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 Post Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 12:39 pm 
Mecha Flunky

Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 11:24 am
Posts: 5
Hello everybody.
This is my first attempt at fan fiction so I hope all goes well with this.
So, here we go:


The atrocities of the War of Agaleah seemed to have no end. While more and more civilians and soldiers are lost, more and more advanced machinery is developed. The world's economy relies almost entirely on the continuance of the Agalian War.
This is the year referred to as 012 by the Eisenseele calendar. This is the tenth year since the first shell fell on enemy grounds.
This is the yaer the war will end.

Eren stood in line for the G force test. After waiting for hours at the recruit center for the bus to take him and the other cadets to the base; After going through long and difficult physical tests- this was it. Either pass the test and become an Armour pilot or be downgraded to mere infantry.
Along his week-old journey were more physically fit young men. Most of them passed all test with higher scores then his. Yet, the closer he got to the front of the line, the more cadet he saw getting out of the cockpit and running to the bathroom.
-If those guys couldn't withstand the test, I'm gonna die in there!- He thought to himself.
His turn came. A soldier showed Eren the way into the cockpit. Eren sat down and buckled up. The cockpit started vibrating. A sound of a man came from the speakers within the cockpit.
"O.K. Eren Wiermah. Welcome to the G-cockpit. When you feel you can't handle anymore, notify us. Don't be a hero. If you try to take on more then you're capable- you'll probably die."
Eren pressed a button on his handrest.
"O.K" he responded, wondering where the microphon is.
The cockpit vibrated faster and faster. Eren felt his body slowly getting quashed by the forces srounding him. Eventually it was too much.
-I must be the first guy to get out so fast...- He thought bitterly.
He pressed the button.
"I'd really like to get out now" He announced.
"Alright, it's logical" said the man's voice.
The vibrating stoped and Eren went out of the cockpit. Two soldiers came to him and escorted hom to a different room.
-That's it. I'm getting thrown out-
In the room there were a table and three chairs. One on the closer side of the table and the others on the farther side.
The two men set down and one of them gestured Eren to sit on the chiar. Eren set down immediately.
"Eren. 1% of all cadet who come to this test dies in the cockpit. Most times even before reaching an acceptable score. 62% don't finish with the required score. 32% have what it takes to become Air and Ground Battle Armour pilots." explained one of the soldiers.
"And the other 5%?" asked Eren slowly.
"5% gets scores so high we transfer them to the Elite Units. Congratulations! From this point on you are an official Comet Brigade cadet"
"You will be trained to pilot the Operative Zero Gravity Combat Aromour" Said the other soldier.
Eren couldn't believe it- This was beyond his wildest dreams.

 Post subject: Scarlet Raven - Act 1
 Post Posted: Wed Oct 13, 2010 7:38 pm 
Mecha Flunky

Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 11:24 am
Posts: 5
Both Africa and Asia were facing an all-time-low economical crisis. Hariko Konjuku, a multi-billionaire who saw the financial potential, started investing in low-tech industries throgh out the two continents. Not longer then 3 years later the self proclaimed Supreme Minister Konjuku declared the forming of the Eastern Nation out of both continents. The new nation gained great economical power.
Europe, which was threaten by the shift of forces in the world, rushed into a treaty with the second largest nation- the American Continent Union. After the events of the Australian Nightmare, the treaty became the constitution of the new Western Repoblic.
What was, at first, a cold war brought each titan to construct it's own space station, originally for science purposes. Inevitably, the two opponent stations became millitary bases- Turning space itself into a Battlefield.

Chapter 1
A simple mission. Deploy, recon, set explosive, get out and wait for pick-up. Kaido's squad was used to this kind of missions. Kaido got up and finished putting on his pilot suit. He picked up his helmet and went out of the quarters.
He walked to the airport where the XH-554, CA carrier was waiting for him.
The target- a new ENA base not yet populated. Altough no man is there yet, the hangars are already filled with at list 10 'Nara' Tactical Ground Combat Armour units.
Onboard the vessel were 6 'Vir' Tactical Ground Combat Armour units. One waqs his Vir and the others belonged to his soldiers.
There were 5 of them- Tenko, Molird, Bengeth, Apoll and Farren. Many other squad leaders were against the idea of a woman piloting a CA especially in their squad, but Farren's test scores were off-the-charts. She was almost taken to the Elite units up in the 'Solaris' space station.
Kaido sat down in the cockpit, buckled himself up and tested the communications.
"Wolf Alfa" Kiado stated.
"Wolf Beta" Tenko's voice was heared.
"Wolf Clement" said Bengeth.
"Wolf Denmark" called Molird.
"Wolf Easter" Apoll replied.
"Wolf Forest" said Farren.
"we're good-to-go" announced Kaido.
After 2 hours of flight the carrier pilot contacted Kaido's Vir.
"Deploy at 45 seconds"
"10-4" called Kaido "Alright Snow-Wolves, we're going down. No funny stuff let's get this over and fast"
The 6 Virs were deploied in mid-air and instantly opened their parachutes. The Virs landed on the snow covered soil and started walking forwored. Every Vir was equipped with a large machine gun conected to it's forearm and a sword on the hip. Kaido's Vir, like all Squad Leaders Virs, had an addtional machine gun on it's shoulder.
they got to the entrance of the base. The four meter hight fence was but a step for the 9 meter high CA.
There they were. 2 Hangers. The squad went between them facing one but not the other. Apoll advanced his Vir to get closer to the Naras.
"Watch it Apoll. There might be an alarm trigger somewhere" called Tenko.
"Relax. Those ENA idiots probably don't know how to set an alarm trigger" Apoll responded.
He looked through the cockpit screens on the Naras.
The Nara was almost equivalent to the Vir in strength and speed. But it was 2 meters shorter and a bit heavier.
An explosion was heared. Apoll's Vir was shot by one of the Naras. The gaint Metal humanoid dropped on the ground, motionless.
"They're manned! all of them! prepare for battle!" roared Kaido.
The five remaining Virs opened fire on the Nara's. 2 down, 3 ran out of the hangar and stood out, returning fire.
Farren's Vir was hit in the shoulder. She couldn't use the machine gun any more.
"Farren, Take cover!" called Kaido.
Farren directed her Vir to a safe point behind the hangar wall.
"Molird and Bengeth keep firing!" Kaido commanded.
"Tenko, can you hear me?"
"Yes, are you transmitting only to me?"
"affirmative. Take the explosive and throw them to the other hanger before those Naras rise to battle"
"you got it!"
Tenko's Vir ran and took out to explosive bricks, Tenko threw the bricks right throgh a window hole in the back wall of the second hangar.
boom! a great explosion destroid all 5 remainig Naras, pieces of hot metal arms and legs flew in the air.
But then 2 more explosions were heared. Bengeth and Molird's Virs were destroid bny the 3 remaining Naras.
"You monsters!" cried Tenko, Sending his Vir foreword and firing at the Naras. with 2 shots both his Vir's legs were taken. Tanko's Machine fell facing the ground.
"Tenko!" shouted Kaido.
Kaido pulled out his Virs sword.
The Vir ran towards the 3 Naras. On of them ran directly for him. Kaido pierced the Nara's torso, the Nara exploded. Kaido went on to the next one. The Nara tried to cross his arms to protect the body. Kido sliced both arms off and jagged the sword to the Nara's head.
The last one started shooting Kaido. Kaido threw the sword and cut the Eastern CA in half.
Kaido's Vir bended down and the cockpit opened. Kaido jumped down and ran to Tenkos' Vir. He manualy opend the cockpit and took Tenko out. He was still alive. Behind him Kaido heared voices.
"Sir! we're alive, over here!"
Farren carried Molird half-fainted on her back.
After checking their Virs Kaido declared both Bengeth and Apoll dead. He called for rescue.
-How am I going to tell this to their mothers- He thoght to himself.

 Post subject: Scarlet Raven - Act 1
 Post Posted: Thu Oct 14, 2010 11:09 am 
Mecha Flunky

Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 11:24 am
Posts: 5
Once the Western Republic Armed Forces started the mas-production of Graound Combat Armours, they replaced all tanks and mobilized-artillery. Eventualy, The Eastern Nation Army designed a first-of-it's-kind aerial CA called the 'Pakshiny'.
the WRAF suffered severe losts before they came up with the 'Avis' it's Tactial Air Combat Armour.
Up on the Space-Millitary base, designs for a new type of CA were being sketched.

Chapter 2
2 Soldiers, First Lieutenants at rank, came up to Kaido's room. Kaido stood up and saluted.
"At ease, Saff Sargent Murakey, we're here to speak with you about that battle yesterday"
said one of the officers.
"What about it, sir?" ask Kaido.
"You defeated 3 enemy Naras all by yourself. Nara that succeeded in injuring and killing your men"
"And woman" the other officers corrected the first one.
"So?" wonderd Kaido.
"Our records show that you haven't complited your G-force test when you were a cadet"
"The instructer stop me when I reached the acceptable level. But that was 3 years ago, what does that have to do with the battle?"
"Will you object to taking that test again?"
"No, of-course not, but why?"
The 2 officers walked Kaido to their car and drove. All the way from the millitary base in Bialystok to the WRDF Academy in Berlin. When they arrived it was already the middle of the night.
"Is it realy necessary to have this test right now?" asked Kaido.
"Yes. Immediately!" answered one of the officers.
Kaido sat down in the simulated cokcpit.
-Now I realize, this looks nothing like a real CA cockpit...- Kaido thought to himself.
The cockpit vibrated. Kaido was used to those kind of powers. Then it got stronher and stronger.
"Are you sure you're alright?" asked one of the officers through the communications.
"It a bit arder then I'm used to, but my lunch is still inside"
"We'll stop it any way"
"why?" Asked Kaido
"You've reached Level 13.86" said the officer.
The machine stoped slowly. Kaido went out and lokked at the control screen. 13.86.
"The best level any man can withstand is 7.43" Said one of the officers.
"How come you were'nt send to the Comet Brigade?" Asked the other one.
"I like the earth, I didn't want to live in some god-forsaken space station" answered Kaido.
"We need to run some more tests"

 Post subject: Scarlet Raven - Act 1
 Post Posted: Fri Oct 15, 2010 12:03 pm 
Mecha Flunky

Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 11:24 am
Posts: 5
Outer space is pitch-black. Fithing in it was useless. Units couldn't see each other, not to mention the enemy. After the Operational Zero-Gravity Combat Armour unit were built, Both the WRAF and the ENA developed their own kind of radar to indicate their own units.
Thanks to each army's Intelligance, Both radar methods were decoded. Every CA could now see in the dark.

Chapter 3
The Space terrian CA were bigger then the Ground or Aerial CA. The WRAF 'Signum' was 10 meters tall and the ENA 'Shakuna' was 9 meter tall. Their Battles were much harder as the enemy could come from any given direction.
Eran was used to these fights. The sensors could indicate any movment around him. New pilots would get confused from all the Bipig and flashing ligths all around the dashboard, but Eran doesn't.
-Enemy from the right!-
Eran turned the Signum upside-down and started firing the laser rifle. The enemy Shakuna was destroyed.
"Mayday! Mayday! Monster Clement to Monster Alpha!" a voice from the communication called.
Eran searched the screens srounding him. There was one of the Signums, half broken, being shot repeatingly by two Shakunas.
"Agrah!" cried Eran.
Eran sent his Signum forword and started firing at the enemy CAs. One went down but the other stopped shooting Agrah's CA and started shooting at Eran.
Eran maneuvered between the laser flares that flew toword him and shot back.
One of the flares hit Eran's Sginum's gun and it was blown away.
Eran tried to manuever his way to handle the Shkuna hand-to-hand, but the Shakuna kept firing with all it's power.
Then, with a bang, the Shakuna was destroyed. from below, Agrah managed to get the rifle from the distroyed Shakuna and shoot the enemy, with one working arm. After the enemy units were done,
eran carried the broken Signum back to the base.
Before he could get out of his CA cockpit, he heared the sound of the alarm.
"Two more units out their, Wiermah. Can you handle it?" Asked the commander through the communications.
"Sure, Two Shakuna's are nothing" answered Eran.
"Good, A new rifle is being installed right now. You can go!"
Eran's Signum went out of the space station in full speed. But in front of him ware not Shakunas.
Those were 2 CA he had never seen before. Big ones. At least 12 meters each.
-What are those?- Thought Eran.
"Monster Alpha" Called the commander "Those are the Borialis and the Australis. Come back you have no chance agains them"
"No time. Get back, We'll try to stop them with the station's weapens"
Eran turned his Signum back and went inside the base.
The station started shooting at the two enormous CAs.
Eran ran to the bridge. His cammander was already there.
"What are those? And how do you know them?" Ask Eran.
"Those are two prototype armours we built three months ago. They were stollen during a battle. They are more powerfull than 15 Shakunas or Signums"
"Than what can we do about them now?"
"That's a good question"

 Post Posted: Wed Oct 20, 2010 5:38 pm 
Newtype Emo Guy
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2007 1:27 pm
Posts: 328
Location: Heaven's Pillar

I get the basic premise of what's happening, and there's not a lot of glaring spelling/punctuation issues. However, the scraps of detail desperately need a good deal of fleshing out. It doesn't need to be an information dump, but this world your presenting is highly vague at best and doesn't even start to pull you in to it.

The basic narration at the beginning of each chapter doesn't go very far, and with the vast majority of this being dialogue, your description and detail leave much to be desired. I truly have no idea what a Vir is besides the mecha, which I'm guessing because this is in a mecha-based forum's fan fiction section. Unlike the Gundam 'fics here, you have no inkling of tech background to base off here and really need to establish what machines have what.

So, basically, details everywhere are severely lacking at best.

Mobile Suit Gundam Deus
Mobile System Gundam Legion

 Post Posted: Sat Nov 13, 2010 5:58 pm 
Mecha Flunky

Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 11:24 am
Posts: 5
Thank you for your comment.
I understand your point and will try to improve in the future.
As for spelling and grammer mistakes, My only explanation is that English isn't my native language but I'm doing my best.

Once again,
Thank you for your remarks.

 Post Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 5:55 pm 
Newtype Emo Guy
User avatar

Joined: Wed Jun 06, 2007 1:27 pm
Posts: 328
Location: Heaven's Pillar
One thing that can help catch grammar and spelling errors would be to run it through a spell checker, which is usually enabled on a word processor like Microsoft Word or Corel Word Perfect.

Mobile Suit Gundam Deus
Mobile System Gundam Legion

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