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 Post Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2011 8:01 pm 
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Der Bigen Slicen
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MOBILE SUIT
GUNDAM
LEGENDS

BOOK ONE:
THOSE WHO FIGHT



Prologue
The four figures gathered in the semi-darkness, glowing eyes starring down at the swirls of light and color below them. Images, fleeting in form, of distant wars and giant machines rippled across the whirlpool of light.
Why do people fight? Even the smallest of skirmishes can erupt into conflicts that ravage entire worlds.
An image formed below of green, mono-eyed mechs fighting against a fleet of space battleships.
These fought for supposed independence but in reality spread misery and death and perpetuated a warmonger’s thirst for power.
Another image came into being, that of numerous city-sized cylinders falling through the atmosphere and impacting on Earth’s surface.
Here the fighting nearly succeeded in wiping out all of humanity.
Another image showed yet another time and place, a massive orbital battle between tens of thousands surrounding a space battleship shaped like a four-pointed star.
Is humanity destined to destroy itself? Can its conflicts ever create something, rather than destroy?
This time the swirling light showed a machine that was glowing with power. It was hard to make out where it was, its surroundings possibly even alien in nature.
Can humanity reform itself?
They now saw an image of what seemed to be an asteroid being pushed away from the Earth by a greenish, iridescent cloud of light. The image rippled and was replaced by images of several humanoid machines. Although these machines were all of different designs, they all shared one design aesthetic: Each machines face bore a resemblance to ancient armor from Earth’s warrior past.
We will watch the warriors of this tale, to insure that they accomplish their task… in the battles that are to come!

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AMURO: What? Don't be ridiculous- Tomino is just an abstract construct, he doesn't really exist.


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 Post Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2011 9:57 am 
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Retconned MSV Ace

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Sounds very much like CE (Lacus or Kira musing), but the colony-drop sounds more like UG.

Armors on the mobile suits, eh? Are you going for just a special stylistic choice or do they have any real powers?

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-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.


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 Post Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 12:59 am 
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Der Bigen Slicen
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Antares wrote:
Sounds very much like CE (Lacus or Kira musing), but the colony-drop sounds more like UG.

Armors on the mobile suits, eh? Are you going for just a special stylistic choice or do they have any real powers?


I was just trying to point out that Gundams bear a resemblance to Samurai armor. In any case, the Actual First Chapter of Legends is now up. I'm going to post links to my blog since that preserves the formatting. And without further ado, Mission 1: The Lost and The Scattered.

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AMURO: What? Don't be ridiculous- Tomino is just an abstract construct, he doesn't really exist.


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 Post Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 10:22 pm 
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Der Bigen Slicen
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All right!! This hand of mine is burning red! It's loud roar tells me to finish typing a chapter! So read it!! If you dare...

Mission 2: Allies and Enemies

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AMURO: What? Don't be ridiculous- Tomino is just an abstract construct, he doesn't really exist.


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 Post Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2011 8:48 am 
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Retconned MSV Ace

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I feel bad for the all the Daggers your legends cut up in the first episode. They serve no other purpose than to give the heroes a common, faceless enemy. :P Without them, Setsuna might've well attacked Amuro and Kou!

Quote:
“But Captain, it’s preposterous!” said Arthur almost hysterically, “It sounds like bad science-fiction!”

No, just mediocre fan-fiction! :twisted: No offense, Arbiter. ;)
I honestly have no idea what is going, and when I barely got to the point when I accepted that OK, Setsuna, Amuro, Kou and Tiffa team up with the Minerva, you threw other guys into the mix. My suggestion: make the 1st episode about these first guys, let them explore a bit. Then, in the second episode deal with whoever else you want to involve, but a) be precise about who's where and b) don't mix too many characters together as it becomes very hard to follow the events, dialogue, and motivations of each character. For example, seeing Amuro and Setsuna alone having it out (verbally) would be more than enough for one episode.

Episode two had more typos:
You’re tough, I’ll give that but you are surrounded. --> You’re tough, I’ll give you that, but you're surrounded.

Char Aznable had been dead or missing for nearly three years know. --> now

“As I was saying to Captain Ramius here,” said Scirocco, “obviously wanting to steer the conversation back on course, “We need to do two things. ---> Scirocco, obviously

Quote:
“Is this Banagher your boyfriend?” asked Captain Ramius with a knowing smile.
“No! No, he’s just a very close friend and if he is out there, I’d like to know that he’s okay.”

I'm almost hoping Ramius would tease her more. :D

When you write dialogue, this is confusing:
“They call me that, but I think of myself as just Tiffa.” Amuro smiled at her.
This is less confusing:
“They call me that, but I think of myself as just Tiffa,” she said, and Amuro smiled at her.
Make sure it's clear who is talking and try to link speech and reaction/expressions together so you don't have to "stop" at every full stop. It makes the text flow better.

I'm still a bit unsure where you're going with the story; while it's intriguing to have such diverse characters interact, the story itself hasn't developed much of a plot. I mean, you could've taken just the Minerva's lot and made them fight a desperate defense of the complex against increasingly challenging enemies or something. You need to give your reader an idea where you're going with this, because otherwise it just looks like you're lumping big names from Gundam together for no other reason but doing just that.

_________________
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.


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 Post Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2011 4:34 pm 
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Der Bigen Slicen
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Antares wrote:
I feel bad for the all the Daggers your legends cut up in the first episode. They serve no other purpose than to give the heroes a common, faceless enemy. :P Without them, Setsuna might've well attacked Amuro and Kou!

Exactly. I have to have something around to keep the named characters from killing each other too soon. :)


Quote:
No, just mediocre fan-fiction! :twisted: No offense, Arbiter. ;)

Thou slayest me with thy words. :)

Quote:
I honestly have no idea what is going, and when I barely got to the point when I accepted that OK, Setsuna, Amuro, Kou and Tiffa team up with the Minerva, you threw other guys into the mix. My suggestion: make the 1st episode about these first guys, let them explore a bit. Then, in the second episode deal with whoever else you want to involve, but a) be precise about who's where and b) don't mix too many characters together as it becomes very hard to follow the events, dialogue, and motivations of each character. For example, seeing Amuro and Setsuna alone having it out (verbally) would be more than enough for one episode.

Well I wanted to make note in these first couple of chapters that there isn't just Amuro and his group, there's others out there moving around. And yes the next couple of chapters will focus more on what Amuro, Setsuna and their merry band of reprobates are doing and what brought them all here before exploring the other groups.

Ah typos. Y'know, I ran the thing through spellcheck and then read it through but it was kinda late when I wrapped it up and I wanted to get it done before bed. That'll teach me to be hasty.

Quote:
Quote:
“Is this Banagher your boyfriend?” asked Captain Ramius with a knowing smile.
“No! No, he’s just a very close friend and if he is out there, I’d like to know that he’s okay.”

I'm almost hoping Ramius would tease her more. :D

I don't think Ramius teases too much unless Mu la Flaga is involved. :)


Quote:
I'm still a bit unsure where you're going with the story; while it's intriguing to have such diverse characters interact, the story itself hasn't developed much of a plot. I mean, you could've taken just the Minerva's lot and made them fight a desperate defense of the complex against increasingly challenging enemies or something. You need to give your reader an idea where you're going with this, because otherwise it just looks like you're lumping big names from Gundam together for no other reason but doing just that.

I bet you haven't played Dynasty Warriors Gundam 3 have you? This story is inspired by that game, but will be going off in its own direction and have more characters.

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AMURO: What? Don't be ridiculous- Tomino is just an abstract construct, he doesn't really exist.


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 Post Posted: Fri Nov 11, 2011 8:07 pm 
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No, I haven't. :) You probably mentioned in the general fanfic thread that you would be pulling most of your plot from there. I'm guessing it's one of those games that just mixes the pilots form different timelines like you have done. But I do recommend keeping it a bit tighter; give the reader a chance to acclimatize to the new surroundings and the cast without forcing them to keep track of several clusters of people at once until they've become more established.

Otherwise some people might skip the adventures of one group in favor or another. For example, I haven't seen Athrun around yet and when he shows up (it's Gundam LEGENDS, he better show up, man! :twisted: ) I would be interest to see how he does. Everyone plays to their favorite when there's too many characters to properly follow, if you know what I mean. :)

_________________
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.


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 Post Posted: Sat Nov 12, 2011 7:23 pm 
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Der Bigen Slicen
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I'll keep that in mind, thanks.

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Thundermuffin wrote:
AMURO: What? Don't be ridiculous- Tomino is just an abstract construct, he doesn't really exist.


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 Post Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2012 10:11 pm 
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Anteris pretty much listed everything I was going to list, although for me, the typeo's were fine, and I would not fret over them, just correct them when you can. The part with Arther was funny, and I wanted to make note of that too.

In any case, just follow Anteris's advice. I like the general theme of this anime, it has been a long time since I saw a mix of characters like this. My one word of warning is to not automatically group protagonists together and not trust the antagonists at all. You've done very well so far with mixing things up, so I hope to see devious people like Full Frontal and Ribbons causing confusion very soon.

And I would also like to give you thumbs up for putting Tiffa in Amuro's group. I always liked her character.

P.S this is a shameless request to look over my own fanfic I'm writing. Sever criticism is welcomed, so long as it constructs, of course.http://mechatalk.net/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=14704 I wish I had time for a blog of my own...sigh.


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 Post Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2012 10:05 pm 
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I'll get on it as soon as I can, thanks. :)

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AMURO: What? Don't be ridiculous- Tomino is just an abstract construct, he doesn't really exist.


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