Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

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Rob DS Zeta
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Rob DS Zeta » Thu Jan 27, 2011 4:23 pm

tehprognoob wrote:Then watch yourself VERY closely, because self-insertion has a strong tendency to produce Mary Sues.
... *facepalm*

As for your fic, I'm definitely not in the place to read it. Never watched Eva. Never plan to.
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by tehprognoob » Thu Jan 27, 2011 7:14 pm

Well, sorry if I confused you/was confused by you

I don't think that this thread got off to a very good beginning...
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Rob DS Zeta » Sun Jan 30, 2011 10:12 am

Just to say, I think this thread got off to a pretty good beginning. It got used, didn't it? You just have to wait for more people to come down with the urge to start a new story.
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by tehprognoob » Fri Feb 18, 2011 10:29 pm

Let's hope that this thread will still live:

So far, the title is under scrutiny, because the current isn't exactly the best.

The first segment of the first chapter, approx. 25% of the way in. The cast is introduced, as well as some puns. It is a bit macho, I must say...was thinking of lots of Gurren Lagann as I wrote it.
Prequel to Mobile Suit Gundam 00, from the perspective of a certain Union flying squad.
Excerpt from the diary of former Flying Lieutenant Carolyn M. Sue
October 25th, C.E. 2306
How sad it is that I have to watch the flag-draped casks drive by, standing in swathes of bandages, the only eye who can shed a true tear for my lost family. I never felt as small and insignificant as now, under a row of mobile suits instead of under one. Where will I go? What can I do? I can’t raise a sword anymore, or aim a linear rifle. I’m alone, living off of veteran pension while I waste away in seclusion. No more freedom of the skies, no more the tug of whipping wind, no more the smiles of my comrades.
Even now, this dairy, which has been with me for so long, warps with tears which flow over its pages. Salty drops of sorrow shed by a sole eye, the last of the 86th Reconnaissance Squadron, Union of Solar Energy and Free Nations 12th Mobile Suit Corps.
Mobile Suit Gundam 00: The Two Stripes
Phase I: Lolicon
June 1st, 2301
Corporal Abbey Jackson coughed embarrassedly.
“Janet, he’s not here. And it’s Corporal Jackson, dummy. Tuck your shirt in!”
Airman Janet Gray sighed in relief and grabbed the Corporal around the waist.
“Oh…I totally overslept! It was so cold…anyway, who’s this guy that’s supposed to be our Squadron Leader now? I hope he’s cute.
The blond hair of the Corporal fell over her eyes, momentarily distracting her. The Airman was already gone, joining the gaggle of her friends close by.
“I can’t believe Commander Perry got sent away…” a redheaded, tall and sharp-looking girl said mournfully. “He was nice.”
“Maybe that’s why he lost his command. Officers aren’t meant to be soft,” the Corporal said. All five of the other women of the 86th Reconnaissance Squadron paused to stare at the two upside-down Vs on her collar.
Really, Abbey…?” the other girl, a Sergeant, remarked. “Am I supposed to be a meanie to you?”
The two best friends stared at each other for a long moment, and then the entire squadron burst into giggles.
“Aww…Louise…please, stop teasing me like that!”
Abbey coughed again, a slight blush fading from her cheeks.
“Anyway, girls, line up! Commander Marshall’s going to be here soon!” she hissed. “Don’t be so silly!”
The door to the reception room hissed open, and the base General stepped in. The squadron gulped in unison and quickly stood to attention.
“At ease!” the General barked. “This is your new commander, ladies. Give him every ounce of respect-”
He sighed exasperatedly
“-that you gave to Commander Perry.”
He turned to a tall, strikingly handsome man in a Squadron Commander’s uniform.
“This is Commander Rio Mason. He’s a very highly accomplished Realdo pilot, and you should be honored that he is here to command your squadron, with its…rather disappointing combat record.”
The man, Rio Mason, looked obviously uptight and uncomfortable. Abbey peered at him innocently over the rims of her glasses. Her glittering blue eyes cringed into an almost crying face, and her lips began to pout. Commander Mason looked away, lightly shaking his head. Louise smiled prettily at the back of his head. The man was visibly shaken by the squad of cute young women that he was now forced to command.
“Yea, well…”
The General looked sharply at him. Mason coughed embarrassedly.
“Yes, I—that is—I am honored to be placed in charge of so…fine a squadron.”
He saluted stiffly, and the squad returned the salute with rather silly giggles. The General winced audibly.
“Well, then, I shall leave you to get acquainted. Commander Mason, please stop by my office later to drop off any paperwork…”
He turned his heels and left. Rio Mason stared at his back with a forlorn, helpless gaze.
Two weeks ago…
“Four demotions, twelve severe reprimands, flight status revoked fifteen times. You should’ve been court-martialed and sent home in disgrace by now.”
The general’s furious face lit the dim office.
“But with the AEU and the HRL so aggressive, we can’t afford losing hotshot pilots like you, so I’m putting you as a flying instructor for underperforming squadrons. There, maybe, your talents can be put to use without endangering your comrades.”
Mason’s heart sank a little; he did not really envy the poor souls stuck with bumbling recruits, trying to teach them not to fall out of the sky.
“Which squad, sir?” he inquired.
“The 86th Reconnaissance; Commander Perry was “promoted” back to Washington.”
Mason nearly fainted on the spot. The 86th Recon was an Union-wide joke; the somehow all-gorgeous-female squadron has the absolute worst performance out of the entire Union mobile suit corps. They were so inept that they were often left out of military reviews. Perry, their old commander, was a lonely man who loved the attention of the girls. In the end, the squad had degraded into an undisciplined, whiny and useless bunch of bimbos, thus, their nickname, the “Lolicon,” taken from “loli,” and “recon.”
“Sir, is there any other squad?” he moaned.
“No! And if you make the 86th able to fight again…”
The general smiled invitingly.
“And if they prove to be…more than I’d expected…”
He held up Rio’s thick file.
“Not only will all your past offenses be forgotten, you will also be promoted and filed as a fighter ace.”
He opened the folder, and on the first page was clipped a pre-signed, pre-approved application for customization of an ace’s mobile suit.
“Good deal, eh?”
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Rob DS Zeta » Fri Feb 25, 2011 10:10 pm

Because I just can't stop working on Gundam stuff... :roll:

This is the product of me A) loving every bit I can out of Gundam and B) playing waaaay too much Dynasty Warriors Gundam / Gundam Musou.

Right now, I'm just throwing out the first part. One character is pretty obviously written out of my ZOINKS, and I'd like to know if I've done their part right. To avoid spoiling, I'll just say that the character in question is 'covered in mud'.

Before I get started, let me say that this story is still under construction. Some parts might not be finished and any part is subject to change before final posting.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Gundam franchise or any other licensed material.

Heroes and Ghosts


Kira’s head hurt… That was all he could tell someone if they asked him how he felt at the moment.

“Agh…” he groaned, clutching his head in agony. “What happened last night?”

The young Coordinator wracked his mind. The last thing he remembered, he was out on the town with Lacus, Dearka, and Yzak. They had been eating at some place Dearka had recommended, and then…

“Did I pass out?” he asked himself, trying as hard as he could to remember. Unfortunately, all of this thinking just caused his head to hurt even more.

Calming himself, Kira tried to think rationally. The first thing he needed to do was get up and find somebody. Surely Lacus would know what had happened. If not Lacus, then Yzak would, at the very least, tell him about how he got hit on the head using the bluntest, most degrading words imaginable.

Rolling himself onto his side, Kira attempted to throw his legs from his bed. Strangely enough, though, all his legs did were land with thuds on the rather hard and firm mattress. In fact, what he was lying on did not feel like a mattress at all. It felt like…

“Grass…” the nineteen-year-old ZAFT Admiral, Diplomat, and Hero of the Earth-sphere, Kira Yamato, proclaimed in a voice that could only be described as ‘dumbfounded’.

Letting his eyes flutter open, Kira slowly started to soak in his surroundings. Sure enough, he was lying in a field of grass. Just to check, he dug his hand down below the grass, feeling the cold dirt. This was not the plain sod that lined the fields into the PLANTs. This was real, Earth-grown grass. He took in a breath through his nose, smelling the aroma that filled the air. It was like it had just rained. Pulling his hand back, he found it covered in trickling rainwater.

Pushing himself from the ground, Kira ran a hand through his hair, allowing it to dispel some of the water it had accumulated from the ground. There was no visible sky, so he did not have to worry about the sun hurting his weary eyes. The sky was gray with overcast, a vague white spot being the only sign that there was a sun at all.

The world around the teen reflected much of what the sky gave. It was dreary-looking, to say the least. There was a grayish-tan rock face in the distance before him. It sported a calm waterfall with water that was tainted gray by the sky. The waterfall fell into a river, which ran far and wide into the distance. The grass was green enough, though, as it ran down the hill ahead of him, towards the river.

“Huh…” Kira mused to himself, unsure what to make of his current situation. He had never seen a place like this before, drawing images from old story books to his mind. It was more surreal than anything, especially as he wiped the cool water from his hands.

Finally finding the urge to stand up, Kira wiped the wet grass and loose water from the frock of his ZAFT White uniform. He was rather surprised to see the grass stains form on the white fabric, and dread built in his mind that there was likely more on his back and shoulders. It made him wish that they had gone back to the house and changed their clothes before going out. If Dearka had not been so insistent that they get there ‘before the rush’.

“What kind of ‘rush’ starts after ten at night, anyway.” the young Councilor grumbled, trying to find some sort of humor to help ease his mind. It did not work very well, though. He was so used to bottling his emotions, that all of the confusion in his mind was staying right there. In his mind. Being a politician, a military leader, and a public figure had done that to him on only a year. Not to mention the two wars. They had not helped much on that front, either. Actually, he reminded himself, if it were not for Lacus he would have likely cracked and thrown himself off of a cliff a few years ago.

Deciding that there was nothing helpful in the direction of the river, Kira turned around to see what was in the other directions. To his right was a large forest that eventually led to another rock face. To the left was, much to Kira’s dismay, a cliff that led to another green field. With his flanks hopeless, he turned himself around entirely. He braced himself for more of the field, but most of the green was obscured by something much more prominent in the view.

Two metallic legs, naturally a pair, colored a similar dull gray to the sky. Their appearance caused Kira to blink. Had they been there this whole time? As Kira wondered this, his eyes trailed up the legs, leading him to a pair of folded rail cannons, a familiar torso, and then to the arms. One hand held a white rifle, and the other a black and red shield. Finally, there was the stalwart head and large, folded back wings.

Kira’s eyes went wide at the sight, as it was one he thought he would never see again.
“Freedom…” he said the machine’s name as it stared into the distance, its yellow eyes waiting to be activated. It was the X10A Freedom, his machine from the first Bloody Valentine War.

“I just can’t get away from you, can I?” Kira jokingly nagged at the mobile suit’s imposing figure. It just sat there, of course, it’s cockpit open and the automatic step waiting for Kira to grab on. “It’s like you followed me here.”

Seeing no better option than to take the Gundam’s offer, Kira heaved a heavy sigh and proceeded to approach the automatic step. Upon reaching the step, Kira took hold of the hand grip and stepped on. The mechanism was pressure-activated, so the instant it detected Kira’s weight, it started to lift him up.

Kira took the ride up as an opportunity to look at the landscape one more time. The river in the expanse looked rather peaceful, in spite of the gray coloring. As nice as it seemed, this was no time for him to rest. He had to find out where he was and how fast he could get back to Aprilius One. Unfortunately, the Freedom alone could not get him into space. If anything, it would hinder him from docking at an average spaceport. He would likely have to head to Orb and take a shuttle. As for the Freedom…

“One step at a time.” Kira told himself. He would figure that out eventually. Even if he had to leave it at a Terminal outpost on Earth, three of which he could think of that had mobile suit hangars, he would make sure to preserve this machine.

The sudden feeling of stopping brought Kira back to the present. He had reached the cockpit, so he threw himself into the Freedom’s seat. It was warm, as if having just been occupied. It was like the Impulse had never even touched it. It was exactly as it had been before launching that day.

Kira had never been so content to be in the cockpit of a mobile suit.

Deciding that he had best be getting going, Kira closed the cockpit and proceeded to fire the machine up. It was actually the first time Kira had been in a mobile suit at all in almost six months, but it still came to him without hesitation. He flexed his hands on the controls, grasping them with each individual finger. It was rare that he got to fly a mobile suit without actually going into combat, but this was always the machine he would have wanted to do take a joyride in.

“Kira Yamato,” he mocked himself aloud, a grin appearing on his face. “Freedom Gundam! Taking off!”

Lighting the thrusters, Kira felt the sudden jolt as the Freedom left the ground and blasted into the air with enough force to level a building. Within seconds, they were above the cloud line, tearing across the sound barrier as Kira waited for the Freedom’s computer to obtain data on their surroundings.


Elsewhere, Haman Karn was walking disdainfully through a forest. She grunted a few curses as she clutched her pistol in both hands, checking her surroundings for whoever might have left her here. She was covered in mud, having woken up lying in a puddle of it. She did not know what to make of it, so she simply stood and got herself underway.

It was despicable. The last thing she remembered was fighting Judau and… losing, as much as it pained her to admit it to herself. She had hoped for a tie, but such was fate. Whether it was Char, Kamille, Glemy, or Judau, she was always getting snuffed by boys. And if it wasn’t a pilot crossing her, then it was one getting all zealous for her, like that creep with the rose, Mashymre Cello… Although the thing with Cello was entirely her fault in the first place… as was Kamille.

The Neo Zeon leader shook her head, trying to get the thoughts of what had happened before out of her head. She needed to focus on the present. Whether or not she had terrible luck with boys, at the moment she was stuck lugging her half-dead ass through some dark, muddy woods.

“Where the hell am I?” Haman finally asked herself as she pulled another one of her black and gold normal suit’s boots out of the sticky mud of the forest floor. She could not imagine that she was on a colony, seeing as they were not nearly this rural. She had been walking for almost an hour, and she had not seen a single sign of civilization. No human footprints, no animal tracks, nothing. It was like she was only thing in the world that wasn’t a tree, grass or-



Letting out a growl as she shook the brown goo from her boot, Haman looked up. The sky above the tree canopy was gray, likely because of clouds. Weather… That was something that certainly did not belong on a space colony. That meant that she was on Earth, but how did she get here? Naturally, she thought that someone had rescued her from her wrecked Qubeley. What else could have happened?

On the other hand, if somewhat was to go through all of the trouble of making sure that she did not die from the suicide attempt that she had pulled off for Judau’s sake, why would they just drop her in some Earth forest? Not to mention in the mud of some Earth forest? To her, it seemed to almost defeat the whole purpose of performing the rescue.

Heaving a sigh, Haman stopped to lean against one of the trees. She had been walking for so long, now all of this thinking was actually starting to tire her out. She could barely remember the last time she been able to actually relax. The end of the war, getting backed into a corner like that, had really had a negative effect on her.

“If it hadn’t been for Glemy…” she cursed her former underling. It had been his little rebellion that had really doomed Neo Zeon. Haman herself might be the Ghost of Zeon, but Glemy was the ghost of something much worse. If anything, he was the ghost of Gihren Zabi, and that was something that everyone could do without.

Deciding that she was getting nowhere by just standing still, Haman decisively held her pistol up again and once again started looking for the end of the forest. For her, it could not come fast enough.


“What do you mean ‘there’s no relevant map data’?”

Kira was baffled. The Freedom’s computer had failed to pull up any data on the surrounding area, which bothered him quite a bit. Without map data, all Kira could really do was fly around until he found a city. For all he knew, though, he was in the middle of some uninhabited region. That was, in all logic, even more baffling to him. He had no idea that there was such a large and green area without so much as a village in it.

One thing that was for sure, though, was that flying above the clouds was out of the question. He needed to be able to see the land. Even if his target locator was active, it would not help him if he came across, say, a little place like Reverend Malchio’s. At this point, any kind of civilization would be a great help to him. He needed to get back to Aprilius as soon as possible, or else he would have a mountain of paperwork waiting for him, not to mention Lacus would probably have him kicked out of the Diplomatic Corps.

As for the Freedom, he really had no idea what to do about it. He had pondered Terminal, the Junk Guild, and a few other solutions, but first he would have to find out where he was. Without map data, he was little more than a fish in the ocean.
If he was going to be a fish, though, the Freedom assured that he would be an extremely fast one.

Breaking back below the cloud line, Kira slowed himself so that he could actually see what was passing below him. At the moment, it was a sea of trees that seemed to stretch on forever. The trees were dark, however, blocking the Coordinator from seeing anything within the mass. It made Kira wish that the sun would come out. The clouds did not seem to want to break, though. It was like the weather of this place was perpetually gloomy.

Moving back up to dodge a mountain, Kira was once again over the clouds. Up here, the sun was shining. The Freedom’s shadow cast a perfect silhouette upon the thick layer of undulating condensation. His only gripe with the clouds was that they were so low that he had no idea about what was below them. For all he knew, he could fly through them and smash right into a mountain.

Pulling his throttle back, Kira slowed his pace even more. He leaned back in his seat and let out a sigh. This was certainly not getting him anywhere productive. At this rate, he could be flying around for days before he found a city. All he could do at the moment was have faith in the direction he was going on, but that did little to nothing for his confidence.


The sudden ping on the Freedom’s dash caused Kira to perk up considerably. Instantly, his negative thoughts went away. Praying that he had thought too soon, he pulled his throttle back even more so that he could come within close range with the flashing blip. Within seconds, the computer was coming up with data.


“Huh?” Kira mumbled as the computer brought up some quick analysis that it had pulled off of the targeted object. The label, ‘unknown type’, meant that it was a mobile suit. “A mobile suit? Out here?”

True to its label, the model brought up by the computer was definitely something Kira had never seen before. It had many long, almost seemingly extraneous parts. Large shoulder binders, almost like wings, sat upon the machine’s frame, giving it a very regal appearance. Its head also seemed to be elongated in the back. It was not a Gundam, that was for sure. Whatever it was, though, it did not seem to have any visible weapons, but that did not make it any less dangerous.

Finally coming within range of the strange machine, Kira descended below the clouds again to see his discovery in person.


Haman could not believe how bad her luck was becoming. After trudging her mud-covered self all the way through this forest and finding the end of it, now there was a mobile suit flying somewhere above her. She had not quite reached the end of the woods, but she knew full and well that the incoming mobile suit was not far off.

Upon finally reaching the light at the end of the trees, what Haman found stunned her. Not one mobile suit, but two! Two mobile suits stood not twenty meters from her stop at the dark forest’s edge! The first one was exactly what she had not wanted to see. Blue and white…

“Gundam…” Haman murmured in frustration. The anger, however, did not come solely from the fact that it was the white and blue structure of a Gundam that had appeared in her way. No, it was mainly the fact that the other mobile suit, the one that the Gundam seemed to be investigating, was none other than Haman’s personal mobile suit.

“You’d better not lay a hand on my Qubeley, Gundam!”


Inside the Freedom, Kira’s monitor suddenly zoomed in on another spot. He glanced over, finding something he had wanted to see.

“A person! Is it the pilot?” he asked himself, taking in the odd-looking woman. She had pink hair, though it was a slightly deeper shade than Lacus’s, and wore a very fancy looking suit of gold and black. Her face was one of what appeared to be extreme irritation, which caused Kira to grimace.

You’d better not lay a hand on my Qubeley, Gundam!

“What?” Kira exclaimed, feeling the intimidation in the woman’s voice. He thought about getting out and trying to reason with her, but noticed the gun in her hand. It was not pointed at him, though, but he was not positive that she would not just take a shot at him the instant he got out of his cockpit.

So, without further ado, Kira activated the Freedom’s speaker system, which was intended for a much more commanding use than this, and tried to put his political protocol training to use.

“Um… Hi there.”

Haman promptly propped an eyebrow at the nervous greeting. It sounded like a teenager with a frog in his throat speaking. She inwardly laughed at the thought of having to deal with another teenaged Gundam pilot, but she’d have to deal with it for now. He had contacted her, which meant that he was probably willing to negotiate.

“You can hear me?” she spoke loud and clear as she slowly emerged from the tree line and into the dreary field that was separating her from her Qubeley.

“Yes.” Kira confirmed, nodding in out of habit. “Is this your mobile suit?”

“Yes, it is.” Haman claimed, a smirk climbing onto her face as a result of the pilot’s polite behavior. Whoever he was, he was much more civil than the other Gundam pilots she had come against over the years, especially Judau. “I’d be very appreciative if you left it alone.”

“O-Oh!” the pilot stuttered, almost causing Haman to start laughing. She watched with amusement as the imposing machine took a few steps away from the Qubeley. Haman jumped at this chance to get to her machine. Moving as fast as she could without overexerting her tired body, the Ghost of Zeon moved up and mounted her personal specter.

Feeling the Qubeley’s controls in her hands put Haman at ease, allowing her to catch her breath. Finally, she was somewhere that she could actually control her destiny from. It came to her as she shut the hatch and started the mobile suit up: This was a second chance at life for her. She would not squander it this time.

A ringing noise from her console caught Haman’s attention, telling her that the Gundam was hailing her. She thought about ignoring it, seeing as she owed the Gundam pilot little, if anything at all. But, then again, her instincts told her that she might be able to make use of a Gundam as her ally. It would certainly be a nice change from her last situation, when she had the Double Zeta breathing down her neck.

Stroking a button on her console communicator, she answered the hail. An image came onto her screen, showing her the image of a young man spikey brown hair in a white military uniform of sorts. As it was, though, the uniform was disturbed by what appeared to be grass stains. Haman had no place to complain, though, seeing as her lavish flight suit was featuring caked on mud for the time being.

“Who are you? Where are we?” Haman bombarded the Gundam pilot with questions. Now that she was behind the controls of the Qubeley, her confidence in the situation was higher than ever. No way would she let another Gundam beat her. Not now, and not ever again.

“I don’t know.” the young man replied, trying to brush off Haman’s brusque approach. “I don’t even know how I got here.”

Haman did her best to hide her shock. If what the Gundam pilot was saying was true, then he was in a similar situation to her.

“Hmm… That’s not what I wanted to hear.” she stated aloud, giving the boy a grim look. “My name is Haman Karn. And you are…?”

“Kira Yamato. I’m a member of the ZAFT Diplomatic Council and a White Coat in their forces.”

Haman perked an eyebrow at the boy’s titling. From the sound of it, he was some sort of politician-slash-military officer, which made for a dangerous combination.

…or a powerful ally.

However, there was also the matter of fact that she did not have any idea what ZAFT was. She could work around that, though, so long as he was willing to cooperate.

“Kira Yamato,” she said the boy’s name. “I know that this might not be the most opportune time, but perhaps we should join forces?”

Kira gave Haman a questioning look, slightly put off by her sudden offer.

“Join forces?” he inquired, not liking where this was going. Her reaction told him that she was in a situation similar to his, and that could not mean anything good.

“Yes… You do know what that means, right?” Haman questioned the boy’s intelligence, a smirk of amusement crawling onto her somewhat haggard features. “I don’t have any idea how I got here, and you don't seem to be in such a familiar situation yourself.”

Kira felt his yes widen slightly. She had called him on that. She was right about him, and that meant that they were in a similar boat. Still, there was something about Haman Karn that troubled Kira. Perhaps it was her voice? He could not be certain.

"You're correct about that. I don't know how I wound up here," Kira admitted, not wavering at Haman's confident leer. "However, that doesn't mean that I'm going to just join up with you just like that.

Haman closed her eyes for a moment, hiding her insatiable urge to roll them at the Gundam pilot. While he was not quite the social master, he at least had the thought capacity for caution.

“Listen,” she started back, looking at Kira in all seriousness before he could start stuttering again. “For now, we need to work together. You don’t know where you are. I don’t know where I am. It makes us natural allies.”

Kira gave his head a light shake at that. As strange as this all was, the woman made sense. Two heads were better than one, after all.

“Okay,” Kira finally voiced his decision. “I’ll work with you until we find out what’s going on.”

Haman let out a pleased chuckle at this. This one would be easy to manipulate if necessary. She could see it as he struggled to think. He was not used to making his own life decisions. However, she could also feel no Newtype pressure from him. That would likely limit his use as a Gundam pilot, but she could work around that.

“Very well,” Haman said disarmingly, wanting to put the boy at ease so that he could focus. “Here’s to us, Kira Yamato.”

Kira did his best not to grimace again.
If you see an error, I would be appreciative if you would alert me to it. Otherwise, expect a full chapter to possibly be presented within the next week or so.
*insert witty eyecatch here*

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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by tehprognoob » Fri Feb 25, 2011 10:36 pm

lol. for a second I thought that someone waterboarded kira in the first sentence or two.
not altogether bad. a crossover between seed and zz would be nice, though i await the quebly falling out of the sky due to the lack of a n-jammer canceler if they go to the seed world.
i hope that ur gonna explain the weird natural scenery and prescence of their MS. i personally want a tad more realism splashed in, likke ms malfunctions and food shortage, not to mention awkward moments due to private needs. kira's plenty simpleminded for haman to control, i suppose...but do the scenery make an allusion to the chinese wilderness depicted in dynasty warriors?

and what of mine? any thoughts?
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Rob DS Zeta » Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:01 pm

Your comments on mine: You're thinking waaaaay too hard, not to mention that you're getting waaaaay ahead of the story. That's only about half of the first chapter of what might turn out to be a 25-50 chapter epic. You have to give the story a little time to develop.

It's not a ZZ/SEED x-over. It's a Gundam x-over. I plan to introduce one more pilot from another timeline (or maybe from the later UC) before the chapter is complete. Also, they won't be going to the actual SEED universe, so don't worry about Qubeley. She'll be fine.

As for the reality stuff, it'll definitely happen. I already planned on it, actually. It wouldn't be Gundam without a little personal struggle, food shortage, fan service, etc.

As for yours... Aside from the opener, it's hard for me to take it seriously. I know that the silliness is intentional, but it's not quite my cup of tea when I go looking for a mecha story.

Also, I think it'd help if you put spaces between your paragraphs. I know it takes time, but it'll look a lot cleaner (and be easier to read) if you put some spacing into it.

In the quality department, it isn't bad. The girls talk like girls and the guy is obviously perturbed by them. As unrealistic as it is, it's still more original than some of the dreck I've come across.
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by tehprognoob » Sat Feb 26, 2011 6:37 pm

my comments on urs:
right, i do think too hard. i try to all the time.
the quebley business is just something that i thought would be lulzy. as for the getting ahead, you can credit that to the overthinking. i guess the first part of a chapter isnt much to go on, so i tried to stretch my review out a bit.

ur comments on mine:
something strange happens to the formatting when it arrives on the forums...
yea, the point is that they are silly to begin with. the opener is there to provide some contrast. but do you think that it's too much of a spoiler?
and please expand on the "unrealistic" part?
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Rob DS Zeta » Sat Feb 26, 2011 7:21 pm

tehprognoob wrote:and please expand on the "unrealistic" part?
Well, in my extremely limited military experience, they usually don't group screw-ups together. It's just bad for all parties.
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by tehprognoob » Sat Feb 26, 2011 7:51 pm

the idea was that they were great, but got spoiled by their overaffectionate commander. meh, maybe screw ups get put together to contain the screwiness.
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Rob DS Zeta » Sat Feb 26, 2011 7:54 pm

tehprognoob wrote:the idea was that they were great, but got spoiled by their overaffectionate commander.
That, good sir, is one of those things that you state in the early parts. XD
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by tehprognoob » Sat Feb 26, 2011 8:02 pm

I believe that was in the conversation between Rio and the general. (Notice the name? Imma do summing clever with that XD)
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Arbiter GUNDAM » Sun Mar 06, 2011 4:22 pm

Hmm, it's been a while since I've been on here, but I'm giving it another shot. This is a preview of the first chapter of my fic, Alternate Mobile Report Gundam Wing, basically a GW re-write.
Alternate Mobile Report Gundam Wing

Episode 1: Six Young Warriors

With high expectations, human beings leave earth to begin new lives in space colonies. But the United Earthsphere Alliance gains great military power and soon seizes control of one colony after another in the name of “justice and peace.” The year is After Colony 195. The Earthsphere is spiraling into chaos as the colonial revolutionary group White Fang clashes with the Alliance’s space forces. White Fang has created a plan with which they hope to deliver the deathblow to the Alliance—Operation: Meteor.

In the L5 LaGrange point, at colony A0206, Wufei Chang stood before the leaders of his clan and tried his best to control the volume of his voice. And failed.
“You’re dropping this colony onto earth? You’re nuts! I will be piloting Shenlong to get rid of the evils of the universe!”
“The Alliance has already decided to dispose of this colony,” replied the leader of the clan, Master Long.
“Rather than watch as it’s destroyed, it’d be more worthwhile to go ahead with Operation: Meteor,” replied one of the other heads.
“All we have to do is defeat the enemies that must be defeated,” Wufei shot back, but he could see that his pleas were falling on deaf ears. He couldn’t understand why they were doing this. How could they think that sacrificing all the thousands and thousands of lives aboard the colony could possibly lead to peace!
He turned to see his young wife Meiran, who was fifteen years old as he was. She had spoken to him but was glaring at the clan heads.
“We should just go. We’re not going to convince them.”
Wufei was about to argue back but Master Long beat him to the punch.
“Wufei! Go to Master O and the Shenlong and prepare! We have decided our course of action and it is you’re duty to carry it out.”
No arguing there. Wufei shot one more dirty look at them and he and Meiran turned their backs and left. This was a major breach of protocol; you ALWAYS bowed to the elders when you left their presence. It was an indication of how frustrated they were.
“This is insane! There must be something that we can do,” Meiran said angrily. Wufei snorted as he threw one last look back at the receding Hall of Elders.
“They’ve made up their minds,” he said bitterly.
“Perhaps you could take Shenlong and—“
“Unthinkable. Master O would certainly have some way to stop me should such a thing happen. I will swallow my pride and carry out the will of the Elders,” he said, the bitterness in his voice growing.
“Even though that means playing party to the murder of a billion innocent people?” asked Meiran, staring straight at him.
“Yes,” said Wufei, without emotion.
What the two of them did not see as they left the Elders’ Hall was a pair of men in dark suits come out from behind a partially concealed door in the back of the room. One of them nodded at Master Long.
“You’re doing well. The Barton Foundation appreciates your cooperation.


The hangar was dark and Duo Maxwell preferred it that way. Dark for dark business. He took the last of the charges and placed it carefully, drawing a hand across his brow as he finished. He straightened and grinned at his own handiwork and then hopped down from the massive, humanoid form he had been standing on. Retreating into a side door, he reached into his shirt and pulled out a small cylinder capped with a red button on one end. He pulled and twisted the opposite end of the device and then placed his thumb on the button. Sighing, he glanced back at the giant lying prone just a few meters away from him.
“So this is how everything ends huh?” he asked to no one in particular. Without another moment’s hesitation, he pushed the button. Nothing happened. He tried again, then twice more but still nothing.
“What the heck? Why won’t it work?” he growled softly and then peered back into the hangar. “What did I do wrong?”
“Duo!” called a voice from the shadowy recesses of the unlit corridor. Duo whipped around to see who had called to him and let out a startled gasp. The man who stood before him, partially in shadow was old, his hair iron grey and cut into a preposterous bowl shape. He had a long, beaked nose, sharp cheekbones and chin, glittering dark eyes, a razor straight mustache the same color as his hair and a wicked looking scar along his left cheekbone. He held his clenched fist in front of him and slowly opened it. With a metallic tinkling, the detonator pins from Duo’s explosives clatter to the ground.
“Deathscythe is an excellent piece of art. Try to think of better way to use it than simply destroying it,” said Professor G.
“If you think I’m going to let my buddy here be used as a tool for murder…” Duo said and then let out a startled yelp when the Professor reached into Duo’s shirt and pulled out a pistol.
“Hmm, I see you were also planning to kill me as well.”
“I was going to kill everyone here including myself. If it meant peace for the colonies, I’d be the God of Death any day.”
“If you’re prepared to go that far Duo, try and outwit me.”
The Professor put a fatherly hand on Duo’s shoulder and leaned close so that his voice could be heard only by Duo.
“Duo, why don’t you steal Deathscythe?”
“What are you--“ Duo began but the Professor cut him off.
“Take it to Earth now. Just ignore Operation: Meteor,” the Professor said, handing Duo his gun back and starting to walk back down the shadowy hallway.
“There’s a man called Howard on the Pacific Ocean,” he said, his voice echoing slightly as he faded back into darkness, “You can rely on him. Of course go as the God of Death.”
Duo stared after the Professor for a moment, perplexed then began to grin.
“The God of Death huh?” he said to no one in particular, twirling his gun like a cowboy, “Well, it’s better than being the hero of a massacre.”


The young man placed the helmet on his head and secured it to the normal suit’s collar with a snap. He checked himself over and nodded once in satisfaction. It had only taken him two minutes to put the ensemble on, a personal best. Without further inspection he left the locker room, walked down a corridor and entered a large enclosed hangar. In the center a large, graceful, winged ship dangled from several holding arms. At the end of the ramp leading to the ship’s cockpit was a man dressed in a white lab coat and rumpled clothes. What was most noticeable about this scientist’s appearance were the mechanical aspects. He wore vision-enhancing lenses over his eyes, his right hand had been replaced with a three-fingered prosthetic and metal braces encased his legs. His long, white-gray hair was swept behind him with a noticeable widow’s peak on his forehead and his large grey mustache drooped artfully either side of his mouth. The scientist grinned as he saw the young man approach.
“Ah there you are! I was beginning to think that you weren’t coming,” he chuckled.
“Is the Wing ready for launch Doctor J?” the boy asked, completely missing the little joke. Doctor J sighed and motioned for the boy to climb up into the cockpit, which he did, expertly strapping himself in and started to run pre-launch checks. Doctor J gazed up at this boy. He was once a very kind-hearted young man, he thought, remembering a mission gone awry and a dead puppy.
“Operation: Meteor is about to commence. Before we send you out, we need to think of a codename for you,” said J. The boy merely looked at him, it wasn’t his job to come up with names.
“Let’s use the name of the late leader of the colonies.”
“Roger that,” replied the boy, not caring one whit. He wouldn’t have minded if the codename had been something like John Smith or just plain ridiculous like Lockon Stratos. He was here to perform his mission and that was all he really needed to worry about.
“Very well then… Heero Yuy it is. Now Heero, I have trained you to be the most perfect soldier we have for this mission of piloting the Wing. But as a soldier you must also know when to creatively interpret your orders to get the mission done.
“What do you mean?” asked Heero, somewhat confused as to what his mentor meant,
“I mean that you have choices as to how to best carry out Operation: Meteor as a soldier. You can carry out the plan as it stands, you can try to alter the plan so that we have a more favorable outcome or you could just ignore it all together. Those are your choices Heero.” Heero was confused. Why would he not carry out the plan? Operation: Meteor was what the White Fang had been working towards for all these years.
“I’m not sure what you mean Doctor,” he replied neutrally.
“Think of it this way Heero. If Operation: Meteor is successful, there will be a very large amount of blood on yours and my hands. How much blood is already on your hands and how much more do you want add?” That statement jolted painful memories for Heero, memories of an explosion, a little girl and her dog and death. He shut them out with a slight wince; he couldn’t afford to have distractions anymore. There was only the mission.
“Ready for launch,” he replied tonelessly. Doctor J sighed again and punched the button on the ramp’s console that retracted the ramp away from the Wing.
“Good luck Heero Yuy,” he said, a trace of mournfulness in his voice as the Wing’s hatch sealed itself.
I guess this makes me a mad scientist after all, Doctor J thought to himself with dark humor. Like Frankenstein, I have created a monster and heaven help those poor souls that get in his way.


The young blond-haired man stared back at his mentor, shock evident in his eyes.
“Yes, that capability has been installed in Sandrock. You weren’t supposed to know about it ‘till you needed it but I’m also not surprised you found out either,” replied the boy’s mentor. He was somewhat overweight with large puffy cheeks, a receding hairline, small, watery eyes and a violently straight mustache that stuck out straight at each end. The dark hair that he had left, curled to each side at the back of his head. He was smiling, widely and genuinely. This man’s name was Instructor H.
“Is it for confidentiality protection?” asked the boy.
“No, that’s not the reason. It’s expected that anyone possessing great power should be prepared to sacrifice themselves if necessary.”
“I… I still don’t understand?” replied the boy, uncertainty reflected in his eyes. Instructor H chuckled slightly.
“That’s fine, you don’t have to…” He was interrupted as the computer screen on the panel they were standing next to lit up, lines over information rolling by, headed by the words Code M.
“Is that an order from the Organization?” asked the boy, moving to get a closer look at the screen but the Instructor blocked him.
“Forget this thing,” he said and to they boy’s astonishment, he smashed the screen in and yanked out the microphone assembly next to it. Still holding the remnants in his hand, he turned and smiled with fatherly pride at the boy.
“Quatre my boy, fight as your heart tells you too. And use that self-detonate only when you feel you have too.”
Quatre Rababa Winner, heir to the Winner family of the L4 colonies nodded once to his mentor and walked out of the door of the control room. He jumped over the catwalk attached to the room and floated in the low gravity towards a large, ominous form standing upright against the wall. Instructor H watched him go with a noticeable lack of his previous good cheer.
I can’t take away his kindness and sincerity. Though… this may end up being a crueler destiny for him than Operation: Meteor.

In the shadowed recesses of the secret hangar on colony L3X18999, Trowa Barton, a tall, muscular young man with a square-jaw, narrow eyes and thick brown hair, glared at the man across from him. The man was much older than Trowa, slightly taller, with a wild mane of gray hair swept back along his skull. He was actually fairly ordinary looking except for a prosthetic nose, fastened to his face by wires that circled behind his ears. He was dressed in blue pants and a blue jacket that fastened off to the side.
“What is this?” Trowa demanded of the man, clutching a roll of papers in his hand, “Why would you want to limit all of our attacks to OZ?!”
The man, Doktor S by name, straightened, clasping his hands behind his back.
“Trowa if we go through with Operation: Meteor as planned then two billion people will die. Don’t you think that’s going much too far for revenge for President Yuy?” replied Doktor S calmly in his nasally voice. Trowa, for his part, looked incredulous.
“The purpose of this plan is not revenge!” he yelled, “The purpose of the plan is for the colonies to conquer Earth for the awakening of a new age of mankind!”
“I see,” replied the Doktor icily, “That certainly sounds like something that Dekim of the Barton Foundation would say.”
“You have something against that huh?” replied Trowa in a low dangerous tone, “You’re jealous that my father and I and the members of the Foundation will rule the Earthsphere!” With a snarl, Trowa angrily brushed past Doktor S and his assistant.
“Trowa, where are you going?” asked the Doktor, already suspecting the answer in his mind.
“I’m telling this to my father! Just watch me, I’ll complete Operation: Meteor, even if I must do so by myself!” It was the last thing that Trowa Barton said in this life. A gunshot, canon-like thanks to the hangar’s echoes, thundered forth from the 9mm pistol that the assistant had pulled from behind his jacket. The bullet struck Trowa squarely in the left side of his back. The man collapsed to the floor. He had just enough life left in him to turn his head to the side and try to glare at the two, his last breath gurgled from between his lips and then he was gone. Doktor S sighed and stared ruefully at Trowa’s lifeless body.
“Now you’ve done it,” he said.
“I’m sorry,” replied the assistant, “but I have a family on Earth and I couldn’t just…” there was a rattle from behind some barrels off to the side of the giant humanoid machine that cut off the assistant in mid-sentence. He instantly whipped his gun up and pointed it at the source of the noise.
“Who’s there?!” he called, “Show yourself!”
To both the assistant’s and Doktor S’s surprise a young man, younger than Trowa stepped out from behind the barrels. He was tall and thin for a boy his age with short brown hair except for his bangs, which were long and swept to the side, partially covering one bright green eye. He was dressed in the orange and white-striped jumpsuits of the workers of this secret project.
“Who are you?” asked Doktor S vaguely recalling that he had seen the boy before.
“I have no name. If you must call me something, call me No-Name,” answered the boy in calm, strong voice. Doktor S smiled in response. Yes, he knew this mechanic, the young, quiet boy who had helped him apply the magnetic coatings to the drive systems.
“Were you spying on us?” demanded the assistant, pointing his gun shakily at No-Name.
“I was not. I’ll understand if you still want to kill me but I warn you, I might retaliate,” said the boy, a dangerous glint in his eye. Doktor S put his hand on the Assistant’s hands, which were clutching the gun vigorously.
“No, there’s been enough killing. It’s no use trying to hide the facts now. Trowa’s death will be discovered eventually and Operation: Meteor will proceed as planned.”
“But what if he never died?” asked No-Name. Doktor S and the assistant looked at him quizzically.
“I’ve been feeling insecure and foolish without a name, I wouldn’t mind taking his name,” said No-Name, gesturing casually at Trowa’s body. Doktor S, genius that he was, caught on to what the boy was getting at.
“Are you saying that you will pilot this Heavyarms suit?” asked the Doktor.
“Yes, as I’ve been working on the Heavyarms I’ve become quite fond of it.” No-Name then stared straight into Doktor S’s eyes. “I don’t like that it is to be used as a tool for slaughter.” The Doktor held the boy’s gaze for a moment, then smiled ruefully.
“Why not? As of this moment, your name is Trowa Barton. You are now in charge of Operation: Meteor.”
“I understand,” replied ‘Trowa.’


The five LaGrange points are the gravitationally stable orbits between the Earth and the moon where humanity had built the space colonies. Now, from colonies located in L1, L2, L3, and L4 large space capsules were launched and spiraled towards the L5 point, particularly the L5 colony A0206. On the outer edge of the colony a solitary mobile suit stood sentinel. It was brightly colored in white and red with blue and gold trim. The suit bore a very strong resemblance to ancient samurai armor giving it a powerful and fierce look. Inside of this suit, the Shenlong, Wufei Chang gazed at the interior screens, which showed a vista of space and the Earth, which was slowly but surely getting larger and larger. The massive space colony, one of the first of its kind and more than 150 years old, was falling. And Wufei Chang, with all the power his Shenlong commanded, was powerless to stop it.
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Heretic » Mon Mar 07, 2011 12:52 am

TPN, I've read your Code Evangelion Fan Fic in progress. I'd like to share some of my thoughts on it before posting up something for the opinions of others and my own entertainment.

I was a little thrown off by the setup, I wasn't entirely sure who fit into where and it's a little hard to follow with how some events are jumped over. Skipping or mentioning a majority of the C G events in passing creates a lack of time scene. Time would have passed according to the event time-line, but it doesn't feel like it has passed we only get short snippets of what is going on with no mention of time passing.

Aside from this I like how your execution of the concept is going, I'm interested in finding out how the events of the two stories end up intermingling and changing each other.

Now for what I'm working on with regards to Fan Fiction. I watched the movie “Robot Jox” a few days ago out of my geeky need to see how bad it was. And boy was it. The effects were half-assed even for their time, the acting was bad and the script inherently sexist with the next generation genetically engineered pilot who has trained from birth, loosing to the Russian pilot because she's just a girl and having to be saved by the manly male lead character.

So in my tradition of taking things that are bad and cheesy into things that are good and slightly less cheesy, I'm re-writing the movie. I'm justified in posting it here because even though it isn't anime, it is most defiantly mecha.
Robot Jox Re-write

The world has been devastated by nuclear war, mighty nations have fallen. But there is hope for the survivors. When it became clear that the war could not be stopped, a group of scientists from every nation secretly began working on a way to reclaim areas contaminated by fallout and protect as much of the civilian population as possible.

When the dust had settled, these scientists formed an organization called The Foundation, mandated to be impartial arbiters of deputes between the newly forming survivor states. But not all conflicts can be resolved with words or bargaining. Even with the near destruction of the Earth, human nature required physical struggle.

To maintain order and still facilitate this need, the Foundation instituted a form of gladiatorial single combat, where the champions of each survivor state could fight using the most advanced weapons they could develop.

These weapons took the form of the massive Mobile Humanoid Weapon-platform, MHWs. But the media and general public calls them simply Robots, and the champions who pilot them, they call...

Robot Jox! (Cue cheesy 80s synth music)

On a snow covered expanse of Siberian tundra littered with burnt and twisted piles of scrap, two titans battled. One the wight and red of the North American Dominion, the other the black and yellow of the Siberian Union---
That's what I have for now, I need to think some more about how the fight will progress and design the two robots before proceeding.
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by tehprognoob » Mon Mar 07, 2011 7:48 am

arbiter, i think that first you said a billion ppl would die, and then you said 2 billion...
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Arbiter GUNDAM » Mon Mar 07, 2011 9:11 pm

The reason that Meilan only said a billion and later Doktor S said two billion is that the good Doktor has been able to make estimations to that fact becuase he's a scientist and engineer, while Meilan is likely just repeating something she may have heard Master O or one of the other clan members say and you know how a story changes from person to person. Or do you think it's better to be uniform, that readers won't make that sort of intuitive leap?
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by tehprognoob » Mon Mar 07, 2011 9:34 pm

@Heretic, the Grandiose opening has, to me, a rather turn-off feel.
As for CG, I'll get the timeline back.
@Arbiter, keep it consistent for picky people like me ^^
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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Arbiter GUNDAM » Mon Mar 21, 2011 12:41 am

Here's my almost complete episode 2 for Alternate Mobile Report Gundam Wing.
Episode 2: Shooting Stars

The White Fang support fleet had slipped under the radars of the Alliance as they had entered the L3 colony cluster. They were here for a very specific mission, the objective of which was moving closer and closer to where they hovered in space. It was a large bell-shaped transport, specially configured for atmospheric re-entry.
On the bridge of one of the mobile suit transports, the White Fang commander observed the incoming transport.
“Open a channel. We shouldn’t keep Mister Barton waiting.”
The communications officer did just that and an image of a man in a normal suit with an opaque helmet visor appeared on the main screen of the bridge above its viewports.
“We are the White Fang support fleet that the Barton Foundation has dispatched to aid you. Operation: Meteor is already underway Mr. Barton, so we should proceed to the rendezvous…” the commander was cut off as the pilot of the transport said, “You’ve got the wrong guy.” Nothing further was said on either side as the transport fired a pair of beam guns mounted on its nose. Within moments, the support fleet had been destroyed and the transport sailed on.
Inside the transport, newly named Trowa Barton grimaced slightly.
Operation: Meteor has already begun has it? Then a colony is being dropped right now.
Trowa quickly checked the course that had been pre programmed into his computer.
So it’s from L5? That’s not good; by the time I get there it may be too late to stop it. He paused for a moment, considering his actions.
Freedom for the colonies cannot be purchased with the blood of two billion innocents. Even if I can’t stop it, I have to try.

Many thousands of miles away, a large group of MS carriers and support ships broke out of Earth orbit and began to head on a course for the falling colony. One of the carriers had a much sleeker design than the others. Colored in deep blue, this carrier more resembled a space shuttle than the blocky constructions that flew alongside it. Onboard the blue carrier, a man in an ornate red uniform and a very unusual white mask that covered the entire top half of his head, read data from a computer tablet he held in a gloved hand. This man’s name was Lieutenant Colonel Zechs Marquise.
“Hmmm, the satellite surveillance folks are practically blind. By the time they noticed that A0206 was falling we barely had time to scramble a response brigade.”
“The Alliance is scrambling as many MS units as they can from the other LaGrange points though,” pointed out one of the soldiers who were piloting the carrier. Zechs grinned, the only sign, because of his mask, that he was amused.
“You haven’t seen the latest intel reports, the ones that I’m reading. Seems that the White Fang rebels have launched simultaneous assaults in all Lagrange points and even on the moon. We’re obviously dealing with a well-coordinated attack that has been in planning for a very long time. The Alliance is going to look good after this.”
“Because of the propaganda that the White Fang are a bunch of uncoordinated terrorists?” responded Lieutenant Otto, the other pilot of the carrier-space plane.
“Exactly. It’s one of the reasons that no one on Earth ever takes what’s happening in space seriously. I’m sure that General Septum of the Alliance Space Forces is preparing his ‘I told you’ speech right now.”
“Won’t be of much use if everyone on Earth is dead,” said the other Lieutenant.
“A little dramatic Lieutenant. One colony won’t utterly destroy the planet but nevertheless we’ll have to fight harder than ever before to bring it down. Is my Leo ready for use?” Both Otto and his fellow Lieutenant looked at Zechs in shock.
“Colonel, you aren’t serious are you? You’re going to lead the expeditionary force from the frontlines?” asked Otto. Zechs merely grinned again.
“You guessed it.”
“If you’re set on doing that Colonel, then you should take one of our Aquarius space mobile suits,” said Otto. Zechs grimaced slightly at that.
“My Leo will be just fine Lieutenant Otto,” he said in a slightly clipped tone. Zechs didn’t particularly care for the OZ-10SMS Aquarius space mobile suit. As the first space MS design that the OZ organization had built for the Alliance, it was a case study in learning what did and didn’t work out in space. The suit was mostly based on the OZ-07AMS Aries Aerial MS, but it eliminated the legs, making it more of a fighter than a mobile suit. With large engines it was fast and highly maneuverable, more so than the OZ-06MS Leo suits that had to have adapter packs installed to function in space. The problem with the Aquarius was that it couldn’t carry much in the way of weaponry, small beam rifles and missile launchers mainly, making it useful only for interception, hit-and-fade and scouting. The White Fang rebels had stolen dozens of them and they, along with the Alliance Space Force took great delight in throwing the Aquarius’ at one another, earning the pilots a reputation as suicidal kamikazes. Zechs much preferred the more balanced aspects of the Leo.
“Sir, we’re receiving a transmission from the other ships on what our orders are,” said the Lieutenant. Zechs grimaced even more.
“Likely looking for an excuse to complain about the command style of an OZ officer. Tell them just to keep heading for the colony.” Zechs turned around and left the cockpit, heading into the inner recesses of the carrier, to the mobile suit hangar. The hangar contained only three MS on this command ship, one Leo and two Aquarius. Zechs gazed up at his personal Leo, colored in his colors of white with red stripes.
This will be the turning point of the Alliance. The people of Earth will unite together to stop the threat from outer space. Even if we manage to stop A0206, the outrage that the White Fang would resort to such measures will be like a forest fire. I wonder how the colonies who aren’t aligned with White Fang will react?

Thanks to the continuing of colony A0206’s rotation, artificial gravity was being maintained. For the majority of the colony’s populace, it was life as usual. Of course everyone knew that the colony was falling to Earth but it just didn’t feel like it, unless one looked out a viewport. Master Long was contemplating a display screen that showed the colony’s approach with detailed readouts of velocity, altitude, attitude, etc. One of the clansmen approached him, bowed and said, “Preparations are complete Master.”
“Do they suspect?” responded the old master.
“No sir.”
“Good. Good. We will live with pride right until the very end. And no one, not the Alliance nor OZ nor these Barton Foundation deceivers will take it from us.” Wufei, I hope that you and Meilan can understand the course of action that we are about to take.

On the colony surface, Wufei waited patiently in the cockpit of the Shenlong. It was highly unlikely that the Alliance space forces would let the colony proceed unopposed so he was on standby for when some of their force showed up. He started slightly when his sensor warning went off but it was juts on one of the clan’s ‘appropriated’ OZ-06MS Leo suits, painted green with gold stripes. He knew without being told who was piloting it.
“Meilan, what are you doing out here in that suit?”
“I came to keep you company. It’s awfully lonely out here surrounded by the vastness of space, isn’t it?”
“Hmph, and I suppose if a battle starts you’ll just go back inside?”
“No! I forbid it! Take that suit back inside right now.”
“Come on Wufei, it would be just like in the legends. The noble warrior and his lady fighting side-by-side…” Meilan was cut off as she suddenly found the activated end of the Shenlong’s beam trident in her monitor.
“Listen woman! I cannot fight a battle and have you out here in a Leo at the same time! Go back.”
For a moment, Meilan was going to fire back an angry, scathing retort, but stopped before she did. Although she and Wufei had been married slightly less than a year, she had learned to read his intentions, especially when he didn’t voice them out loud. She’d found she’d always had a talent for that no matter who it was. She knew what Wufei was really saying was I am in a Gundanium mobile suit and you are not. I cannot worry about your safety and fight at the same time.
“Okay husband, you win.” She turned the Leo around and pulsed her thrusters, soaring away towards the airlock.
“This time,” she added. Wufei couldn’t help but smirk at that.
“Just what I’d expect from the woman brash enough to name herself after Nataku.” His musing was interrupted by an alarm from his sensor board. A display window opened up on his main monitors, showing a cluster of red dots moving towards the colony.
“They’re here.”
Meilan, who was floating gently towards the colony, spared a final glance towards her husband’s mobile suit.
When the time comes I will fight beside you. I will do what I can to correct this. It’s bigger than clan and family honor Wufei, as much as I can’t believe I’m saying that.

The group of Alliance ships were almost to the point where they could launch their MS towards the colony. Onboard his carrier, Zechs was speaking to the captains and MS team leaders.
“So that is why our objective will be to destroy the colony’s fusion reactor. Hopefully the resulting explosion will cause the colony to break up and much of the damage that would have been done will be mitigated. Of course we will do our best to destroy any large remaining fragments. Prepare to sortie.” Zechs closed the connection and was preparing to leave when Otto called to him from the pilots’ seats at the front of the cockpit.
“Are you sure that you won’t wear a normal suit colonel?”
“Come now Otto. I have a reputation to uphold,” said Zechs with a slight smirk. Zechs Marquise was well known for conducting space ops without wearing a normal suit, what people called the pressurized space suits that all space travelers had worn since the dawn of manned space flight. It was generally considered suicide to fly in space, especially in combat, without one.
Zechs was about to leave for the hangar compartment when an alarm went off.
“What is it?” he asked
“We’re picking up multiple unfriendlies incoming. Looks like White Fang isn’t slow on the uptake. They really wan this operation to succeed,” replied the other Lieutenant as he studied the readouts.
“Can they intercept us before we get to the colony?” asked Zechs.
“Unfortunately, yes,” replied the Lieutenant. Zechs smirked again.
“Then we’ll just have to cut our way through. The lives of countless hundreds of millions are riding on this.” Zechs Marquise would not admit that one of those lives was almost more important to him than life itself… and maybe one other. He left the command deck of the carrier, half-walked, half-floated into the hangar and climbed into his custom Leo. Armed with a standard beam rifle and a 250mm cannon (this is what I’m renaming the dober guns as. Dober doesn’t mean anything and I don’t know why they use it.) it would be a lethal opponent with Zechs at the controls. The rear of the carrier’s hangar split open and the three MS slid out and into open space. Without wasting a beat, Zechs fired his thrusters and soared out towards the oncoming battle.

Far away from the colony, Duo Maxwell’s carrier capsule flew towards the falling colony. He couldn’t really help it as that was the course programmed into the guidance computer. He couldn’t deny though, that something seemed to be drawing him towards the colony.
“Ah, what am I thinking? How the heck am I supposed to stop a gigantic thing like that? Well, the God of Death has never backed down from a fight before, why start right now?”
In the distance, he could see streaks and flares of light near the earth-facing side of the colony.
“Well, guess there’s no helping it now. They’ll probably come after me if I try to go past ‘em. Better get Deathscythe warmed up.”
What Duo, Zechs and everyone else was not aware of was that three other capsules were also making their way towards the colony. Aboard his capsule, the newly-named Heero Yuy kept his ship on a straight, unwavering course to his mission objective. Trowa Barton stared at the falling construct with a look of sadness and disappointment on his face. Quatre Raberba Winner couldn’t keep the shock from thrumming through his system at the sight. How could people be so inhuman as to believe that this course of action would bring peace to the colonies? And so it was that one young man already standing sentinel on the precipice of fate and four others who flew towards him drew closer to destiny.

Zechs had just destroyed his fifth suit of the engagement, all the while appearing completely relaxed, when he received a transmission from one of the team leaders.
“Sir, we’ve spotted three reentry transports heading for the colony!”
“Hmmm, reinforcements perhaps?”
“Possibly sir but the transports only look large enough for one or two suits. One of them appears to be some kind of space plane. It’s coming our way!”
Zechs rotated his suit and caught sight of the object. It definitely was shaped like a graceful bird, a perfect shape for a reentry vehicle. Zechs wasn’t sure how this fit into the White Fang’s plans but at this point it everything that wasn’t on their side was an enemy.
“Shoot them down! Now!” he ordered. Suiting action to words he aimed his Leo’s beam rifle and fired off three shots. The other suits nearby fired their weapons as well but the plane kept taking the hits and kept coming.
“What the…” Zechs hissed as the plane zoomed past him, smoke trailing from the hits it had taken.
Aboard the transport, actually a shell for a very special mobile suit, pilot Heero Yuy calmly monitored the systems. He frowned as the computer informed him that the reentry shell was now pretty much useless, having been shot up by the enemy mobile suits. Only one option left now.
“Mission objective confirmed. Engaging the enemy to ensure operation success.”
Behind him, Zechs’ Leo took aim with the right arm-mounted 250mm cannon.
“This ought to wake you up a bit,” said Zechs as he pulled the trigger. The cannon belched forth two hypersonic rounds. They struck true, causing a large chunk of the plane to break off and sending it into a spin. Inside the cockpit, Heero grimaced and jabbed the button to eject the plane-shell. The remainder of his reentry shell glowed and then blew apart into a million fragments, revealing the full form of his machine’s flight form.
For his part, Zechs stared at the sight with equal parts fascination and trepidation. Just what was this new weapon that White Fang was fielding?
“All nearby units, be aware that the enemy has a new fighter-type weapon. Be careful.”
The fighter banked around (and don’t think it doesn’t take skill to bank in space!) and barreled straight towards the Leo and Aquarius suits which immediately opened fire on it. Heero tried to get a solid lock on the suits, but they were more maneuverable than him, one of the reasons why MS were so adept at space combat.
“Let’s see how they handle this,” he said grimly and pulled a control handle over his head. The nose of his fighter and the big gun that was attached to it broke off. The remaining body of the fighter broke off and unfolded itself. Arms reached out and grabbed the nose, which now served as a shield and the massive rifle. The plane now bore the form of a white, red, blue and gold mobile suit of familiar design. Zechs just stared at the newly transformed mobile suit, completely floored.
“It transformed into a mobile suit!” he gasped.
“Colonel Zechs, what kind of suit is that?” asked one of the other pilots.
“No idea,” he grunted back. I thought only the Alliance and OZ had the capability to build mobile suits? This is completely beyond anything I thought the White Fang capable of fielding.
“Colonel, it’s coming towards us!”
“Engage it but be careful!” Zechs replied. He would have joined his troops but a blast from an enemy Leo demanded his immediate attention. Turns out it was good that he didn’t try to attack the new suit. In his cockpit, Heero observed the incoming enemies… and smiled.
“Locked on target,” he said and pulled the trigger for his suit’s massive rifle. A gigantic burst of highly energized particles erupted from the gun’s barrel. The Alliance suits, unprepared for this massive assault were consumed. Zechs stared at the carnage in horror.
“He destroyed six suits in one shot? What is this monster?” He was about to engage it when another pilot called him.
“Sir, we’ve engaged an unidentified mobile suit above the colony!” Zechs spared a moment to look and was again shocked at what he saw. A white and blue mobile suit that looked an awful lot like the one now coming straight at him was engaging Alliance suits with some kind of beam saber-like weapon. Zechs didn’t have anymore time to worry about it as the first new suit fired its rifle at him.

A little ways away from the main engagement, Duo’s capsule coasted towards the colony. A group of Alliance MS soared towards it, guns blazing. The capsule took several hits and then exploded as the particle beams found vulnerable fuel tanks. The suits were about to turn about and head back to the main engagement when a dark form emerged from the smoke and vapor of the destroyed transport. A flash of green plasma arced over the suits and then the thing was in among them, slicing the hapless Alliance MS to ribbons. The resulting explosions revealed the form of Duo’s Deathscythe.
“You’ll all die. Anyone who sees me has got a date with his Maker,” said Duo with a grim smile as he took off towards the battling MS forces.
Nearby the same kind of event happened twice more. As alliance MS approached one of the other capsules, it exploded of its own accord. From within the debris emerged an orange and white mobile suit that bore a very strong resemblance to the other strange mobile suits that had appeared on the battlefield just now. This one raised a massive gattling cannon mounted on its left arm and twin panels on its chest opened up, revealing a quartet of gattling guns mounted in the chest. The new suit opened fire, shredding all nearby MS. Inside the cockpit, Trowa Barton frowned slightly and then thrusted his suit, the Heavyarms, towards the rest of the engagement.
At the same time, a pair of giant blades carved up the front of the last reentry transport and blue and white mobile suit burst out of the bow of the transport. It raised its curved blades, now glowing with intense heat and sliced through a pair of Leos as if they’d been made out of paper.
“I don’t want to fight you if I can help it! Please get out of my way!” said Quatre grimly as he blasted through the MS formations.

Zechs’ day was steadily getting worse. The strange winged mobile suit had fired another one its giant beam cannon again and had clipped his Leo, forcing him to retreat as several of his comrades moved in to distract the suit. He glanced at his monitors and saw that the colony was rapidly approaching the Point of No Return, the point on its descent where even if they caused its breakup, the pieces would still cause catastrophic damage to the earth.
“All nearby mobile suits, this is Lt. Col. Zechs. Anyone who is not currently engaged with the enemy, follow me into the colony, we are rapidly running out of time!” He suited words to action, forming up with two other Leos and rocketing towards the inner hub of the colony.
Meanwhile Heero Yuy continued to engage the enemy. He had just blasted a pair of Aquarius suits when his threat alert went off, indicating an enemy coming in from his left. He was just about to orient on the suit and open fire on it when a three-pronged beam weapon penetrated it from behind. The suit’s reactor overloaded and the Leo blew itself out of existence. As the explosion faded away, it revealed the form of the Shenlong, which sent a shock of déjà vu thrumming through Heero.
“Who are you?” he asked as the Shenlong hovered beside him. Inside its cockpit, Wufei was having the same reaction.

Above the colony’s main ring, a similar event was occurring with the other three Gundanium mobile suits. After shooting down several enemies, the Deathscythe, Heavyarms and Sandrock came face to face with each other and each of the pilots had the same reaction to seeing the others’ similarly styled suits.
“All right, what the heck is going on here?” said Duo over an open channel, “Who are you guys and why do your suits look like mine? Are you with the White Fang?”
“No I’m not,” responded Quatre, his helmeted face appearing on one of Duo’s monitors. “I was completely shocked when I got underway and found out what the details of Operation: Meteor were. I have no intention of helping to carry it out.”
“Neither do I,” replied Trowa somberly.
“Well then. It seems that the three of us are in a similar boat. And it looks like none of us were told some pretty important details about the operation. I thought my buddy Deathscythe was the only one of its kind.
“I thought the same with the Heavyarms,” said Trowa.
“So if none of us want to have anything to do with Operation: Meteor, then what are we doing here?” asked Quatre.
“Maybe you guys feel like trying to throw another monkey wrench into the White Fang’s plans?” said Duo with a grin.
In his cockpit, Quatre looked at the image of the Earth, now grown to gargantuan size as the colony fell ever closer to Earth.
“How can we stop this? The colony’s getting close to Earth,” said Quatre.
“The best course of action would be to find some way to destroy the colony’s fusion reactor,” replied Trowa
“Geez, this guy doesn’t do things halfway does he?” said Duo. Scratching the back of his helmet in confusion, “Exactly how do we keep ourselves from getting blown up in the process?”
“We’d better figure that out as we go,” said Trowa just as the three pilots’ threat alarms went off. A large group of MS was barreling down towards them, guns blazing.
“Lets break through to the nearest hatch!” cried Quatre as they engaged the enemy suits.

Heero was wondering if he should attack the mobile suit that looked so similar to his own when his comm screen activated, displaying the visage of Doctor J.
“Heero, we’ve received word that Alliance mobile suits have infiltrated the colony. You must stop them at all costs!”
“Roger that,” replied Heero as he turned his mobile suit away from the melee above the colony and rocketed towards one of the spokes that connected the colony’s ring to the central hub. It was a few moments before he saw that the doppelganger of his suit was headed in the same general direction as him. He decided that he would keep an eye on it and as soon as it made a hostile move, he would destroy it.

As Zechs had expected, the White Fang had stationed MS inside the colony as well. However, it seemed to the OZ ace as if these suits seem to be a little more well equipped than the other enemy suits outside.
“Keep pressing men! E must get to that reactor as soon as possible!” Zechs glanced at the stopwatch display in the corner of his right hand viewscreen. The precious time they had before breaking the colony up was rapidly diminishing. If things had been a little different in that time, Zechs might have paid for his arrogance with his life. His threat alarm shrieked and he looked up just in time to see a White Fang Leo rocketing towards him, beam rifle prepped to fire. There was a flash and for one horrible moment Zechs thought that his life was over but the rebel suit was the one that exploded.
“What in the…” he began but cut off as a familiar form soared over his suit and landed in front of him. He thought it was the bird-like mobile suit from before but this one was orange and white and had a HUGE gatling cannon on its left arm. It opened up with the cannon, sowing a line of devastation across the ranks of the White Fang suits.
“Colonel Zechs! It’s more of those strange suits!”
Zechs brought up displays on his monitors that showed the Deathscythe and the Sandrock joining in the fight.
“What do we do sir?”
“Look like some of the rebels’ pilots aren’t in favor of Operation: Meteor. Pay them no mind unless they fire on you! Keep pushing to the reactor!”

Wufei was still a little perplexed by the appearance of a mobile suit that looked so much like his own and seemed to be receiving the same orders as he was. His confusion deepened when he arrived at the battle ground inside the colony’s main ring and saw the Deathscythe, Sandrock and Heavyarms seemingly fighting alongside the Alliance forces.
“Master O are you receiving this? There are more mobiles suits like mine here! And they’re fighting against the White Fang forces!” Master O, the man that built Wufei’s Shenlong didn’t respond. Wufei hesitated and then a mobile suit fired on him. Out of reflex he swooped down and slashed the offender with the Shenlong’s beam trident. It was only after the suit exploded that he realized that the suit was a White Fang suit. He had just killed an ally.
Meanwhile Heero had opened fire on several Alliance suits when he caught sight of the other suits that were like his. He too was momentarily confused that they were firing on White Fang. Where they allies and had received orders that Heero had not? Suddenly his radio crackled to life and the voice of Doctor J said, “Heero it seems that there are other Gundanium mobile suits participating in this mission. Our superiors have determined that they have gone rogue. You have new orders to stop these rogue suits at once but try to recover them intact if possible.”
“Roger that mission. Engaging.” Heero raised his rifle and fired a monstrous beam of energy right into the middle of the engagement. When the smoke cleared the other three Gundanium suits had turned to face him. Off to the side where Zechs and his Alliance special forces, creating something of a Mexican standoff.
“Sir, what do we do?” asked one of the Alliance pilots.
“These new models are extremely powerful. Make no sudden moves, we’re only going to have on shot at this,” replied Zechs.
Yes, they are incredibly powerful. That cannon the red, white and blue one has probably has a greater output than anything that even OZ has theorized about. There’s only one materiel in the Earthsphere that could allow for such a weapon…
In his cockpit, Wufei was jus beginning to wonder why everyone had stopped shooting when a comm window opened up on his monitor, displaying the helmeted visage of Quatre.
“The two of you seem to possess mobile suits that are much like ours, I have to wonder then, why are you helping the White Fang drop this colony? Don’t you realize what this will do to the Earth? Peace for the colonies cannot be attained through mass murder.”
“That doesn’t matter to me,” replied a cold voice and Wufei guessed it was coming from the suit with the large rifle that he had been following.
“So just don’t care? Look pal, I may not be the greatest guy around but there’s no way I can take this. It’s gonna cause more problems for the colonies than it will solve!” said Duo.
“You are to surrender and hand over your suits,” stated the cold-voiced pilot.
From his cockpit, Zechs gripped the throttles of his Leo, ready to make a break for the spoke tunnel that led to the colony’s central hub.
“Wait for our chance men.”

In the Hall of Elders, Master Long was observing the battle on a series of monitors with the other Elders of the clan, their retainers and the strange men in suits.
“What the hell is going on here?” asked one of the suits angrily, “Why are the Deathscythe, Heayarms and Sandrock fighting against us?”
For Master Long’s part, he didn’t much care why these other suits were rebelling against the White Fang. It was time for the Long Clan to do a little rebelling of their own. Catching the eye of one of the Elders he then pressed a button on the console in front of him. A panel slid open, revealing a large red button. With a whispered prayer, the venerable Master reached forward and pressed the button.
“Hey! What are you doing?” said one of the suits as he reached into his jacket and pulled out a gun.
“Master, look out!” cried one of the retainers, jumping forward to wrench the gun out of the man’s hand. With a resounding blast, the gun went off.

Heero was getting ready to fire another blast from his buster rifle as it looked like the rogue pilots weren’t going to comply when an alarm began blaring throughout the colony. In pause created by this new development, a mobile suit suddenly roared over the battlefield, armed with a 250mm cannon and headed straight for the spoke tunnel. Wufei gasped in shock, he’d know that green and gold color scheme anywhere!
“Meilan! What are you doing?!” he yelled.
“I’m sorry Wufei but this is bigger than clan and honor,” she replied. Heero had also noticed the rogue Leo and instantly swung his rifle around to fire on it.
“NO!” roared Wufei as he charged forward. Heero couldn’t bring any weapons to bear in time and was jerked violently in the cockpit as the Shenlong slammed into his Wing.
“Now’s our chance men! Go!” yelled Zechs and shoved his throttles to their stops, launching his Leo into action.
“It’s our chance as well!” said Trowa, “Let’s move.” The Heavyarms, Deathscythe and Sandrock took off in the wake of the Alliance MS, Heavyarms unleashing a hellish barrage of missiles at the remaining White Fang suits. Only a coupe of the missiles impacted near Heero and Wufei but their superior MS shrugged off the effects as they continued to grapple. Wufei wrenched the buster rifle out of the Wing’s hands but this left him open to the Wing’s machine cannons. This kind of weapon wouldn’t harm a Gundanium mobile suit but it did cause Wufei to reflexively back off, dropping the rifle to the ground. Heero lunged forward, picked the rifle up and aimed low along the ground at the Shenlong. He fired, tearing an artificial canyon in the colony surface, detonating when it hit a building. This blew Wufei into the side of another building which crumbled around him. Wasting no more time, Heero and the Wing took off after the others.
Wufei was just crawling out of the wreckage when a comm window opened up and the face of Master Long filled it. But something was wrong, there was blood dribbling from the side of the old Master’s mouth and he looked deathly pale.
“Wufei…” he gasped.
“Master? What has happened? What is this alarm I’m hearing?”
“Wufei… remember to live with pride… and integrity… and remember that we too never abandoned our pride… we lived with pride right to the very end.”
“Master Long! What are you saying?”
“Wufei… beware of the White Fang, the Barton Foundation and OZ… and take care of Meilan…” With a groan, the old Master slumped against the console and stirred no more. Wufei was transfixed for a moment and then he remembered Master Long’s last words.
“Meilan!” With that cry he powered up Shenlong’s thrusters and took off after the other mobile suits. As he cleared the buildings, he saw an explosion inside the spoke tunnel.

Inside the tunnel, Duo was very bemused to find himself flying alongside the Alliance.
“This has been one strange day, I’ll tell ya that much,” he said. Suddenly a threat alarm rang out.
“Uh oh, looks like the guy with the big gun is back. Hey, other big gun guy! Blast him would ya?”
Trowa smiled, flipped around and opened up with every single gun that the Heavyarms had. The barrage of bullets slammed into the Wing but Heero wouldn’t be deterred so easily. He pulled the trigger and sent a wave of charged particle energy streaming out of the buster rifle. The bullet barrage had knocked his aim off though and the blast struck the tunnel, blowing a huge chunk of it out into space. With the interior now exposed to the vacuum, all pressure began fleeing outside causing an instant gale inside the tunnel.
Wufei, who was soaring up the tunnel behind Heero found the sudden acceleration from the winds a big help as he rocketed past Heero.
“Meilan!” he cried as he saw her suit bounce of two Alliance Leos and head straight for the hole.
Inside his Leo, Zechs was struggling to avoid the same fate.
“This is almost getting ridiculous,” he grumbled. Suddenly an alarm rang out in his cockpit, an alarm that MS pilots very, VERY rarely heard. Zechs could only gaze in wide-eyed astonishment at the words now glowing on his left-hand monitor: RADIOLOGICAL ALERT.
“Forget trying to stay in the tunnel!” he bellowed.
Rob DS Zeta wrote:Well, in my extremely limited military experience, they usually don't group screw-ups together. It's just bad for all parties.
It's really neither here nor there if it's for the sake of the story. Look up the 181st Imperial TIE Interceptor Group sometime.
I can fly if I ride the wind! Gori gori!

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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by Arbiter GUNDAM » Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:00 am

I figured this belonged in its own post. Part of the first chapter to my Macross fic.


In the year 1999, an alien spaceship crash-landed on South Ataria Island in the Pacific ocean. The discovery electrified the human race, especially due to the fact that, after careful examination, it was discovered that whatever race had built the mysterious ship had built it as a warship. The discovery initiated a series of events that led to the new united earth government and a technological boom the likes of which hadn’t been seen since the Industrial Revolution. These discoveries didn’t come without a price. Many nations didn’t wish to give up their autonomy and this led to the Unification Wars.
Ten years passed and the repaired alien ship, rechristened the SDF-1 Macross, was ready for launch. Unfortunately an ancient program hidden in the still-misunderstood systems of the ship opened fire when ships from the alien Zentradi began to approach the Earth searching for the crashed Macross. This incident ignited what would become known as Space War I, a war that would become the worst conflict in the history of humanity. The Macross leapt to humanity’s defense, doing all they could to keep the Zentradi away from earth. Along the way, they learned that the Zentradi were actually semi-human and had been specifically bred for war by the ancient Protoculture. The Zentradi warriors began to be affected by the humans’ own culture to the point where some actually defected. Unfortunately this was not enough and the Zentradi Main Fleet laid siege to Earth, wiping out most of the surface and population before the Macross and Zentradi defectors could stop them. That was in December 2009.
Three years later, humanity is slowly rebuilding. The leaders of the new Earth government have also determined that the only way to make sure that humanity never faces extinction again is to launch colony ships out into space to spread humanity among the stars. The first of these ships is the SDF-2 Megaroad-01. Captained by war veteran Misa Hayase Ichijyo, the ship is nearing completion at the dry-dock in Macross City…

Chapter 1
New Frontier

September 2, 2012
Macross City, Alaska

The VF-4 Lightning III variable fighter burst through the low, heavy clouds, rolling out into a level flight path. Inside the cockpit, pilot Hikaru Ichijyo glanced at his tactical screen, trying to discern at what angle his opponent would attack him. At the last second, his radar picked up his opponent and he rolled right as a VF-1J Valkyrie came screaming out from the low cloud cover as well, laser guns blazing. Hikaru pulled back on the stick and threw a lever marked with a large letter G. His plane shifted into the hybrid mode known as GERWALK Mode, allowing the thrust of his engines to be directed in a path that took him out of the line of fire. He brought up the Gatling gun pod and fired a line of 55mm slugs back at the Valkyrie. The Valkyrie pilot, no slouch either, also transformed into gerwalk mode and ducked under the line of fire and fired a pair of missiles.
If Hikaru knew his opponent, which he did, he figured that the missiles were really to distract him so that the Valkyrie pilot could line up the kill shot. He would have to deny him that possibility. He yanked a lever marked F and the Lightning III transformed back into fighter mode and shot forward with a burst of speed. He fired the Gatling pod at the missiles but in reality he was lining up a shot on the Valkyrie with his beam cannons. The Valkyrie, also transforming back into Fighter mode was a half second too late and Hikaru managed to nail it with a pair of beam blasts to the right engine.
“Dammit, I could have sworn I had you boss,” called the pilot of the Valkyrie, one Maximillian Jenius whose Valkyrie showed absolutely no sign of damage except some scorched paint from Hikaru’s direct hit.
“Lightning 3, we show a confirmed hit on Valkyrie 1. He’s going down, over,” crackled a high-pitched female voice over the two pilots’ radios.
“Roger that Control. We’re coming back in over,” replied Hikaru, casting a bemused glance at Max’s Valkyrie which was most certainly not going down. “Let’s close it up for today Max.”
“Damn and I almost had you too. They just had to give you the new model didn’t they?” It may have sounded like complaining but Hikaru knew that Max was likely grinning in his cockpit.
“Well don’t sound too disappointed Max,” said Hikaru, chuckling a bit, “If I got paid for every time that you’ve shot me down in sim, I could retire with Misa as a rich man.”
Max was about to reply when the female Control officer called again.
“Heads up Valkyrie 1, Lightning 3, we’ve got a group of rookies and their escorts coming in on your vector. Betcha they’d like it if some of the famous aces of Skull Squadron escorted them in.”
“Roger that. Max let’s go say hi.”
Hikaru and Max banked their planes onto a new course and soon saw the new group of planes coming towards them. The two veteran pilots performed an Immelman and then settled into formation with the two large transport planes and their quartet of Valkyries. It was a testament to how the UN Spacy was still a little stretched that these new pilots didn’t come in flying their own planes. Then again, if what Hikaru had heard was right, those new planes were already waiting for them.

After landing at the airstrip just outside of New Macross City, Hikaru and Max climbed out of their respective fighters and were greeted by a double line of some three-dozen new pilot recruits. An older man standing in front of the newbies stepped forward and by the stripes on his flight suit Hikaru and Max could tell he was a Colonel and saluted him. He returned the salute and smiled grimly.
“I hate to just dump a bunch the greenest, rawest, sorriest excuses for pilots I have ever seen on you Major, but orders are orders.”
“Of course Colonel. So do we get introduced?” asked Hikaru. The Colonel continued grinning, did an about face and let rip with a bellow that probably could have been heard in the deepest bowels of the Macross.
“Listen up grunts! This is Major Hikaru Ichijyo and Major Max Jenius and unlike all you ingrates, they’ve actually seen real combat! Life and death and the mean kind of Zentradi, you hear? Now, most of you will be transferring onto the SDF-2 Megaroad-01, so listen to what the Major has to say because I will not be held responsible in front of your mommies and daddies for you dumb maggots getting vaped out in deep space! Clear?!”
“SIR, YES SIR!” came the return bellow. The Colonel turned to Hikaru and Max with a much more rueful look on his face.
“They’re all yours. Treat ‘em good and think you just may have one hell of a fighting force on your hands,” he said, ending with a salute. Max and Hikaru returned the salute and then stepped past the Colonel to greet the new pilots. Max started at one rear end and Hikaru started at the opposite front end. The first pilot Hikaru came to was fairly tall, tall enough that might be bumping his head on his fighter’s canopy. Said head was covered in a dark-blond flattop. Beneath that, the young man’s brown eyes were crinkled slightly as if in a smile but the rest of his square-jawed face was locked in at attention stoicism. All in all, he could have looked very mean if he’d wanted to but slight lines at the edges of his mouth indicated someone who smiled often and easily.
“Major Hikaru Ichijyo,” said Hikaru, stepping forward and shaking the new pilot’s hand, “And you are 2nd Lieutenant…?”
“2nd Lieutenant Jason Antilles sir. Pleased to meet you.”

Later, after the rounds of introductions had been made, Max and Hikaru had sent the rookies off to get billeted and walked out to the base parking lot. Hikaru waved at Max as the blue-haired man jogged off to his car and was just about to start walking in the direction of where he parked, when his car came around the corner and pulled up next to him. A beautiful brown-haired woman leaned out the window and pulled the sunglasses she was wearing down enough to reveal her vivid green eyes and said, with a smirk, “Hey there fly-boy. Need a lift?”
Hikaru grinned himself and replied, “Gunsight One, I think you have things a little mixed up. I’m supposed to do the driving.”
I can fly if I ride the wind! Gori gori!

--Freyja Wion

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Re: Fanfic Preview/Critique Request Thread

Post by tehprognoob » Mon Apr 04, 2011 4:21 pm

wouldn't hurt to brush up on the writing style. some parts of the story sounded awkward and overly detailed with each movement or event described. strip that off and ornament the rest with more flowery language. certainly too short to be judged for now, of course.
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