Hmm... The backstory does need some work... First, why would they want to replace Newtypes with Coordinator-esque tech? One idea I'd give is that for some reason, maybe within the Royal lineage, their strong Newtype capabilities are fading with each successive generation, and by the time of the creation of the daughter, they were desperate/greedy (for the power) enough to experiment with their own child in the hopes that it would once again restore the ailing Newtype powers by augmenting the body. The unintended side effect though, due to the highly experimental nature of the project, was that the child was born female instead (like in SEED, when it exlained the beginnings of Coordinators, the project didn't always give the intended traits/appearance the parents wanted for their child).Akisa wrote:The way I originally had it was that the government was looking for ways to replace newtypes by creating artificial humans with excellent skills. [...] During delivery an unknown and unexplained complication occurred that caused the death of queen soon afterwords.
Well, that does add some sort of situational fault, the rest would be execution of how much it would affect your princess without straying into Mary Sue territory. And idea here could be something akin to Lelouch's and Nunnally's situation from Code Geass; father is really self-serving, child ends up deciding how to take matters into their own hands. But instead of revenge, your princess makes some decision to forge her own path.Akisa wrote:As result the king is has shun his daughter and treated her like red headed step child and pretended to be loving for the cameras. The king has since remarried and the son who was this born a natural is attempting to replace the protagonist for next in line.
...What happens to your princess' 'children'? Do they end up bonding with her in a manner that's between friends and family? Do they end up fighting with her? Or is it they that break away and force her to debate which side to fight on? And you'll also have to give a story-useable reason for the Genome soldiers and apply it in a way that doesn't sound tacked-on.Akisa wrote:Meanwhile the existence of coordinators has remain top secret but... [...] ...created extender program similar to the Genome soldiers of metal gear solid 1.
It could be that other parts of the family who were out of the loop that end up learning about the results, and angered (as they were hoping to eventually take the throne since their Newtype powers are stronger), manipulate the information to seem more negative than intended and as a result, strike more of a fear among the populace under the current rule, which would add further conflict for your protagonist (sending her into partial hiding in the military with an alias).Akisa wrote:When news break out of the coordinator project a similar reaction to what happen in seed happens. The civilians want the coordinators dead while others want coordinator child or turn themselves into coordinators.
...Would the coordinators you're referring here to be the protagonist's 'children'? If so, just how powerful were they and their abilities that allowed such a small group to successfully declare independence and managed to fight? If not, how did they come into being? You'll need a believable background over this in order to make it not sound tacked-on.Akisa wrote:In the midst of the huge war... [...] The protagonist must then choose between remaining with federation or joining this off shoot branch and possibly fight her friends.
Also, are you basically saying that the princess is the only fully successful coordinator that also has an equally strong Newtype ability, and that her 'children', due to continued alteration, have virtually weak to zero Newtype ability, while others with the Newtype ability (maybe opposing royal families) are fully natural and are preaching fire and brimstone?
It's a lot to take in at once; I suggest you make some lists (Storyline and Protagonist), and ask yourself some questions on how each element would fit into the story. If it doesn't, you'll have to either edit it or remove it (unless you really want it; then you'll have to edit other things to make it fit).
And if I misinterpreted what you've written, then please forgive me, and clarify it for me. I just edited quotes to try and shorten this long post, but it's there for reference.