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 Post Posted: Mon Feb 23, 2009 3:25 pm 
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Mecha Flunky

Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 3:30 am
Posts: 2
Location: Hartford, CT
Vancouver, British Colombia, Canada
February 14th, A.C. 352
0300 Hours
UEN Military Base

A pair of UEN Cobras stood over the shipyard in the cold night air beam rifles slanted towards the ground. The pilots inside were groggy, it was almost the time to turn over shifts and they were imagining their cots. The sky lit up for a moment and both of their eyes shifted up to the rocket propelling at them. Anti-Missile lasers shot bright into the sky but the missile had some kind of field around it that prevented the lasers from penetrating. The warnings blared in the Cobras and their guns rose to shoot at the missile but both shots missed. At twenty feet above the ground the missile exploded and the screens in the suits burned bright with light blinding the pilots who howled in pain for the second it took the blast to tear their suits to smoldering hunks of metal. The nuclear blast radiated out for two miles in each direction killing a hundred thousand sleeping civilians instantly. The rest would greet the rising sun with radiated skin and dying bodies. Flowers waiting to be delivered died and their petals wilted in the screaming heat.

Miles above the service a grey mobile suit hovered using its verniers to maintain thrust. A giant launcher rested over its right shoulder a missile being reloaded from the back. The cockpit inside glowed with the dull blue of monitors and a targeting screen showing the arc of the missile it had just fired. The petite woman inside showed no emotion she just flicked a switch and the second missile fired on a slightly prolonged trajectory.

“Yuri you were only supposed to fire one missile.” Ghost’s voice whispered across the com, the second mobile suit floating through the night clouds like a phantom, in fact that was the Gundams name. It’s entirely black exterior had a no shine finish and even the eyes which normally glowed were dull and dark.

Yuri’s mouth twitched, “But two is such a more even number.” She grinned as the second missile struck downtown ripping another orange mushroom cloud into the sky three miles from the first. Those who were supposed to greet the sun were burnt away with screams.

“Lets return to the fleet Yuri.” Ghost whispered across the com and the two suits lifted simultaneously into the sky disappearing into the night.


Colony Cluster L1
February 14th, A.C. 352
0900 Hours
L1-X34V2
OCRA Military Base

Craig Nielsen sipped his coffee watching the news. A pretty redhead reporter was talking frantically as the red of flames in the background made the sky dark with ash bright with orange.

“UEN Officials have no idea where this attack came from but there are estimated loss of ten thousand military personnel and close to ten million civilians. There are so far no witnesses and no survivors. This is a tragedy that shall always be remembered as the Valentines Day Vancouver Massacre.” She said frantically as Cobra mobile suits refitted with giant fire extinguishers and search equipment moved in the background. “Now for the neighbors of Vancouver, outside of a five mile radius you are perfectly fine. This was a tactical nuclear device designed only to destroy and kill everything within a certain distance. Fallout is unlikely but please see your UEN AID Station if you experience any complications.”

“Earthlings are so fun to watch.” Jason Nielsen said taking a bite of a protein bar and Craig nodded slowly. He was still recovering from the M.A.C.E. training they experienced last night.

M.A.C.E. was an experimental system developed by their father. It stood for Mind Altering Combat Enhancement System. Over the past two years the three brothers had gone through the rigorous physical and mental training to under go the system. Craig had surpassed his two older brothers as the training advanced and seemed to be the perfect candidate for the system. He was picking up the brainwaves of everyone around him and even catching signals of machines. The A.I. in Renegade was communicating much more quickly with him now and the bond was formed.

“Is Ben awake yet?” Craig tilted his head to look at Jason and ask.

“No I think last nights session has him feeling it.” Jason sat down to stare at the television which was now showing a commercial for cheap flights to the moon.

“I noticed he has been a little off since we began working with the M.A.C.E. system. His brain isn’t responding well to the stimulus and he is lacking control over his thoughts and reading others.” Craig pointed out as the news came back on.

“In other news the UCA today announced trade embargos on the AAN due to recent shipments of harmful chemicals under the guise of food supplies. The reported biological attack has killed an estimated three hundred innocent people and seventy-five soldiers employed by the UCA. The chemical is unknown and the AAN denies any involvement in the shipment of these chemicals. This comes after a recent attack by OCRA forces on the UCA battleship With a Bang. The OCRA say that the battleship was within their territory and failed to yield to advances, later on the ship was found to have an attack force of twenty mobile suits. UCA denies harboring any ill-advances towards the OCRA.”

“Dangerous times these days..” Jason muttered and shook his head before he grinned, “So many sides against each other. OCRA will rise above though, after all we have us.”

“Yeah, and the world isn’t ready for us.” Craig said with a grin and stood heading towards the hangar.


Colony Cluster L3
February 14th, A.C. 352
1000 Hours
L3-X34YN
UCA Special Operations Base

Reanna Li watched the lift raise twenty feet and the vulcan ammunition was slid into the open slot on Lansca’s head. A robotic arm loaded the first round of the belt into the gun and locked the bolt in place before retracting. The slot slid shut air hissing out as it pressurized and locked. The lift dropped to ground level next to the empty cartridge. A strand of blonde hair was brushed out of blue eyes and a yellow hoodie was pulled over her white tank top.

“Rea-Rea!” Ensurea, her brother, a long blonde braid swinging as he walked over. “I need two e-cap refills for my beam swords.

“Alright, I’ll contact HQ. I used the last e-caps on Duo’s Shield Reaper.” She said and moved her short frame to stand next to her much taller brother.

“Duo always gets everything though.” En whined as he gave her a small hug and looked up at Xaoc, the black mobile suit with blue eyes seeming to stare back.
Lansca stood next to it, its white body covered in sporadic spots of gold. Tiger like claws lay over the hands, ready to be used with electricity coursing through them. Right next to it was Deathscythe X, based off the legendary Deathscythe Hell and basically the same design with the shield reaper. The shield reaper had spinning green blades in it and could be flung on a chain at an enemy. Ucmak was the next in line, the only transformable Gundam in existence. It had a design similar to the Gundam Wing except it was mostly green and had a much smaller beam cannon on it. The Speicher was a dark red mobile suit with gatling guns attached to the right and a dual beam cannon on the left with missile pods covering most of its form.

“I’m scared En.. We’ve seen what that trio can do to mobile suits. Especially that blue one. Renegade I think the call it. The pilot is scarily efficient.” Rea said clutching En’s left arm.

“We’ll be fine, we go in destroy the depot and get out.” En smiled at his younger sister, “We’ll be fine okay?”

Reanna nodded and smiled, “Okay.”

Continent Amexianda
February 14th, A.C. 352
1030 Hours
UEN Headquarters

“It was Nu-Oz.” Henry Yuy laid down the papers and spreading them out on the table, they then projected on the walls.

Fredrick Peacecraft, the great grandson of Milliardo Peacecraft sat at the head of the table. The heir to the crown he had led the world back to unity until the AAN had separated from it.

“Gemini and Phantom are the culprits of this devastating attack. We must respond now with an attack of our own.” Henry said as he moved to a map, “The Nu-Oz base is here on the tip of the Yucatan Peninsula.”

“I agree with Henry, they must be stopped now.” Isiah Neely said and the dark skinned man brought up another screen. “We can attack by dawn tomorrow.”

“So be it, lets stop this uprising now.” Fredrick said and stood, “I give the order to attack Nu-Oz at once.”

_________________
Live everyday to the fullest because you never know when you're going to die. Be true to yourself.


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 Post Posted: Mon Feb 23, 2009 4:15 pm 
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OMG Doomsday Laser
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Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2007 1:56 am
Posts: 1427
Location: Inside the barrel of Wing Zero's left Buster Rifle.
Oh, an After Colony story. =) You're lucky I decided to take a break from work today. Otherwise, you might never get a comment. o.o

So, basically 150 years after EW. Let me say that you have a very strong opening paragraph. It lets us know right away what sort of world we're dealing with. It's just unfortunate that it's all as terrible as it really is, because it all means that you've basically kicked Heero Yuy really hard in the balls. And I mean both the pacifist and the soldier. >,<;

I think you can get away with all the issues of radiation from the tactical nukes if you simply have them be neutron bombs instead. Neutron bombs are a form of tactical nuke that basically only have a product of heat. They're designed to destroy people and basically leave everything else like buildings behind. They're like that so you can "nuke" a place and then send your guys marching through right afterwards without worrying about them dying of radiation. If you keep them as just "regular" nukes like you have them currently, that reporter should be nowhere near the scene to do all that reporting.

-You might want to explicitly state that Cobras are MS in the first paragraph.

-What's the point of nuking Vancouver...?

-Your use of imagery is very good!

-I think if you are changing to a different time and location, just list the new hour and place. No need to repeat all the stuff that is the same, such as the year and date. Make sure to explicitly state if a location is on a space colony or in space, because such a drastic change in location is worth noting.

-So many Gundams already! I guess you never liked the Shenlong, since it looks like you replaced the Dragon with a Tiger. I personally really like the dragon MS idea. Have you ever seen my Zulong?:wink:

-HENRY Yuy! FREDRICK Peacecraft! I'm sorry, but I was laughing pretty good. A really hard part of writing GW ficiton with original characters is that it's extremely difficult to make names that sound half as good as the originals!

-OCRA, the vegetable of doom! I'm sorry to be so silly, but I don't think I'll ever be able to take this organization seriously. (*Yes, I know it's okra.) How about ORCA instead? =)

-Nu-OZ? What does OZ have to do with anything 150 years after?? They were completely wiped out during GW.

-On that note, you're throwing a boatload of organizations at us without explaining what those acronyms mean! =/

I think your first chapter and your writing in general is very good! But I do see that you have some trouble with run-on sentences quite often. Try to fix this with more punctuation. It did have a problem of having too much stuff and characters being juggled together all at once. It made the read somewhat frustrating. I'm hoping that future chapters can have better focus. There are some logistical fixes you need, and also some sentences that can flow a lot better, but I'm sure you can catch these with future revisions.

Looking forward to more, sir, so write more soon. Also feel free to read the other stuff here and comment also. I'm sure the community would appreciate it. I'm trying to go through and read all the small stuff since they normally don't get the proper amount of attention. I'll add you into our Library Index soon.

Oh, and welcome to the forums. Enjoy your stay and introduce yourself. =)

_________________
"Red particles are bad, they mutate you into... dead? But green/blue particles are good, apparently, for reasons and for purposes yet to be determined. Isn't science sometimes nicely color-coded?"
-Antares

GW: The Sword . Sera's Art . Gameplay . The Lost Citadel


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 Post Posted: Wed Feb 25, 2009 3:00 pm 
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Mecha Flunky

Joined: Sat Feb 14, 2009 3:30 am
Posts: 2
Location: Hartford, CT
Thanks for the in depth review. You didn't give me time to put a dragon gundam in there, he was alway in the works. I am not making the gundams invincible either as shown partially in this chapter. A lot of mobile suits are going to be newer versions of old models because that would be the easiest for the militaries to do. I am a culinary student so yeah the OCRA thing got me too but I am gonna keep it this way. All of the acronyms are explained in this chapter. As with why Vancouver was attacked. Nu-Oz as well and the names, well I figured some names would last. Duo is Duo because of his great grandfather. More action coming up trying to introduce everyone. Thanks again for the review.
----------------------------------------------

Continent Asia
February 16th, A.C. 352
1545 Hours
AAN Fortress

Emperor Chan sat enjoying his tea, the gardens were quiet this day. His graying beard blew in the soft breeze. The shadow of a large machine falling over his place. Lee Chang’s Nataku Model IV stood above the garden in an every ready state. Especially with the Oz forces around. Two Serpent Mk III’s and four Samurai Mobile Suits stood in place around the garden. The Samurai looked similar to the ancient Samurai warrior though the armor plating was not down in plates it just had the appearance. Each held a 105mm machine gun and sported a dragon fang on each left arm. The Serpents hadn’t changed much during their development and looked very similar to the original. The plans for both the Serpent and the Nataku had been salvaged from forgotten data by the AAN.

“Honorable Emperor Chan, Sarah Giles is here to see you.” A butler to the left said with a bow.
“Let her in.” Emperor Chan waved his hand and looked at the trees and flowers in front of him taking in a deep breath.

The woman strode in from his right her flowing auburn hair bouncing gently and dark green eyes glinting with mischief at the Emperor. She was dressed in a flaunting outfit. It was a too tight red pilots suit with the zipper down and the outfit hugging every curve. But he knew not to underestimate the woman, since she had recreated the lost Organization of the Zodiac.

“Miss Giles, I am pleased to hear of your success against our enemies.” He smiled his chin tilting in appreciation as he smiled. “Please sit.” He motioned to another mat across the table from him and she smiled and sat.

“Yes our Operation was a success, you and your allies do not have to worry about the United Earth Nations taking offense against you from across the Pacific, at least not from Vancouver. We also believe we destroyed the Gundam they were working on there.” Sarah lifted the tea to rose red lips and sipped it.

“Oh that is very good news.” Emperor Chan nodded and looked up at the mobile suits around him then back to her.

“I just hope this does not come back on our heads. With us trying to mount an assault on the United Colony Alliance the Allied Asian Nations will not need any interference with the Earth.”

“Just leave that up to us Emperor, you can your allies may rest easy knowing that we will keep the UEN busy. It will make it that much easier for you with the UCA taking on the Orbital Colony Renegade Alliance.” Sarah smiled showing perfect white teeth.

“Now what of your brother Shinji? We known he is a gundam pilot for the UCA.” Emperor Chan asked tilting his head and rising an eyebrow, “Do you approve of us killing him?”

Sarah clenched her teeth and looked to the left in thought and nodded, “My brother refused to help restart the glorious return of Oz he is a traitor in my eyes so I do not care what you do to him.

Emperor Chan nodded, “It has been a pleasure doing business with you Miss. Giles I hope we may meet again.”

The explosion rattled the table and a piece of shrapnel that size of a car door smashed through the wall next to them. Emperor Chan was instantly on the move towards the palace and the Samurai and Serpents were opening fire on an unseen enemy. The Nataku IV Gundam activated its trident and disappeared from view.

Sarah ran back the way she came following the hallways to the hanger where two mobile suits stood. Gundam Sweet was based off the Tallgeese, similar Roman Legion Warrior look with a cannon held by both hands. It was a slightly pink color with white bits on the shoulders, elbows and knees.

Next to it stood Phantom the black Gundam. Ghost stood nearby smoking a cigarette. His head was clean shaven and his eyes were dark like pools of black. He wore tight black clothing and had a black widow spider tattooed on his left hand. He nodded to her and ran to Phantom taking the lift to the cockpit and she did the same.

Outside the Cobra Mobile Suit attack force was engulfing the Serpents and Samurais with sheer numbers. A spinning whirlwind of green and brown slashed through one the halves falling in opposite directions. Nataku walked through the explosion left arm lifting and a dragon claw launching out the hydraulics propelling the head like a torpedo into a Cobras cockpit area and ripping it open exposing the pilot to a hail of vulcan rounds.

“We are being overwhelmed sir! We need to take out that Gundam!” One of the pilots said as he fired his beam rifle at the gundam. The pilot avoided the blast but another rocked his right shoulder and sparks flew from the area and the right arm went limp. The gundam turned and a dragon rocket launched from his back, when it hit the Cobra that had hit it an acidic based liquid blasted across the surface and the armor of the gundam began to corrode.

“There are two more!” One pilot yelled before a black colored beam saber slashed his Cobra down the center. The radar wasn’t picking up anything and the other pilots experienced fuzzy screens.

“What’s going on!?” One yelled before a round from Sweet’s cannon tore his suit apart in an explosion.

“Pull back to Extraction Point Charlie! I repeat pull back to extr--.” The commanders mobile suit was tore open by a dragon claw and the radio went silent. It took five more minutes for the three gundams to destroy the ten other mobile suits.

Contient Amexianda
1700 Hours
UEN Headquarters

“We tracked Sarah Giles to the AAN Fortress near Hong Kong. We sent in the attack force of thirty mobile suits. None returned. The AAN has now declared war on us for our aggressions and so has Nu-Oz. They have also declared war on the UCA and a fleet of carriers was seen enroute to La Grange Point 3 approximately four hours ago.” Henry Yuy said in report to Fredrick.

“This is terrible news. Have we sent message to the UCA that we wish to be allies?” Fredrick turned his head away from the lowering sun and faced Henry Yuy dead on. Fredrick had aged much since he took command of the UEN. Gray hair trimmed close to the scalp and wrinkled brown eyes looked at his long time friend. Gundam Zero was not lost in the attack on Vancouver correct?”

“Correct, it was moved to Chicago a day prior without anyone’s knowledge. Work still continues on it. We have yet to find a suitable pilot though.” Henry clasped his hands behind his back. He was a soldier at heart and his broad shoulders spoke for themselves. He was not as old as his friend but he was in his mid-forties and showing it.

“Your son is top of his class.” Fredrick pointed out.

“Not with the Zero system, I won’t allow it.” Henry said tensing.

“If it comes to saving the world you must.” Fredrick replied and put his hand on his friends shoulder. “I know this will be hard but I decree that your son be put on the Zero project incase it comes to that.”

“I… As you wish..” Henry said and lowered his eyes.

“Thank you old friend.”

L3 Colony Cluster
February 17th, A,C. 352
0900 Hours

Dozens of mobile suits filled the void of space. Transformable Taurus Mk III’s shot beam cannons at assaulting Serpent III mobile suits. Carriers of the AEN fleet sat in the background firing at the UCA fleet. It reminded Reanna of an ancient sea battle. The claws of Lansca struck a Serpent in the back and the electricity coursing through them fried the computer systems of the mobile suit and it went limp.
Gundam Xaoc spared with a Serpent beam saber clashing with beam saber as both pilots fought for their lives.

Ucmak and Speicher fired their long range weapons at distant targets causing some explosions. Deathscythe X slashed through a Serpent the shield reaper unlocking and swinging through the air with spinning green beam sabers to cut across two more Serpents.

From out of no where three mobile suits emerged from space ‘behind’ the AAN fleet. Beam machine gun rounds tore a bridge to pieces and a Serpent was slashed through by a beam sword, its brother taken down by beam shots.

Fury, Blade and Renegade went to work on the fleet. Renegades compact form moved swiftly between ships, its rounded shoulders firing off small rockets into each possible target. The blue Gundam lifted its beam machine gun and drilled a Serpent in the chest with three rounds before using the beam blades on each elbow to slash through the head. Craig sat eerily still inside the cockpit mind working faster than any other mans as he predicted the moves of three Serpents, dodging their attacks and opening up on them.

Fury and Blade worked in unison, Blade slashing through close mobile suits as Fury shot rounds down range and missiles into ships. Fury was a dark grey color and covered in missile pods and beam cannons. Blade was a slender white mobile suit with a beam sword held in each hand.

The three brothers worked, killing as many mobile suits as the UCA did and losing none not realizing they were helping their enemy. After the battle ended the three disappeared back into space. AAN declared war on the OCRA and the UCA allied itself with the UEN leaving OCRA to stand alone against its enemies. But everyone knew they had the three brothers of death, men that seemed to predict their opponents every move. The Pentagon War has begun.

_________________
Live everyday to the fullest because you never know when you're going to die. Be true to yourself.


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 Post Posted: Thu Feb 26, 2009 10:07 pm 
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Pilot's Doomed Girlfriend

Joined: Mon Apr 09, 2007 5:08 pm
Posts: 434
Location: Ontario
Very, very good so far. Can't wait for more!


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