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 Post Posted: Sun Jan 16, 2011 12:24 pm 
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Elitist Earth Politician
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Post here to be previewed, limited to one request per week per user.

Spoiler tag your requests unless it's in a link, and please be polite to the people who care enough to beta read. They probably won't be too nice, since this is the CRITIQUES section.

Please format your writing. If you use Word 2007, 2003 or 2000, visit this thread and scroll down to find my guide on PHP BB Formatting Macros.

And please post reasonably good stories...bad grammar and formatting are a pain in the ZOINKS

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Last edited by tehprognoob on Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 6:04 am 
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Question: Do I have to post the Fragment into a post here, or can I just post it as a link?

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 Post Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 11:59 am 
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post, preferably. After all, a frag on another website is a hassle to that website.

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 Post Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 5:26 pm 
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I mean that putting it up on GoogleDocs or something.

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 Post Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 5:32 pm 
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that should be okay, if anybody reads it ^^

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 Post Posted: Mon Jan 17, 2011 5:42 pm 
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/Snort/ Thanks.

EDIT: Didn't want to Double Post so I am adding my Fic Preview with this one. Thanks in advance and enjoy!

Tales of the Gryps War - Tale One (Scrap)

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 Post Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2011 11:01 pm 
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While I'm reading that...I'll come with an edit and a review once I finish reading

EDIT: Dude, GRAMMAR. Your punctuation sucks. No offense.
Besides that, it's all right.

My request:
Almost 3,000 words...
Someone care look my new chapter over?

Spoiler: show
NEON GNESIS EVANGELION: REDEMPTION
Stage XXV: Salvation I
XXV-A: Et tu, Bruté?
Miyoko coughed weakly. The shot in her back had been meant to reach as high as low Earth orbit. Even her Evangelion’s A.T. Field couldn’t handle it; not with two Evas pressing down on her from both sides.
At least the red one was out of the picture. Unit 14 struggled to her feet and the silver Unit 01F tore through the ground, coming right at her.
The remnants of the city shook with the force of the colliding A.T. Fields of the two Evas. A gash was slashed through the ground as Unit 14’s A.T. Field imploded, its center caving into a hole. Each pane of the octagonal energy barrier fell back and shattered one by one as Unit 01F broke them.
She cried out again. The overwhelming strength of the enemy was too much to bear. From the onset, that Eva had seemed too powerful to be real. She couldn’t take it…
She couldn’t take it years ago. Like then, she was powerless to do something about it.
Like then, she would be destroyed, and her body left to rot.
‘No!’
If she died, the plan would fail. The world would never be soft or gentle, as she wanted it. Lloyd’s dreams…would evaporate.
The latter fate was the worst. She couldn’t let him down, not after all these years.
“No…no…no…”
The last barrier was groaning. She could feel her Eva screaming in pain.
‘Sorry… I’m sorry that you have to keep up with my selfish demands.’
“One last battle, okay?” she whispered.
Miyoko slammed on the controls. A halo formed over her Eva’s head, and its legs barely cleared the stream of energy brought by Unit 01’s passage.
The wake of Unit 01 was soft, and her Eva sank into the torn earth. She turned, and ripped free the last of the shattered backpack. The snarling monster turned back. It was hideous, with a grin belonging to death itself, and fearsome eyes.
It was a monster that looked like her nightmare.
“I’m not afraid. Come, if you dare,” she snarled.
“It is time.” Lloyd’s message was a relief. It was time for the world to end.
“Evangelion, Unit 14, all system restraints deactivate.”
A billow of warmth as her seat slid down past the contamination zone.
A rush of energy, and an inexorable relief…from the Eva
Memories began surging in her mind. They were memories of her, as a child, but…they were from the perspective of someone else, someone else who watched her grow, and felt pride and joy as she matured.
“Mommy!”
*****
In Unit 02’s cockpit, Asuka shivered in pain even as she released morphine into her blood from a pod on her Plug Suit’s leg.
In the distance, Unit 01 was dancing in and out of a hailstorm of strange looking, glowing tentacles that have spouted out of Unit 14’s wings. The Evangelion was glowing bright white, with a ball of energy roiling at the center of its chest.
“Shinji, you idiot…”
She checked her Eva’s monitors. It was still fully functional.
“Asuka, can you hear me?” Misato was yelling frantically. With the two miniature Lances still buried in her Eva, it was awkward to move. As the drugs surged through her bloodstream, the red haze in front of her eyes began to fade.
“Yea; how’s Shinji?”
“We don’t know; that Eva’s energy output suddenly went up by over 400%. It’s so powerful that its A.T. Field is obstructing Unit 01’s monitors.”
Asuka cursed in annoyance.
“And my Eva; can I still fight with this damage?”
“Asuka, don’t! Your Eva is severely weakened! Take up a support role!”
In the far distance, Unit 14 cracked its helmet open and roared. From the pits of her memory, Asuka could remember the terrifying sound that Unit 01 had made as it tore the Twelfth Angel apart from the inside.
“Send up the C-Type equipment we got from Germany!” she ordered.
“Wait-”
The city jumped as a ball of energy consumed a good third of its remains. Asuka screamed in pain as she was thrown against her wounds by the force of the blast. The world flashed a bright, brilliant nothingness and faded into utter darkness.
*****
It was dark in Unit 01’s Entry Plug. Moments before, Shinji had been dodging in and out of the strange new attack. A dart of light had struck his Eva before he could move, and then the enemy…the enemy had looked into his Soul, it seemed.
“What…just happened?”
“Mommy! Mommy, what are you doing here?!”
A girl’s voice…no…Shinji didn’t know her. Who is this person screaming out for her mother?
Was it the pilot of the Eva they’d been fighting?
Shinji walked ahead tentatively. The world was blank, and his body was composed of rough pencil sketches. All around, strange, grotesque humanity milled about mindlessly, lost eternally in its quest for understanding.
“Mommy…no! He couldn’t have—he wouldn’t do that to my mother! He wouldn’t betray me!”
Who was this “he?”
Shinji felt anger replacing confusion. This world, he thought, was ZOINKS up beyond imagination. Some little girl yelling for her mother was…was the person that destroyed his new life? The person who turned his world back upside down?
ZOINKS.
The voice was getting louder, clearer. She was fighting reality, it seems. Fighting against a reality where this “he” had hurt her mother.
Doesn’t she know that, in this world, people always hurt each other? That nobody could feel another person’s pain?
Shinji could not understand why she was so surprised.
After all, people hurt each other all the time.
XXV-B: For Yourself
“C-Type Equipment fully docked.”
Asuka released a second dose of morphine and checked on the temporary repair strips tied around her Eva’s damaged points.
“All systems are green and ready to go; Evangelion, Unit 02F C-Type, moving out!”
“Good luck,” Misato said gravely. “For God’s sake, come back alive.”
The young woman smiled at her commander.
“Roger; will do”
Unit 02 slipped out from behind the armaments building and took cover behind a structure close to the open patch of scorched earth, where the combined A.T. Fields of Units 01 and 14 roiled.
“Weapons status,” she commanded.
“Main Assault Blade check, Secondary swords check, support swords check, combat knives check, throwing knives check”
Asuka crouched down. The C-Type was not the most logical of choices in this situation, but it was more her style. Besides, it was the only full set of equipment that Unit 02 has received.
The tendrils of Unit 14 have dug deeper, and the very earth was shaking with the pent-up energy swilling around in the ruined city.
“Is there any response from Unit 01 yet?” she asked.
“None…all contact lost…”
“That idiot…!”
Unit 02 shimmered in the energy wave of her A.T. Field. The world spun through Asuka’s eyes as she tumbled into the clearing. Boosters all around her Eva fired rapidly, adjusting for a smooth descent. A small pair of gliding wings hissed quietly into place and caught the air. Propelled by the initial blast, Unit 02 accelerated as she ripped through the sky and hurtled down. It was not exactly subtle, and tentacles whizzed past in a frenzied attack.
"GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!”
With helpful nudges from her Field, Unit 02 skimmed past the darting tentacles with ease. They were not aiming very well, sign of a pilot who was very distracted.
“TAKE THIS!” she screamed. It felt good to be fighting her way again. The Secondary swords plopped out of the C-Type Pylons and fell smack into her palms. In a wide scything motion, Asuka sliced away at the tendrils one by one. A stray came close to impaling her shoulder, but only hit the sturdy metal plate that was attached to the front of the C-Type Shoulder Pylon. The metal emitted a screech of protest as the tendril, obviously aided by an A.T. Field, sliced a corner off of it.
“Scheiße!”
With a precise slash, Asuka pared a tendril down into two wriggling halves. The remaining tendrils rolled themselves back with a thump, and gathered into two rolls.
The Fourteenth Angel’s arm blades chopped off the arms of Unit 02 with ease, setting Asuka’s nerves on fire with a blinding pain.
“In die Hölle kommen!”
The swords spun in uniform motion and chopped down, right at the center of the two oversized tentacles that shot out of the row. The air was filled with a high-pitched whine as Unit 02 came down at a speed close to the speed of sound and cut the two strands of glowing flesh into four. Crimson blood coated the Eva and formed a geyser of red from the luminescent tentacles.
“Just die!” Asuka roared in triumph.
The blades struck a crystalline note upon contact with Unit 14’s A.T. Field. The octagons fractured, broke and shattered layer by layer.
“Don’t make me do this for nothing, Shinji! I won’t accept a corpse in return for saving you!” she called, not expecting him or anyone else to hear it.
“Because I love you, you dummy!”
Misato started in surprise. The entire bridge ooh’d and ahh’d in unison. Asuka forgot to turn off the universal channel.
“So you admit it, eh?” she teased despite herself.
“What-You heard?” Asuka screeched. “Damn it! It’s so embarrassing!”
“No!” Misato yelled. “It’s the least embarrassing thing in the world! There’s nothing less embarrassing than falling in love with somebody, Asuka. Just do what makes you happy, not what feeds your pride!”
“It makes me happy to feed my pride!”
“No, it doesn’t; how many times have you hurt yourself with that pride? How many times have you shied away from happiness because of that pride? Grow up, damn it! Do it for yourself, not for someone else’s praise!”
Misato was frustrated. As a commander, she shouldn’t be saying such distracting things in mortal combat, but as a…friend to Asuka, she had to. It was no longer possible for Asuka to act so rashly, driven by her vast ego.
A whine of energy filled her ears, and Asuka barely avoided the positron beam that shot out of Unit 14’s S2 Engine. It was a spectacular sight; the bluish-white beam pierced the heavens with a mighty roar, tearing aside cloud and air, and the resulting stream of sonic booms threw Unit 02 clean off of Unit 14’s A.T. Field. The morphine in her blood could not mask the agony of tearing through the rubble and remains of foundations with her battered body. A flash of light blinded Asuka, and left her alone, in the dark, spiraling away…away…and away.
Misato’s voice remained as her last memory of reality
‘Do it…for myself’
‘For myself’
‘Myself’
‘I’
‘I am…’
What?
All these years, all this fighting to regain her position as an Eva pilot…
Chasing after a possible future that was way gone
Chasing after her old dreams…and nightmares
Who had it been for? Certainly, not herself; she was terrified of Eva’s power. Yet, it is this power that inexorably drew her, like a moth to a flame, towards what her life is now.
“I am…”
What am I?
Asuka Langley Soryu, pilot of Evangelion Unit 02-F, ace of the Luftwaffe and the best fighter in the world.
I am the best; there for I am.
Who cares?
I do! Other people do!
Do they? Do they really?
YES! YES! YES!

Images spun in wild circles through the universe. Images of crying little girls, torn stuffed monkeys and impatient women with children thrust upon them.
I can’t forgive them; I can’t forgive any of them; that’s why I left and lived on my own. Eva and Shinji are enough for me.
“I am Asuka; nothing more, because there is nothing more. I’m the best.”
Then…why do you lose so often?
It wasn’t a fair fight! The Mass Produced Evas were so much more powerful than Unit 02!
That particular fight wasn’t mentioned; is it weighing on your mind?
NO! It’s long past! I don’t care anymore.
Liar
*****
Nerv-Japan Command Center
“Unit 02’s central nervous system has been compromised!” Maya shrieked. “That thing’s hacking into the mainframe and forcing synchronization!”
“Shut off any open data ports; close down the Eva for pilot control only!” Misato yelled.
“The pilot is unconscious! All controls have gone dark—the signal’s attacking the Entry Plug!
“Manually end synchronization! Preserve the pilot at all costs!” Misato yelled.
“No use! It’s not responding to our controls—we don’t have the master password from Germany!”
The master password…in the Berlin Magi…
That’s it…
That must be what the attacker was using. A master password…with complete access right into Unit 02’s mainframe computer…
“Oh, ZOINKS…”
The bridge technicians sat back with slumped shoulders.
“We just got kicked out; all access passwords on every level have been reset. They’ve taken Unit 02.”
Unit 02F, the very cutting-edge of German weapons technology, was now in the hands of their enemies…
An Eva hijacked…
“The Dummy System onboard! That was our installation! It was only accessible from Magi-Casper!”
Aoba, Hyuga and Maya all turned around in shock.
“Colonel Katsuragi-” they began.
“That’s an order! Activate the Dummy Plug; it’s designed to override the mainframe. While it’s running, use it as a beachhead to get the Eva back!”
“Understood…” the techies were apprehensive. “Activating Dummy Plug”
A flow of data wrote over the wall screen. The new, revised Dummy System booted and used its preset administrator privilege to boot the Eva under its own control, reconfiguring the mainframe controls into slave drives that operated under the Dummy System.
“Now! Begin attacking the mainframe!” Misato ordered.
“The Dummy is a combat system; it’s not designed to be an access point. We’ll have to encode new software that requires rebooting the entire Eva. That process could take up to 180 seconds on the newest system.”
“Write the codes; we’ll take care of the diversion you need,” a deep voice declared from behind them.
The Supreme Commander of the JSSDF strode in, accompanied by a squad of Spec-Ops commandos. The old man lifted his hand.
“I understand that there has been considerable strife between our respective services in the past. However, it is time that we put those differences aside. The SSDF will hold off the attacker and give you the time you need to recapture your Eva.”
Misato stared intently into the man’s eyes. He met it unblinkingly.
“Your Section 2 Chief was my good friend,” he said. “I must see these people…these monsters-”
He swept his hand over the destruction on the screen.
“-are utterly destroyed.”
Misato nodded.
“Thank you, sir.”
The man nodded.
“From one warrior to another, Colonel…good hunting”
*****
Miyoko drifted in the blankness of the world, bombarded by waves of memories.
Her life
Her death
Her resurrection
Her betrayal
Lloyd had used her; used her mother, and used her as a tool.
She thought…she’d meant more to him
Elsewhere, someone else was suffering, too. This person’s mind was in turmoil, raging in fear and confusion.
“NO! GOD DAMN…I…I…”
“I just don’t want to be ignored…I just want to be special, to be…someone’s treasure.”
Miyoko couldn’t understand
In this world, people don’t treasure you; her last hope of clinging to her old belief was gone; gone so freshly that she could almost feel the jagged tear in her heart.
“What do I do…?” she wondered.
There were more people coming; strange, isolated dots of energy that blossomed in her mind. Many of them came, with hostile intents, inside cases of metal that dulled Miyoko’s sense of their Souls.
*****
“Alpha squad, fall back. Beta squad, take the center. Delta and Gamma form the wings. Create an envelope formation.”
The Heavy Fighter Jet-VTOL II, the newest in the Heavy Fighter series, was a fresh acquisition of the JSSDF. More maneuverable and better armed, some with positron weapons, these were quickly replacing the old Jet-VTOLs, whose ranks have been decimated by Angels anyway.
“Delta, Gamma, open fire with all weapons. Alpha and Beta fall back. All squads, widen the gap in your formation.”
The wings of the formation opened fire with a deafening barrage of rockets and Vulcan guns. The two VTOLs on the far side also began strafing runs with their small positron cannons. The Eva paid no heed and continued to stand still. Unit 01 was almost completely wrapped in tentacles and being absorbed into Unit 14.
Perhaps it was already too late.
*****
A world without pain
Is that what this person wants?
A world of nothingness, where one cannot be one’s self
A great commune*of minds and Souls
But in this world, there is no “I,” only “we.”
“We” cannot love anyone the way that people want to be loved, by individuals whose feelings transcend the barriers of the Soul. No conversation of the mind can substitute the soft touch of Asuka’s hands, the warmth of her lips, the brush of the silky strands of her hair and the murmur of her heart against his. No metaphysical universe such as this can contain human passion like interaction in reality. Individuality is vital to the formation of emotion, because only an individual can say, “I love you.”
End Stage XXV
Footnotes:
* “Commune” stands for an intimate conversation of great passion, not an organization of Communists.

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 Post Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:22 am 
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Thanks noob. But can you be a bit more specific with that. I know my Grammer Sucks, and some of my Punctuation Sucks but can you be a bit more specific. Besides that what did you generally think of it. Did you enjoy it? Do you like seeing some old characters being brought in? Do you like the idea behind it? Anything else like that. I need know more then that.

Other then that thanks for reading it. It means a lot that some people are at least reading it. Moving on.

As for your own story I am not that big of an EVA Fan anymore therefore I am not all that interested in reading. BUT, from I did read it looks to be interesting. Further then that I am not the best person to look over other people's work. /shrug/ Sorry.

OH! Almost forgot redid my Scrap page since I plan on adding more scraps. Here is the new link to my Scrapbook. I shall post when I get my next scrap done. I am just about there. Sometimes I really love Google. /laughs/

Also noob love your new Avatar! SIEG SORYU! /laughs/;

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 Post Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2011 11:01 am 
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if I followed yor neew link right...
besides the nitty-gritty grammar, I personally am not qualified to make much of a judgement, since I have not seen Zeta. I do, however, know enough about the plotline to follow your story. Try to skip that burdensome introduction; sifting through it dampens one's enjoyment of the actual story. If it is fan fiction, then the reader should be adeqatly versed in the original plotline already. There is no need to hold the reader's hand the whole way.

You may be micromanaging; you are focusing lot of time on pouring information into paragraphs between actual storytelling. I really don't need to know so much in description; make my brain work; force me to infer from dialogue. If your reader needs to think more then he/she will spend more time and attention on your fic.

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 Post Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 2:44 pm 
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Thanks again noob.

To start off what do you mean about the "burdensome" introduction? My Foreword? Well I always add a foreword in my writing to explain what I am going to do with the story, for I like to many AUs and I like to mention what I am going to do with the story. Not to mention if anyone starts getting angry at me for not warning them about something in particular, I can simply point to my Foreword and mention "That yes I did, and you should have read it instead of bypassing it". This makes things a lot simpler and easy to inform people what I am planning.

Next up, my "pouring information" into the story. Well simply I am follower of the David Weber School of Writing therefore I like to put a lot of information into my stories. Granted I don't put as much as Mister Weber does in his stories. :roll: I still pour information into my stories because that is how I grew up seeing in stories I read.

Anyways thanks for the look over noob. Moving on, do you happen to like Code Geass for I have a few scenes laying around I could post.

Also hopefully we can get more writers posting their work here in the future. /cross fingers/

Till next time Ciao.

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 Post Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 3:14 pm 
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well, i prefer having to use inference more.
and in a quick bit imma put my code geass eva xover.

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 Post Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2011 3:37 pm 
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Okay Sweet. Then I shall put some my Code Geass stuff up on my Scrap Book.

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 Post Posted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 10:56 pm 
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This is the first half of the first chapter of a fic I wrote last year. I never continued it, but I'm considering taking it back up.

xxx

Spoiler: show
Disclaimer: I do not own Code Geass: Lelouch of the Rebellion or any other licensed material. I do own any original characters.

High Colors

Chapter One – The Day Reality Died

xxx

"Ahhh… What to do~? What to do~?"

Here is me. Who am I? That's not important. What am I doing? Whatever the heck I want! At the moment, to be particular, I am trying to decide if I want to watch anime, play video games, or write fanfiction.

What's my work ethic at the moment? …Zero. There goes fanfiction.

What about video games? …Didn't I do that all day? Oh yeah, I did!

Alright then! Let's watch anime! To the internet!

Having already conveniently placed myself in front of the hate-generating machine I call my computer, I bring up my precious internet and click the bookmark that accesses my favorite anime website's 'randomize' link. I give the page a minute to load while I take a few wild guesses what might pop up. Will it be a popular school-life that will interest me for all of half an episode? Perhaps it will be a dramatic tale of love and vengeance? If I'm lucky, it might even be a war story full of action, explosions, and giant fighting robots!

Ooooh! Now I've gone and made myself excited! Hurry up and load you stupid webpage!

"Woot!" I cheer when the large poster of Lelouch, CC, Suzaku, and the other mains of Code Geass appear on my monitor. Looks like I'm in for a good helping of all three. I haven't watched season one of this show in… almost a year I think. I finally finished watching R2, that being the second season, a while back, before I moved on to watching Gundam 00 and playing Halo 3: ODST.

Pleased with the expectation of a night of throwbacks, I scroll down and click the link to season one's first episode.

"'The Day a New Demon was Born…'" I recite the episode's title as a cheeky smile works my mouth. I've always loved that name. While you'd never have thought about it at first, you would easily call Lelouch a demon by the end of the series. Still, he was quite the effective character. I bet it would be cool to know him.

"Tch… Quit that, boy. Your loose grip on reality is showing." I note, talking to myself as if doing so was no big deal.

Once the episode viewer loads, my reverie is cut short by an unexpected message that comes up in the viewer window.

"Would I like to try the new, enhanced viewer?" I ask the message's question to myself. I haven't heard anything about a new viewer. Is the site running a random beta? Heh, with my luck, it's just a glitchy alpha. Oh well, nothing this site can do will hurt this dinosaur of a computer. Let's do this!

I click the 'yes' response, which leads to my entire screen going blank.

"Oh… Great." I mutter at the turn of events, starting to slouch pathetically in my chair. "There goes the data I haven't backed up."

Not a second after my despair-filled statement about my allegedly lost data, the screen lights up again. My eyes are stunned by a high-definition blue and black background that features a gooey pattern that moves around the screen. After a few short moments, the website's logo pops up on screen. A bright sparkle streaks across the top of the insignia and lets off at the end with a shine and a cliché sound effect.

"Welcome to our new viewer." a digitized voice emanates from my speakers, surprising me. It reminds me of the Superintendent's voice from ODST. "You have been randomly selected to be one of the first beta-testers for this cutting-edge system. Please relax and take a moment to gather any nearby valuables that you feel you might need in the near future." the voice advises, inciting a confused look from me.

What does it mean by that? I'm not going anywhere. Do these guys thing I'm gonna forget about everything around me just because they think this new viewer is gonna enthrall me or something? What an ego…

Deciding to humor the voice, despite knowing very well that it likely cannot care, I pick my MP3, earphones, and mobile phone off the computer table and slip them into my pockets.

"All done? Good." the voice chatters, not even giving me a chance to reply in any way. "Warning: The new viewer is not for the faint of heart or clinically ill! Advisory: Those with life threatening illness or injuries should back out now using the Esc key. Advisory: If you are pregnant or nursing, then please reconsider your course of action using the Esc key. Warning: The new viewer may cause anomalous side-effects! Advisory: If you fear nausea, starvation, war, destruction, genocide, insanity, abnormal physical traits, the second dimension, pain, death, or unexpected romance, then it is recommended that you back out using the Esc key. You have thirty seconds to make a decision."

I can feel my eye twitching ever so slightly at the long announcement that leaves my mouth gaping open. What is this? Are the site's mods getting all crazy on me? Nonetheless, I look down at the Esc key on my black keyboard, a little worried about what might happen if I don't back out.

...

Hold up! This is stupid! There's no way I'm gonna let something a silly as this keep me from my anime throwback!

"Bring it on, ya crazy machine!" I sneer at the voice, not caring if it can actually hear me or not. Again, I have a really loose grip on what's really real or not. "I ain't scared of nothin'!"

"Very well then." the voice replies instantly after my mocking. "Notice: Testing of the upcoming program reveals that it can at times cause an overload in the circuits of certain computer monitors. Advisory: Shield eyes in case of projectile glass."

"What the hell?" I half-shout to the voice as I instinctively throw my arms up to shield my eyes, not even thinking to roll down my sleeves for added protection.

"Enjoy the show, and thank you for using-" the voice is cut off when the insides of my monitor overload at lightspeed and burst through the screen with a smoky blast of sparks and glass.

My eyes intuitively clench shut as I prepare for glass and sparks to attack my arms. Milliseconds turn to seconds, which turn to ten individual seconds. My arms don't hurt yet… Hell, I don't even smell smoke.

Actually… Is that sound of people talking I hear?

I lower my arms and open my eyes. I'm outside, in an alley that is just barely getting light from a source outside of my stunned line of vision. It's night time, if the stars are any indication, and the air has a cold stillness to it. Everything looks a bit… weird, though. I can't put my finger on it, but there's just something unnatural about this place.

Driven by what is either my undying curiosity or my sudden urge to get out of this alley, I push my butt from the chair. The instant my hands leave the arms, an unintelligible noise comes to me from behind. I turn with a gasp, the jumpiness really coming more from my being in a dark alley rather than not being in the place I was only a minute ago. Still, the alley is completely empty. This includes my chair, which I swear I was just sitting in.

"What on Earth…?" I whisper into the darkness. I get no reply, of course. Not that I had been expecting one, y'know, it just would have been nice.

Well, I guess this leaves me one option. I turn to the alley's exit, where the only light and voices are coming from. My steps are a bit haphazard at the moment, but I manage to make it over and poke my head out into the city… or, at least, what used to be a city.

My mouth falls open and my right eyebrow cocks to make my personal 'oh my god!' face. This isn't a city, it's a ruin! There are large parts of buildings missing, windows busted out and boarded up, and barrels of fire with people huddled around them every fifteen to twenty meters around. I can also make out some shanties tossed up around the place.

"Did you hear about those bombings in Osaka? They're saying fifty-nine people died."

I turn my head to face the voice speaking of bombs and death. There is a barrel's huddle of five older guys not fifteen feet away, no doubt the source of light for this tiny piece of the alley.

"That's old news, Shinichi. The important part is that they're saying it was caused by radical Elevens." one of the men says, a tone of disgust in his words.

"Stupid radicals. It's idiots like them that give us real Japanese a bad name!" another man growls.

'Elevens?' 'Real Japanese?' This is starting to sound awfully like...

"Damn Britannians… I bet they're gonna use this as an excuse to wipe us all out for good." the fourth man claims grimly.

"Don't talk like that. Prince Clovis is a fool, but he's not genocidal." the last one advises.

I pull my head back into the alley just in time for my legs to turn into jelly and send me butt-first to the cold, hard ground. Elevens, Britannians, Clovis? If those guys are serious, then this place isn't just a ruin…

…It's Shinjuku Ghetto, circa 2017 a.t.b.

"Boy…" I address myself quietly. "What have you gotten yourself into now?"

I take a few deeps breaths, trying to keep from hyperventilating. Come on now, boy, this isn't the time to be going crazy. You've only landed in one of the most civilian-killing animes of the last five years. Try to remain calm…

"Hooooooly ZOINKS..." The phrase takes longer than it should have to trail from my mouth.

What am I gonna do? I remember those bombings those guys were talking about. They happened the day before the first episode, right? If those guys are still alive, then I'd bet money that tonight is the night before then. That means that tomorrow is when…

Oh crap! That means that tomorrow is when Clovis marches half of the occupation force in here and exterminates every last person! If I'm here, then I get included in that amount! Holy crap, I gotta get outta here!

Just before I can stand up, I remember a very crucial detail, causing me to slump back down. I'm not Japanese! If I go out there, they'll think I'm a Britannian! I'll get the crap kicked out of me, and then they'll do something rash. What if I get strung up on a flagpole with the words 'Screw Britannia' written on me? I don't think I'll be able to survive that!

Well… Think of something, boy!

Errrr… Okay, I need a disguise. Not like a 'Zero' disguise, but something that covers my face. I look around the alley, which is easier to do now than earlier, as my eyes have adjusted to the lack of light. I spy the silhouette of what can only be a dumpster. It should be a dumpster, since I doubt that they've done away with them completely in 2017. I lift myself up fully for the first time since figuring where I am and hobble over to the thing. Quietly as I can, I go to lift the lid, only to find that there is no lid. To add to my trial, there is also nowhere near enough light to let me see what's inside.

Well, I don't really have a choice, so I clench my eyes in fearful anticipation for the second time in the last ten minutes before plunging my hand into the darkness. It doesn't go down far before I am met with… well… a mound of garbage. It doesn't really smell bad, so I can assume that it's likely not food. I rummage around, feeling mostly junk and rubble. My hand tenses suddenly, registering the touch of fabric. I grasp what's there and haul it up, retrieving a large coat. From what I can see, it's a drab beige color, made of a material I can only make up a name for. Still, it isn't anything you wouldn't find a discount store back home.

After I check the thing, making sure it doesn't have anything I don't want on my person in or attached to it, I pull down my overshirt's sleeves and slip the coat on. Okay, now I look like a less than well-off Eleven from the neck down, minus my hands. Now I need something to cover my face. I rummage through the dumpster some more, finding some pants, socks, and even some shirts inside it. This must be someone's clothes cache. Oh well, I'm not taking anything important, so they hopefully won't go on a warpath to get this stuff back.

Once I manage to fish out what I'm actually looking for, a scarf and a hat, I back away from the metal box while trying not to cough from inhaling dust. I thought something had to be inside for dust to gather. After choking the spasms back down, I give the scarf a good, silent whip, getting any excess dust off of it. Wrapping it around the lower part of my face, I take a few slow breaths, making sure that I won't choke to death breathing through this thing. It's a little musty, but I'll live. Next is the hat, which is a dark colored beanie-type. No doubt, a homeless person classic. I contemplate looking for something akin to sunglasses, but it occurs to me that they would make me look like I'm actually trying to disguise myself, so I decide against it.

Okay… I have my disguise. Now what? I probably shouldn't go out by those talking guys, since these clothes might belong to one of them. That just leaves the dark alley... which seems to get darker and bleaker every time I look at it.

Well… Time's a-wastin'. One semi-steady foot after the other, I enter the shadows of Shinjuku Ghetto. The almost total darkness of the passage is very disorienting, but I press on anyway. I told that stupid computer voice that I wasn't afraid and I plan to back that statement up… for the moment, at least. I can't say much for later, when there will be knightmares rolling down the street, tearing up everything that breathes.

...

Oh, dread…

Okay, that isn't what I need to think about right now. Right now, I need to find somewhere to sleep. I need to get my head rested after all this stupid crap. After a few moments of just walking straight through the darkness, I find a spot that has a lead out on either side on it. One direction has a light at the end, much like where I just was, and there's a half-visible dumpster nearby. The other side only seems to lead into the street. The way in front of me is pure black, so I assume there's an unlit wall there.

I'll take the light, thanks.

I use the walk over to think about just what I should do tomorrow. There's no way I'm gonna just sit here and let Britannia turn me into peppered steak, so I had better get to cover. Easier said than done, of course. How did Lelouch do it?

Let's think. He caught a ride on the truck that had CC and then… the subway tunnels… Suzaku… CC… that bomb goes off… CC dies… Geass… death… Villetta… Kallen… knightmare battle… Where can I fit into everything? I'm not very, in the kindest of terms, able. I mean, I'm sort of athletic. I can bike a couple of miles and not be absolutely destroyed afterward, but I can't run through a war zone and expect to survive.

Neither could, or rather, can, Lelouch. He has Geass, though, so there's an unfair advantage… Maybe I can hook up with Ohgi and his crew? Nah. That would take too much luck. Actually, it would take a lot of luck for me to hook up with any of the major characters tomorrow. My best bet would probably be to take cover inside the subway tunnel. If I'm lucky, I'll be able to find some sort of link to the plot down there.

Well, here's the dumpster… It has no lid, but it looks empty. I guess I can make do with this for a sleeping place. It'll be better than the ground…

Ugh… I wish I had my chair. I could sleep in that thing all day and night.


xxx

Okay, that’s the preview. I've got the rest of this chapter written, as well as most of the 2nd chapter. If I do go on with this, then it might not be for a while.

I know this idea is likely done to hell, but I'm doing this mostly as a vent for my sanity and political beliefs. Trust me on that one.

So, how was it? Good? Bad? Ugly? I'm sure there are some continuity errors, but I can't feel the need to fix them right now.

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Last edited by Rob DS Zeta on Thu Jan 27, 2011 3:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 3:31 am 
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Interesting.... A Self-Insertion Fic. Normally these are a very big no-no, but even then this happens to be a great story. It takes some getting use to the First-Person POV, but it make sense. Other then that I can't really say, for I am pants at critiquing someone else work. So you shall have to wait till someone comes and gives a better look at it then I can right now.

Even then this is a story I could really get into and I love the "New Viewer" announcements it made the first scene seem humorous. What I am wondering is what is going to happen to the world of Code Geass with this new character introduced, one who has knowledge on what is going to happen in the near future.

Great story keep it up.

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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 11:12 am 
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Thanks.

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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 11:17 am 
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once again, guys, spoiler tag please.

@ "I've just landed in the most civilian-killing anime..."
LOL
god help you if you land in victory, afro samurai, or Evangelion.

this isn't meant to be a very serious fic, i hope, because it's great as a fun joke but not as good for another setting. i can see a lot of plot armor and foreknowledge on your side so I hope that you don't put yourself as a super-jesus yamato because that would ruin the spirit of the fic. it's a good start, but self insertion is always risky

again, SPOILER TAGS AND FORMAT IF YOU WANT TO POST STORIES IN BBCODE! please!

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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 3:34 pm 
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Sorry. Didn't even think about the spoiler thing. :?

tehprognoob wrote:
this isn't meant to be a very serious fic, i hope, because it's great as a fun joke but not as good for another setting. i can see a lot of plot armor and foreknowledge on your side so I hope that you don't put yourself as a super-jesus yamato because that would ruin the spirit of the fic. it's a good start, but self insertion is always risky


I'm not sure what you're saying here. I take everything I write seriously, even if I don't always continue what I start. Sure, if anything, it'll just be a retelling of the plot from the character's eyes, but still... No need to go around assuming things.

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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 3:51 pm 
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what I'm saying is not that you take your writing unseriously, but that the fic is better meant for a very lighthearted storyline. Perhaps you should make this a sideline commentary for the show from your PoV?

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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 4:03 pm 
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What? :| Where's the point in that? If someone wants to know what happens in CG, then they'll just watch it. There's no point in writing a fic if it's just retelling the story.

That's why I always add an original character. It's a new character, and the fic is their story. It's something new that separates the fic from the actual show/game.

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 Post Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2011 4:20 pm 
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Rob DS Zeta wrote:
What? :| Where's the point in that? If someone wants to know what happens in CG, then they'll just watch it. There's no point in writing a fic if it's just retelling the story.

That's why I always add an original character. It's a new character, and the fic is their story. It's something new that separates the fic from the actual show/game.


So you're going to participate actively in the storyline?
Then watch yourself VERY closely, because self-insertion has a strong tendency to produce Mary Sues. I hope your fic goes well.

In the mean time, Crossover with Code Geass and Neon Genesis Evangelion
Spoiler: show
Code Evangelion
Imperial Calendar, year 2010; a mere decade after Second Impact, the Holy Britannian Empire had risen out of its ashes and had once again embarked upon its mission of Pax Britannia. Its first victim was the tiny island nation of Japan, devastated by the Impact but climbing furiously in power through its vast sakuradite trade. It, however, was no match for the titanic Empire. The Japanese military was devastated by the introduction of the first Humanoid Autonomous Armored Knight, the Knightmare frame. Light, fast and deadly, the Knightmare frames devastated the Japanese line of defense for the mainland, and Japan fell to its knees. Prime Minister Kururugi committed suicide and the once-proud nation became known simply as “Area 11.”
Stage I: Shinji Ikari
Shinjuku Ghetto
The dark-haired boy stooped into the dirty tent.
“Aunty, here,” he said softly.
“Thank you, Shinji,” the tired old woman answered. She received the bowl of food and sat down tiredly.
“Aunty, are you feeling okay?” the boy asked. The woman chuckled.
“Shinji…you really are nothing like your father; you’re such a considerate boy…”
She sighed.
“If only I was born a Britannian,” the boy sighed. “Things would be so much-”
“NO!” his aunt snapped. “NEVER be ashamed to be Japanese! We of Japan are much better than the damned Brits! They invaded our nation, took away our freedom, but we still live, and so our pride lives on with us!”
“Sorry, Aunty…”
The woman sighed again.
“You’re right; you’re always so sensible and grown-up. True; it would be easier on your uncle and me if we were Britannians, but from a Japanese womb you were born, and to a Japanese grave you shall go.”
Shinji sat down and bowed his head.
XXXXXXXXXX
“THAT JERK HUNG UP ON ME!” the redheaded girl squealed. “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!”
XXXXXXXXXX
Shinji stared forlornly at the gleaming Ashford Academy.
“Stop dreaming, Ikari,” he told himself. “You’re an Eleven, for God’s sake!”
“And WHAT is wrong with that?” a sharp female voice demanded.
Shinji snapped up. A short-haired Britannian student stood angrily before him. Ever the attentive worker, Shinji slipped into autopilot.
“Oh! Good afternoon, miss. What would like? We have a wide selection of-”
“I’d like for you to have some pride in your race!” she snapped. “There’s nothing wrong with being Japanese!”
Before he could offer an apology, she had marched off.
‘Good God…her uniform is the Ashford standard, so…’
He broke out in a cold sweat.
‘ZOINKS…I think I just insulted a daughter of some aristocrat…but why would the daughter of a Britannian noble …’
“Um…Mr. Ice cream man?” a timid, soft voice asked. It was another Ashford girl, this time with long, brown tresses, sitting in a wheelchair.
“Uh, yes, miss?” he stammered. This one was gentle-looking and somewhat nervous, but still…losing another customer is bad.
The girl coughed embarrassedly.
“Could you push me back to school, please? I came out and got lost…”
‘What?’
She tilted her face. The large eyes were shut. She was blind. Startled, Shinji moved quickly out from behind his cart.
“Mr. Ice cream man, wait,” the girl said. “Can you just tell me your name?”
“It’s not important, miss,” he said.
“I think that it is. Tell me, please. I’d like to know; I’m sure we could be friends.”
“It’s Shinji, miss. Shinji Ikari.”
“Well, I’m Nunnally. Nunnally Lamprouge; nice to meet you, Shinji.”
XXXXXXXXXX
“I, Lelouch Li Britannia, order you, all of you, die!”
The soldier jerked back and began to shake and laugh as the boy’s left eye began to glow a sinister violet.
“Happily, your highness!” he cried. He and his men pulled their pistols and held them to their jaws.
“Fire!”
XXXXXXXXXX
“Tell me, why do you have to sell ice cream instead of going to school?” Nunnally asked gently.
Shinji smiled wearily as he pushed Nunnally down the bustling street.
“I’m an Eleven, Miss Lamprouge; my family lives in the Shinjuku Ghetto. If I don’t work, then we’ll starve.”
Nunnally looked startled.
“But doesn’t the government help at all?” she asked worriedly. “Doesn’t father…”
Shinji actually laughed aloud.
“Help Elevens? Britannians, maybe, but not Elevens…”
Nunnally was quiet for a while. Shinji turned a corner, and they came onto the grand boulevard that led to Ashford Academy.
“Shinji, where do you live?” she asked.
“Shinjuku Ghetto; I told you, right?”
“No, I mean, where? What’s your address? I’d like to talk to you some more.”
Shinji laughed again, and Nunnally looked puzzled.
“What’s so funny?”
“You asked for my address?”
“Yes, I did.”
The wheelchair slid silently along the boulevard.
“My address…? I live in an oil-paper tent on top of a pile of rubble. It’s a nice place; you should visit.”
XXXXXXXXXX
The Sutherland was harder to handle than the Ashford Academy’s Ganymede. Lelouch gritted his teeth as the machine slid behind a shattered building. His cell phone beeped.
“Uh, Lulu? What in the world have you been doing? Where are you now? If you keep cutting class, you’ll get left back,” a girl’s voice drifted over the line.
“Are you near a TV?” Lelouch asked.
“A TV?” she asked, confused.
“Sorry, but this is important,” Lelouch apologized.
The girl over the line snorted, and Lelouch listened to her talking to her friends as she changed the channel to the News.
“Is there anything about Shinjuku?” Lelouch demanded.
“Um…traffic restrictions-”
“Why is it restricted?” he demanded as Britannian tanks rolled by noisily. If he stayed, then he’ll almost certainly get caught, inside a Sutherland Knightmare frame belonging to a knight of the Purist Faction.
“I don’t know; they’re not saying,” the girl said uncertainly. “Oh, you’re gambling again, aren’t you? I’ve warned you before more than enough about how dangerous it is!”
Lelouch smiled as he spotted a broken chess set on the ground. The King lay in the center of the board, the other pieces scattered about him, all alone, like he was right now, a commander without his troops.
Lelouch liked that.
“Yep, you got me,” he said. “And by the way, tell my little sister that I’m going to be home late tonight, would you? Thanks; bye.”
He hung up.
‘They need to keep a lid on this information, so it’ll be hard to call for reinforcements like this; they’ll have to make do with the pieces on the board,’ he thought to himself. ‘I’m hemmed in here; it’ll be hard to break through by myself.’
The Sutherland’s hatch hissed open, extending the pilot seat. Lelouch stood up and stared as a Britannian assault VTOL burst into flames, struck by a Slash Harken.
‘I want payback for having been dragged into your fight.’
XXXXXXXXXX
Area 18
A bright red Knightmare raced over the desert of Area 18, ignoring the fire pouring out of the gigantic Knightmare frames lined up ahead.
“Lady Langley, try to stay in formation,” a voice admonished over the comm.
Girlish laughter drifted over the line.
“Your highness, you said I could have free rein, right? Anyway, what could any of these crusty, overweight shells do to me, the Knight of Two?”
A cannon shell exploded at the knightmare’s feet, doing no damage to the machine, which had already soared far ahead. It dug its feet in and fired a Harken that slammed through the armor of the heavy knightmare, twisting the red frame around like a slingshot. Landing on top of the lumbering Bamides frame, the Knight of Two, Asuka Langley, slammed her lance right into the control room. She casually pulled it out and fit a bazooka into the hole. Three blasts emanated from the weapon, and the custom Gloucester slipped off of the dying Bamides, nonchalantly driving away on its landspinners as the lifeless machine exploded, showering sparks and debris over the impassive desert.
“And again, you charge in like a mindlessly mad barbarian.” The voice admonished. “Well, that about does it for Area 18. I believe that Area 11 is up next.”
Asuka tied back her long hair and leaned back in her seat.
“Of course, Princess Cornelia; it’ll be the same treatment for the Elevens, right?”
XXXXXXXXXX
“Aunty…”
The old woman coughed weakly.
“I was lucky, unlike the others…” she mumbled. “Your uncle is still out working. He should be alright.”
She burst into tears.
“Britannians!” she screamed. “It’s always Britannians!”
She rocked with dry heaves as Shinji held her, silent tears rolling down his cheek.
‘But not all Britannians are like that…’
Nunnally, the girl he’d met outside Ashford Academy. She’d offered to let him in, hadn’t she?
No; that was impossible; no Britannian parent would ever allow it, no matter how sweet their daughter is.
“C’mon; I’m sure the Black Knights or something can help us.”
He helped his aunt up. The Black Knights were a new resistance that had sprung up in the wake of the most recent Shinjuku massacre. This one, however, was a great deal more successful, particularly that man, Zero.
Whoever this character is, he obviously gave a damn about the Japanese. His people should be able to help them.
XXXXXXXXXX
“It isn’t every day that I go to a meeting with Numbers,” Charles zi Britannia, 98th Emperor of the Holy Britannian Empire, boomed. “Lorenz, your organization has caught my eye.”
“Yes, Majesty; however, it is Ikari who manages the mundane, day-to-day affairs.”
Light lit up on the seat of a dark, heavy-set Japanese man wearing amber glasses.
The Emperor laughed.
“An Eleven, are you? From what Schnizel’s reports I deem interesting enough to read, you Elevens have given my people the worst resistance. One of you…that Zero character, even killed Clovis…not much of a loss, to be sure, but annoying nonetheless.”
“Of course, Sire.” The man said evenly, resting his face on his white-gloved hands.
The Emperor sipped a drink, enjoying himself.
“I find that your…projects suit my purpose. Therefore, I have decided that Britannia shall back Nerv’s ventures. Turn in your requests for funding to my personal aides later.”
He paused for a second.
“And you said that the most likely candidate for the pilot of…Evangelion Unit 02 would be Asuka Langley. She also happens to be the Knight of Two.”
“She has been prepared, subtly, since a young age. The Evangelion has also been made to be similar to a Knightmare. Her combat training under your service will be training enough. The rest is simple enough for a lady of her intellect.”
“Then move Unit 02 to Pendragon.”
“Understood; however…”
“I am aware that Area 11 is the chosen battlefield against these Angels. However, I’d like to observe the Eva for myself. I believe that enough have been said; you are dismissed.”
Charles’s seat went dark.
In the darkness of the room, only Gendo Ikari and Keel Lorenz were visible.
“Ikari…this is a gamble-”
“That is absolutely necessary; the Empire’s support gains us all that we need. Money is irrelevant to the Committee, but influence is crucial.”
“Then…we shall take your gamble.”
Keel’s light went out. Gendo smiled ever so slightly under his gloved hands.
“Of course…”
He pressed a button.
“Captain Katsuragi”
“Sir”
“Go.”
End Stage I


BTW: Your stories will have "ZOINKS" dotted over it by the filter if you curse/use rough words.
The reason why I still don't publish on BB Code, despite the realitive ease that the macro method offers.

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