Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update Oct. 23rd, 2010)

Your own tale of two mecha.

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tehprognoob
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Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update Oct. 23rd, 2010)

Post by tehprognoob » Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:01 pm

Year 2420...

Human evolution, thought to have stopped, has regained momentum. A new kind of humanity, the Neo-Evolution Mark I's began to appear throughout the Earth, bearing strange new mental powers. Soon, genetic labs have deciphered the mutation that led to this evolution, and further enhanced Mark IIs were developed. Ordinary Humanity, unable to accept this change, began a open revolt against both the artificial and natural evolutions.

Year 2535...

After the brutal First and Second Enhancement Wars, the Stage IIs have left the Earth in search of a new home for their kind, while Stage Is mostly stayed on Earth with their Homo Sapien cousins, having been gruffly accepted as "natural enough."

Year 2640...

The Stage II colonist group have successfully completed 5 bio-sphere colonies and have formed the United Space Colonies, an independent nation, free of the control of Earth, just a few thousand kilometers from the dark side of the moon, moving in geosynchronous orbit with the Earth.

Mobile Suit GUNDAM Vindicator

Phase I: 0th
Phase II: A Gundam
Phase III: Purification
Phase IV: In Whose Hands can Power be Trusted?
Phase V: What I Want

Character Bios:

Raiden Takeshi

Gender: Male
Race: Artificial Mk.II
Age: 18
Nationality: Japanese
Hair color: Black
Eye color: Black
Height: 1.95 Meters (6' 4.77")
Occupation: Mobile Suit Pilot

Ayame Kyoko

Gender: Female
Age: 17
Race: Artificial Mk.II
Nationality: Eurasian
Hair color: Light blond
Eye color: Green
Height: 1.79 meters (5' 10.47")
Occupation: Mobile suit pilot.

Shawn Marcos

Gender: Male
Age: 20
Race: Natural Mk. II
Nationality: American
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Black
Height: 1.98 meters (6'5.95")
Occupation: Mobile suit pilot.

Jacqueline Arceneau (Colonel)

Gender: Female
Age: 35
Race: Artificial Mk. II
Nationality: French/Colonist
Hair Color: Blonde
Eye Color: Blue
Height: 1.75 meters (5'8.89")
Occupation: 0th Mechanized Division Commander; Mobile suit pilot

Conner Lowes

Gender: Male
Age: N/A
Race: Natural Mk. I
Nationality: American
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: N/A
Height: 1.98 meters (6'5")
Occupation: Exterminators Commander

Mobile weapons bios

Mass Production/Limited Mass Production Mobile Suits:

UNE:

F-PMS-001 Sentinel I
Model Number: F-PMS-001.
Code Name: Sentinel I.
Unit Type: Prototype General Use Mobile Suit.
Manufacturer: General Electric.
Operator: United Nations of Earth.
Accommodations: Pilot only; in standard torso cockpit.
Dimensions: Head height 19.89 Meters.
Armor materials: Titanium alloy/Kevlar/Glass Steel.
Power plant: Compact Lithium-ion battery.
Equipment and Design Features: Sensor Array; prototype pilot-machine psychoframe connection.
Fixed Armaments: Molecular Disruptor Blade; Twin 30 mm Vulcan, head-mounted, fire-linked; Prototype neutron stream blade; TOW missile Launcher, X10 Tubes, one full reload available.
Optional Armaments: 300 mm Rifled Machine Cannon; Bazooka; Guided Missile Launcher, capable of firing "Colony Killer" Tactical Thermonuclear Warhead.

F-PMS-001B Sentinel IIIB Multi-Environment Type
Model Number: F-PMS-001B
Code Name: Sentinel IIIB Multi-Environment Type
Unit Type: General Use Mass Production Mobile Suit
Manufacturer(s): General Electronics+Lockheed Martin+Boeing Defense Systems
Operators: United Nations of Earth
Accommodations: Pilot only; in standard torso cockpit.
Dimensions: Head height 18 meters
Armor Materials: Titanium/Hardened plastic
Power plant: Compact Lithium-ion battery
Equipment and Design Features: Sensor array, Second-Generation Psychoframe Interface System
Fixed Armaments: Neutron beam saber; twin 30 mm vulcans, head mounted, fire-linked; TOW missile launcher (Not available on police model), X10 multipurpose missile tubes, one full reload available
Optional hand armaments: 300 mm rapid-fire machine gun, bazooka, riot shield (police model only), antipersonnel grenade launcher

MiG-375 Gale
Model Number: MiG-375
Unit Type: Prototype High-Performance Close Combat Mobile Suit
Manufacturer(s): Mikoyan
Operators: Exterminators; Mikoyan R&D
Accommodations: Pilot only; in chest cockpit block
Dimensions: Head Height 17.5 meters
Armor Materials: Titanium alloy; hardened plastic
Powerplant: Compact Lithium-Ion batteries
Equipment and Design Features: Sensors; Enhanced Psychoframe Link
Fixed Armaments: Beam sabers X2, Beam claws, Beam pistols, vulcans X2; fire-linked, antimissile flare launchers, missile pods
Optional hand armaments: None
Last edited by tehprognoob on Sun Oct 31, 2010 6:59 pm, edited 16 times in total.
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Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator Phase I

Post by tehprognoob » Wed Jun 09, 2010 4:08 pm

Last edited by tehprognoob on Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update June 12th, 2010)

Post by Imperial » Mon Jun 14, 2010 6:17 pm

I saw your asking for feedback in the general discussion thread, so here's my two cents.

It's not a bad start at all, but it's not really grabbing me just yet. There are three broad weaknesses in the first chapter.

It's a bit dull. Having every last member of the MS team report their status using the exact same phrasing may be good protocol, but it's boring to read. You could spice things up with a bit more description instead of dialogue. Paint me a picture.

The text runs together. Every time a new speaker opens his or her mouth, there should be a new paragraph. Don't do this: "What's the matter?" "It's nothing." Instead, do this:

"What's the matter?"

"It's nothing."


Original universes are fundamentally doomed to little, if any, feedback. Half the point of fanfiction is seeing those familiar faces and locales. Sure, we like seeing them run together in new, author-spun yarns, but there's always that safety net of familiarity. Taking us out of what we know and dumping us into a brand, new world full of characters and robots we've never seen before will come as a huge turn-off to a lot of potential readers. That's not to say original is the wrong way to go, but if you're aching for reviews, you might want to loop back around to familiar territory.
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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update June 12th, 2010)

Post by tehprognoob » Mon Jun 14, 2010 7:14 pm

Oh, thanks. I was kind of inspired by Big B's fic, and I got the idea into my head. As for too much diaogue and not enough description, that's probably from th fact that I think up the plot line in an anime-like series of images in my head, so I tend to forget that they're only in my head >_<.
I suppose it'll be a little better once the artworks also come in. Please watch this place for updates :).
EDIT: I started this with an intention to make it original as much as possible, but would it help if I put in familiar names from past shows? (i.e. Newtypes and an Earth Alliance/Similar plot lines?) So far, the only non-original things are exra-evolved humans (taken from the Newtypes of UC), world governments and Gundams/Mobile Suits
And any feedback on the particular names of organizations/characters?
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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update June 12th, 2010)

Post by Imperial » Mon Jun 14, 2010 11:35 pm

Putting on a new coat of paint won't change the underlying structure. No, I don't think name changes are the recipe for success.

The fanfiction section is pretty quiet in general. If you're writing for the reviews, you may be writing for the wrong reasons. Keep writing what you want to write, and if you pick up a stable of steady readers along the way, that's great. If not, at least you can say you satisfied yourself.
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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update June 12th, 2010)

Post by tehprognoob » Tue Jun 15, 2010 4:55 pm

Okay, fixed.
Phase one fixed, phase two in the works. Unlike my Eva fic, this is getting a lot of mobile suit action early on.
And thanks again for the advice. Hope you like what you see. (Any more advice is, of course, welcome.)
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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update June 15th, 2010)

Post by tehprognoob » Thu Jun 24, 2010 7:58 pm

Almost done :D
Quick sneak preview (unformatted.)
SpoilerShow
Cries of alarm went up all over the com line as the Virgils swarmed away from the newcomer. Raiden gazed, awed, as the golden suit put away its rifle and pulled out two beam saber handles. Almost nonchalantly, the suit ignited both sabers, and the already brilliant armor burst into yellow-white flames as light from both white-hot blades ricocheted off of the suit. It hovered, fixed wings puffing an occasional stabilizing burst. The mobile suit was completely covered in a layer of gilded armor. Two neat, long spikes extended from its forehead, and a spearhead-shaped shield covered each arm. Two huge blades hung on its backpack, and a massive strut extended from its back over its head. The suit turned and stared at the group of nervous recruits, who were only armed with training equipment.
SpoilerShow
Ayame suddenly killed her thrusters and dropped. A few meters from the ground, she hit the gas and dashed forwards. Raising her rifle, she spat a stream of beams at the Colonel’s suit, which swerved aside gracefully, and loosed both her chaff cannons upon the Virgil below.
As the noise and light cleared, a Virgil was seen. It seemed to be lying on the ground, but its back was arched up, and it looked as if it was raised off the ground.
A shot lashed out from under the downed machine, hitting the Colonel’s suit in the face. Ayame slid her machine out from under the other Virgil, which she was using as a shield, and continued to fire at the Colonel. The golden suit leapt back and fired blindly with its rifle and chaff cannons. Taken by surprise, Ayame ran straight into the barrage.
“Oh!”
That's it for now...
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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update June 28th, 2010)

Post by tehprognoob » Mon Jun 28, 2010 11:25 pm

Last edited by tehprognoob on Sat Jul 17, 2010 11:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update June 28th, 2010)

Post by tehprognoob » Mon Jul 05, 2010 1:27 pm

Re-wrote Phase II; minor name changes all around.
EDIT: Spellchecked Phase II; a week off of Microsoft Word and this many typos come up >_<
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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update July 8th, 2010)

Post by Amadi Akintunde » Thu Jul 22, 2010 6:24 pm

I sure hope Shawn doesn't die first. :P

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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update July 8th, 2010)

Post by tehprognoob » Thu Jul 22, 2010 6:43 pm

Amadi Akintunde wrote:I sure hope Shawn doesn't die first. :P
He might, or he might not. :twisted:
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Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator Phase III

Post by tehprognoob » Wed Aug 25, 2010 6:55 pm

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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update August 25th, 2010

Post by tehprognoob » Sat Sep 25, 2010 9:51 pm

Updated character profile with the Colonel, and added an extra grunt suit.
Phase IV is here.

Phase IV: In Whose Hands can Power be Trusted?
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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update Oct. 23rd, 2010)

Post by tehprognoob » Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:02 pm

Phase V: What I Want

SOOO TIRED FROM SCHOOL! :evil:
Anyway, Lowes is going after a replacement mobile suit.
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Re: Mobile Suit Gundam Vindicator (Last Update Oct. 23rd, 2010)

Post by tehprognoob » Sun Oct 31, 2010 7:00 pm

Updated bios. Read the story, lol!
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