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 Post subject: E Nalem
 Post Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:20 am 
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Well the title of this series is going to be E Nalem.

First of all the views and beliefs of this series in no way shape or form express the views of the mahq.net staff or members.

My intention is to make an end-times thriller kind of like left behind but I want it to be with mechas. So there will be religion in this one. I hope that the mods don't mind I am not trying to shove religion down anyones throat. I have always wanted to make my own gundam like series and the two things I know best are gundam and the Bible so I decided to combine them in a fun action packed series. This is my first draft so things might not make much sense and I would just make it into a manga but I can't draw so here it goes! :shock:

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 Post subject: Re: E Nalem
 Post Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:23 am 
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I don't mind if religion is a major part of your story, but what I do mind is that there's no story here. Do you have something written already?


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 Post subject: Re: E Nalem
 Post Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:28 am 
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E Nalem episode 1

Daniel 12:3-5
3 Those who are wise shall shine
Like the brightness of the firmament,
and those who turn many to righteousness
Like the stars forever and ever.
4 “But you, Daniel, shut up the words, and seal the book until the time of the end; many shall run to and fro, and knowledge shall increase.”
5 Then I, Daniel, looked; and there stood two others, one on this riverbank and the other on that riverbank.

The year is 2016. The world economy is at a crash but technology is accelerating at an alarming rate. One of this world's greatest inventions is found to be one of the most devastating weapons of war. It is The Mechanized Assault Super Suit or M.A.S.S. unit for short. This amazing weapon is a four story tall humanoid robot that can be piloted by one person. Under the leadership of Chin Lang the nation of china proposes a bailout plan for the desperate world. They issue a one world currency and declare that every nation will now be a part of the One World Nation. Peace and prosperity seems to be at the grasp of all Almost every nation joins up and war seems to be over. However some nations do not want to be controlled by this new world order. The countries that wish to be free and not controlled by Lang form the Alliance of Free Nations. In response China and the newly formed O.W.N declare war on any nation who refuse to join their new government. War ravishes the land and despair fills the heart of the alliance. In a final attempt to live an independent life the Alliance launches a desperate plan. They decide to colonize space to get away from the war redden world. They launch huge space stations into space called Orbitals that can simulate earth life and hold up to 100,000 people per Orbital. At first mostly those who were living in the more powerful nations of the alliance such as the USA and Great Brittan can make it to space. However through many conflicts the alliance launch enough Orbitals to hold over one third of the earth’s population. The nations of the world fall to O.W.N and the only force standing in its way to complete control is a few launch posts and the Alliance space force. On January 21, 2017 Chin Lang issues an order to the entire O.W.N. He declares that the O.W.N will stop at nothing until every bit of earth is under their control and now space as well. The O.W.N. builds a massive fortress on the moon and launches an all out M.A.S.S. battle to crush the alliance. Thus World War III begins and so does the final time of the Great Tribulation.

Scout: Sir enemy OWN MASS units are closing in on Orbital 1.
Commander Josh: Alright every one this is what we have been training to do. Begin the operation

A force of 1000 MASS units open fire on what they thought would be easy to destroy Alliance space force. However the OWN did not realize that the Alliance was so ahead of their technology and they possessed beam weaponry, and with a force of 100 MASS units the alliance defense force begin the first battle of the new war.

OWN commander: Alright men we have them in our grasp missal barrage open fire.

Alliance force begin to spread out. 10 MASS explode. And they fire on the huge force.
About 40 OWN MASS were destroyed but they were no push overs themselves. In the distance the President of the Alliance John Morton can see the battle going on. It looks like streams of light bouncing back and forth with explosions going on.
The alliance even with their superior technology could not fight of such a huge force with such a little one. The alliance are down to about 35 MASS while the OWN still have 735.

Commander Josh: Fall back men we are to out gunned.

The entire alliance force begins to fall back.

President Secretary: Sir should we launch are main force now.
President Rayland Morton: No not yet, let the experiment on an extended continue.
Commander of MASS force: Alright we have them on the run let’s finish them off. What does this weakling hope to accomplish.

One blue colored Alliance MASS has not retreated and stands to hold the line.

Commander John: Aaron you stupid idiot get out of there.
Aaron: ….
OWN Commander: Oh so he wants a duel Hugh. Let’s have a little fun you thirty go and destroy this embisal.
Aaron: Targets acquired.

The 30 MASS units open fire as the rest of the OWN force wait and watch. Aaron in the blue MASS pulled out a beam caliber, which is a sword made from pure thermal energy. He jolts upward and avoids the shots. He approaches the 30 enemies and they continue to fire a barrage. Aaron quickly flies between the enemies chopping 4 at a time. One OWN unit pulls out a metal sword and raises it to strike Aaron as his beam caliber is stabbing an OWN MASS without a moment’s notice Aaron flips up his beam gun with his left hand and swings around and with the beam caliber still in his enemy he grabs his beam gun and fires strait through the chest cockpit of his enemy. Quickly grabbing his beam caliber Aaron continues slashing and firing with his left handed beam gun at the remaining 30 enemies. It happens so fast that it seems like just a bunch of explosions around this blue Alliance MASS unit.
The retreating Alliance force stop and look and look at Aaron’s victory.

Commander John: Come on guys we can do it too!

Alliance force turns back to the front line.

OWN Commander: What are you doing destroy that blue MASS.

The OWN entire force opens fire on Aaron and he dashes toward the enemy. Aarons left arm and right leg is blown of off his Mass but he slashes 10 enemies
in return. The alliance force final comes back and opens fire and takes out their beam calibers. Slashing and shooting the battle continues. The OWN are now left with 100 men and the alliance have Aaron, Commander John, and a handful of units left. Commander John sees the enemy commander and charges in.

Commander John: For freedom and the alliance!

He manages to slice and destroy 20 enemies on the way but the OWN forces sees his plan and fires. Commander Johns MASS explodes and as the smoke of his units clears Aaron charges through.

Aaron: Ahhhhhh
OWN Commander: Shoot him, shoot him shooooot him!!

Aaron dodges the shouts and does a clean vertical slash of the OWN Commanders unit. The OWN force of now about 48 units retreat as a cavalry of Alliance MASS units and ships approach. In Aaron’s cockpit a screen pops up and it is the President.

President Rayland: Great job unit 0071 return to base.

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"I am the way the truth and the life, no man comes to the Father but by me"-Jesus Christ

PSN, Xbox Live, Twitter: Nates4Christ


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 Post subject: Re: E Nalem
 Post Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 1:08 pm 
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As promised in PM, here are my thoughts, in no particular order.

-You really need to ditch the script format. It makes reading this story a chore. You have so much narration packed in here that you might as well use the usual narrative format anyway, and it's not as limiting as script format.

-Once you've ditched the script format, though, you seriously need to work on your description. You need to paint your reader a vivid picture of what's going on and draw us into the story--which is doubly difficult for a giant battle like this because there are so far no characters for us to get attached to. But there is none of that here. No description of the characters involved, no description of the Alliance commander's emotions as his force gets chewed up, no description of the OWN commander's surprise at seeing the Alliance's new technology, no description of anything, really. It's hard to get into this story when not even the characters seem really into it. I can tell that the feeling you were going for in this battle was one of desperation on the Alliance's side to hold back overwhelming enemy numbers, and only the arrival of this blue MASS unit turned the tide. But this battle felt a lot more like a game of Space Invaders than a desperate struggle. I had no mental picture of what was going on--who looked like what, what the MASSes looked like, anything.

-Speaking of that, I think the scale for this battle was way too lopsided. A whole crapton of OWN units get slaughtered by a handful of Alliance units, including this uberpowerful blue MASS. I know mecha anime is no stranger to lopsided combat, but again, it feels like I'm reading a Space Invaders game. Even things out a bit here.

-Your punctuation and spelling are negatively affecting the story. You need a good spellchecker and a good beta reader. I don't really have the time or energy to go through here and point out all the mistakes individually, but I can tell you that Fanfiction.net has a beta reader program. I don't know how well it works, but it's worth a shot. Lines that should have some energy and emotion in them are devoid of both, and proper use of punctuation and spelling will go a long way towards that.

-There's a lot of things here that just don't make sense. Why is the Alliance President personally overseeing a military experiment? OWN conquered the Earth and threw the Alliance into space in a year? The Alliance built all those space colonies that quickly? OWN built a fortress on the moon that quickly? Given that apparently China rules the world now, shouldn't OWN have a lot of Chinese among their ranks, especially among their commanders? All of this--with space colonies and giant robots--is taking place less eight years in the future?

There might be more, but I'm tired and sick and I think this will suffice anyway.


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 Post subject: Re: E Nalem
 Post Posted: Wed Apr 08, 2009 9:50 pm 
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Ah, so China rules the world so to speak? Tell me, Nate, how much do you know about Kung Fu?? =3 I'm not trying to be stereotypical, but I'm always looking for excuses to mix martial arts into everything else. Admit it, it'd be awesome. =p

I guess I got through reading this one because it was pretty short. I've been REALLY behind on doing reviews on the original fics here, and even further behind in my own writing. To start off, let me say that everything ShadowCell has told you is very good advice and I might even want to re-emphasize all of it to you.

The acronyms OWN and MASS get a bit annoying to read over and over. If given the chance, I would just write out at least "World Nation" as an adjective instead of OWN. Use other synonyms to refer to MASSes. Talk about them in groups. Try words like: unit/s, pairs, teams, squads, battalions, fleets, and so forth.

I don't think that there was any mention that the Blue MASS was any different from the others. Just that you decided to give it a custom color and the pilot has a name like no one else on the entire battle field. So they ALL had swords too? Why not just start off with that, since they seemed to have a better advantage fighting in that range? =/ What are they all equipped with, anyway?

Tech/physics advice: nothing can be "made of energy". Energy is not a substance, and it's only something you can "possess". That weapon can't shoot/be made of pure heat energy. It can have a beam possessing/emitting heat energy. It can fire rounds with heat energy. I hope you get the drift.

What does the title stand for? I personally think religion can be the most fascinating subject a person can study, so I was a little disappointed to find that your first entry was pretty much absent of it. Or maybe I just missed it because I've only studied Eastern stuff to a reasonable degree.... In what way were you hoping to approach religion in your story?

I suggest you get a lot of practice with making vivid descriptions! I notice that your language tends to be extremely general and pretty non-specific. Kinda like the Bible, or like the parts that I've heard at least. To grip your audience, you need to make it so the narrative relates to whoever is reading it. It's hard to relate to the number of MASS units being destroyed. You need to establish character to your story. I think you were far too hasty to jump into the action. You should spend some time developing a solid base and some solid characters to write about and start in that direction.

A good way to be vivid and specific in your battle descriptions is to put yourself through the same battles. Your people were outnumbered 10 to 1. Do you even know how freaking difficult it is to dodge attacks from 10 different directions at once? Do you know how much it takes to aim, dodge, fire, and attack and all of those things all at once in only fractions of a second? Can you imagine how hard it is to use a sword? It'll take a lot of mental power, but these kinds of excercises can be good for you and your writing.

I guess we have a bunch of people around for general advice, Nate. You just need to know how to ask for it. Just try not to specifically bug me too much because the last thing I need is another distraction from my own projects and school work. =p I personally think this story idea has potential, so I want to see it fleshed out. I call it a good start, because it at least showed you how you can improve. Progress!

*gasp* And why didn't you do a GW fic?? We need more supporters! :lol:

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"Red particles are bad, they mutate you into... dead? But green/blue particles are good, apparently, for reasons and for purposes yet to be determined. Isn't science sometimes nicely color-coded?"
-Antares

GW: The Sword . Sera's Art . Gameplay . The Lost Citadel


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 Post subject: Re: E Nalem
 Post Posted: Thu Apr 09, 2009 12:05 am 
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Wow thank you guys for the great advice. I guess I have to take my writing more quit a bit more seriously. I hope to rewrite this first episode soon I was just so excitted to finally have something down I had to post it. In case anyone was wondering what the Daniel verse is to reffering to: it means towards the last days technology will increase at a really fast rate. I have so many thoughts and it is funny how when you actually get to a computer your mind just goes blank. Anyways...I am taking all the advice to heart and please keep it coming. I know you guys are pros at this. I should get back to rewriting this first section soon. I have a few new angles to go at it with.

Thanks everyone

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