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 Post Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2011 7:33 pm 
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Der Bigen Slicen
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Location: Cruisin' the Universe w/Spaceman Spiff!!!
Which means you have confirmed my theory that I need more sleep. 8)

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AMURO: What? Don't be ridiculous- Tomino is just an abstract construct, he doesn't really exist.


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 Post Posted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 10:10 pm 
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Der Bigen Slicen
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Location: Cruisin' the Universe w/Spaceman Spiff!!!
Okay, here's the full chapter. I'm not that happy about it, I already spotted at least one flaw because I'm pretty sure now that Misa would not peel out in a car even if she wanted to mess with Hikaru a little. Extra insight would be appreciated.

Spoiler: show
MACROSS
ODYSSEY

Prologue

In the year 1999, an alien spaceship crash-landed on South Ataria Island in the Pacific ocean. The discovery electrified the human race, especially due to the fact that, after careful examination, it was discovered that whatever race had built the mysterious ship had built it as a warship. The discovery initiated a series of events that led to the new united earth government and a technological boom the likes of which hadn’t been seen since the Industrial Revolution. These discoveries didn’t come without a price. Many nations didn’t wish to give up their autonomy and this led to the Unification Wars.
Ten years passed and the repaired alien ship, rechristened the SDF-1 Macross, was ready for launch. Unfortunately an ancient program hidden in the still-misunderstood systems of the ship opened fire when ships from the alien Zentradi began to approach the Earth searching for the crashed Macross. This incident ignited what would become known as Space War I, a war that would become the worst conflict in the history of humanity. The Macross leapt to humanity’s defense, doing all they could to keep the Zentradi away from earth. Along the way, they learned that the Zentradi were actually semi-human and had been specifically bred for war by the ancient Protoculture. The Zentradi warriors began to be affected by the humans’ own culture to the point where some actually defected. Unfortunately this was not enough and the Zentradi Main Fleet laid siege to Earth, wiping out most of the surface and population before the Macross and Zentradi defectors could stop them. That was in December 2009.
Three years later, humanity is slowly rebuilding. The leaders of the new Earth government have also determined that the only way to make sure that humanity never faces extinction again is to launch colony ships out into space to spread humanity among the stars. The first of these ships is the SDF-2 Megaroad-01. Captained by war veteran Misa Hayase Ichijyo, the ship is nearing completion at the dry-dock in Macross City…





Chapter 1
New Frontier

September 2, 2012
Macross City, Alaska

The VF-4 Lightning III variable fighter burst through the low, heavy clouds, rolling out into a level flight path. Inside the cockpit, pilot Hikaru Ichijyo glanced at his tactical screen, trying to discern at what angle his opponent would attack him. At the last second, his radar picked up his opponent and he rolled right as a VF-1J Valkyrie came screaming out from the low cloud cover as well, laser guns blazing. Hikaru pulled back on the stick and threw a lever marked with a large letter G. His plane shifted into the hybrid mode known as GERWALK Mode, allowing the thrust of his engines to be directed in a path that took him out of the line of fire. He brought up the Gatling gun pod and fired a line of 55mm slugs back at the Valkyrie. The Valkyrie pilot, no slouch either, also transformed into gerwalk mode and ducked under the line of fire and fired a pair of missiles.
If Hikaru knew his opponent, which he did, he figured that the missiles were really to distract him so that the Valkyrie pilot could line up the kill shot. He would have to deny him that possibility. He yanked a lever marked F and the Lightning III transformed back into fighter mode and shot forward with a burst of speed. He fired the Gatling pod at the missiles but in reality he was lining up a shot on the Valkyrie with his beam cannons. The Valkyrie, also transforming back into Fighter mode was a half second too late and Hikaru managed to nail it with a pair of beam blasts to the right engine.
“Dammit, I could have sworn I had you boss,” called the pilot of the Valkyrie, one Maximillian Jenius whose Valkyrie showed absolutely no sign of damage except some scorched paint from Hikaru’s direct hit.
“Lightning 3, we show a confirmed hit on Valkyrie 1. He’s going down, over,” crackled a high-pitched female voice over the two pilots’ radios.
“Roger that Control. We’re coming back in over,” replied Hikaru, casting a bemused glance at Max’s Valkyrie which was most certainly not going down. “Let’s close it up for today Max.”
“Damn and I almost had you too. They just had to give you the new model didn’t they?” It may have sounded like complaining but Hikaru knew that Max was likely grinning in his cockpit.
“Well don’t sound too disappointed Max,” said Hikaru, chuckling a bit, “If I got paid for every time that you’ve shot me down in sim, I could retire with Misa as a rich man.”
Max was about to reply when the female Control officer called again.
“Heads up Valkyrie 1, Lightning 3, we’ve got a group of rookies and their escorts coming in on your vector. Betcha they’d like it if some of the famous aces of Skull Squadron escorted them in.”
“Roger that. Max let’s go say hi.”
Hikaru and Max banked their planes onto a new course and soon saw the new group of planes coming towards them. The two veteran pilots performed an Immelman and then settled into formation with the two large transport planes and their quartet of Valkyries. It was a testament to how the UN Spacy was still a little stretched that these new pilots didn’t come in flying their own planes. Then again, if what Hikaru had heard was right, those new planes were already waiting for them.

After landing at the airstrip just outside of New Macross City, Hikaru and Max climbed out of their respective fighters and were greeted by a double line of some three-dozen new pilot recruits. An older man standing in front of the newbies stepped forward and by the stripes on his flight suit Hikaru and Max could tell he was a Colonel and saluted him. He returned the salute and smiled grimly.
“I hate to just dump a bunch the greenest, rawest, sorriest excuses for pilots I have ever seen on you Major, but orders are orders.”
“Of course Colonel. So do we get introduced?” asked Hikaru. The Colonel continued grinning, did an about face and let rip with a bellow that probably could have been heard in the deepest bowels of the Macross.
“Listen up grunts! This is Major Hikaru Ichijyo and Major Max Jenius and unlike all you ingrates, they’ve actually seen real combat! Life and death and the mean kind of Zentradi, you hear? Now, most of you will be transferring onto the SDF-2 Megaroad-01, so listen to what the Major has to say because I will not be held responsible in front of your mommies and daddies for you dumb maggots getting vaped out in deep space! Clear?!”
“SIR, YES SIR!” came the return bellow. The Colonel turned to Hikaru and Max with a much more rueful look on his face.
“They’re all yours. Treat ‘em good and think you just may have one hell of a fighting force on your hands,” he said, ending with a salute. Max and Hikaru returned the salute and then stepped past the Colonel to greet the new pilots. Max started at one rear end and Hikaru started at the opposite front end. The first pilot Hikaru came to was fairly tall, tall enough that might be bumping his head on his fighter’s canopy. Said head was covered in a dark-blond flattop. Beneath that, the young man’s brown eyes were crinkled slightly as if in a smile but the rest of his square-jawed face was locked in at attention stoicism. All in all, he could have looked very mean if he’d wanted to but slight lines at the edges of his mouth indicated someone who smiled often and easily.
“Major Hikaru Ichijyo,” said Hikaru, stepping forward and shaking the new pilot’s hand, “And you are 2nd Lieutenant…?”
“2nd Lieutenant Jason Antilles sir. Pleased to meet you.”

Later, after the rounds of introductions had been made, Max and Hikaru had sent the rookies off to get billeted and walked out to the base parking lot. Hikaru waved at Max as the blue-haired man jogged off to his car and was just about to start walking in the direction of where he parked, when his car came around the corner and pulled up next to him. A beautiful brown-haired woman leaned out the window and pulled the sunglasses she was wearing down enough to reveal her vivid green eyes and said, with a smirk, “Hey there fly-boy. Need a lift?”
Hikaru grinned himself and replied, “Gunsight One, I think you have things a little mixed up. I’m supposed to do the driving.” Captain Misa Hayase frowned at him.
“Just get in the car Ichijyo, or you’re walking back to the Megaroad.”
With a smile and a shrug, Hikaru tossed his bag into the backseat and climbed into the passenger seat. Misa took off with a ail of screeching tires and Hikaru reflected ruefully on the fact that she was a better driver than she was a pilot.

A short while later, Hikaru and Misa walked into the quarters they had been temporarily sharing in a barracks building. The rooms were very sparse, likely due to the many packing boxes that were stacked around the room.
“Hey I thought the dockworkers were supposed to have all this stuff transferred to the ship by now.
“We’ve got most of them working extra time trying to make last minute additions to the ship. Admiral Global wants the ship launched on the 8th and we will have the ship launched if we have to get outside and push.” Hikaru put his hands on Misa’s shoulders so they could look at each other squarely in the eye.
“So who is going to move our boxes from here to our quarters on the Megaroad?” Misa just smiled sweetly.
“I have a couple of guys coming tomorrow to do it. We’ll have to help them though, if we want to get the stuff moved before the staff meeting I have to go to with the Admiral,” she said as she broke free from Hikaru and headed into the bedroom. Hikaru was about to make a short retort but cut himself off. He’d learned both from experience and from Claudia LaSalle that trying to argue with Misa when she had her mind made up about something like this was a recipe to be sleeping on the couch. Instead he settled on a different tactic.
“I’ll call Millia and Max and see if they can lend a hand.”
“Oh no you don’t!” retorted Misa, poking her head around the frame of the bedroom door. A bare shoulder indicated that she was changing from her uniform to normal clothes. “Max and Millia have a kid to raise and besides Max is busy with his own duties tomorrow. The only reason you get time off is to get set up on the ship.” She retreated back into the bedroom and Hikaru sighed. After thinking about it for a moment, he slinked into the kitchen and picked up the phone. He knew a couple of Skull Squadron grunts that would just thrilled to help out there commander with moving.

Across town a beautiful, dark-haired woman stepped through the doors of the Lake Global Plaza, one of the few fancy hotels in Macross City. She wore a long coat, a wide-brimmed hat and large sunglasses that seemed somewhat out of place now that the sun had gone down. She walked up to the desk and the rotund, balding clerk glanced up from the computer he was typing at.
“Can I help you?” he asked somewhat snootily.
“I have a reservation,” replied the woman. She had an accent that the clerk didn’t recognize.
“Name please.” The woman smiled a dazzling smile and pulled the glasses down to reveal her eyes and the rest of her face. The clerk’s eyes widened in recognition.
“Lynn Minmei-desu.”

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AMURO: What? Don't be ridiculous- Tomino is just an abstract construct, he doesn't really exist.


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 Post Posted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 10:10 am 
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Mecha Flunky

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/r/ feedback on Jupiter Down.

Its working toward a Gundam fic or might be an original story.


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 Post Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 3:17 pm 
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Mecha Flunky

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Anyone?

viewtopic.php?f=11&t=13924


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 Post Posted: Sun Apr 17, 2011 8:01 pm 
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Elitist Earth Politician
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the beginning is smashing, but the rest...
confusing.
Preview your bbCode. It's pretty nitpicky.
somehow mark your shifts from first-person to third-person. For example, italicize the first-person.
A-10 is not a nerve; it's a fluid-bathed area below the midbrain associated with parental love.
I can't quite follow the tech and the dialogue. Half the time, I'm, like, huh?
But very promising.

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 Post Posted: Sun Jun 26, 2011 9:14 pm 
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Code Evangelion Stage 5. Anyone?
Spoiler: show
Code Evangelion
Stage V: Mustn’t Run Away
“He’s alright, of course?”
Misato was cross that Section 2 had let Shinji be attacked, but apparently it was not intended to be deadly, so they ignored it. Stiff bastards, she thought. Screw their regulations! It’s a shame, seeing him limp home in his ruined uniform.
“I knew it was a bad idea to send him in that uniform!”
“Are you ashamed of a Britannian uniform, Captain?” a voice asked behind her. Misato jumped. The woman standing there was dressed lavishly in a bright, violet coat with golden lacing and a large cape. Her lips and eyes were painted bright, royal purple. Hastily, Misato dropped to one knee in front of Cornelia li Britannia.
“Your Highness, I did not expect you to be here!”
Cornelia waved it off.
“You may rise, Captain Katsuragi,” she said. “But remember to be careful with assets. Everything is valuable on the battlefield.”
“Yes, ma’am”
Misato rose and put on her coat. The princess moved to her desk and glanced with disdain at the mess that Misato always left it in. Misato blushed, embarrassed.
“As temporary Viceroy of Area 11, I believe that I am privy to a report on the…Evangelions, as I have been told they are called,” Cornelia asked. “Just what are they?”
Misato cleared her throat and sized up the Princess before replying.
“You would do better to ask the technical department, ma’am. I really have no idea myself. I only command them in combat.”
Cornelia’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. Something smelled fishy, and the Eleven isn’t telling everything that she knows.
“Is that so, Captain Katsuragi? To the best of my knowledge, the Knight of Two, a dear personal friend of mine, happens to be a viable pilot who has consented,”
—Of course, knowing Asuka Langley, this is probably an offer she’d never refuse—
“—and I am highly concerned about the safety of these machines. The last time one was deployed, it seems to have gone out of control, which resulted in heavy mental damage to the pilot that left him in the hospital for nearly a week. It would be…a catastrophe of a grave nature if one of His Majesty’s Knights of the Round was lost thus.”
So, that girl has some pretty high-up friends; the Second Imperial Princess, no less. Not too bad for a half-breed brat. It seems that handling her will be harder than expected.
“Rest assured; that incident was an isolated occurrence that will not happen again.”
“I sincerely hope that you will be right,” Cornelia said coldly.
A singular wail tore through the room as the alarm went off. The walls exploded into a splurge of red as warnings dotted the screen.
“Alert, alert; enemy has been detected. All personnel proceed to Battle Stations, Level One.”
XXXXXXXXXX
“Are you still mad, Touji?” a wiry boy with glasses asked.
“Of course! Are you dumb, Kensuke? That kid’s a traitor!”
Kensuke found it hard to argue with his friend’s logic. After all, it was true that the boy had gone over to work for the Britannians, and then dared to come back in a brand-new Britannian uniform. Everyone was angry, and he couldn’t blame them for anything.
“Yea, but he did fight to protect us all, Britannians and Japanese alike. That monster sure did kill a lot of Britannian soldiers.”
“He’s still an idiot!” Touji roared. “Why’d he have to crash that thing through the Settlement like that? Does he even know how to use it?”
He slammed his fist against his knee and, to Kensuke’s surprise, began to sob.
“Aww, jeez, man, I’m sorry ‘bout your sister; she’ll be fine, okay? Don’t doubt it; Zero worked his magic, so everything should be fine.”
Touji’s back heaved silently on despite his friend’s words. Sighing, Kensuke patted Touji’s back, not being able to do much else. Then, out of absolutely nowhere, a screeching alarm tore through the air. Both boys jumped, and tumbled over themselves as a pair of Britannian jet fighters sped by at supersonic speed. The pair of planes dipped their wings, pulled around, and flew off into the distance. Following them, six Knightmare carriers and a light bomber followed. The boys stared in terror as they scurried from the machines. Far into the distance, there came sounds of other machines marching in the same direction.
“Ken-Kensuke, what the hell are those?” Touji asked, frightened.
“Knightmare VTOLs,” Kensuke replied. “They’re transporting Sutherlands; I think that…there’s going to be a big battle…and since the resistance is with the Britannians…”
Another monster attack
“Touji, let’s get out of here!” he urged. “If there’s another monster, the Britannians will probably drive it at us first!”
Touji lashed out, pushed the other boy back and whirled around.
“God damn it! If they do that kid had better stop it!” he roared. “If he doesn’t, then—then—then I’ll… ”
He was still rambling as Kensuke half-dragged him back to the heart of the ghetto. Outside, legions of knightmares scrambled into position as the air buzzed with aircraft. Out on Ashino Lake, a gigantic, insect-like thing approached through the air. As it passed by, scores of submarines began the assault. Anti-air missiles accompanied by heavy artillery and air bombing combed over the surface of the Angel to no avail, and the monster continued on its course.
In the middle of the Britannian defense, a single Sutherland stood back with its Factosphere sensor wide open. Inside, Asuka surveyed the scene with disappointment, and made the signal to pull back the defense line by five miles. Still firing, the line of Knightmares rumbled away from the approaching Angel, followed by the rest of the Britannian forces.
“How long will it be until Nerv launches Unit 01?” Asuka asked.
“Unknown; there is no word from Nerv on that matter.”
She shook her head.
“Must be playing our patience…and damn it, we do need them,” she muttered. “Make our line two miles from the city’s edge. Set up a line where the Angel is predicted to land, and have the middle fall back into a pocket; try to tilt it away from the major parts of the settlement and keep that thing pinned down with fire.”
—Not that it’s going to be of much good—
Her Sutherland blended into the caravan of armored infantry and disappeared among the ordinary soldiers. With her public comm. channel open, Asuka listened to their fear, their unsettled minds relieving their distress through doubt. Understandably, they don’t trust a fourteen-year-old girl to command them.
Her teeth ground up against one another as she scowled. Everywhere she goes, somebody has to not believe in her. Somebody always has to force her to prove herself over and over again. A flip of her finger opened her private channel to the Britannian HQ under Princess Euphemia. Time to show the world, yet again, just how capable she is. As she relayed her plan to Euphemia, Asuka could almost feel the worry emanating from the Princess.
“So, you’re going to personally lure this thing into the Tokyo Settlement and spring a surprise attack from underground? Isn’t it dangerous? The last one was able to fire high-energy beams. What if it just decimates our line and moves on?”
From a corner, Zero’s voice came into the conversation. As part of the military aspect of their deal, the Black Knights are participating in the battle.
“Your Highness, if it does indeed possess ranged capabilities, then it would have already destroyed all our forces. Since Marshal Langley is still able to speak to us, we may presume that this Angel is restricted to close ranged attacks only.”
That sarcastic bastard Zero, Asuka thought, concurs with her thoughts exactly, and it annoys her to no end.
Apparently convinced, Euphemia nodded through the video link.
“Be careful, Asuka,” she said. “Don’t be reckless.”
Asuka smiled to her friend and benefactor. It’s just like Euphy to be concerned about everything in an almost motherly way. A flick brought her back to her command.
“Alright, troops. All forces will line up once we reach the city. Your coordinates are being sent out. Once the Angel hits the line, take cover inside the Settlement and get out. Knightmare commanders, Alfred through David squads will use the Eastern Boulevard; Eowyn through Henry squads will take Central Avenue, Ingrid through Nero squads will take Western Boulevard, and Manchester through Wellington squads will use the Ghetto as cover. Retreat quickly and cover your route with cannon fire. Make sure you melt into the city. First Tank Group will go north along the coast; Fourth Tank Group will go south.”
She tuned in to her naval commander.
“Admiral, Over the Rainbow will send one last round of air raids, and all bombardment will cease once the Target reaches city limits. Understood?”
‘Let’s go, Asuka!’
“All forces, you will escape the area immediately. Do not risk yourself in any act of heedless gallantry. My guards and I shall lure the Target into a trap. Get the hell out! Is that understood?
She shut off the comm. before the replies came in and took off for her small entourage of trusted Langley House troops. Knowing Nerv’s commander and her insight, she’ll certainly read Asuka’s intentions and act accordingly. Now, all she needs to worry about is Nerv’s almost useless pilot.
XXXXXXXXXX
“Field Marshal Langley is moving towards the city, ma’am, and is requesting the Eva to be launched,” Lieutenant Shigeru Aoba informed Misato, who snorted discreetly. Cornelia’s hawk-like eyes still bore down on the crew, and, though she wants to, Misato doesn’t care to risk calling the Field Marshal a “nosy little girl” in front of her friend.
“Where is the Third Child?” Misato asked.
“In Unit 01, ready to deploy, ma’am!”
“And where are the Field Marshal’s troops?”
“Five miles from the city, in a straight line, light armored infantry and Knightmares under heavy cover in the center, heavy armor, gun emplacements and artillery to the wings, and ships to the far sides in the water but within firing range.”
“A classic trap formation; distance from nearest Eva launch pad?”
“The rear is two miles from block D-22.”
Almost directly behind the line, in fact; if she wants to curl her line of defense, she’d come up right inside the city, with an Evangelion ready to attack from below at any time. A beautifully simple strategy: lure the Angel in, kill it with the Eva. The only variable, however, is the Eva itself. More precisely, it is the Eva’s pilot, an untrained boy with no experience in coordinated battles who, moreover, shows a dangerous inclination against violence.
“Launch the Eva with the Gatling cannon and high-explosive rounds to block D-22. Don’t open the shutter until I tell you to.”
She switched to the Eva’s channel.
“Shinji, we’re sending you up now. Stay put with the cannon until the Angel gets close enough. Until then, spread your A.T. Field and stay under cover. When the Angel comes within neutralization range, maximize the Field and attack the Core, just like you practiced, okay?”
“Okay,” the disgruntled, un-soldier-like reply came.
“Launch, Eva!”
Again, the crackle of electricity; again, the jarring passage up the linear rails; once again, Shinji Ikari felt himself being carted off to a battle that he doesn’t want to fight. The journey ended as abruptly as it had begun, as the Eva struck the end of the rails. The doors remained shut and, in the darkness, Shinji clutched his controls with sweaty hands. His pounding heart echoed the beeping sensors. With every second, the enemy approached.
XXXXXXXXXX
As usual, her shelling did little to no damage. High explosives, armor-piercing and even linear cannons and a prototype Hadron Collider Cannon, graciously lent to her by Second Prince Schnizel, did nothing to damage the Angel. As planned, her Knightmares have melted away into the streets, and the Angel is continuously fired upon from the back. Gradually, it is moving towards the Eva launch pad. Her Sutherland crouching on the roof of a nearby building with a few handpicked guards, Asuka waited with her customary bazooka in hand. The Angel nears. Closer…closer…if Misato Katsuragi has any of the rough street-smart attributed to her, she’d know when to make her move…
The shutter on D-22 crashed open, and the violet giant came crashing through the opening, a Gatling cannon ablaze. The air became filled with explosions as the volatile rounds ricocheted off of the Angel’s A.T. Field. Cursing, Asuka’s entourage abandoned their cover and rolled away, Landspinner tires billowing with smoke, to escape the destruction.
“Idiot!” she roared. “What kind of attack is that?” Clearly, the thing is taking all of zero damage. Desperately, her soldiers began firing on the Angel from behind, but that damn orange field blocked every shot. As she dreaded, the click of a dry chamber came from the massive weapon, though the Angel was unfazed. The Evangelion seemed to be trembling as it fumbled with its weapon, in full plain view of the enemy. Before Asuka could scream in anger, the Angel’s forearms snaked out into a pair of luminescent whips of light that, in one smooth motion, diced the Gatling gun into pieces and forced the Eva to leap back and land unceremoniously on its ass. The Angel’s second strike barely missed the Eva, which stumbled frantically away from the lashing whips. It crashed into a building, which immediately disintegrated as the Angel slashed it into pieces. The Eva tumbled out the other side, the severed end of its Umbilical Cable, its sole source of power, flapping uselessly behind the machine. Without it, the Evangelion was doomed to approximately five minutes of activation time, maximum, and only one at full power. Automatically, the connector of the Cable was jettisoned, and the Eva climbed shakily to its feet. Five minutes before it is rendered useless by the lack of power.
Shinji’s heart raced; it would not be long before all power expired, and he left to be drawn and quartered by the Angel. If he was going to move, it has to be—
He shrieked in terror when the Angel’s whip caught his Eva’s ankle and tossed it effortlessly into the air. His head bashed repeatedly against the wall as he plummeted towards the area of the Shinjuku Ghetto. One moment, the sky filled his view screen, and the next, rubble, decay and people’s despair, given physical form by the ruins that served as their home.
XXXXXXXXXX
“Incoming!” Kensuke screamed as the sky turned dark with the silhouette of Unit 01. He tried to pull Touji away, but the other boy stood rooted in fear as the shadow bore down over their heads. It was going to crush him, crush him beneath its metallic mass, and his sister…his sister would have nobody left to fend for her.
The robot was spinning as it fell. As Touji watched, its face turned towards him, and he gazed straight into its glowing eyes. The sharp, angular face seemed to scowl at him as he refused to move, challenging him to be a man, to survive and take care of his family.
Touji Suzahara bolted from where he stood with a roar, streaking away from the would-be impact site. Moments later, he felt himself lifted off of the ground by the tremendous hit, and began to drift over the ground as he was hurled by the shockwave. Boulders and debris cut into his back as he skidded to a halt painfully, blood clogging the back of his clothes. Shakily, he supported himself on his elbow and looked around. By his side, Kensuke looks as if he’d collapsed. Like Touji, he was badly torn up and bleeding, but looked to be alive. The robot’s right hand had fallen right over them, although the fingers were spread just so that they missed the two by a few dozen centimeters. Tugging weakly, Touji dragged Kensuke to safety away from the Evangelion.
XXXXXXXXXX
“Damage report, damn it!” Misato yelled. “Is he even alive?”
“Damage minimal; Eva is still fully functional!” Aoba replied. “Internal battery, 2 minutes and 45 seconds of power remaining”
“Good! Shinji, can you hear me? Retreat! The Britannian army will cover you with heavy artillery,” Misato ordered. “Get out of there!”
“Ma’am, wait!” Maya screamed. “There are civilians still down there! He’s in the middle of Shinjuku!”
A side screen unfolded, showing a camera feed of two ragged, injured boys crawling away from the Eva.
“ZOINKS…” Misato swore. “They’re just kids!”
She grabbed the mike.
“Hold your fire!” she snarled. “There are civilians within range!”
The emotionless reply came from a Britannian field commander.
“Britannian or Eleven?”
Misato wanted to reach through the phone and rip off his face.
“None of your concern; just hold your fire!”
She slammed the phone down.
“Smug little bastards,” she hissed. “Always so damn superior…”
Abruptly, she connected to Unit 01 and ordered, “Shinji, get those two kids into the Entry Plug. Then get the hell out to the nearest Cable depot and hook up. Drop them off at an emergency entrance and get back into the fight. Understood?”
“Captain Katsuragi!” Cornelia barked. “The two boys that you are allowing into the Plug are not authorized to be exposed to Evangelion-related information. On top of that, they are not even Britannian citizens. You have no right to take them into the cockpit!”
Misato turned coldly upon the Witch of Britannia, one of the most feared military figures within the Britannian military, and an Imperial Princess highly in favor with the Emperor.
“Your Highness,” she said. “I have no intention of allowing any unnecessary death out there; as Operational Commander of Nerv, I authorize it. Nerv, remember, is not owned by Britannia.”
As Cornelia’s face clouded with shock, Misato turned back.
“1 minute, 30 seconds. Angel approaching Eva at moderate pace; ETA at forty-five seconds”
“Lock the Evangelion,” she ordered. “Open the hatch!”
XXXXXXXXXX
“You two, get in!”
The voice startled Touji’s mind into wakefulness, but it could not process the command. Get into the machine? What the hell does that mean?
“Hey! Move it!” Kensuke yelled at him. He dragged Touji’s stunned frame towards a rope ladder that snaked out of a thick metal tube from the Eva’s back. When they were both secure, the rope rolled them both in. A splash, and the tube sealed itself. The two terrified boys began to kick and panic just as the entire interior lit up, and a voice told them to fill their lungs with the stuff so that they can breathe. With no other choice, they let the liquid fill their lungs, and miraculously, found that though breathing was heavy and difficult, they could breathe the water. They looked in amazement at the quasi-panoramic, 270 degree HUD and view screen, sleek metal cockpit seat, and the kid sitting in the middle of all the technology, shivering like a newborn kitten.
“Shinji, retreat using the D-25 route behind the mountain; there, you will drop off your passengers, get a new cable and rifle, and return,” Misato’s voice said. “Go, now!”
Shinji did not move; instead, he hunched over and muttered to himself.
“Hey!” Touji yelled. “Move it! She said to run away!”
“Mustn’t run away…mustn’t run away…”
The Angel bore down on him, whips outstretched. Touji screamed and shook Shinji by the shoulder like a madman.
“GET OFF!” Shinji roared. He slapped Touji away, rolled the Eva over, and barely dodged a pair of arms that boiled several blocks of concrete.
0:58:39
The Eva launched itself off of the ground and slam-kicked the Angel in the Core. The Angel slid back a few dozen meters, and its arms lunged into Unit 01’s chest armor. Through the bloody spray, Shinji howled. Carried by momentum, Unit 01 lurched right into a blast of energy that came from the Angel’s Core.
0:36:20
With its chest armor melted together and its helmet warped, Unit 01 sank slowly down on the two arm blades, which, due to Eva’s own weight, was cutting steadily into the torso.
0:30:00
“I MUSTN’T RUN AWAY!”
Unit 01’s remaining eye sparked. Both arms shot up to the shoulder pylons, and a pair of MVS blades snapped into her hands. With a howl, Shinji plunged both blades down into the Core just as another energy blast began to charge. The air shrieked as the disrupted energy spun in a vortex. The Angel’s arms slashed upwards impulsively and cut almost halfway into Unit 01’s chest. Shinji screamed and slashed the MVS blades down and out of the Core. A split second later, the pent-up energy exploded outwards.
0:10:11
Stumbling, Unit 01 crumpled to the ground. For a second, it seems that the charred Angel was going to strike again.
0:00:00
The Angel’s body, burnt by its own broken Core, broke apart at the midriff and, in a shower of charcoal, fell into pieces.

“Yo!” Touji said. “Ya okay?”
He was screaming like a madman just moments before, clutching his face and smashing the controls. Now, he lay crumpled, crying to himself.
“Stupid; of course he’s not,” Kensuke reprimanded Touji. “Just shut up; you’re not doing any good.”
The boy fell into a grumpy silence, although he betrayed an occasional look of regret and concern.
‘Dis ZOINKS must be hard on him’
XXXXXXXXXX
“Yes, Shirley, I’m fine. I told you, don’t worry about me!” Lelouch snapped. She’s just a little too into him, at a time when he cannot afford the distraction.
“Lelouch, as a human male, you ought to show a little more interest,” C.C. said slyly. “If you overthrow Britannia, you’ll want an Empress.”
“C.C.-SHUT-UP-THIS-IS-NOT-THE-TIME-DAMN-IT!” he hissed, covering his phone.
“Lulu, who were you just talking to?” Shirley demanded. “That sounded like a girl! Oh, goodness, Lulu! I just knew it! You’re with some girl, aren’t you? They just fall all over you…”
“Sure is hard, being the hottest guy in the entire school,” C.C. said in between bites of double-cheese Sicilian with sausages. She reached over for a sip of soda. “Any other boy would take full advantage of his situation…and exercise his evolutionary instincts. You, on the other hand…”
Lelouch angrily threw his mask into C.C.’s face. She yowled and rolled away from him.
“No, Shirley, I’m not with anyone like that. Stop worrying, please. Where are you, by the way? Your signal is breaking up…”
“I’m next to the Shinjuku Ghetto, where the bunker let out. Lulu, you won’t believe what I’m seeing! It’s that Nerv robot!”
‘The Evangelion is right out in the open! What a chance…’
“Careful, Shirley. You don’t know if it’s safe to approach. Wait and I’ll come pick you up.”
On the other end, Shirley blushed in pleasure, but thought immediately that she had to say something or risk him sensing how pleased she is.
“It’s dangerous, Lulu. Wait until the roads are cleared, at least! A lot of the city got wrecked here—”
“It’s fine; I’ll ride Rivalz’s bike without the sidecar. I can get through any rubble heap in that. You can ride with me on the way back.”
Her blush reddened even more as the thought of holding on to him for the entire trip came into her mind.
‘We’ll be so close together…’
Wait—“Lelouch Lamprouge, you’ll kill yourself riding that bike, you idiot!” she yelled. “You can’t do anything physical!”
“I can drive anything up to a Ganymede-Class Knightmare Frame, Shirley, so stop worrying like you’re my wife.”
He hung up with a sigh.
“Thank God she isn’t…”
Before C.C. could say anything, he strode out, clapping his mask over his face and assuming the identity of Zero. Outside, his chief lieutenant Ohgi greeted him with a frown.
“Zero, sir…”
“What is it, Ohgi?”
“Your mask…it’s got pizza sauce on it.”
“Oh, thank you.”
End Stage V

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 Post Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 5:26 am 
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Here are some improvement comments in italics:
Spoiler: show
“Your Highness, I did not expect you to be here!” Misato apologized, but Cornelia just waved it off.
“You may rise, Captain Katsuragi,” she said. “But remember to be careful with our assets. Everything is valuable on the battlefield.”

I only command them in combat.
--> this seems a little silly, you could leave it out.

Something smelled fishy, and the Eleven wasn’t telling everything she knew.
--> Stay true to your verb tense.

So, that girl has some pretty high-up friends; the Second Imperial Princess, no less. Not too bad for a half-breed brat. It seems that handling her will be harder than expected.
--> this is Misato's inner voice, so mark it plainly as such. Either add agency or e.g. italicize the thought.

“Rest assured; that incident was an isolated occurrence that will not happen again.”
--> that was an isolated incident and it will not happen again

“I sincerely hope that you will be right,”
--> that you're right. future tense unnecessary here.

he couldn’t blame them for anything.
--> he couldn't blame them.

sister; she’ll be fine, okay? Don’t doubt it;
--> the semi-colon is a fine instrument when not over-used. :) Also, "Don't doubt it" could be removed as unnecessary.

Everywhere she goes, somebody has to not believe in her.
--> clumsy, revise. Everywhere she goes, she is doubted.

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 Post Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2011 9:57 am 
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Noted. Thanks. I suppose this means that the general storyline is fine?

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 Post Posted: Tue Jul 19, 2011 8:13 am 
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I read it mainly for the language, I didn't stop too long to bother about inconsistencies and the like, but none at least jumped right at me.

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 Post Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2011 11:19 pm 
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Even though I've already posted it on FFN, I'd still like some critiques for this next stage (Why am I the only one getting good stuff out of this thread now? C'mon people, we wanna help ya, so let us!)

Stage XIII: Now, Let's Dance!

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 Post Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 2:36 am 
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Here's what I have so far on MSG: LEGENDS chapter 2.

Spoiler: show
Mission 2: Allies and Enemies

The Unicorn Gundam was surrounded. The pilot, Banagher Links was trying to figure out what his best option was when he received a hail from the red, Sinanju-like mobile suit that led the Geara Dogas.
“To the pilot of the unidentified mobile suit. You’re tough, I’ll give that but you are surrounded. I’d advise you to consider surrender.”
Sounds like Full Frontal, thought Banagher, but that isn’t the Sinanju. What’s going on here?
The mystery pilot was right however and Banagher wasn’t nearly so foolish as to try anything in his current predicament.
“Very well. I surrender, but I’ll warn you know, my suit won’t be any use to you. Only I can use it.”
“Brave words,” replied the red pilot, “But why don’t you come back to our base and we’ll discuss things from there.”
Banagher had no choice but to follow.

A short time later he found, much to his surprise, that they had arrived at a large military-looking installation. Banagher was taken to the hangar area and then ordered to get out of the Unicorn. As soon as he exited, he was escorted by a pair of Neo Zeon guards to a ready room. It was sparsely furnished and the air ahad a strange smell to it, something Banagher couldn’t quite identify. It was like this base was brand new but people had only just come there.
There were three other people in the room, two men and a woman in addition to four more armed guards. The woman had shoulder-length honey-blond hair and wore a dark red uniform. She and one of the men were sitting next to each other when Banagher was escorted in and they rose to face him. The second man was sitting in a chir to their side and just lazily turned his head in Banagher’s direction. Banagher regarded him with a bit of shock; it’s not every day you meet someone who has pastel green hair. His outfit was also kind of strange as well.
“So you’re the pilot.”
Banagher turned to look at the man who had spoken and got another, much more violent shock. The man, dressed in an elaborate but functional red uniform looked like Full Frontal! But this man had much shorter blond hair and seemed to carry himself differently.
“I admit, I want to be surprised but I’m not. Young men seem to have a way of finding themselves in Federation mobile suits,” he said evenly.
“Were you… the pilot of that red mobile suit?” asked Banagher cautiously.
“I am.”
“And your forces are Neo Zeon right?”
“They are.”
Something clicked in Banagher’s memory.
“Then you must be… Char Aznable, the Red Comet.”
“In the flesh,” replied Char. Banagher doubted the statement just a bit as to his knowledge, Char Aznable had been dead or missing for nearly three years know. The green-haired man chuckled at this sudden pronouncement.
“You’re famous. He’s a little star-struck.”
“I think the important question here is, what are we going to do with you?” said the woman. Banagher started to tense. He’d been held prisoner by the Neo Zeon once before and had only escaped thanks to Commnader Daguza and the Nahel Argama.
“Relax,” said Char, “We mean you no harm. In fact, I’m willing to bet that you’re in the same predicament that we’re in.”
“I… don’t know what you mean,” said Banagher, still unsure of what he shoud and shouldn’t tell this man who claimed to be the legendary Char Aznable.
“Let me enlighten you,” said the green-haired man, “You were investigating a strange signal that was likely coming from space. When you went to investigate, you blacked out and suddenly found yourself here. Am I correct?”
Banagher cast a startled glance at the man. That was in fact his very story.
“The same thing happened to myself, Nanai, and our Neo Zeon forces,” added Char.
“I am also assuming that you might think that the date is different from what we think it is, correct?”
“It was UC0096, why do you ask?”
“Because I thought it was 2312 AD,” replied the man.
“UC0096? That would account for why your mobile suit was unfamiliar. I’m sure you can guess where Nanai and I think we’re from?” added Char. Banagher nodded.
“Now that we have all that cleared up, I think we can get to the business of figuring out how to get home. It really doesn’t matter where or even when we think that is, as long as we can get back there.”
Char walked over to Banagher.
“We got off on the wrong foot, but I hope you can understand that we don’t need to be enemies here. If we’re going to survive this, we need to pool our resources. What do you say?” Char held out a hand. Banagher wasn’t sure what to make of all this, but as long as he wasn’t a prisoner, he might as well help. Especially if what they said was true.
“Alright, I’ll help out, but this doesn’t mean I’m part of Neo Zeon,” said Banagher as he clasped hands with Char, to which Char grinned sardonically.
“I don’t believe your mobile suit really matches up with ours in any case.”
“Then we should finish exploring this facility. I’ll go see what I can get the computers to tell us,” the green-haired man said lazily as he strode out of the room.
“Who is that man?” asked Banagher, Char frowned a little.
“He calls himself Ribbons Almark and that’s about all I’ve gotten out of him. If I were you, I’d keep on eye on him, rather than us.

Elsewhere Garrod Ran helped Minevea Zabi to her feet.
“Sorry if I startled you,” he said, “I thought you were a friend of mine.”
“It’s all right,” she replied, brushing dust off of her sleeves.
“The name’s Garrod Ran,” he said cheerfully, holding out a hand for her to shake.
“I’m… Audrey Burne.” Not knowing where she was or what was going on, she had decided to keep using the name she had introduced herself to Banagher with. “Do you know where this place is Garrod?”
“Well, it seems to be Earth but I’m not so sure…” Over the course of the next few minutes, the two of them discovered that their stories were almost identical, with the exception that “Audrey” had been onboard a ship when she blacked out. Garrod also told her what he knew of the installation they were currently in.
“I guess I should take you to our leader… at least I guess that’s what he is. When I woke up here, there were already a bunch of us lying around, so we’ve kinda joined forces. But all I really want to do is find Tiffa.”
“Who is that?” asked Audrey.
“She’s… a close friend of mine that I have to find.”

Garrod led her through several nondescript hallways until they reached what must have been the central control room for this installation. Monitor stations with flat panel displays ringed the rectangular room, which was centered around a large holographic display table. There were four other individuals in the room, a brown-skinned boy dressed in a white button-up shirt, jeans and suspenders (whom Audrey mistook as a girl at first glance), a tall, beautiful woman in a white, red and grey uniform that Audrey didn’t recognize, another, violet-haired woman in a dark uniform…
Audrey stiffened as she realized the woman was wearing the uniform of the Titans, the renegade Federation taskforce that had oppressed the space colonies and whom the AEUG had fought against. And the last person in the room was wearing a white uniform and also had violet hair. As he turned to face her, Audrey felt a shock pulse through her as she saw that he was one of the last people she cared t run into in this situation. Paptimus Scirocco, the Man From Jupiter, schemer, mobile suit designer, unearthly powerful Newtype and second leader of the Titans… after he had the first one, Admiral Jamitov Hymem, assassinated. And as far as Audrey/Mineva knew, Patimus Scirocco was supposed to be dead, killed by Kamille Bidan, pilot of the Zeta Gundam.
“Ah Garrod, I see you’ve found another guest. And who might you be, young lady?” asked Scirocco, smooth as silk.
“I’m Audrey Burne. Garrod here told me about what happened to all of you. I assume all of our stories are similar?” she asked while trying not to be unnerved by Scirocco locking eyes with her. She’d stared down many powerful people in her time, but she almost got the feeling that Scirocco was trying to read her mind.
“You would be correct miss Burne. I am curious though, where did you come from?” Audrey frowned slightly, she should’ve expected something like that from Scirocco,
“I’m originally from a colony called Industrial 7,” she replied.
“Hmm, then perhaps you’re affiliated with Anaheim Electronics? I believe they maintain their technical college there?”
“I was a student there, yes.”
“Interesting then, that some of us here are military, some civilian, and at least one a royal.”
For a moment Audrey thought he meant her, but then realized he was speaking of someone else and cast a curious glance at the white-haired boy. He grinned back at her sheepishly.
“He doesn’t mean me. I’m just pain old Loran Cehack. Queen Dianna is who he means, but she’s resting right now, you can meet her later.”
“I see,” replied Audrey, wondering who exactly this ‘Queen Diana’ was.
“As I was saying to Captain Ramius here,” said Scirocco, “obviously wanting to steer the conversation back on course, “We need to do two things. We need to figure out where we are exactly and we also need to set up patrols. Some of our allies may be out there and there may also be enemies. I hope that everyone with a mobile suit will help out. Captain, I also hope that your ship can help as well?”
“Once we get the Archangel back up and running, we’ll see what we can do,” the lady captain replied. Audrey could tell that she wasn’t completely comfortable with taking orders or “suggestions” from a man like Scirocco and Audrey couldn’t blame the elder woman. From everything she’d heard, this man was a master manipulator. She’d have to be very careful here.
“All right! The sooner we get going, the sooner we can find Tiffa!” said Garrod happily as he left the room with Loran and Captain Ramius. Audrey made to go after them but was stopped when Scirocco said, “Miss Audrey, I hope that you too will give us your support,” with a hint of smirk.
Has he figured me out?
Audrey merely nodded in response and went after the three that had already left. She caught up with them and tapped Garrod on the shoulder.
“Excuse me Garrod, but if you and Loran are going out, could I ask a favor of you?”
“Sure, what’s up?”
“While you’re out, could you also keep an eye out for a friend of mine? His name is Banagher Links. He’s a mobile suit pilot like you.”
“Don’t worry Audrey, if he’s out there, we’ll find him!” replied Garrod enthusiastically.
“We’ll definitely do our best,” added Loran.
“Is this Banagher your boyfriend?” asked Captain Ramius with a knowing smile.
“No! No, he’s just a very close friend and if he is out there, I’d like to know that he’s okay.”
“Great! Let’s get going!” said Garrod as he bounded out of the corridor’s exterior exit.

Elsewhere, Treize Kushrenada regarded the masked man in the strange red uniform on his monitor carefully.

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 Post Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 7:53 am 
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It's a lot of Gundam series to handle. Think you can maintain all the characters and develop each well?

Otherwise, some comma work, that's all. Remind me to post about it later. I'm on the train.

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 Post Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 5:29 pm 
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viewtopic.php?f=11&t=14499

I have posted this on several places, and in all the time I've been writing, I've had exactly one person say anything about it. So yeah, I would like some kind of critique, because I feel like I'm doing various things wrong, I just don't know what.

I feel like I'm being an attention whore tho ._.

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 Post Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 7:51 pm 
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Hmmmm.... have you tried Fanfiction.net or Spacebattles? FFN is one of the largest Fanfiction Sites. While Spacebattles is one of the largest sci-fi fanfiction and other forum community.

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 Post Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 9:44 pm 
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Gyra Solune wrote:
http://www.mechatalk.net/viewtopic.php?f=11&t=14499

I have posted this on several places, and in all the time I've been writing, I've had exactly one person say anything about it. So yeah, I would like some kind of critique, because I feel like I'm doing various things wrong, I just don't know what.

I feel like I'm being an attention whore tho ._.


No probs. This is why we have this thread
But holy crap

the development of technology just went over 9000 there. Are you going to look at the reaction bound to erupt from a dazed society? People are generally afraid of massive changes...

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 Post Posted: Mon Nov 14, 2011 9:56 pm 
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Yeah, the arms race is a tad ridiculous. Then again, peoples' view of the future has changed over time. In the 1200s, people thought everything would be the same a thousand years from then. In our day and age, whatever we predict may well be surpassed by then. The shift in technology wouldn't have jumped THAT fast, so the first generation likely would've been somewhat thrown off but not massively upset. By the time they went to space in the 1700s (which by and far is the most ridiculous thing I put in that entire prologue), I'd think everyone would've adapted to the exponential technology increase, and react the way we did.

The story isn't much about society at large. In fact, I found that as I went further on writing, the more misleading the prologue was. It's still a war story, but it doesn't have that attitude. I'm not really sure how to describe it. I'd have to say the format is very much like a classic monster-of-the-week super robot show, but much less idealistic and taken somewhat more seriously, with somewhat too hasty plot development, considering this will be 44 days. I could've thought of numerous other backstories with the same end result, but...eh. It's arranged around this already.

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