If I changed the ending, I already have an idea. It just seems like I wouldn't know when to quit if I kept on going, especially after vaporizing the world. That kind of writes finis to everything.
And I've never seen EVA.
Mobile Suit Gundam SEED DESTINY Alternate Universe
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ShadowCell
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Folken Fanel
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Let's just say you two would get along.
Mobile Suit Gundam: Neo
It's common knowledge that 99.99% of users on Youtube are ZOINKING idiots.
It's common knowledge that 99.99% of users on Youtube are ZOINKING idiots.
You enjoyed killing off Kira, didn't you? Well, I said it before and I'll say it again, 'protagonist turning evil' is always something that feels forced at best, but you did about as good a job as any and a lot better then most.
Wow, you killed off....everyone, didn't you? Mwu, Murrue, Yzak, Lacus, Andy, Deakka, Shiho, Sai....yup, I think everyone's present and accounted for.
I think you should have spent more time with Valentine's sudden change of heart, from wanting to destroy the world to, in a twisted way, agreeing with Kira. Did I miss something in the rest of the fic, or will it be explained in the prologues?
I really think that this story needs an epilogue, as the ending is too 'Zeta Gundam' for me; fine if you are going to do a sequel/follow up story, but as it is, it just leaves more to tell. It could be anything, Shinn dies an old man with grand-kids on his knee, Rau's nihilist cult destroys the world as Shinn watches, but it needs something. But simply, 'everyone dies' is just too, bleh.
Wow, you killed off....everyone, didn't you? Mwu, Murrue, Yzak, Lacus, Andy, Deakka, Shiho, Sai....yup, I think everyone's present and accounted for.
I think you should have spent more time with Valentine's sudden change of heart, from wanting to destroy the world to, in a twisted way, agreeing with Kira. Did I miss something in the rest of the fic, or will it be explained in the prologues?
I really think that this story needs an epilogue, as the ending is too 'Zeta Gundam' for me; fine if you are going to do a sequel/follow up story, but as it is, it just leaves more to tell. It could be anything, Shinn dies an old man with grand-kids on his knee, Rau's nihilist cult destroys the world as Shinn watches, but it needs something. But simply, 'everyone dies' is just too, bleh.
I mean when you spend precious seconds to give an "All Your Nukes Are Belong To Us" speech before you even start the Gundam up, you know you're too overzealous for your own good.~wza
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Draco Starcloud
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There's always Mars. They're well-off enough to be sending over to Earth a battleship, a Gundam, and that funky Guardshell MA.
Draco's Lair - Latest Update: 1/9/10Chris wrote:IMMA CHARGIN MAH MAHQ @_@
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ShadowCell
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Immensely. =DGambit01 wrote:You enjoyed killing off Kira, didn't you?
Phase 05 of "The Power to Protect" is up. I usually get two days a week where I have a couple of hours to sit down and work on this thing (my schedule PWNS kthxbai), so I should be done with this next week, barring either any unforseen circumstances or any unforseen free time later this week. And then I can move on to another one of the prequels.
I first noticed this thread and this fic about four or so days ago, when you posted to say that you had finished it. I've read the entire thing since then, and I have to say I am quite impressed. You've done a wonderful job of rebuilding Destiny.
My only major complaint is that it seems like Kira tears apart the Impulse, the Kasselheim defenders, and the Kasselheim itself far more quickly and easily that his earlier performance against Shinn would suggest he was capable of. It feels abrupt, as if the entire reason for the Freedom's triumph is so that you have an excuse for further emotional development for Shinn. Well, that might actually be the reason, but the reader shouldn't be able to tell that that's the reason.
I think it's kind of funny that one of the major criticisms of SEED is that the large numbers of flashy new gundams drown out the story, but here you have managed to fit even MORE flashy new suits (Mustang, Calypso, Judicator, Apocalypse, the nigh-mythical Goliath), more gundamjacking, and more apocalyptic superweapons (see Solomon's Sword) while still doing a MUCH better job of character development, particularly with the brilliant introduction of the pirates. I had guessed that Shinn would immediately go over to the Orb Marauders after his desertion and become just another pacifist with a gundam, but having him join up with pirates instead was a wonderful move.
I can't wait to read the prequels.
My only major complaint is that it seems like Kira tears apart the Impulse, the Kasselheim defenders, and the Kasselheim itself far more quickly and easily that his earlier performance against Shinn would suggest he was capable of. It feels abrupt, as if the entire reason for the Freedom's triumph is so that you have an excuse for further emotional development for Shinn. Well, that might actually be the reason, but the reader shouldn't be able to tell that that's the reason.
I think it's kind of funny that one of the major criticisms of SEED is that the large numbers of flashy new gundams drown out the story, but here you have managed to fit even MORE flashy new suits (Mustang, Calypso, Judicator, Apocalypse, the nigh-mythical Goliath), more gundamjacking, and more apocalyptic superweapons (see Solomon's Sword) while still doing a MUCH better job of character development, particularly with the brilliant introduction of the pirates. I had guessed that Shinn would immediately go over to the Orb Marauders after his desertion and become just another pacifist with a gundam, but having him join up with pirates instead was a wonderful move.
I can't wait to read the prequels.
Don't call it a comeback...
...in fact, it's best if you forget I was ever here before.
...in fact, it's best if you forget I was ever here before.
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ShadowCell
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ShadowCell
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Phase 02 of "Pain" is up.
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ShadowCell
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Phase 03 of "Pain" is up. Phase 04 is almost done as well, so that should be going up sometime soon.
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Janx_Dolaris
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ShadowCell
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GAT-X135 Judicator Gundam
Equipment and design features: sensors, range unknown; Phase Shift (PS) armor, protects unit from ballistic and blade attacks; N-Jammer Canceller, negates effects of N-Jammer; signal flare launcher x 2, mounted in hands; link wire x 2, mounted in hands
Fixed Armaments: "Igelstellung" 75mm automatic CIWS x 2, fire-linked, mounted in head; ESR01B/K beam saber x 2, stored in recharge racks in hip armor, hand-carried in use; QX-B15A beam shield x 2, mounted on forearms; GDR-X1 20mm beam Gatling x 2, mounted on shoulders; GAU-MB1X 50mm beam cannon x 4, mounted on forearms; CQR-M49 10-tube micromissile launcher x 4, mounted on shoulders and legs; M20D8 dual 35mm swivel-action beam assault cannon x 4, mounted on shoulders and legs; M105B 85mm railgun x 2, mounted on hip armor; GAU-M57A dual 45mm assault machinegun x 2, mounted in chest; "Zorn" 100mm energy cannon, mounted on head; "Scylla" 580mm multi-phase energy cannon, mounted in chest
Optional Hand Armaments: M958C 57mm beam carbine x 2, can be stored on hip armor; ARM-BD3X77 "Judicator" 680mm hyper impulse cannon
The only place I can recall hearing the word "judicator" from is as the name of one of the Star Destroyers in Timothy Zahn's first three Star Wars novels, so that's where I know I got it from. I don't recall seeing it anywhere else, but if I have run across your using it and unconsciously jacked it, I apologize.
Equipment and design features: sensors, range unknown; Phase Shift (PS) armor, protects unit from ballistic and blade attacks; N-Jammer Canceller, negates effects of N-Jammer; signal flare launcher x 2, mounted in hands; link wire x 2, mounted in hands
Fixed Armaments: "Igelstellung" 75mm automatic CIWS x 2, fire-linked, mounted in head; ESR01B/K beam saber x 2, stored in recharge racks in hip armor, hand-carried in use; QX-B15A beam shield x 2, mounted on forearms; GDR-X1 20mm beam Gatling x 2, mounted on shoulders; GAU-MB1X 50mm beam cannon x 4, mounted on forearms; CQR-M49 10-tube micromissile launcher x 4, mounted on shoulders and legs; M20D8 dual 35mm swivel-action beam assault cannon x 4, mounted on shoulders and legs; M105B 85mm railgun x 2, mounted on hip armor; GAU-M57A dual 45mm assault machinegun x 2, mounted in chest; "Zorn" 100mm energy cannon, mounted on head; "Scylla" 580mm multi-phase energy cannon, mounted in chest
Optional Hand Armaments: M958C 57mm beam carbine x 2, can be stored on hip armor; ARM-BD3X77 "Judicator" 680mm hyper impulse cannon
The only place I can recall hearing the word "judicator" from is as the name of one of the Star Destroyers in Timothy Zahn's first three Star Wars novels, so that's where I know I got it from. I don't recall seeing it anywhere else, but if I have run across your using it and unconsciously jacked it, I apologize.
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Janx_Dolaris
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ShadowCell
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I read the title and topic and was kinda interested. I mean, I too was seriously disappointed in how Gundam Seed Destiny changed pace so quickly and didn't keep up its initially exciting (imho) pace.
However, I skipped ahead and saw some of the newtype babble which I must admit didn't appeal to me at all. I always liked how UC left newtypes being a mystery and didn't go all wierd with it.
Then I thought to myself that it was unfair to so quickly judge a carefully thought-out storyline and then proceeded to read it from the beginning. Only at chapter 9 now but I have to admit that it's quite a good read. The focus on newtypes is somewhat wierd but not really jarring...though the mention of Amuro, Char and Lalah was very forced.
You've got quite the knack when it comes to describing mobilesuit battles though. Very nice!
I applaud you for your efforts though because it's been highly entertaining so far.
Will this ever be in doujinshi format?
However, I skipped ahead and saw some of the newtype babble which I must admit didn't appeal to me at all. I always liked how UC left newtypes being a mystery and didn't go all wierd with it.
Then I thought to myself that it was unfair to so quickly judge a carefully thought-out storyline and then proceeded to read it from the beginning. Only at chapter 9 now but I have to admit that it's quite a good read. The focus on newtypes is somewhat wierd but not really jarring...though the mention of Amuro, Char and Lalah was very forced.
You've got quite the knack when it comes to describing mobilesuit battles though. Very nice!
I applaud you for your efforts though because it's been highly entertaining so far.
Will this ever be in doujinshi format?
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ShadowCell
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Unfortunately, as I read this fanfic, it became more of a chore than a joy.
Not to say that you've not some very nice writing skills because you really do but you've pushed some elements way too far.
I'd suggest making the battles seem less dragged out. Express focus is placed only on the main characters having any sort of skill and they only had problems with large masses of grunts...which became a much smaller problem as the story progressed....suffice to say, after seeing it all in GSD and after reading your opening comments to make a fanfic that would be far beyond anything GSD was.....I did not take nicely to it.
The use of Shinn as a newtype and in fact the use of newtypes was nothing but irritating. I suppose it is just my own preference though because I've grown used to the newtype element of the Gundam stories being a subdued element (except in Gundam X) but your fanfic really pushed it....
The ending sermons between Kira and Shinn was so silly I couldn't believe it. I'm honestly sure that that must have been even longer than the combined speeches Amuro and Char had between 0079 and 0093.
Also, the ending of your fanfic seems a rehash of the ending of G Gundam, F91 Gundam, First Gundam and Gundam SEED. Perhaps that's just another pet peeve of mine though.
There are several brilliant aspects of your fanfic though. For instance, the use of Destroy Gundams is great as is the obvious and exploited vulnerability of the main characters (however, Dullindal, Talia and Lacus all died in completely ridiculous fashions). The characterisation of the main characters is also 100%. I must say that I undersood those characters much better than the original's portrayal of them.
Terribly sorry if I sound like a dick but I'm just giving you my opinion and definitely not trying to attack you (anymore than critiquing your work is attacking you that is. I sincerely hope you can realise I'm talking about your work and not you, yourself.) at all.
Overall, my final analysis is that your fanfic does deliver. I give it a B+ however I think there was way too much put into the fanfic...as if you tried too hard to make it good rather than tell a story. In my humble opinion, you only slightly missed getting an A...particularly because of the above things I pointed out.
Not to say that you've not some very nice writing skills because you really do but you've pushed some elements way too far.
I'd suggest making the battles seem less dragged out. Express focus is placed only on the main characters having any sort of skill and they only had problems with large masses of grunts...which became a much smaller problem as the story progressed....suffice to say, after seeing it all in GSD and after reading your opening comments to make a fanfic that would be far beyond anything GSD was.....I did not take nicely to it.
The use of Shinn as a newtype and in fact the use of newtypes was nothing but irritating. I suppose it is just my own preference though because I've grown used to the newtype element of the Gundam stories being a subdued element (except in Gundam X) but your fanfic really pushed it....
The ending sermons between Kira and Shinn was so silly I couldn't believe it. I'm honestly sure that that must have been even longer than the combined speeches Amuro and Char had between 0079 and 0093.
Also, the ending of your fanfic seems a rehash of the ending of G Gundam, F91 Gundam, First Gundam and Gundam SEED. Perhaps that's just another pet peeve of mine though.
There are several brilliant aspects of your fanfic though. For instance, the use of Destroy Gundams is great as is the obvious and exploited vulnerability of the main characters (however, Dullindal, Talia and Lacus all died in completely ridiculous fashions). The characterisation of the main characters is also 100%. I must say that I undersood those characters much better than the original's portrayal of them.
Terribly sorry if I sound like a dick but I'm just giving you my opinion and definitely not trying to attack you (anymore than critiquing your work is attacking you that is. I sincerely hope you can realise I'm talking about your work and not you, yourself.) at all.
Overall, my final analysis is that your fanfic does deliver. I give it a B+ however I think there was way too much put into the fanfic...as if you tried too hard to make it good rather than tell a story. In my humble opinion, you only slightly missed getting an A...particularly because of the above things I pointed out.
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ShadowCell
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How so?jam! wrote:I suppose it is just my own preference though because I've grown used to the newtype element of the Gundam stories being a subdued element (except in Gundam X) but your fanfic really pushed it....
What made them so silly, then?The ending sermons between Kira and Shinn was so silly I couldn't believe it. I'm honestly sure that that must have been even longer than the combined speeches Amuro and Char had between 0079 and 0093.
...um, how's the ending a rehash of G Gundam, F91, and all the others, all at once?Also, the ending of your fanfic seems a rehash of the ending of G Gundam, F91 Gundam, First Gundam and Gundam SEED. Perhaps that's just another pet peeve of mine though.
The concept of the Dark History was what really pushed it for me. It's enough that there are the masked people walking around but to reference directly back to all the UC storylines by directly mentioning Amuro and Char was , in my opinion, making the story far too recognizable as a fanfiction and not a work on its own.
Also....Turn A Gundam had the concept already so it was as if GSD was borrowing yet another used concept.
Since the Dark History was linked to newtypes and there were loads of paragraphs which placed heavy emphasis on the empathic nature of Shinn's newtype abilities.....it began to feel less like Gundam and more like a Super-Robot show.
Kira and Shinn bellowing at one another about how right they were and whatnot was simply silly. Sure they've got their own pains and mental burdens from the war but to have them battling as bitterly as they did and spew out speechs like they did was amazing especially considering they were repeating themselves.
In other words, Kira and Shinn seemed to be fighting for some ideal of peace which is a concept which grated the nerves of many Gundam fans as they watched GSD because that's exactly what the Three Ship's Alliance was doing. No longer was it military vs. military but ideal vs. ideal. No longer was the war seeming tragic and unnecessary......just silly.
All of those shows have their endings with the protagonist floating in space someways from his mobile suit (Gundam) with the love of his life/his friends either approaching or in his arms. This is all shortly after massive destruction has been wrought across the Earth system and the antagonist has been eradicated/defeated by the protagonist.
For all the work you did, I guess I expected a more original ending.
However, this is all just my opinion, so please take it with a grain of salt. It's meant as a critique...not an attack.
Also....Turn A Gundam had the concept already so it was as if GSD was borrowing yet another used concept.
Since the Dark History was linked to newtypes and there were loads of paragraphs which placed heavy emphasis on the empathic nature of Shinn's newtype abilities.....it began to feel less like Gundam and more like a Super-Robot show.
Kira and Shinn bellowing at one another about how right they were and whatnot was simply silly. Sure they've got their own pains and mental burdens from the war but to have them battling as bitterly as they did and spew out speechs like they did was amazing especially considering they were repeating themselves.
In other words, Kira and Shinn seemed to be fighting for some ideal of peace which is a concept which grated the nerves of many Gundam fans as they watched GSD because that's exactly what the Three Ship's Alliance was doing. No longer was it military vs. military but ideal vs. ideal. No longer was the war seeming tragic and unnecessary......just silly.
All of those shows have their endings with the protagonist floating in space someways from his mobile suit (Gundam) with the love of his life/his friends either approaching or in his arms. This is all shortly after massive destruction has been wrought across the Earth system and the antagonist has been eradicated/defeated by the protagonist.
For all the work you did, I guess I expected a more original ending.
However, this is all just my opinion, so please take it with a grain of salt. It's meant as a critique...not an attack.
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Thundermuffin
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Imo, it was rushed.
They were both undoubtedly important characters and it came across more as a quick way to get rid of both of them.
I forgot to mention that the ease with which the protagonists stole the new ZAFT and EA gundams and then quickly adapted to them in combat was simply astonishing.
All that said though, and after re-reading some chapters in order to make this post more unbiased, I'll have to up my ranking of this fanfic to an "A".
You really did achieve what you set out to do.
Great work.
They were both undoubtedly important characters and it came across more as a quick way to get rid of both of them.
I forgot to mention that the ease with which the protagonists stole the new ZAFT and EA gundams and then quickly adapted to them in combat was simply astonishing.
All that said though, and after re-reading some chapters in order to make this post more unbiased, I'll have to up my ranking of this fanfic to an "A".
You really did achieve what you set out to do.
Great work.