Register    Login    Forum    Search    FAQ

Board index » Fanworks » Fanfiction




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 
Author Message
 Post Posted: Tue Dec 28, 2010 12:25 pm 
Offline
Mecha Flunky

Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 11:50 am
Posts: 2
Wow, it would be my first post after lurking at this forum for a while. This is my first fiction, and I hope some mistakes could be pointed, as English is not my first language.

I claim no ownership from any series that I use in this fiction.

***
Prologue
***

“F*** this, I'm not good enough for this.”

I cursed my luck, f*** the intel for not telling us pilot that our enemy is the f***ing Newtype pilot! Whoever inside that damned stolen mobile suit, he or she clearly a Newtype, didn't mistake on that. The f***king evidence is the number of funnel bit released by that green mobile suit, just appeared on my screens.

Oh, s***. That green mobile suit easily kill the other two pilot on the Jegans, damn. I would mourn both of you soon after I finish off the bastard. And now, I'm the only left to fight the bastard, unfortunately. I f***ing hate Newtype, especially the terrorist one. Lucky for me, this Stark Jegan my baby, is specially built for mid range.

Tap, tap, tap. Click.

“Eat this!” I fired the bazooka, hopefully it will hit the intended target. Watching the projectile moving in high speed toward the green quadrapled mobile suit, it didnt surprise me when mobile suit immediately braked in midway and reversed, avoiding the scattered particle that I fired. I quickly readied another rocket arsenal mounted in the shoulder of my Stark Jegan.

Safety released, target marked, and missiles away.

Six medium ranged missile, specially armed with scattering particles warhead for hitting fast target was released simultaneously and fired upon the green mobile suit. It might be overkill, but it was necessary. That green mobile suit proved to be dangerous as it kill two Jegans in a matter of second, and it belong to the Sleeve nonetheless. Damn terrorist!

Damn it, it evades all the missiles! And more bad news; it started to release more Funnels!

F*** this, I quickly remove the other Funnel bits from the targeting system and I'll focus solely to the mobile suit. It will be the close quarter combat from now on.

Tapping several buttons on my left control stick, I push the stick forward as my Stark Jegan followed my order and quickly removed its unnecessary equipments to gain reduced weight, and push forward at my command.

I pushed forward against the firing funnel bits, quickly avoiding them as I went forward to the mobile suit. Some of the bits managed to hit me, luckily at the place where it will not harm the Jegan, yet. In this moment, I questioned myself. Where is the f***ing reinforcements?

That mobile suit clearly saw my intention, it bring out the beam saber and charged to me. I clicked on the melee weapon on the right control stick, and actived it immediately. This action bring out the saber from its arm holder and triggered. I'm not going to die yet, Zeon scum! Not today!

With high speed, both of our mobile suit's saber crossed for the first time, and passed away from each other. We both went unharmed, but I'm not going to give up yet. I pressed more on the thruster and went to charge at the green mobile suit again.

This time, the green mobile suit parried my saber's swing. Our sabers' locked ferociously. From the cockpit, there was such an immense pressure! The pilot is not new in battle, I can feel it. I tried to push more, but the enemy is using my momentum to swirl us around. I break up from the lock and point my saber forward. I immediately use a book's technique and thrust forward to the mobile suit's torso, which might be the place of the cockpit. This battle will end if I kill the pilot, naturally.

As I went forward, I was shocked to see the green mobile suit positioned its four binders' thruster to me and push me away to stop the thrust. In my confusion, the enemy swing its saber and targeted my cockpit. As I feel the heat from the inside as the hot plasma contained in I-field melts away the body frame, I cursed the Sleeve pilot in my heart so much. Damn you f***ing Sleeve terrorist! Hopefully you die in agony death! In a milisecond, which I feel like an eternity, frame by frame i could see the hot plasma touch a bit of my body, and ironically I could tell that the enemy pilot is merciful enough to spare me from agony death, in just a second my consciousness quickly faded away.

OoOoO

All I see is black. Naturally. Strange, is it death? Are all human went through the same process after they died? Curse the Newtype pilot, hopefully he or she died the same way I did. Hah!

Ironically, I was there when the famous Amuro Ray fights with us Federation pilot against Neo Zeon. With his brave and heroic action, he saved Earth with his Gundam. Mysteriously, he disappeared inside his mobile suit. Some said that he overused his Newtype abilities, that he fried his brain inside out. Sure, that was a helluva way to die.

Is being a Newtype tough? Heightened mental awareness, be acknowledged as ace pilot. Who wouldn't want that? I would happily serve the Federation, for the future of mankind. I don't believe the Zeon's dictatorship at all, they merely use the name of freedom to gas Earth colony and drop it to Earth. Zeek scum!

Eh.. Why the f*** am I thinking? Wasn't I supposed to be dead?

Suddenly, I could feel a jolt. And I could actually feel that I'm regaining consciousness...

OoOoO

I could feel the weight of my eyelids, and I realized that my body is totally numb. Am I paralyzed? Am I saved? But, how?

As I confused, I could heard someone's talking around me. The hint of panic in that voice tells me, this is not a good time to wake up.

“Doctor! The patient's brain pattern suggest that he is waking up!”
“impossible!”
“It's a miracle!”

For the 'f*** the zeon' sake, I am tired with dark room here! That's it, I am opening my eyes now! One ,two, three...

As I opened my eyes, I could barely see a figur-, makes it two figures. I could tell that a figure with white coat is the doctor, and another one would be a nurse. I tried to speak, but somehow, my voice stuck at my throat.

“Please, my lord. Don't try to speak yet, your body is too weak right now.”

Lord? I was called 'Feddie scum', 'arrogant stupid pilot', 'newbie jegan' and many insulting nicknames before, but a lord never cross anyone's thought, as far that I remember...

“Praise to the blue world, Lord Djibril is waking up! Tell the others, this is good news.” my musing was interrupted by that statement, which makes me wondered...

...who the f*** is Djibril?

OoOoO

There, I couldn't point the mistakes though, my teachers always say, ' if it sounds good, it is good'. I didn't have ideas to make the battle dramatic, I could need some pointers. And I just found out about the swearing, I'll try to tone it down. So... care to give some comments and critics?


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 4:57 am 
Offline
Retconned MSV Ace

Joined: Tue Oct 03, 2006 3:44 am
Posts: 1681
Location: Finland
Hum, writing out Unicorn? :)

I know you want to create the military feel where harsh language is used, but maybe don't use words that trigger the censor that much in that short of a period of time? ;) The problem maybe is that you aim to describe the battle in detail while the first person POW in a massively chaotic, even desperate fight, would call for much less description. The inner dialog gets a little bogged down; the protagonist wouldn't have that much to reflect upon, except in the end. You can try separating a narrator from the first person, if that helps.

didn't mistake on that --> no mistake about that

The f***king evidence is the number of funnel bit released by that green mobile suit, just appeared on my screens.
--> rephrase; The sheer number of funnel bits released by the green mobile suits, appearing all over my screens, was evidence enough of that.
similar grammar mistakes or phrasing is quite common, unfortunately. :(

And the ending, he lived? The plasma of the saber would boil the pilot alive in an instant. If you want the protagonist to live, you need to make the Khastriya miss a bit.
I think you're aiming for a mixed-universe story here, given that you're putting out Djibril too? I hope you know what you're doing, those stories don't tend to work out all too well. ;)

_________________
-We will not be caught by surprise!
*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
-Then I am glad once again that you are on my side.
*They've often said that too.


Top 
 Profile  
 
 Post Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 9:42 am 
Offline
Mecha Flunky

Joined: Tue Dec 28, 2010 11:50 am
Posts: 2
I didn't know much about military actually, hence I am influenced by most of the movie that I watch. Phrasing a sentence is always a major fault that I have, plus I didn't use English much in my daily life. It is hard to think in another languages and have to write my thought in English.

Well, the story is about a character from UC 'jumped' into CE timeline, and he replaced our beloved incompetent antagonist in GSD, and like any normal character, he tried to make change. Minovsky particle works in a strange way... :wink:

I am aware that no character is allowed to surpass the badass Mu, hence I am trying to make the character as normal as I could, meaning no Gary Stu.

Thanks for the telling me about the mistakes, I try to avoid them in the next chapter, I think. :D


Top 
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
 
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3 posts ] 

Board index » Fanworks » Fanfiction


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

 
 

 
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Search for:
Jump to: