[What started as a self-parody (Dante is basically a comedic exaggeration of myself, even if we share the same name) side character in the Gundam AU RPG soon caught on with both me and the other players. So, I decided I'd run a sidestory, in "blog" format, detailing his account of the Gundam Fight.]
So, I'm all packed and ready to head out to Neo-Luxembourg. Because I'm the only one who can stand being around him for longer than 5 seconds, Marcus talks me into talking Nero into getting us a nice airship so we can enter in style like everyone else. While I'm sure most of you have heard my complaints about the Hatepig before, but I think it's worth reminding you that his own freaking son just asked me to go talk to him because he's more likely to listen to me. Just a reminder who's running this show for you all.
This is the exact dialouge. I [salt] you not:
"Uncle Nero? Based on the other countries, I think we could afford to have an airship ferry us into Neo Luxembourg."
"What the [flowers] would you need a blimp for? If every other country jumped off a bridge would you do it too? And don't say yes, I know you ain't as dumb as Marcus." (OH GEE I WONDER WHY MARCUS HATES HIS DAD)
"Well, I just figured since everyone else is, we didn't want to look bad. I mean, could you imagine how it would look if everyone but us had their own airship. We'd look pretty poor, right?" (I know the hatepig's weaknesses pretty well.)
"Ugh, it's breaking my balls, but I could get a ship on it."
So he gets us one of his freaking pirate ships. Under most circumstances, I would use my "flying pirate ship" tale to impress "that girl". But when you're trying to prove that your nation isn't a total plutocracy (which it is) you can't go bragging about flying around on a pirate ship.
Oh, and the other thing? This ship looks good on the outside, and that's about it. It's a filthy craphole with god-knows-what. The toilets get clogged, the food tastes like [grass], and the air reeks of depravity and debauchery. But unlike school, this place has no Wi-fi, so I'm kinda pissed. Guess I'll put the next post up when I get there.
OH AND BEFORE I GO FUN FACT: My Dad has no idea that there was a place called Neo Luxembourg. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. I'm the only intelligent person in this family.
4th Gundam Fight: Final Gambit Sidestory- Dante's Inferno
Re: 4th Gundam Fight: Final Gambit Sidestory- Dante's Inferno
[More Author's notes, on the off-chance that anyone's reading this. I'm using a stream-of-consciousness/ADD style of writing, and excessive capslock like in my own blogs. However, Dante is a good deal less subtle than me...]
I AM GOING TO FREAKING PUNCH SOMEONE. PROBABLY MARCUS.
OK, so we show up in Neo Luxembourg, and what's he go and do? Leave me to answer a bunch of reporter's questions while he goes out to be in a parade and have an awesome dinner at Castle Guillaume. Actually, you know what? I wouldn't stand to be there, becasue Ethan would give me a ton of crap for a castle sharing the same name as the founder of the Ultramarines. 40K is SERIOUS BUSINESS for us fanboys.
But still, I have to put up with all this crap about "Oh, what do you have to say about Neo so-and-so's allegations," or "Your country has been accused of nepotism, how do you respond?" How do I respond? HOW THE flowers DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA RESPOND, grassHOLE? I'M HERE EVEN THOUGH I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE IN NEO-AMERICA, YOU THINK THAT'S A SIGN OF NEPOTISM? IF I DIDN'T HAVE THIS LAST NAME I WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL RIGHT NOW. But I digress. I do love reporters for asking the important questions. that clearly bug people's minds. JUST NOT WHILE I WANNA RIDE AROUND ON A GIANT ROBOT TO IMPRESS A GIRL, OK?
If there's any upside to this massive screwover, it's that I figured out that for this event, I'm considered a Neo-Italian citizen, and legally allowed to drive. And buy whatever the heck I want that I don't already torrent. I'm probably gonna need a stiff drink.
I AM GOING TO FREAKING PUNCH SOMEONE. PROBABLY MARCUS.
OK, so we show up in Neo Luxembourg, and what's he go and do? Leave me to answer a bunch of reporter's questions while he goes out to be in a parade and have an awesome dinner at Castle Guillaume. Actually, you know what? I wouldn't stand to be there, becasue Ethan would give me a ton of crap for a castle sharing the same name as the founder of the Ultramarines. 40K is SERIOUS BUSINESS for us fanboys.
But still, I have to put up with all this crap about "Oh, what do you have to say about Neo so-and-so's allegations," or "Your country has been accused of nepotism, how do you respond?" How do I respond? HOW THE flowers DO YOU THINK I'M GONNA RESPOND, grassHOLE? I'M HERE EVEN THOUGH I'VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE IN NEO-AMERICA, YOU THINK THAT'S A SIGN OF NEPOTISM? IF I DIDN'T HAVE THIS LAST NAME I WOULD BE TALKING ABOUT FOOTBALL RIGHT NOW. But I digress. I do love reporters for asking the important questions. that clearly bug people's minds. JUST NOT WHILE I WANNA RIDE AROUND ON A GIANT ROBOT TO IMPRESS A GIRL, OK?
If there's any upside to this massive screwover, it's that I figured out that for this event, I'm considered a Neo-Italian citizen, and legally allowed to drive. And buy whatever the heck I want that I don't already torrent. I'm probably gonna need a stiff drink.
Re: 4th Gundam Fight: Final Gambit Sidestory- Dante's Inferno
Dear god, what happened last night? All I remember is going to the pub on the Federation's airship and then it's all just a blur.
OK, Reaper recorded the entire night. Let me watch it now.
WHAT.
THE.
flowers.
OK, to the best of my ability to interpret what occurred: I asked the Neo Japanese fighter for an interview. After winning said interview in a drinking game, I was pulled over by the Neo-Spanish fighter team to interview their fightier. Then I ask Neo Austrailia's fighter for an interview. This is where things get crazy: SHE ASKS ME TO RIDE REAPER LIKE A MECHANICAL BULL. I DO IT. BOO-YAH, I AM HARDCORE. And then the rest of it is me watching her make out with the Neo-Japanese fighter. I'm totally saving that footage for later.
Also, from who I saw on the recording, let me play god and pass judgment on the souls I have seen.
Rin Kuzunoha (Neo Japan)- Pretty cool girl. Must have a liver of steel. Pretty fun to be around. Nice, smart, and funny. Oh, and a 10 out of 10. So yeah, out of my league. Her support crew doesn't seem to speak English. One of them had some weird robot following them around. Maybe it could get together with Reaper.
Caleb Enrique Cruz (Neo Spain)- Also, a fun, neat guy. Charming, congenial, and very skilled. Probably going to get all the women leaving none for me. Oh, and he can do crazy ninja flips even when he's tanked. DANG. But I think a girl from his support crew was hitting on me. Score.
Allison Cheslock (Neo-Australia)- Bit of a handful, but certainly the life of the party. Also speaks English fluently, making communications easy. Called me "Cadbury," whatever that means. And before any of you insinuate that it's a pet name for me, I think she's a lesbian. So don't expect us to be a couple anytime soon.
Kydan Kassan (Neo-Kurdistan)- seems obnoxious and stuck up. And they say I have poor social skills. ON A SIDE NOTE YOU CAN TOTALLY WATCH MARCUS KICK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM TONIGHT.
Dieter Mayers (Neo-Germany)- Looks like a douche. Probably is one. Kind of looks grumpy too. Douche.
Karl Franz the III (Neo-England)- DEAR GOD. THIS MAN COULD NOT BE MORE BRITISH IF HE HAD A TOP HAT AND MONOCLE. Looks like he'll be a tough fight. The silent gentlemen are always the biggest hard-arses on the battlefront.
OK, Reaper recorded the entire night. Let me watch it now.
WHAT.
THE.
flowers.
OK, to the best of my ability to interpret what occurred: I asked the Neo Japanese fighter for an interview. After winning said interview in a drinking game, I was pulled over by the Neo-Spanish fighter team to interview their fightier. Then I ask Neo Austrailia's fighter for an interview. This is where things get crazy: SHE ASKS ME TO RIDE REAPER LIKE A MECHANICAL BULL. I DO IT. BOO-YAH, I AM HARDCORE. And then the rest of it is me watching her make out with the Neo-Japanese fighter. I'm totally saving that footage for later.
Also, from who I saw on the recording, let me play god and pass judgment on the souls I have seen.
Rin Kuzunoha (Neo Japan)- Pretty cool girl. Must have a liver of steel. Pretty fun to be around. Nice, smart, and funny. Oh, and a 10 out of 10. So yeah, out of my league. Her support crew doesn't seem to speak English. One of them had some weird robot following them around. Maybe it could get together with Reaper.
Caleb Enrique Cruz (Neo Spain)- Also, a fun, neat guy. Charming, congenial, and very skilled. Probably going to get all the women leaving none for me. Oh, and he can do crazy ninja flips even when he's tanked. DANG. But I think a girl from his support crew was hitting on me. Score.
Allison Cheslock (Neo-Australia)- Bit of a handful, but certainly the life of the party. Also speaks English fluently, making communications easy. Called me "Cadbury," whatever that means. And before any of you insinuate that it's a pet name for me, I think she's a lesbian. So don't expect us to be a couple anytime soon.
Kydan Kassan (Neo-Kurdistan)- seems obnoxious and stuck up. And they say I have poor social skills. ON A SIDE NOTE YOU CAN TOTALLY WATCH MARCUS KICK THE CRAP OUT OF HIM TONIGHT.
Dieter Mayers (Neo-Germany)- Looks like a douche. Probably is one. Kind of looks grumpy too. Douche.
Karl Franz the III (Neo-England)- DEAR GOD. THIS MAN COULD NOT BE MORE BRITISH IF HE HAD A TOP HAT AND MONOCLE. Looks like he'll be a tough fight. The silent gentlemen are always the biggest hard-arses on the battlefront.
Re: 4th Gundam Fight: Final Gambit Sidestory- Dante's Inferno
WOOOOO MARCUS ACTUALLY WON. flowers YEAH. AND HE WON BY USING THE WEAPON I SUGGESTED. Seriously, I think my loyal readers would be surprised to know that yours truely helped design the Gundam. Of course, a ton of my ideas were rejected because some bullsugar about "the final product requiring a generator capable of powering an entire city for a week." What did the original Legion Gundam have? Let me tell you.
Ideas of the Hatepig:
-Nuclear engine (I don't even-)
-Invisiblity device (Pretty sure they don't exist)
-FTL thrusters (BECAUSE fork YOU EINSTEIN, THAT'S WHY)
-Poison Gas (Illegal on so many levels)
-Sold gold, diamond-encrusted outer shell (I swear, this could not be dumber unless he drew the design in crayon)
Dante's RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME IDEAS
-A gun that shoots bears
-A gun that shoots chainsaws
-A gun that shoots bears with chainsaws for hands
-Dual Beam Bazookas (could be Ballistas to go with roman theme)
-Chest-mounted Hyper Laser of Doom
-Rocket punch
-DRILLS. DRILLS EVERYWHERE.
-A gun that shoots tanks that shoot bears with Chainsaws for hands
-the aforementioned drills being able to be shot off as missiles.
-ROCKET LAUNCHER
-ROCKET LAWN-CHAIR
-Fully automatic RPG
-More Dakka
-The ability to transform into a T-rex
-Orbital defensive shields
-Speakers that play MMM Bop until enemy is driven insane/suicidal
-The ability to project holograms of attractive women to divert enemy attention.
-Grappling Hook
-The ability to transform into a Monster Truck (in addition to a T-Rex)
-Automated Cheesesteak maker
-Even more Dakka
-"Back door" control system that I have sole access to.
-Way to get said Cheesesteaks to me in the control booth.
-Air conditioning/heating
-A sick flame paintjob
-Massive, Gundam-size aviator shades for it to wear
-Manly mustache that could be removed to use as a boomerang.
I should totally pursue a career in Mobile Suit design.
Ideas of the Hatepig:
-Nuclear engine (I don't even-)
-Invisiblity device (Pretty sure they don't exist)
-FTL thrusters (BECAUSE fork YOU EINSTEIN, THAT'S WHY)
-Poison Gas (Illegal on so many levels)
-Sold gold, diamond-encrusted outer shell (I swear, this could not be dumber unless he drew the design in crayon)
Dante's RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME IDEAS
-A gun that shoots bears
-A gun that shoots chainsaws
-A gun that shoots bears with chainsaws for hands
-Dual Beam Bazookas (could be Ballistas to go with roman theme)
-Chest-mounted Hyper Laser of Doom
-Rocket punch
-DRILLS. DRILLS EVERYWHERE.
-A gun that shoots tanks that shoot bears with Chainsaws for hands
-the aforementioned drills being able to be shot off as missiles.
-ROCKET LAUNCHER
-ROCKET LAWN-CHAIR
-Fully automatic RPG
-More Dakka
-The ability to transform into a T-rex
-Orbital defensive shields
-Speakers that play MMM Bop until enemy is driven insane/suicidal
-The ability to project holograms of attractive women to divert enemy attention.
-Grappling Hook
-The ability to transform into a Monster Truck (in addition to a T-Rex)
-Automated Cheesesteak maker
-Even more Dakka
-"Back door" control system that I have sole access to.
-Way to get said Cheesesteaks to me in the control booth.
-Air conditioning/heating
-A sick flame paintjob
-Massive, Gundam-size aviator shades for it to wear
-Manly mustache that could be removed to use as a boomerang.
I should totally pursue a career in Mobile Suit design.
Re: 4th Gundam Fight: Final Gambit Sidestory- Dante's Infern
HAHAHAHA WE WON AGAIN BECAUSE NEO-INDIA DIDN'T EVEN SHOW. OH, AND, IF YOU WERE WATCHING THE STREAM, I FIGURED OUT THAT WE TECHNICALLY WON THE NEO-ISRAEL MATCH. SO NOW WE ARE 3 AND 0. UNDEFEATED OF ITALY. OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
So next up is Neo Australia. Yes, that was the fighter who got me to ride Reaper like a bull. (He's still mad about it. He mad.) It hink this will definately be fun to watch.
OH. I was talking to a buddy who works at GAME BRO MAGAZINE. Yeah, when you write for one magazine, you meet people who write for others. Anyway, my Gamebro is telling me that EA sports is looking into making a Gundam Fight Game. AND I MIGHT HELP WITH THE PROJECT. I mean, I hate EA Sports. The Madden series has been on the decline even since they made the Chargers seriously overpowered. (Seriously, not even the Eagles, THE GREATEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT, could beat them. WHY.) But still, I love being part of making things (except for babies) especially video games. So GUESS WHO'S OBSERVATIONS ARE BEING USED TO MAKE THE OFFICIAL GUNDAM FIGHT GAME. AW YEAH.
So next up is Neo Australia. Yes, that was the fighter who got me to ride Reaper like a bull. (He's still mad about it. He mad.) It hink this will definately be fun to watch.
OH. I was talking to a buddy who works at GAME BRO MAGAZINE. Yeah, when you write for one magazine, you meet people who write for others. Anyway, my Gamebro is telling me that EA sports is looking into making a Gundam Fight Game. AND I MIGHT HELP WITH THE PROJECT. I mean, I hate EA Sports. The Madden series has been on the decline even since they made the Chargers seriously overpowered. (Seriously, not even the Eagles, THE GREATEST FOOTBALL TEAM IN THE HISTORY OF THE SPORT, could beat them. WHY.) But still, I love being part of making things (except for babies) especially video games. So GUESS WHO'S OBSERVATIONS ARE BEING USED TO MAKE THE OFFICIAL GUNDAM FIGHT GAME. AW YEAH.