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 Post Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 3:01 am 
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Retconned MSV Ace

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Look, you're suffering from the same problem in this fic as you did in the previous one I commented; you jump in with both feet to a story that you have worked out in your head but it doesn't communicate itself to the reader. Why has PLANT (or ZAFT) submitted to outside authority in the form of the EFMP? Why would a drug cartel have access to mobile suits? Or why would they kill Lacus; it is not as if killing her will undo the creation of the EFMP. In more "real" terms, most drug-cartels understand that if they rock the boat too hard, they will suffer consequences. In the war-torn world of CE, they might actually make a killing (in monetary terms) quite easily without calling attention to themselves. Give them a clearer motivation to hunt down Lacus instead of making them insane(ly stupid) movie-villains. ;) Maybe that'll come in the later episodes.

Quote:
Feelgood was once again enraged. He killed the henchman that told him the bad news and went on a temper tantrum in his 'throne room'. Knocking stuff down, beating his henchmen, and kicking down his golden throne with angels on it. He walked over to a mirror with crack-cocaine on it, and snorted a couple of lines of the powder to calm himself down.

Ummm this guy cannot be operating an outfit of any finesse to speak of. Killing your henchmen randomly and beating them up tends to lower morale and make it more likely for you to get shot in the back. You're smack in the middle of movie-villain territory here. Plus, if you're going to do a story about drugs, you need to do some research accordingly. Crack isn't exactly the stuff that mellows you out. ;) That would be weed.

But your language has been improving a bit, so that's progress. :)

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*Almost everyone I've killed uttered similar last words.
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 Post Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 11:51 am 
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Newtype Emo Guy
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Location: Heaven's Pillar
Research, even though it's fiction, will help create credibility in your story. Two of your friends here are Wikipedia (though you make take it with a grain of salt to be safe) and Google can help in this department.

Dr. Feelgood reminds me of the main antagonist in FMP: The Second Raid with how he offs henchmen.

ZAFT being dismantled by the EFMP? Based on the events shown in the CE universe, that's a real stretch in my opinion as the end result without giant space lasers or the three-ships alliance seems to be either mutually assured destruction or a draw. It's sort of like saying the KKK will submit to the Black Panthers or something like that. It's very hard to swallow based on what happened at a macro-level in CE 71 & 73.

I realize this is fiction, but if you want to write in a preexisting universe, you need to take into consideration what factors there are, and make a credible jump if you wish to take a far out approach with a major plot point. Again, ZAFT under EFMP just is too far out there and seems like a really bloody attack.

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 Post Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 12:44 pm 
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Pilot's Doomed Girlfriend
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Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2006 7:39 pm
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Antares wrote:
Quote:
Feelgood was once again enraged. He killed the henchman that told him the bad news and went on a temper tantrum in his 'throne room'. Knocking stuff down, beating his henchmen, and kicking down his golden throne with angels on it. He walked over to a mirror with crack-cocaine on it, and snorted a couple of lines of the powder to calm himself down.

Ummm this guy cannot be operating an outfit of any finesse to speak of. Killing your henchmen randomly and beating them up tends to lower morale and make it more likely for you to get shot in the back. You're smack in the middle of movie-villain territory here. Plus, if you're going to do a story about drugs, you need to do some research accordingly. Crack isn't exactly the stuff that mellows you out. ;) That would be weed.

If he's suffering from withdrawal symptoms, taking a dose would help bring him back to a "baseline" of behavior; but I don't think violently killing someone is a symptom of cocaine withdrawal.

Also, crack cocaine and powder cocaine are different and are ingested in different ways. You could make a powder out of crack cocaine to snort it, but that's counter-productive because you're already cooking the pure powder (which is the kind that's snorted) in order to make it usable for smoking methods. And if this guy is loaded with cash, he's not going to be bothering with crack, since the primary purpose of crack is to stretch the drug as far as possible--poorer people use crack, and richer people use powder.

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 Post Posted: Tue Jul 06, 2010 5:10 pm 
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Newtype Emo Guy
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But still, ZAFT integrating with the EF? Again, that's a huge stretch given the animosity against coordinators. I know it was pushed by Blue Cosmos, and that disappearing in 4 years is really pushing it. Plus, it's conceivable that people following Patrick Zala's extremist ideals would also be hanging around in ZAFT and the PLANTs.

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