The year is A.D. 2115. The United Nations has fallen and only the elite control Earth and the colonies. NATO has risin and rules earth and the colonies with an iron fist. Using advanced wepons called Mobile Suits rebelious forces from Africa, Asia, and South America begin a war of independece. A young space pirate and a advanced Gundam Esperanza created by the colonists is a symbol of hope for the people.
Chapter One
3 young men are captured by the NATO space forces near the colony Neo Lagos. "Chill why do you have to be so rough?" " You 3 are very lucky your not oredered dead." "Yeah but you didn't have to throw us in this damn cell." The door closes shut. "I wonder when we will get out. Or if we ever get out. Alex how are you doing with the lock?" "Almost opened." "Yo Mario." "Yeah?" "How much do you think we would of gotten for that suit?" "300 grand, 400 grand." "It would of been enough to retaire from beign a pirate."
"You know I would like Rich?" "What?" "A home." "Thats all I want." "I wonder what my mom would be doing right now." "Your lucky to have meet your mother. All I know is that I was born on Earth." Large explosin is herd. "What the hell!" "Alex hurry up and pick that lock" "Almost done don't rush me!" Running is herd in the halls. The scene is changed to the bridge. "Captain the ship's engine has been hit" "Engine nuber two is on fire" "Connect me with that ship" "Yes Sir"
Mobile Suit Gundam: El Salvador
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marito yuy
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ShadowCell
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Um. I think you're gonna have to go back to the drawing board and hammer out the fundamental elements of writing before you go any further.
Spelling - Run a spellchecker over this thing. Typos happen, but with no more effort than it takes to call Geico and save money on your car insurance, you can take care of some of those typos. Going over your work to proofread it and weed out more typos will also help. Having someone else read it will help even more. And lots of typos all over the place are extremely detracting from the overall work.
Grammar - Before we go anywhere into this minefield, one thing: when you're writing dialogue, you start a new paragraph every time someone different speaks. It's extremely difficult to tell who is saying what without it. You also neglected to include any "he said" "she said" tags, which are especially vital if you're introducing us to characters. This isn't animation, where we can look at characters' faces--you're using text, which means you have to describe everything to us in words, such as who is speaking.
Beyond that, you need to take a look at punctuation and tense. For example, the following lines:
Tense also needs a looking at. I notice that the whole thing is written in present tense. Most prose like this is written in past tense (as in "Three young men were captured by the NATO space forces...", etc), so your readers might find it a bit odd to see the whole story written in present tense, especially when there's no particular reason to.
As for your storyline itself, this is way too short for me to make even a preliminary judgment. I can deal with the idea of a space pirate using a Gundam in a future world ruled by a tyrannical version of NATO, because it offers potential to at the very least create an entertaining story, if it's handled right--although the emotion this story is supposed to evoke from the reader depends very much on what kind of story you want it to be, and I see no indication of that so far. As well, using the real-world-esque political/military blocs of North America and Europe can lead to some interesting things, as well as pitting Africa, Asia, and South America against them, which offers the potential for characters that break the standard ethnic mold of Gundam characters. But maybe you'll go a different direction; who knows.
However, the problem here is that you're creating a new Gundam timeline of your own, but offering us no real setup outside of a few summarizing lines before the beginning of the first chapter. This is a new world; you need to paint that new world for us through the beginning of the story, the exposition. That's where you introduce us to the world in which this story is taking place, some of the characters (not necessarily all of them), the situation, the context in which the story is taking place. If you were writing a Gundam fanfic that was set in the Universal Century or the Cosmic Era or whatever, then you wouldn't need such a vivid exposition, because it's taking place in a world that we're already (presumably) familiar with. But this story is taking place in a different world, and as the writer, you need to set that world up for us. For that purpose, this first chapter was way, way too short. You essentially threw us right into the mix of the action without any kind of explanation as to the setting, aside from a blurb at the beginning that doesn't really accomplish that goal.
Finally, the biggest missing thing is detail. There is, like, none of it. Again, this isn't animation, so we can't look at the pretty pictures and see what everything looks like and what's going on that way. You need to offer those descriptions in the text. The other extreme of this is to provide too much detail, so don't do that either--give us enough description to be able to tell what's going on here, and to be able to appreciate this world and its plotline and characters that you're writing about, but not so much as to bog us down in detail. A beta reader or a critical reading of your own should go a long way in getting you there.
Spelling - Run a spellchecker over this thing. Typos happen, but with no more effort than it takes to call Geico and save money on your car insurance, you can take care of some of those typos. Going over your work to proofread it and weed out more typos will also help. Having someone else read it will help even more. And lots of typos all over the place are extremely detracting from the overall work.
Grammar - Before we go anywhere into this minefield, one thing: when you're writing dialogue, you start a new paragraph every time someone different speaks. It's extremely difficult to tell who is saying what without it. You also neglected to include any "he said" "she said" tags, which are especially vital if you're introducing us to characters. This isn't animation, where we can look at characters' faces--you're using text, which means you have to describe everything to us in words, such as who is speaking.
Beyond that, you need to take a look at punctuation and tense. For example, the following lines:
should be written like this:"Alex hurry up and pick that lock" "Almost done don't rush me!"
or something to that effect."Alex, hurry up and pick that lock!"
"Almost done! Don't rush me!"
Tense also needs a looking at. I notice that the whole thing is written in present tense. Most prose like this is written in past tense (as in "Three young men were captured by the NATO space forces...", etc), so your readers might find it a bit odd to see the whole story written in present tense, especially when there's no particular reason to.
As for your storyline itself, this is way too short for me to make even a preliminary judgment. I can deal with the idea of a space pirate using a Gundam in a future world ruled by a tyrannical version of NATO, because it offers potential to at the very least create an entertaining story, if it's handled right--although the emotion this story is supposed to evoke from the reader depends very much on what kind of story you want it to be, and I see no indication of that so far. As well, using the real-world-esque political/military blocs of North America and Europe can lead to some interesting things, as well as pitting Africa, Asia, and South America against them, which offers the potential for characters that break the standard ethnic mold of Gundam characters. But maybe you'll go a different direction; who knows.
However, the problem here is that you're creating a new Gundam timeline of your own, but offering us no real setup outside of a few summarizing lines before the beginning of the first chapter. This is a new world; you need to paint that new world for us through the beginning of the story, the exposition. That's where you introduce us to the world in which this story is taking place, some of the characters (not necessarily all of them), the situation, the context in which the story is taking place. If you were writing a Gundam fanfic that was set in the Universal Century or the Cosmic Era or whatever, then you wouldn't need such a vivid exposition, because it's taking place in a world that we're already (presumably) familiar with. But this story is taking place in a different world, and as the writer, you need to set that world up for us. For that purpose, this first chapter was way, way too short. You essentially threw us right into the mix of the action without any kind of explanation as to the setting, aside from a blurb at the beginning that doesn't really accomplish that goal.
Finally, the biggest missing thing is detail. There is, like, none of it. Again, this isn't animation, so we can't look at the pretty pictures and see what everything looks like and what's going on that way. You need to offer those descriptions in the text. The other extreme of this is to provide too much detail, so don't do that either--give us enough description to be able to tell what's going on here, and to be able to appreciate this world and its plotline and characters that you're writing about, but not so much as to bog us down in detail. A beta reader or a critical reading of your own should go a long way in getting you there.
Yeah dude seriously, you cannot expect a four or six or how ever many it was lines to be called a significant chapter, go back and try again, and besides it was super difficult to read
See, Lunamaria? Stop the dillying, and the dallying will soon follow. It’s a good lesson for you to learn regarding children. It’ll be useful after the war when you and Shinn get married and adopt me.