Ah, so China rules the world so to speak? Tell me, Nate, how much do you know about Kung Fu?? =3 I'm not trying to be stereotypical, but I'm always looking for excuses to mix martial arts into everything else. Admit it, it'd be awesome. =p
I guess I got through reading this one because it was pretty short. I've been REALLY behind on doing reviews on the original fics here, and even further behind in my own writing. To start off, let me say that everything ShadowCell has told you is very good advice
and I might even want to re-emphasize all of it to you.
The acronyms OWN and MASS get a bit annoying to read over and over. If given the chance, I would just write out at least "World Nation" as an adjective instead of OWN. Use other synonyms to refer to MASSes. Talk about them in groups. Try words like: unit/s, pairs, teams, squads, battalions, fleets, and so forth.
I don't think that there was any mention that the Blue MASS was any different from the others. Just that you decided to give it a custom color and the pilot has a name like no one else on the entire battle field. So they ALL had swords too? Why not just start off with that, since they seemed to have a better advantage fighting in that range? =/ What are they all equipped with, anyway?Tech/physics advice:
nothing can be "made of energy". Energy is not a substance, and it's only something you can "possess". That weapon can't shoot/be made of pure heat energy. It can have a beam possessing/emitting heat energy. It can fire rounds with heat energy. I hope you get the drift.
What does the title stand for? I personally think religion can be the most fascinating subject a person can study, so I was a little disappointed to find that your first entry was pretty much absent of it. Or maybe I just missed it because I've only studied Eastern stuff to a reasonable degree.... In what way were you hoping to approach religion in your story?
I suggest you get a lot of practice with making vivid descriptions! I notice that your language tends to be extremely general and pretty non-specific. Kinda like the Bible, or like the parts that I've heard at least. To grip your audience, you need to make it so the narrative relates to whoever is reading it. It's hard to relate to the number of MASS units being destroyed. You need to establish character to your story. I think you were far too hasty to jump into the action. You should spend some time developing a solid base and some solid characters to write about and start in that direction.
A good way to be vivid and specific in your battle descriptions is to put yourself through the same battles. Your people were outnumbered 10 to 1. Do you even know how freaking difficult it is to dodge attacks from 10 different directions at once? Do you know how much it takes to aim, dodge, fire, and attack and all of those things all at once in only fractions of a second? Can you imagine how hard it is to use a sword? It'll take a lot of mental power, but these kinds of excercises can be good for you and your writing.
I guess we have a bunch of people around for general advice, Nate. You just need to know how to ask for it. Just try not to specifically bug me too much because the last thing I need is another distraction from my own projects and school work. =p I personally think this story idea has potential, so I want to see it fleshed out. I call it a good start, because it at least showed you how you can improve. Progress!
*gasp* And why didn't you do a GW fic?? We need more supporters!