall Out Boy. :D

Best part?

Quote:
OPTIMUS PRIME VOICE-OVER:
Before time began…there was…the Allspork. We know not from where it came, only that it grants its wielder the ability to eat both soup AND salad with impunity. ANY soup or salad.

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 Post Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 9:48 am 
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Thundermuffin wrote:
DONNELLY:
And I will watch American baseball when I get home. To America. Also, I will drink beer…but only if it is American.


Either there's some freakily similar parallel development going on here... or you just referenced Yugioh: The Abridged Series.

Bandit Keith FTW!!!

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 Post Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 5:48 pm 
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Ascension wrote:
Thundermuffin wrote:
DONNELLY:
And I will watch American baseball when I get home. To America. Also, I will drink beer…but only if it is American.


Either there's some freakily similar parallel development going on here... or you just referenced Yugioh: The Abridged Series.

Bandit Keith FTW!!!


It didn't occur to me writing the line, but yeah, I realized that afterwards.

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 Post Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 9:14 pm 
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Or maybe Tundermuffin is Little Kuriboh in disguise! *rips off Thundermuffin's face. Sees that it wasn't a mask* "Oops. Sorry."

Anyways, this was definitely equally as funny as ATEOGSD (lets see the GSD writing staff come up with the meaning for that acronym :wink: :lol: ).

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 Post Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 5:52 pm 
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Heh, I was only made aware of YuGiOh abridged like...halfway through writing episode six of ATEOGSD. Now I've caught up on it and love it.

But any material in common between that and my stuff is mostly coincidence.

I was trying to parody the almost jingoistic nature of the movie with that line from Donnelly. Pretty much every chance it gets, the movie screams "USA, USA, USA!"

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 Post Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 5:57 pm 
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Zeonic Glory wrote:
Anyways, this was definitely equally as funny as ATEOGSD (lets see the GSD writing staff come up with the meaning for that acronym :wink: :lol: ).


It would actually be surprising if anybody on the Destiny staff actually had read Thundermuffin's stories.

Funny as hell, but surprising nonetheless.

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 Post Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 11:38 am 
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(Now we’re at Sam’s house. Sam sits in his room, glumly regarding his autograph of Bernie Mac. His Chihuahua, MOJO, lies on his bed behind him. The dog‘s cute little leg is in a cute little cast.)

SAM:
(Sighs)
Dammit! I let my love for Bernie Mac get in the way of getting a car! What was I THINKING??

(Mojo looks up and barks.)

MOJO:
(Subtitled)
Keep it down. Some of us sleep all day.

(Sam pulls a lighter out and sets the Bernie Mac autograph on fire, then tosses it out of the window.)

SAM:
(Disgusted)
That won’t help me impress Mikaela! I’ve gotta find some other way to get me a car! But how?

(Mojo barks.)

MOJO:
(Subtitled)
Seriously, who are you even talking to? I’m trying to sleep. And I’m a dog.

SAM:
(Excited)
You’re RIGHT, Mojo! I’ve got to beg my dad to buy me a car for nothing!

(Mojo barks.)

MOJO:
(Subtitled)
Or…you can shut the ZOINK up and accept that you’re going to be a virgin for the rest of your life. That way everyone wins.

SAM:
(Nods)
You bet, Mojo! I’m going down there right now! Love you!

(Sam rushes out the door as Mojo barks after him and puts his head back down.)

MOJO:
(Subtitled)
Yeah, yeah, kill yourself.

(Seconds later downstairs, Sam rushes to his mom and dad sitting in the kitchen.)

SAM:
Dad, mom! Get me a car!

RON:
What happened to wanting Bernie Mac’s autograph?

SAM:
That’s so two hours ago, dad! I changed my mind!

RON:
(Chuckles)
Well things don’t materialize out of thin air, son. You want a car, you start saving the money up all over again.

SAM:
(Downcast)
But daaaa-ad!

RON:
No buts! You know the family motto; “no sacrifice, no victory”!

SAM:
Victory over what? What does that even mean?

RON:
(Shrugs)
I’m sure it’ll apply sometime in this movie.

(Ron goes back to reading a newspaper, Sam desperately looks to his mom, JUDY WITWICKY.)

SAM:
What about you, mom? Feel like buying my love today?

JUDY:
No, not today, dear. Try again when I’m drunk.

SAM:
(Grumbles)
But you’re such a mean drunk!

(Accepting his defeat, Sam walks outside, looking at the ground.)

SAM:
(To himself)
Friggin’ hell! As a red-blooded American teenager, it is well within my rights to expect something for nothing!

(Sam looks up suddenly and sees a strange beat-up yellow 1976 Camaro sitting in the driveway. He walks up to it and spies a note on the door. It reads “For you, Samuel James Witwicky”. Sam looks around, but no one is in evidence who might have dropped the car off. He looks to the sky.)

SAM:
(Yells)
About time, God!

(Nearly an hour later, Sam is driving his new, unexplained car to the lake. His best friend MILES is in the passenger seat. Miles makes Sam look like PRE-CRAZY TOM CRUISE in comparison, which makes it obvious why he is Sam’s best friend.)

SAM:
So once we get there, remember the plan; you immediately find shelter behind some high bushes and I impress Mikaela.

MILES:
Hellz no! I can get the lizzz-adies too!

SAM:
No you can’t.

MILES:
Dude, I was in Lords of Dogtown. I can get any girl I WANT. Chicks dig skateboarders, don’t they?

SAM:
Maybe in the mid-eighties. Maybe.

MILES:
C’mon, don’t be so negative! I know! How about we rope Mikaela into one of my ever-so delightful “get-rich-quick” schemes? Those always turn out unexpected and hilarious results!

SAM:
(Chuckles)
Yeah…I remember the last one. Silly Miles…squirrels can’t talk.

MILES:
But if they could, that plan woulda worked!

SAM:
Yeah…yeah. Oh, look- we’re here!

(Sam and Miles arrive at the LAKE. The LAKE is a body of water that is comparatively small when put next to an OCEAN. Teenagers gather there for recreational activities. Sam parks and he and Miles exit the car and walk up to a group of kids, chief among them Stock High School Bully Character # 87 and Mikaela.)

SAM:
(To Miles)
Remember, just play it cool and loose.

MILES:
Alaskan prostitute, gotcha.

(Stock High School Bully Character # 87 notices Sam and Miles approaching and scoffs.)

STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87:
Well, well. If it isn’t Sam Woeraggy and guest.

MILES:
(Trying to sound tough)
Yeah, you betcherass I rate “guest”.

SAM:
(Through gritted teeth)
Miles!

MILES:
What? Usually they just don’t acknowledge my existence! The title of “guest” is a step up!

(Sam and Miles walk over to a nearby tree as everyone watches. Suddenly, Miles jumps up on it and begins to climb it. Stock High School Bully Character # 87 walks up to Sam, watching Miles scale the tree.)

STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87:
(Sneers)
What’s your loser friend doing, Wanstevens? Is he trying to make friends with the tree? Because he doesn’t have any REAL friends, I bet he has to make friends with the tree! What’s it like to be friends with a friend who is friends with a tree because he doesn‘t have friends, Sam?

SAM:
Uh…good, I guess.

(Stock High School Bully Character # 87 stares at Sam for a few seconds, then scowls.)

STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87:
(Growls)
I’m getting sick of your snappy repartee, face-butt.

(Stock High School Bully Character # 87 turns and starts walking back towards his entourage and Mikaela.)

STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87:
C’mon, dudes. All of a sudden this place has got “dork” written all over it. Let’s get out of here.

(Sam looks crestfallen as Mikaela starts to leave. Miles hangs upside-down from the tree branch next to Sam.)

MILES:
What happened?

SAM:
(Glares)
I don’t know, but I’m blaming you.

(Over by Stock High School Bully Character # 87’s truck, Mikaela snatches his keys.)

MIKAELA:
Yo, lemme drive.

STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87:
A woman driver? What is this, 1953? Gimme those.

(He snatches the keys back. Mikaela looks all surly.)

MIKAELA:
Ya know, you may have large arms and tight abs, but I’m quickly finding out that does NOT make you a good person.

STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87:
Well, you can just walk home, you queer.

MIKAELA:
You know, people who call other people gay are often overcompensating for feelings of confusion about their own latent homosexuality.

STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87:
Well, I can assure you that isn’t the case here.

(Stock High School Bully Character # 87 and his male friends get in his truck.)

STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87:
C’mon, guys. Let’s all go play football, then take a shower together in the locker room, after which we’ll take turns snapping each other’s naked bottoms with wet towels.

RANDOM BULLY COHORT:
I’m gonna giggle more than you!

STOCK HIGH SCHOOL BULLY CHARACTER # 87:
Nuh-uh!

(They drive off. Mikaela sighs and turns to begin walking home. Cut over to Sam and Miles, sitting by the car.)

SAM:
Look…look! Mikaela’s walking home by herself! This could be my chance to be alone with her!

MILES:
It won’t work, Sam. I’m here, remember? Two’s company, but three’s a crowd. And four’s an orgy.

SAM:
(Bangs his fist against his car)
Dammit, we just can’t hit any of those even numbers, can we??

(Sam furrows his brow in frustration. He needs a way for him to be alone with Mikaela. But how? HOW? Suddenly, the radio in his new car turns on and starts playing a song.)

BUMBLEBEE’S RADIO:
(Plays the song “This Is Your One Chance, But First- Ditch The Loser!”)

SAM:
(Eyes widen)
Of COURSE!

(Sam turns to Miles.)

SAM:
Miles, get off the car. I’m leaving you here.

MILES:
What?? You can’t do that; that wasn’t in the plan! The plan we so rigorously laid out during the eleven-minute drive over here!

SAM:
You need to take a hit for the team here, Miles.

MILES:
(Fuming)
I’m always taking the hit for the team! When do YOU take a hit for the team??

SAM:
I told you; I’m saving my turn for something that I can stand to miss out on. Geez.

MILES:
Well, I guess when you put it that way…Godspeed, Samwise, Godspeed.

SAM:
(Gets in his car)
And remember to only call me that when we’re alone.

(Sam drives off in the direction Mikaela walked, leaving Miles behind. Moments later, he catches up to Mikaela walking alone and pulls up alongside her.)

SAM:
Erm, hey, Mikaela.

MIKAELA:
(Rolls her eyes)
For the last time, I’m a minor. So go away.

SAM:
Uh, no, Mikaela, it’s Sam Witwicky…I go to school with you.

(Mikaela turns to look at him.)

MIKAELA:
You…do?

SAM:
(Grins goofily)
Yeah.

MIKAELA:
Never seen you before…are you in special ed?

SAM:
(Frowns)
No, we have like…eight classes together.

MIKAELA:
Oh…how embarrassing for both of us.

SAM:
So, um…can I squire you home?

MIKAELA:
(Pauses)
Eh…okay. I guess I don’t have anything to lose…except my virginity. Again.

(Sam grins and pops the passenger-side door open. Mikaela gets in and they’re off. Minutes later they are on some country-esque road. Mikaela is staring out the window as Sam awkwardly attempts to start a conversation.)

SAM:
Errr, so…what happened with you and your boyfriend back there?

MIKAELA:
He’s not my boyfriend. He’s just a guy I go out with. I haven’t found anyone I want to go steady with yet.

SAM:
(Excited)
Oh yeah?? What do you feel about guys with Chihuahuas and their own car?

MIKAELA:
(Yawns)
Doesn’t especially impress me. What I’d want is a guy who has Bernie Mac’s autograph.

SAM:
Oh…yeah?

MIKAELA:
(Sighs dreamily)
Yeah, I’d do ANYTHING to a guy like that. Anything and everything. As soon as he showed it to me.

SAM:
I…see.

(Sam pulls the car over in a nearby field and opens his door. He gets out and turns back to Mikaela.)

SAM:
One moment please.

(Mikaela nods uninterestedly and looks at her nails. Sam begins walking away from the car. Once he’s about two-hundred feet away from the car, in the middle of the field, he throws up his arms to the sky and screams.)

SAM:
(Goes off)
$#%&#$&%&$&%&#&#$%&&#&$&#$&#&#%$!!!!

(Sam stalks around in a circle, spastically throwing his arms around, kicking up dust, and screaming. Mikaela appears not to notice or hear the outburst and just continues looking at her nails. Finally, Sam stalks back to the car and gets back in.)

SAM:
(Calmly)
Sorry. I just had to do something.

MIKAELA:
Right. Can you take me home now?

SAM:
(Sighs)
Sure.

(Sam turns the key, but the car won’t start.)

SAM:
What? Oh, c’mon!

(He keeps trying, but it won’t work. Sam bangs the steering wheel in frustration.)

MIKAELA:
Problem?

SAM:
Dammit, this mysterious car that I got for nothing has up and crapped-out on me! If this is supposed to be “ironic”, I am NOT amused!

MIKAELA:
(Sighs)
Pop the hood.

SAM:
(Dumbfounded)
Why?

MIKAELA:
(Gets out of the car)
Just do it.

(Sam does so and Mikaela takes a look at the engine. Sam joins her outside.)

MIKAELA:
Wow…this engine is more expensive than the whole car should be. Where’d you say you got this car?

SAM:
From nowhere. It was just in my yard and had my name on it.

MIKAELA:
And you just got in it and drove it without nary a second thought. What if there was a bomb in it??

SAM:
(Scoffs)
What if there WASN’T? Then I’d look like an idiot.

MIKAELA:
(Sighs)
Well, this is a beautiful piece of work.

(Mikaela leans further over the engine, somewhat unintentionally accentuating her “assets”. Sam stares at her slender, taut form as she examines the engine. Without looking at Sam, she indicates parts of the engine block.)

MIKAELA:
(Motioning to something)
See that? That provides extra thrust.

SAM:
(Not looking where she is indicating)
Thrust, got it.

MIKAELA:
(Motions to something else)
And that squirts the fuel in faster.

SAM:
(Still staring elsewhere)
Squirts faster, yup.

MIKAELA:
(Motions to another part)
Oh, and this part also has blatantly-sexual overtones in the description of its function too.

SAM:
(Snaps out of it)
Huh?

(Suddenly, the car turns back on and the radio comes to life.)

BUMBLEBEE’S RADIO:
(Plays the song “The Car Works Now, So Shut Your Pieholes And Get In!”)

SAM:
Hmm, it started by itself.

MIKAELA:
Good. I must of fixed it somehow.

SAM:
Huh? How?

MIKAELA:
Oh…you know…somehow.

SAM:
How would you know how to do somehow?

MIKAELA:
Well…my dad, he was kind of a mechanic of sorts…and he taught me a lot about fixing cars.

SAM:
Huh, what a random, seemingly-inconsequential factlet.

(A short time later, Sam has brought Mikaela to her house. The two search awkwardly for words before parting ways.)

MIKAELA:
So, thanks, Sam. For the ride…and such.

SAM:
Hey, anytime. Just consider me your personal taxi service. Get so horribly wasted at a party that you don’t know what’s what? Just call me and I’ll come get you.

MIKAELA:
(Smiles)
That’s sweet of you. Most guys are only interested in one thing.

SAM:
(Smiles)
Not me; I’m interested in two things!

(Mikaela exits the car and turns back to lean in the window, once again “accidentally” putting her neckline in Sam’s line of vision.)

MIKAELA:
Do you…think I’m shallow?

SAM:
(Staring at her chest)
Uh, no…I think…I think you’re more than meets the…boobs…

MIKAELA:
(Chuckles)
You’re a strange boy, Sam Watznelson. Seeya at school.

(Mikaela runs to her door and waves back to Sam, who returns it. Once Mikaela is inside, Sam lets out a giddy laugh.)

SAM:
That went SO well! And I owe it all to this new, wondrous car of mine!

(The car’s radio switches on.)

BUMBLEBEE’S RADIO:
(Plays the song “You’re Welcome, You Sweaty, Unpleasant, Little Meat Doll”.)

SAM:
(Laughs)
I love this thing!

(Sam drives off, headed for home.)

-

(We’re in QATAR again, which is NOT in America. Captain Lennox’s unit trudges wearily across a desert landscape and comes to rest near an outpost. They’ve been running all night. Figueroa seems especially agitated.)

FIGUEROA:
Man oh man, this isn’t over. I can tell this isn’t over.

EPPS:
Huh? How come?

FIGUEROA:
(Nervously)
My mother, she had the “gift“, you know? She…saw things. And I’ve got that gene too…something’s following us…I can-

LENNOX:
(Interrupts)
Fig, please. This isn’t the second grade- you don’t need to explain things. It’s common knowledge that all foreign people have magical powers.

DONNELLY:
(Matter of fact-ly)
Yeah. Dominicans have psychic powers, Mexicans have super-speed, and the British talk and read much gooder than us.

EPPS:
(Rolls eyes)
Oh, for crying out loud.

(Lennox surveys the landscape. He spots a small village about a mile off.)

LENNOX:
Okay, assuming Fig’s right, we should probably head to that village. If there is something chasing us, it’ll be a lot easier to fight off over there.

EPPS:
What?? But one of the basic tenets of standard warfare, not to mention common decency, states that, if possible, one should avoid populated areas in combat situations to reduce the risk of civilian casualties and collateral damage!

LENNOX:
(Rolls eyes)
Same old “rulebook” Epps. When are you gonna loosen up and be like the rest of us, livin’ on the edge?

EPPS:
Man, I-

LENNOX:
(Interrupts)
I don’t have time for your “common sense” right now! We’re headed to the village and that’s final! Fall in!

(Lennox’s team lines up and he begins to assign them roles.)

LENNOX:
Epps, take point! Fig, right flank! Fat, Tattooed, Nameless Guy, you just continue being fat, tattooed, and nameless! Donnelly, middle of the pack! And giant robot scorpion, you cover our rear!

(Lennox turns around to lead, then suddenly turns halfway back in confusion.)

LENNOX:
Wait A SECOND! There’s no giant robot scorpion in my squad!

(Lennox turns around just as SCORPONOK shrieks in Cybertronian and violently impales Donnelly through the back on his tail.)

SCORPONOK:
(Subtitled)
WAZZZZZUPPPPPP???

EPPS:
(Panicked)
Holy ZOINKS!

(The team scatters, having EPICALLY failed to notice the GIANT ROBOT SCORPION in their midst. Scorponok jerks Donnelly’s limp body in the air over him as he eagerly snaps at the air with his pincers. He speaks in Cybertronian again.)

SCORPONOK:
(Subtitled)
This is how my species greets one another! I assumed it was the same with you flesh-totes.

(Donnelly looks up weakly, dying.)

DONNELLY:
(Hacks out)
I was…too good for this world.

(Donnelly slumps over and dies as Lennox’s team gets it together and starts firing wildly on Scorponok.)

LENNOX:
Pour it on! Shoot!!!

(Scorponok throws Donnelly’s body away and shields himself with his arms as hundreds of bullets stream into him. Most of them just ricochet off, but Scorponok clearly is in some discomfort. He shrieks in Cybertronian.)

SCORPONOK:
(Subtitled)
Ow, OW! That kinda hurts! Dammit, if this is how you guys greet a new friend, you can stop now!

(But Lennox’s team continues firing. Soon, it becomes apparent that they can’t stop Scorponok.)

LENNOX:
(Calls out)
Retreat! Fall back to the village!

(Scorponok turns towards Lennox and shrieks again.)

SCORPONOK:
(Subtitled)
You! You’re the leader! If I befriend you, the others will fall into line!

(Scorponok lunges at Lennox, his tail striking forward. Lennox just barely manages to avoid and roll away. He runs by Scorponok and joins his team as they run frantically towards the village. Scorponok turns around and sees them retreating.)

SCORPONOK:
(Subtitled)
No! New friends- don’t run! I haven’t greeted you all properly yet!

(Scorponok dives into the sand and is off in hot pursuit of Lennox and co. When they are very close to the village, Scorponok bursts out of the sand behind them.)

SCORPONOK:
(Subtitled)
LOOOOOVE MEEEEE!!!

(The humans keep running as Scorponok falls back into the sand again. Finally, they reach the village and dive behind some makeshift barriers, as Scorponok leaps out of the sand again and is immediately showered with bullets once more. Lennox runs into a nearby home to call Washington DC. Minutes later in WASHINGTON DC, at the PENTAGON in the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, which is located in NORTH AMERICA, Pretend-secretary of defense JON VOIGHT and Maggie Madsen are walking down a HALLWAY to get to the WAR ROOM.)

JON VOIGHT:
(Enters war room)
What’s going on here?

RANDOM COM. JOCKEY:
Sir! We’re getting word from a squad of troops in Qatar! They say they escaped the base attack and have evidence of what attacked them! It was giant alien robots!

JON VOIGHT:
I knew it! Can we see them?

RANDOM COM. JOCKEY:
Satellite imaging is on…now!

(An image of Scorponok skittering about in the desert is shown, while Lennox’s crew unload countless rounds into it. Voight’s eyes narrow in recognition.)

JON VOIGHT:
Good…GOD! Wasn’t that thing in “Power Rangers: The Movie”?

(Maggie walks up beside him, also looking at the satellite feed.)

MAGGIE:
Crikey! I think you’re roight!

JON VOIGHT:
(To Maggie, admonishingly)
That’s pronounced “Voight”. “VOIGHT”.

RANDOM COM. JOCKEY:
(Turns around to regard the secretary)
Should we recruit of team of teenagers?

JON VOIGHT:
(Nods sternly)
-With ATTITUDE.

(Cut back to Qatar, where the fight against Scorponok continues. Scorponok frantically skitters around in a circle, shielding himself as best he can from the bullets. Figueroa furiously empties clips into the alien robot from behind a nearby rock.)

FIGUEROA:
(Screams)
Prueba el picar cruel de mis balas, arana metal de mierda!!!

(Scorponok shrieks aloud in pain.)

SCORPONOK:
(Subtitled)
Dammit, why does everything I try to impale end up hating me??

(Back at the Pentagon, JON VOIGHT springs into ACTION.)

JON VOIGHT:
Send those men air support! Bomb that thing back into the stone age! Spare no expense!

(After about another ten minutes of random thrashing about by Scorponok, during which time neither side tries to gain any ground, a bunch of American bombers fly into the combat zone and expend a year’s worth of the USA’s military budget in ten seconds, showering Scorponok in ammo. But nada.)

EPPS:
(On radio)
Use sabot rounds! Bring the rain!

LENNOX:
Oh, they’ll “bring it” all right.

EPPS:
Stuff is gonna get BROUGHT.

LENNOX:
That metal monster is gonna be sorry after what they’ve BRUNG.

(After about another 30 seconds of so forth and so on from Lennox and Epps, the bombers hit Scorponok with sabot shells, attempting to kill him in the most humane way possible.)

SCORPONOK:
(Subtitled)
AIIIGGGGGGHHHH!!! MY SKIN IS MELTING!!! AND THE MELTING SKIN IS COATING MY INSIDES! IT BURNSSSAAAIGGHH!!!

(Scorponok jerks around wildly in pain and fires a missile off, which hits right near Figueroa and sends him flying into the air. Then, painfully, Scorponok slowly burrows into the ground again and retreats, leaving his severed tail behind. The battle is over. Lennox and team run over to the downed Figueroa, who appears to be dying or SOMETHING.)

LENNOX:
(Kneels down next to Fig)
Fig?

FIGUEROA:
(Weakly)
Ugh, cap…I’m dying…or…or something!

LENNOX:
(Frowns)
Well, which is it, Fig? Dying OR something? Cuz’ if it’s “something” you are NOT getting sick leave.

(Figueroa hacks up a large pool of blood. Epps stands over Lennox’s shoulder.)

EPPS:
Yeah…I think he’s dying.

LENNOX:
(Looks to sky and screams unconvincingly)
Noooooooooooo!

(Cut back to the Pentagon, where Jon Voight issues some orders.)

JON VOIGHT:
Get those men Stateside, immediately. We need to analyze the remains of that thing and determine how best to fight a race of giant metal robot alien scorpions.

(Voight turns around to regard Maggie, as ANTHONY ANDERSON is escorted into the room by guards.)

JON VOIGHT:
Well, Steve Irwin, we got Anthony Anderson here. This better be worth it.

MAGGIE:
Trust meah, Anthany will be aible to find a weahkness in these alien robots, mate.

(Voight turns to regard Anderson.)

JON VOIGHT:
Son, we’re gonna have you working round the clock, trying to break alien computer code and the standard-like that you hacker dweebs do in movies like this.

ANTHONY ANDERSON:
Look, I told the guys who came to my house, I can’t do it! I’m a fat black dude in a Michael Bay flick! It’s hard…to…think!

JON VOIGHT:
Well, at least we’ll probably get some comedy relief out of you. Here’s some food.

(Jon Voight hands Anthony a plate of donuts. He immediately takes it.)

ANTHONY ANDERSON:
(Excited)
Oh boy, food!

(He begins eating as Jon Voight laughs.)

JON VOIGHT:
Ha! Excellent! You guys get to work and be sure to take up a lot of screen time. Because everyone came to see YOUR antics, not giant robots fighting each other in spectacular CGI.

TO BE CONTINUED!

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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 12:59 pm 
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Determined Shonen Hero
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Joined: Mon Aug 21, 2006 6:39 pm
Posts: 4431
Location: A blue City in a red State
OH GAWD, that's f'ing priceless.
"Why does everything I impale end up hating me?"

Scorponok is made of so much EPIC WIN in this...

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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007 4:48 pm 
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Newtype Emo Guy

Joined: Wed Dec 06, 2006 5:07 pm
Posts: 302
Location: Somewhere in Kansas
:lol: I can't wait to see what happens when the other Autobots arrive.

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 Post subject:
 Post Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2007 12:01 am 
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OMG Doomsday Laser

Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2007 7:24 pm
Posts: 1289
Location: Near Rockets
Charismatic Enigma wrote:
:lol: I can't wait to see what happens when the other Autobots arrive.


"This human appears to want to mate with the other one."

For the WIN! :P

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