Just one typo in the first chapter:
"At times like this, a little bit of acting never hurts." Athrun signed
--> "At times like this, a little bit of acting never hurts." Athrun sighed
The only real new stuff seemed to be, and correct me if I'm wrong, the introduction of Alvarez and the Jovian Dawn
. OK, interesting. I saw that at point you jumped through the story in Destiny
, more or less expecting your readers knew what was going on there. That's OK, if that's the call you've decided to make. As such, I was more interested to see what you added to the story. Scirocco's name smacks fairly UCish to me.
I'll try to get around to readings chapters 2-3 later.